Surviving Malfoy _ Part I : Shock and Denial

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Chapter 11:

That's what you get.

I could've avoided this so easily. I had a million reasons not to trust Malfoy and was stupid enough to ignore them all. He was set out to kill someone for Tituba's sake, I'd heard him admit to it myself. And yet I'd let him enter my mind week after week. He manipulated me into trusting him, letting him do this without protest until he could just-

Just dig through you like his own personal little memory box.

I felt disgusting, dirty and in pain. Not aided by the fact that Malfoy was still crying into my neck, his tears slowly soaking through the back of my shirt. It wasn't his turn to cry. He wasn't the hurt one, not the ashamed one and not the violated one. He'd even robbed me of my ability to cry. He didn't even leave me that.

I felt like I was going to throw up. I peeled Malfoy's hand off of me and he let go, propping both of his knees up instead and burying his face in his hands. His draught had calmed my nerves but had left me with a serene, rational sort of anger. I grabbed my robes and bag off the floor and dug through them for my wand.

The things I could do to him, sitting innocently on the floor, crying into his hands like he didn't just penetrate my mind and look at my most intimate thoughts. But I wouldn't stoop down to his level, I wouldn't curse him with his back turned to me.

"Go to hell." I hissed at him, marching out of the room with confident steps.

I was aware of the way my face probably looked; puffy and red, tear-streaked with swollen eyes. It was late enough though, students were in bed, it was way past curfew and the way to Gryffindor Tower was thankfully short.

The last people I'd hoped to still see awake at this time of day were Hermione and Harry however. They were sitting by the fire, playing wizards chess, struggling to keep Hermione's cat Crookshanks from swatting the pieces off the table. Hermione's face fell when she saw mine, her hand holding her Queen stopping in mid-air. I must have looked like hell. I made it half-way to the the stairs before Harry turned around too, calling after me.

I made a run for my dormitory and locked myself in the bathroom. I dropped my robes and bag on the floor and finally felt the sweet relief of emptying my stomach into the toilet. I still tasted the mint and with it came a lump that lodged itself firmly in my throat. I groaned. I wanted to feel it, I wanted to be able to cry, but Malfoy's calming draught was still too strong.

I set the shower as hot as I possibly could, standing under it until my skin turned crab red and yet I still didn't feel clean. This felt like a repeat of Christmas. There was no way I was going to sleep tonight, or any night in the near future. I might as well drown myself.

"Jay?" Hermione knocked on the door hesitantly.

I doubled-up the locking charm, but didn't respond. She could go to hell with Malfoy for all I cared. Granted, she hadn't gone quite as far as using Occlumency to look at what happened to me, but she'd been going in that same direction.

As far as I knew, I no longer had any friends in this castle. I could always leave. I was old enough to drop out, but I couldn't go back home. I was no longer a Witch of Salem, I could plead with them all I wanted. Maybe the Cajun wizards would take me in. Cassius Warbeck was always quite fond of me, but I wasn't quite sure how I felt about a life in the swamps.

I only got out of the shower once the bathroom had steamed up so badly, it became hard to breathe, even with the window wide open. I turned the lights off, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. My skin felt hot, but not hot enough. I could've done with several more hours under the water.

Hermione knocked again, but I still refused to respond, taking my time to dry myself off and change into my pyjamas. The next day being Saturday, Hermione could very well have decided to spend the night sitting on the other side of that door. My suspicions were proven right when I opened the door.

"Can I please talk to you?" She didn't wait for me to leave the room, but rather took me by the shoulders and gently walked me back inside, closing the door behind us.

"Don't touch me." I said harshly, flinching away from her. "I have nothing to say to you." I tried pushing myself past her, but she blocked the door. "Hermione move."

"I'm sorry." She said holding her hands up defensively. "I just-" She hesitated for a moment. "I'm sorry, Jay. I really am. I didn't mean to probe. Gosh, I didn't even mean to find out, Blaise just told me! I promise you I didn't ask him."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I don't care." I made a step towards the door again.

