Chapter Eleven:
The four of them sat silently on the lounge and single-seaters in the living room at three o'clock in the morning. The heater was blasting out warmth into the freezing apartment and the quiet allowed for the distant sound of passer-by cars. Jane had just re-entered the room after fetching drinks for everybody except herself―a hot chocolate for Loki, a whiskey for Odin and a steaming hot coffee for Thor―and she'd re-seated herself back into the green chair in the corner of the room. Odin occupied the other single chair and Thor sat beside Loki on the sofa, adjusting the blanket around his younger brother's shoulders every now and again almost obessively. Jane observed that her fiancé had looked both stressed and relieved all evening and she found herself wondering how he managed such a paradoxical expression. Odin adjusted his position and cleared his throat, everybody knowing that the conversation was about to change.
Loki stiffened, inhaling a sharp breath of air through his nostrils as he noticed Odin moving into a better position. The knowledge that his entire family had stayed up this late with him made Loki's head spin and the young man found he was quite bewildered by it. He was sure they all would have gone to bed by now and the conversation he was dreading would be put off until the morning. Yet somehow, three o'clock had rolled around and none of them showed any signs of going anywhere. It appeared that none of them wanted to leave him alone―not even for a second. He couldn't blame them, not after what he'd unknowingly put them through. It was only now beginning to dawn on him how much suffering he'd put the other three through, though he hadn't intended it. His death was supposed to relieve his family of such burdens, but his well-intentioned plans failed. Just like they always did.
"How's the hot chocolate, Loki?" Thor interjected with idle chatter, again wrapping the power-blue rug on Loki's shoulders around him more securely. The freezing of Loki's entire frame when their father had cleared his throat hadn't gone unmissed by Thor and he knew he wouldn't be able to watch or stand it if Odin's words hurt Loki again―intentional or not. As a big brother, it was his duty to protect his younger sibling but he'd already failed more than once in that regard; there was no way he would make such a humongous slip-up again. In some ways Thor wondered if their co-dependency was a healthy thing, but honestly, he didn't care. If Loki needed him, he'd be there. And Loki did need him.
Loki looked down at the hot, dark liquid and blew on it a little before taking a tiny sip and smiling softly at his older brother. Thor looked absolutely horrible and Loki knew it was all his fault. Again. Thor looked nothing like Loki had ever seen him before. His face was pale and it seemed like he'd lost some weight from stress over the past few days, just enough that it made his face look shallower and his worry lines more prominent.
"Don't do that Loki," His father suddenly ordered out of nowhere as Loki looked back down to his mug. "Please don't pull that face."
Loki cringed guiltily and flinched at his father's words. He'd been caught out again. "Sorry…" he mumbled, ducking his head and missing the angry glare that Thor shot at Odin. "I'm just…" but he couldn't find the right words. Who was he kidding, what words could he possibly use to fix this? Any of this. "…sorry."
"Loki, you don't have to apologise," Thor dispelled gently, shuffling even closer to his younger sibling on the couch and furiously directing another lambasting gaze to his father in the process. Hell, some people claimed that he was tactless and blunt but at least he knew where he got it from! Odin possibly took the cake when it came to an inability to read sensitivity. Now was not the time for Odin to be as brash and orderly as he ordinarily was. The old man needed to realise that, but Thor wondered if an old dog could really learn new tricks. "You don't have to apologise for anything, Loki."
"But I do Thor, don't you see? I've made everyone miserable yet again―all I ever seem to do is hurt you… and I don't want to do that." Loki countered, continuing to avoid eye-contact with everyone in the room by staring into the murky depths of his hot chocolate.
Odin stared at his youngest son, suddenly feeling completely helpless. He was completely powerless and at a loss for what to do in this precarious situation. He could tell from Thor's occasional seething glances that he was obviously handling the whole thing wrong, but how could he communicate with his youngest when he'd not spent time with him in so many years? Nothing he'd ever done in his entire life had been as hard as this and he couldn't help but despair at his own short-comings. How could he stand in front of crowds of thousands of reporters and members of the press without feeling even the slightest amount of nervous adrenaline, but not simply talk with his son without his hands shaking? What words did one choose in this situation? What words could he even say? The old man felt sure that if he said anything at all he'd just end up hurting his son even more and, just like Loki, he didn't want to hurt anyone in his family either. Yet, the issue still remained and Odin knew it had to be addressed. Now was the time for getting this out into the open. Because if things weren't addressed now, who knew what would happen in the future. Odin suddenly felt a horrible shudder run down his spine as he recalled seeing Loki's figure standing on the railing of the bridge and how his heart had practically stopped. He'd driven Loki to that. He was the reason that his son had become who he was and Odin couldn't continue to shake that responsibility forever. He needed to shoulder it and hold himself accountable for once. It was both his duty and burden as a father. He had to put things right, at any cost. For Loki's sake and sanity. If Frigga were looking down on him at this moment, he knew she would finally be smiling. Not only had he done the wrong thing by Loki and Thor, he'd failed his late wife too. Frigga had always loved her boys to the point that she'd put herself in harms way to protect them, but Odin had failed her! He'd not honoured her memory by respecting what he knew her wishes to be. Consumed by his grief he'd turned his back and he knew Frigga would have turned away from him then. Only monsters blamed their children for deeds done by another.
