Chapter 10: What Could Have Been
A/N: Hey guys! I know it's been forever and I'm very sorry. I was suffering from a rather difficult bout of writer's block after last chapter. But, I'm back with Chapter 10! Now, I have one of two ways this story may be going. Depending on which I pick, the next chapter may be the last or there might be two more, but don't fret! There will be a sequel that will resolve whatever happens here, and that will be regardless of which ending I pick. Let me know: do you want a lime/lemon next chapter or more angst? You guys may just be able to sway which one I pick, so comment once you're done!
Another thing I want to address is the fact that a lot of people have been commenting saying that Izaya is younger than Shizuo, and not the other way around. Either way, I'm not going back to change this. Honestly, I think it makes a little more tragic for Izaya to be the elder one who has horrid things done to him while his younger rival-turn-love-interest takes care of him. So, please stop telling me that. Otherwise, thank you guys for all the support! Onto Chapter 10!
Three weeks had passed and Izaya was beside himself. He had no idea what to do about Shizuo. Ever since he had woken up after his re-encounter with Shinra and Celty, the blond had been very careful around him. He treated him like he was made of glass, carrying him places, feeding him, and attending to his every whim. As much as the Orihara enjoyed receiving attention from the man, he wasn't as enthusiastic about the constant babying. It made him feel like a child, which infuriated him. A part of him wanted to call his caretaker on his actions.
Yet, every time he planned to, the younger man, almost as if he sensed what was going through the brunet's mind, would apologize. He would give Izaya a look so full of regret and torment that the man found himself at a loss for words, mind blanking on everything except for how to make his friend smile again. It was a difficult task, not only because it was uncommon for the brown-eyed male, but also because a thick shroud of sorrow and pain had surrounded the male since that fateful night. Still, Izaya would manage. It would be small, but he'd coax a genuine smile out of blond.
With these thoughts running through his head for the upteenth time over the last few weeks, Izaya sighed. Alongside the intense depression and guilt that seemed to plague his roommate for some reason, the red-eyed man had picked up on something else. The first time that Shizuo had given him that soul-crushing expression, the brunet had moved in to do what the two usually did when the other was upset. However, this time, the gesture had been denied.
Flashback- 3 Weeks Ago
"Shizu-chan...what's wrong with you? All day you've been giving me all these sad, regretful looks. You even apologized to me as soon as I had woken up. Why did you apologize? What's bothering you? Please tell me." Izaya asked, his worry for the blond man before him pouring forth all at once.
For several moments, he received no answer. Shizuo kneeled before him, head lowered as his bangs shadowed his face. Just as Izaya was about to voice his concern again, the younger man looked up at him with an expression that made his heart practically break in two. The normally passionate browns were totally dulled, their shine almost non-existent. They appeared haunted, as if they had borne witness to a crushing tragedy. The sight had the amnesiac scrambling to think of something, ANYTHING, that would wipe it away.
Going on instinct, he moved forward to placate the blond with a kiss. Yet, instead of coming in contact with a pair of lips, the former informant instead kissed the man's cheek. Staring at the other male in slight shock, he moved to try to reach his desired destination. He was surprisingly pushed away, falling back against the couch. Wide red eyes met regretful chocolate.
"I'm sorry Izaya. I need to go get dinner ready." the Heiwajima quickly answered, straightening up and walking to the kitchen, leaving a stunned Orihara sitting on the couch. The man couldn't bring himself to move. He was in pain. It wasn't physical, he knew. It was emotional pain manifesting that way. Yet, nonetheless, he gripped at the evanescent agony that radiated from his heart as tears slowly burned streaks down his face.
"Sh-Shizu-chan...why did you reject me?" he whispered aloud as more scalding drops slid down his cheeks.
End Flashback
The memory made Izaya tear up once more, the phantom pain from earlier echoing through his body. He grit his teeth, trying to stop the salty drops from falling. 'I'm not crying this time. I care a lot about Shizu-chan and I know he cares about me too. I'm going to find out why he's been acting like this.' the man thought with determination. With that mindset, he briskly scrubbed away any remnants of his crying and stood up, clenching his newly uncasted hand to mark his resolve.
He then strode into the living room, walking in front of the t.v. his caretaker was watching. Shizuo, not expecting to see the man who he had thought was sleeping, stared at him in dumbfounded silence.
"I-Izaya...I thought you were, uh, sleeping." he finally said after a few moments. Said male shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest with a defiant glint in his crimson eyes.