"Jay, don't go." She pleaded. "I just want to make sure that you're okay. I'm your friend, I wouldn't-"

"You aren't a friend if you have to continuously repeat to me that you are."

I finally pushed past her, leaving her standing, dumbfounded. I spent the next day in bed, not leaving once, not even at the news that Harry had gotten his skull cracked open during the latest Quidditch game. I couldn't handle faking an appetite, or a will to live let-alone an interest in a brother I barely knew. Hermione brought me a few sandwiches the following day, of which I ate one without acknowledging her and still refused to leave the dormitory.

My nightmares had picked back up immediately. They were frighteningly similar to the first ones I'd had, with just one terrifying detail added - I now had something to be running away from. The minty odour was always the first indicator that I had an alligator chasing me. An alligator with the most sombre, troubled grey eyes I'd ever seen.

Classes became unbearable that week. The professors and the material weren't the problem, at least not as they had been before. I'd had plenty of time to do the work, even though I hadn't been able to fully concentrate on it. No, the problem was being in one room with Hermione, Blaise and Malfoy.

The latter ignored me entirely, much to Parkinson's enjoyment. But I now couldn't think of anything else but frantically squeezing his hand whenever I saw him. The other two were his polar opposite however. Blaise would try to sit next to me every chance he got, trying to get my attention or slip me notes. Hermione was more passive, but her looks alone made me want to scream. They were acting so obnoxiously desperate even Harry and Ron had picked up on the fact that something was wrong.

The both of them had been released from the Hospital Wing that Monday and I'd managed to avoid speaking to either of them until Wednesday, despite Harry's waves to come sit with him and Hermione during meals.

"Everything okay?"

I was growing tired of that question, although I did realise it had so far never been Harry who asked it. He sat down opposite me at breakfast, leaving Ron with Lavender and waving at Hermione to go sit with Blaise at the Slytherin table. I only gave him a frown in response.

"Things seem a bit… Tense." He said.

"What's it to you?" I asked, pulling my slice of toast appart without taking a bite.

"Hermione's pretty-"

"Upset?" I asked. "And what if she wasn't, would you still be sitting here?"

Harry looked at me incredulously and I swung my bag over my shoulder, ready to leave.

"Yes." He said, matter-of-factly. "Because I need your help."

I frowned at him again, ushering him to carry on.

"Do you remember that memory from Slughorn, I told you about?" He asked.

"That was months ago." I said curtly.

"Yeah, well I still don't have it." Harry said. "I could really do with your help. Dumbledore told me off about the fact that I didn't have it yet yesterday and he wouldn't have asked if it wasn't urgent."

"Harry, I told you I'm not telling him who I am." I said quietly, trying to avoid eavesdroppers.

"You might not have to." He said. "I've been trying to talk to Slughorn but he's completely ignoring me. He hasn't even invited me to a single one of his dinner parties since Christmas. He likes you, can you please give it a try?"

"You're his golden boy, his little potions prodigy. If he's refusing to talk to you, he'll definitely refuse giving me the memory." I said. "For all he knows I'm just some random student!"

Harry looked at me for a second. "You might not need to ask him for the memory. In the memory Dumbledore is looking for, Voldemort asked him what a Horcrux is. Dumbledore has one version of the memory right now, in which Slughorn tells Voldemort off for even just asking him about it, but doesn't actually say what they are. If you can coax anything on the subject out of him, you'd already be helping."

"A Horcrux?" I asked slowly.

"Yes. Hermione's tried digging through the library but couldn't find a single mention of it."

I frowned. I'd heard the word before. I knew I'd seen it somewhere, but I couldn't for the life of me remember where.

I nodded. "I've heard that word before."

"You know what they are?" Harry asked, a sudden spark of hope in his eyes.

"No. At least I don't remember." I said. "I'll let you know if I do, but I doubt I can get anything on them out of Slughorn."

"Can you try?"

"Harry, there's not much of a point is there?" I said. "Dumbledore asked you. He knows you're the only one he'll reveal this to."