"Son," he started softly, folding his hands neatly in his lap to hide the tremors as he carefully thought on each word that came from his mouth. "Thor is right. You don't have to apologise to me. I've always known it wasn't your fault. I always knew it was accident, a simple mistake. I was just too angry and I needed someone to blame. I kept telling myself that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't the one to blame. I told myself this so often, yet I still couldn't whole-heartedly believe my own lies! I got angry with myself then. Why couldn't I believe the web of lies I had created for myself? So, with the irrational amount of rage I felt, I directed it all onto you. It was wrong, I was wrong. I forced you to not only deal with your own pain, guilt and suffering, but mine as well. Eventually, I returned to France, but I never took my pain with me, I simply left it all with you and I let you suffer through more than anyone ever should. Even while in France I knew you were suffering through depression and you were suicidal, but at the time, because I couldn't see what you were going through, I merely brushed it off as you confessing to your guilt. Coming back here and saying those things… what I did was wrong, Loki. All of it. Ever since Frigga departed from us I knew what I was doing was wrong. I'm so sorry, Loki. You made one mistake, but I have made so many more."
"… but my mistake got my mother killed." Loki whispered, silent tears forming in his eyes. He couldn't help but reject Odin's acceptance of his culpability, he'd simply lived with the blame too long. "My mistake ended her life!"
They were all wrong! They kept trying to tell him that it wasn't his fault, but Loki knew it was! He'd been the one to hire the burglar that had killed his mother during the robbery. Odin claimed that he'd pushed his anger and guilt onto him, but while Loki knew that those words true, it didn't mean he could accept them. The anger Odin had directed at him had been warranted and Loki had not even attempted to shove some of that guilt back onto Odin because Loki knew, deep down, that he deserved it. He'd deserved the endless suffering and trauma that his mother's death had caused. He still did deserve it, he should live with it his entire life because if he let go of his guilt, suffering and self-hatred, what would be left of him? If he wasn't constantly reminded of the way his mother had died, would her memory start to fade? Would Frigga start to disappear forever from his life?
Odin stared at his beloved son and tried to suppress the tears that wanted to prick at the backs of his eyes. The horrible, torturous emotions that passed over Loki's face made him want to bury his face in his hands and weep. Odin silently cursed his ineptitude as he brushed a single tear that had slipped from his eye with the pad of his thumb. Why had he done this to his son!? Loki didn't deserve this. Odin could see that the young man truly believed he did deserve all the blame and the guilt, but he didn't.
"Loki," Thor suddenly interrupted, grabbing his brother by the shoulders and forcing him to turn around. "I know you don't believe father, I know you still think this is your fault, but listen to me: it's not. It isn't your fault, and were mother here with us now, I know she would say the same."
"How can you say that, Thor!" Loki directed a shove at his older sibling but Thor remained unmoved as Loki started to sob and wail, declaring Thor's words to be lies. Loki lost it. He started swearing and throwing his fists at Thor as he was consumed by his grief.
Afraid Loki would hurt himself, Thor clamped his brother's wrists into one of his own and, unable to stand the raw pain spreading across Loki's face, Thor pulled the younger into a tight embrace and pushed Loki's face into his shoulder. As soon as Loki found himself unable to struggle in his older brother's hug, he ceased fighting and throwing angry punches, instead gripping the back of Thor's shirt, mourning his mistakes for the first time in forever. Thor didn't seem to care that his shirt was being covered with snot and salty tears, he never pushed Loki away or relinquished his embrace before Loki finally felt like something other than rehearsed emotion coursing through his system. The younger man hadn't realised how previously numb he'd felt inside, but as the horrible cascades of fear and sorrow left his eyes, he started to remember what life had been like before he started hating himself.
"Why don't you hate me?" Loki whispered, turning his internal question onto Thor, his voice so soft that the older Odinson momentarily wondered if he'd spoken at all.
"Because you're my brother…" Thor uttered in reply as he stroked Loki's hair and placed a soft, familial peck atop the younger's temple. "And I could never hate you, no matter what you've done. You are loved Loki. Please, if you can believe nothing else, believe these words."
For the first time in ages, Loki did find himself believing in Thor's soft words. He started to consider what that could mean, what it would be like to finally shed the cocoon of personal loathing, shame and self-condemnation which he'd wrapped himself in tightly for so long, as though he'd been trying to strangle himself with it like a noose around his neck. Maybe he was loved. Maybe he was more than the savage villain his father had made him feel he was. Perhaps Odin truly did want forgiveness and Loki knew he'd do almost anything to receive the same in kind from his father. This could be a new start, a fresh start for him―for them both, maybe. Perhaps he might finally forgive himself for the mistakes he'd made.
