The next couple of weeks took some getting used to. Negan and I were transitioning from being just friends to so much more in such a short period of time. We saw each other much more often than only on Thursday's, and Negan was in the process of moving his things into my house. Not only that, but in our spare time, he had been helping me study for my board exams coming up in just three short months that determined if I would become a resident next year. I was beyond nervous, but as usual, Negan kept me grounded the way he always did.
"You're gonna nail this fucking test," Negan spoke positively.
"Yeah, but what if I forget the -"
"You're not gonna forget. You're a fucking genius, Nat." He grinned.
I rolled my eyes playfully. Negan never let me doubt myself or talk down about my abilities. He had more faith in me than anyone else and I loved having someone in my corner who believed in me without a doubt even when I didn't have much faith in myself.
When I looked up from the notecards, Negan was staring at me like something was on his mind.
"What?" I raised my brow.
"Have you decided if you're going home this weekend?" He asked, setting my notebook and pen aside.
I let out a soft sigh and fidgeted with my fingers. This weekend would mark the year of my mother's death and I had been contemplating back and forth to go home and visit my family or not.
"I.. I don't know, Negan. I haven't talked to my dad since Thanksgiving, he won't want to see me." I shrugged, but I knew that wasn't the truth. I didn't want to see him.
"Well I hate to fucking break it to you, doll, but I already booked you a flight."
"Negan, no.." I huffed, standing up to walk away from the conversation, but Negan was quick to grab my arm.
"Hey." He uttered softly. "I know there's a lot of hard feelings there, but none of them are with your mom. If you don't want to let your family know you're in town, that's your decision, but you need to visit your mom. I think it'll do you some fucking good."
I knew he was right. He was always right, but I was stubborn and he knew it. Without saying anything else, I offered him a soft smile and nodded my head in agreement.
"Good. Your flight leaves first thing tomorrow morning."
—
Atlanta during the summer was a feeling I would never forget. It was hot and muggy for the most part, but today it was overcast and looking like it was considering raining or not.
I took Negan's advice and ditched out on going home, not because of my dad, but because I really just needed my mom. Even though she wasn't physically here, she always helped me with my problems.
"Hi, mom." I smiled, running my fingers over the grass in front of her headstone.
The cemetery was quiet and thankfully nobody heard me giggle as I read the writing on the stone in front of me.
Loving wife and mother.
She was so much more than that. So much more deserving than just a few measly words.
"I wish you were here. I can't believe it's only been a year without you. It... it feels like so much longer. So much has changed since you left." I scoffed sadly, running my fingers over the headstone in front of me as I sat in the grass.
"I'm taking my boards next month." I informed. "Negan's been helping me a lot."
And then it dawned on me that she never got to meet Negan.
"You would've loved him, mom. He's really supportive of my career and he helps me when things get too stressful. Moving to Virginia after you... after you died.. it was probably the best thing for me. Oddly enough, I met him through my first patient. Her name was Lucille."
And so I sat there with my mother for what seemed like ages, telling her all about Lucille and Negan, all about how much they both meant to me. How much I fought for Lucille's life and then everything started to hurt. It all came back to me in a flood of emotions. Lucille was gone, my mother was gone, and Negan and my family were left to pick up the pieces of everything that was broken. I couldn't believe it had only been a year.
"I miss you so much, mom.." My voice cracked.
I couldn't be here. I just couldn't. I should've brought Negan with me, I should've gone home. I shouldn't be here.
After several minutes of crying, I picked myself up and wiped the dirt from my legs, only to turn around and bump right into someone.
"Natalie."
"..Dad."
We stared at each other and stood in awkward silence before he spoke up.
"Finally remembered how to get home?" He scoffed.
My heart was aching. All I wanted to do was pay my respects to my mother, yet here I was, being belittled by my father once again.
"You know I've been busy." I stated dryly.
"Busy." He chuckled. "Is that what you're calling shaking up with a widower?"
My blood boiled.
"Stop!" I shouted, the surprise on his face was prominent. "I'm tired of you doing this to me! Negan is sweet, he's supportive, he cares about me and above all else, he lost his wife too but instead of taking it out on everyone around him, he let me help him! Me, dad. All on my own!"