Harry frowned. "You sound like Hermione."

"And Hermione tends to be right with these things, doesn't she?"

Harry pressed his lips together in a thin line before answering. "She does. So maybe you should go talk to her too."

My face darkened. "I didn't say she's always right. Either way, you shouldn't get involved in things you don't know anything about." I adjusted the strap of my bag on my shoulder and got up, not waiting for Harry's response.

I didn't bother asking Slughorn for his memory. I knew full well he would never reveal it to me, at least not without knowing who my parents really were. And even then, if he hadn't yet given it to Harry, there was little chance he would give it to me first. I did however, try racking my brains about the definition of a Horcrux. I knew I'd heard or read the word before, but couldn't remember where. I couldn't even remember if I'd heard about them at Salem or at Hogwarts.

Needless to say, I did not go to meet Malfoy that Friday, even though the idea of fully mastering the art of Occlumency had become all the more appealing since the week before. Instead, I spent the evening in a niche, hidden away in the corner of the Gryffindor common room, brooding over an essay on dementors Snape had demanded for the following week. By midnight, the room was almost entirely deserted, except for Harry, Hermione and Ron still sitting by the fire, probably writing the exact same essay.

I had tuned out their conversation for the most part, even though my brain insisted on picking up on every one of Harry's mentions of Malfoy. I spilled ink all over my essay when a house-elf suddenly appeared with a loud Crack. Neither one of the other three seemed to have expected this either, considering Hermione's yelp of surprise.

"Master said he wanted regular reports on what the Malfoy boy is doing, so Kreacher has come to give-"

There was another loud Crack when a second house-elf appeared, but I barely noticed as my brain was busy processing what the first elf had just said. I knew Harry had been keeping an eye on Malfoy via his map, but how long exactly had he been following him?

"Master Malfoy moves with nobility that befits his pure blood."

I perked my ears at the elf, trying to make out what he was saying. Jut hoping he wouldn't say he'd seen Malfoy sneak off with me, or after me, or have anything to do with me whatsoever.

"His features recall the fine bones of my mistress and his manners are those of-"

"Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!" The other elf interrupted him. "A bad boy, who - who -"

The room grew silent, I peeked around the corner of my niche to see the little elf attempting to throw himself into the fire. Harry caught him around the waist and held him safely until he stopped struggling. The elf apologised, saying he wasn't used to speaking ill of his old master?

The first elf started recounting Malfoy's daily activities until Harry interrupted him, asking the suicidal one to do so instead.

"Harry Potter, sir, the Malfoy boy is breaking no rules that Dobby can discover, but he is still keen to avoid detection. He's been making regular visits to the sixth floor with a variety of students who keep watch for him while he enters-"

"The Room of Requirements" Harry yelled in triumph. "That's where he's been sneaking off to! That's where he's been doing… whatever he's doing! And I bet that's why he's been disappearing off the map - come to think of it, I've never seen the Room of Requirements on there!"

But with a variety of students? I'd never seen anybody else outside the Room of Hidden Things whenever I was to meet him there. Thankfully, the elf said he had not been able to enter the Room of Hidden Things, giving him little chance of having seen me inside of it. Harry started plotting how to enter the room, which Hermione pointed out would be impossible to do without knowing exactly what Malfoy was doing inside of it.

So the room would manifest as whatever you needed it to be, as long as you had a clear image of it in mind. What exactly Malfoy needed a Room full of Hidden Things for, was another mystery. But was it worth letting Harry know that's what he needed to lask for? I listened on as Harry dismissed the elves.

"How good's this?" Harry said. "We know where Malfoy's going. We've got him cornered now!"

"Yeah it's great." Ron said glumly.

"But what's all this about him going up there with a 'variety of students?" Hermione asked. How many people are in on it? You wouldn't think he'd trust lots of them to know what he's doing…"

The polyjuice potion.

"Polyjuice potion." I'd said it out loud before I'd even fully realised what I was doing. The other three grew silent and I got up, out of my hiding place and walked over to them. "Not a variety of people, one person. Maybe two, but he's using polyjuice potion, making them look like different people."