Loki retracted himself from Thor's shirt and wheeled around, facing his father even though the unending cascade of sorrow had not yet abated in the slightest.
"Can you…" Loki bit out, stammering as he lifted his watery eyes to meet his father's. "Can you really forgive me?"
Odin's brain momentarily stopped as he looked back at his broken, suicidal son. Of course he could forgive him. He could say that there was nothing to forgive but Loki wouldn't accept that at all. Perhaps the guilt Loki shouldered wasn't meant to be taken away from him, perhaps it was meant to slowly dissipate but could only do so with help and support. Odin swallowed, silently vowing to be one of the stitches that would sow his son's soul back together.
"Unconditionally Loki, unconditionally." Odin managed the smallest and weakest of smiles which he was surprised to find Loki return. "Can you forgive me and the things I have done and allowed you to feel?" Odin continued, unable to hide the hesitancy in his voice.
"Yeah," he whispered, brushing away a tear that was about to fall from his chin. "I forgive you, father."
Four Months Later…
Loki bolted exuberantly through the entrance way and accidentally slammed the door behind him in his eager haste to get inside. Shaking his hair and stamping his black boots on the mat furiously, Loki tried to rid himself of the cold snow that had clung from outside and was melting on his head and stuck in his shoes. The house was marvelously warm, quickly providing relief for his frozen fingers and toes, and his olfactory senses were instantly hit with the deliciously delightful scent of cinnamon and pie.
"So, how'd it go?" Jane asked after spying the him in the doorway and approaching him as she wiped her hands on her floured apron, a tentative smile on her face.
Thor also occupied the room and at his new wife's words, he looked up from the article on his phone and stared at Loki with excitement and a twinge of anxiety. Loki broke out into a full-fledged smile and stuck both thumbs up, causing Thor's smile to widen with hope.
"I got the job!" He declared, beaming broadly.
Thor and Jane instantly starting clapping and Thor got up from his place at the table so he could pull his younger brother into a rib-cracking, bone-breaking hug.
"HAHA! Loki, that's wonderful!" The muscular blonde hollered with a toothy grin. "I'm so proud of you!'
"Yeah," Loki huffed, the smile never wavering as Thor set him back on his feet. "I'm so excited―Mr. Stark said I could even start next week!"
As the three of them sat down, Loki merrily rambling about his job interview and how well it had gone, Thor listened to his brother chatter away jubilantly, unable to help but see how changed Loki was. It had only been four months since Loki had tried to end his life by jumping from a bridge onto a busy highway and Thor hadn't been deluded back then, he knew the road to recovery for was going to be a long and rocky one. Yet, looking at Loki now made his heart shiver with delight. This was an exponential win for him and Thor firmly believed that Loki was on the right path for the first time in many, many months. He was more positive and he'd made at least two friends all by himself since returning to his university campus, not to mention he was relying less and less on Thor. The blonde didn't feel like his brother's keeper anymore. Granted, he still felt like support and Thor knew he'd get worried if Loki decided that he didn't need Thor in his life, but he didn't feel like scaffolding anymore, more like an occasional walking stick that Loki sometimes leaned on to steady himself. Odin visited regularly, at least once every month, and the old man started setting up a home office in the apartment so he could stay for longer visits. Thor's consistent persistence of harassing his father to spend time with Loki every time he came home was doing wonders for the pair's relationship and over the last four months he'd started to truly see some progress being made. The gaping holes of miscommunication were slowly being patched up and repaired and while things could still be occasionally awkward, it didn't even remotely compare to how it had once been. Loki visited the psychologist frequently and the severe depression he'd suffered from had eased away as he also started talking with Thor at home. The blonde had learned so much about his little brother in the past few months, including a substance abuse problem that had gone entirely unnoticed by both he and Jane and the fact that Loki had been arrested and owed five-hundred dollars for trespassing. Thor had thought nothing of it when he paid Loki's fine, waving off both his protests and promises to pay him back, and he was also now committed to accompanying his sibling to rehabilitation sessions in order to wean Loki off the illegal drugs he'd been abusing. Things were finally starting to level out and look up for his entire family and Thor couldn't have wished for more. Watching his little brother now Thor smiled, knowing this wasn't the end of Loki's chapters in life. No, this was something else entirely. Something better and worth living for:
It was a new beginning.
A/N:
Well Ladies and Gentleman, I hope you enjoyed it and a huge thank you for staying with me until the end. A warm, snugly hug to those who reviewed any of the chapters I previously published and a sincere thank you to those who review this chapter- I wouldn't have published this on Fanfiction without your constant, kind words of support and interest. Until we meet again!
Much Love,
Soulhearts