"I couldn't. I've been too damn worried about you, Shizu-chan!" he snarled, glaring at the enforcer. Surprised by the former informant's hostile demeanor, the Heiwajima's thin brows furrowed before he sighed.
"There's nothing to worry about. You should go back to bed, try to get some sleep." he replied, retreating into himself once more. Not wanting to let the blond get away with brushing him off, Izaya stormed over to Shizuo, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and yanking him up roughly until they were face to face.
Once again taken off guard, the younger male looked up at his charge. The scarlet orbs were alight with fury and concern, merging into an intense look that speared him to his core. The normally smiling lips were carved into an unamused grimace. For a brief moment, Shizuo felt as if he was being confronted by the old Izaya, though that version wouldn't have been so concerned about him.
The vacant look that the brown-eyed man had only served to anger his partner more, leading him to release a threatening growl. "Don't try and feed me that crap Shizu-chan! You've been acting strange for weeks now and I'm sick and tired of it. You're depressed, but you treat me like some fragile doll who's going to break. Then you reject me, even though we both want to be more than just friends. How the hell am I not supposed to worry about you?" he snapped, the light in his eyes growing more fiery as he spoke.
"After all the things you've done for me, you expect me to brush it off when you're suffering? I can't do that...I can't...I can't stand to see you like this, not you Shizu-chan." he continued, voice growing quieter as he talked, bangs falling over to shadow his eyes. The hand that was holding onto Shizuo was shaking as the man was slowly consumed by his emotions.
The other man was blown away by the man's sudden outburst. 'That's how he's been feeling all this time? He noticed that much about me, huh? Damn.' the smoker thought to himself as he moved a hand up, wrapping it around the one the held his shirt. "Izaya…" he said, calling the brunet's attention.
Glazed over garnet met chocolate. "Shizu-chan please. Please, tell me what's bothering you." he pleaded. The blond sighed, those foreign emotions swirling in his eyes again, then nodded. He gently removed Izaya's fingers from his collar, pulling the man to sit down beside him. He turned to him before letting out a rather shaky breath. His former rival stared tersely at him. "What happened, Shizu-chan?" he softly inquired as he placed a hand over the other's.
Shizuo swallowed thickly. "Sh-Shinra…" He coughed in an attempt to clear his throat, which felt as if it had abruptly closed up. Izaya tilted his head to the side curiously, fighting back a shiver at the man's name.
"What about Shinra? Did...Did something happen to him?" he asked quietly, squeezing his roommate's hand comfortingly. The blond neglected to answer for a minute, then nodded.
"Y-Yeah. I...I almost killed him." he admitted. Wide crimson stared at him in surprise.
"Wh-What? I thought you and Sh-Shinra were friends. Why would you try to kill him, Shizu-chan?" the amnesiac questioned. Shizuo gritted his teeth, rage exploding in his eyes. His hand clenched into a fist beneath Izaya's as he felt the fury from almost a month ago filling him once again.
"Because...that son of a bitch told me what he did to you!" he ground out. "He told me what the fuck those sick assholes had him do to you. Every. Single. Fucking. Detail. I've never been more pissed in my life. It was DISGUSTING!" he yelled, having stood up by this point and pacing back and forth angrily in front of the couch.
Izaya said nothing, frozen on the couch by the other's words. '...told me what he did to you! Every. Single. Fucking. Detail...It was DISGUSTING!...YOU'RE disgusting!' The imagined line ran through his head over and over again. He started to shake, vision clouding over with unbidden tears.
"...Is that why you won't kiss me anymore?" The question slipped quietly from his lips, but despite the volume, Shizuo managed to hear it and froze. He stared at the male with round eyes.
"Wh-What?" he asked, a tad stupefied. Pale hands curled into pained balls as the man stood. He glowered at the man even as he continued to shed tears.
"I asked if that's why you've stopped kissing me Shizu-chan. You think I'm disgusting, don't you?!" he screamed. The Heiwajima was unable to say anything, not sure on how to react.
The brunet took his silence as his answer. A bitter laugh, not unlike his previous self would have given, escaped him. "Of course you do. After all, who'd would want to be with a guy who doesn't remember anything except being a sex toy?" he scoffed. He sniffled before murmuring, "I really thought we could...that we could…" He was cut off by a loud sob.
Overwhelmed, he ran to the door, struggling to undo the lock with the tears obscuring his sight. After a few tries, he finally managed it, slamming it open and taking off. Shizuo just stood there, still pinned there by the words the man had be unable to finish. His knees gave out on him, leaving him collapsed on the ground, head falling against the couch.
"Izaya...I thought we could have too…"