"Now you listen to me N-"
"No! I'm tired of listening to you!" I shouted, my body trembling with rage. "You think losing mom was easy for me? She was my mother! Everything I've ever learned in life was because of her! Not a day goes by where I don't miss the hell out of her. I think about her every second of every day. Every patient I have? I fight for them because of her. I don't want anyone to ever go through the pain that I have because losing your mother? It's the greatest pain in the world. I was lost, dad. I had to get away because this town was eating me alive. You were eating me alive. Your negativity, the way you belittled everything important in my life... I was lost and Negan found me. He thought I was helping him mourn the loss of his wife, but really he was helping me mourn mom just as much without realizing that he was saving me too. I loved her more than I'll ever love anyone else and the fact that you're still so blind.. even after a year has gone by.. I can't be your punching bag, dad. I just can't anymore."
When I looked up into his eyes, there was an empty expression in them. It was as if in that moment, my dad finally saw just how much my mother's death hurt me, how much he was hurting me. How much it destroyed me just as much as it did him. I didn't want her to die, I wasn't helping her die by granting her wishes. Yes, I'm a surgeon, but I'm a daughter first, and that will never change.
As I turned to walk away, my father spoke up.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, causing me to stop in my tracks and turn back to face him.
"You've always been different, Natalie. You've always handled things differently than everyone else. Maggie? She wanted to stay here and help with the farm, she cried for weeks when your mother died. But you? You wanted to be a surgeon, you went to the best school, you left when your mother died. I never saw just how badly it hurt you, and when we came up for Thanksgiving, I thought we'd be able to talk about it then, but instead you brought this guy -"
"Negan." I corrected him.
"You brought Negan and it just blindsided me. I hadn't seen my daughter in almost half a year. I wanted to talk, I wanted to.. I wanted to finally understand things about you the way your mother used to. I know you were closer to her than me, Natalie. And I know I'm to blame for that, and I truly am sorry. Everything I've said about you becoming a surgeon, everything I've blamed on you that wasn't in your control, I'm so sorry." He stood silent for a moment before continuing.
"You're my first born, you have a life of your own now, you have a career and a home, but you're still my little girl. And when you told me that his wife died, I... I just saw you as a rebound until he felt better about his life and you'd be left picking up the pieces like you always are, sweetheart. Nothing against this Negan fellow, but I just can't wrap my head around a widower healing so quickly after losing his wife, but then he stood up to me. He put me in my place for belittling you, for scolding you like a child. As much as I hate to admit it, that man earned my respect, darlin'. No man that you've ever brought around had the guts to speak to me the way he did and it was for a good reason. He didn't care that I'm your father, all he saw was the woman he loves in pain and that was enough to make him see red. He's good for you, Natalie. You say you're just friends, but he looks at you the way I used to look at your mother. Like you put the stars in the sky and make the sun come up every morning."
The woman he loves.
"A few weeks ago Negan and I started dating." I laughed, shaking my head. "I know you're going to say you told me so, especially after everything you just said, and don't go getting a big head or anything, but you were right. He's good for me, dad. After everything, he's still here. He's up late at night to help me study, he replaces the light bulbs that I can't reach, he even cooked Thanksgiving dinner."
"I knew it was too good." He grinned. "You might be a brilliant woman, but you sure didn't learn your cooking skills from your mother. The one thing you picked up from me, it had to be burning food."
The mood between my father and I had been lifted and we walked together towards the gates of the cemetery just reminiscing about memories of my mother and in that moment I was happy that I wasn't alone. For the first time in a long time, having my father around actually made things better.
"So you guys pretty serious then?" He asked as we reached his car.
"I don't know, maybe. I don't want to rush him into anything." I shrugged, earning a nod from him.
"Dad?" I spoke up again.
"Hm?"
"You really think he loves me?" I asked.
He smiled at my question and once again nodded his head. "Yes, sweetheart, I really do."
I bit my lip and felt my cheeks heating up. Never did I think I would ever feel this way about my best friend.
"I think I love him too."