"How do you know that?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"I've seen it."

"Him giving it to people?"

"No, I've seen him brewing it." I said. "Well no, I've seen it brewing in the Room of Hidden Things."

"The Room of Hidden Things?" Ron repeated incredulously.

"That's what he called it." I sat down crossed legged between Harry and Ron, the three of them looking at me like I was the reincarnation of Tituba herself. "Malfoy." I clarified.

"Hold on." Harry said. "Start from the beginning. How do you know the 'Room of Hidden Things' and how do you know Malfoy is brewing polyjuice potion in there?"

It was worth coming clean. Of course it was. Malfoy was on the way to murdering someone, endangering the entire castles population in the process and I owed him nothing. So long as Harry kept a low profile and Malfoy didn't grow suspicious of him, I might be able to keep the risks at a minimum.

I took a deep breath. "Malfoy's been going into the Room of Hidden Things. That's the room on the sixth floor, the room you said you couldn't see on your map-"

"The room of requirements." Hermione said.

I shot her a look. "That." I acknowledged. "I don't know exactly what he's up to in there, but I've seen polyjuice potion brewing. I wouldn't be surprised if the variety of people that elf was talking about is actually just-"

"Crabbe and Goyle." Harry finished my sentence.

I nodded. "Maybe. He trusts them and they worship him enough not to ask what he's doing and just follow what he says."

"So those little girls with the scales and the toadstool…" Ron said.

"Crabbe and Goyle." Hermione continued. "They let the scales fall to warn Malfoy not to come out." She shook her head. "I repaired Goyle's scales for him?!"

"No wonder they're miffed." Ron said. "He's making them turn into little girls."

"But how do you know he's turning the Room of Requirements into the Room of Hidden Things?" Harry asked.

I gulped and tired to compose myself before answering. "I've been meeting with Malfoy."

Harry's eyebrow shot up.

"Not in that way." I was quick to clarify. "He's just… Insistent. I think he's lonely, he would always say he just wanted a distraction."

"That sounds very much like that to me." Ron said, huffing.

Harry ignored him. "Do you know what he's doing in there?" He asked.

I shook my head. "We would always jus talk." I said, deciding to omit the mention of Occlumency lessons for now.

"Well, did you seeanything suspicious in there?"

"Nothing except for the polyjuice potion." I said and waited a moment before continuing. "But I know I can get in without him."

"I'll come with you." Harry said immediately but I shook my head again.

"Too risky. If there's any chance he'll see you, he'll know right away that I told you and thats-" I broke off.

Hermione's eyes narrowed.

"What does it matter?" Harry asked.

"He knows things." I said quietly.

"You told him?" Ron asked a bit louder than I would have liked.

"No." I said, looking at Harry. "He has a way of finding things out Harry, just please don't go near that room."

"What did he do to you?" Harry asked, anger spreading across his face.

I rubbed my forehead before answering. "He's a legilimens and he has no scruples using that." I said matter-of-factly.

Hermione's frown slowly turned into a look of concern, but she kept quiet.

Harry clenched his fist. "Are you sure you want to go in there by yourself?"

"It's better than you going in." I said. "I just need to make sure Malfoy's not going to barge in on me."

"There's extra apparition lessons happening in Hogsmeade tomorrow afternoon." Ron said. "All the sixth years are going, you should be safe."

I nodded. "I'll go then." I continued when I saw the concern on Harry's face. "I'll be fine."

Harry thanked me quietly, the worry still edged on his face and Ron nodded along. Hermione wouldn't look at me, she'd started biting on the nail of her left thumb, lost in thought. I got up and went back to the little niche I'd been sitting in, intending to gather my things and almost spilled more ink on my already ruined essay when someone placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Can I please talk to you for a second?" Hermione's voice was quiet and controlled, her face on the other hand seemed full of anguish.

I sighed, sitting down on my chair, hidden from view from Harry and Ron. Hermione sat down next to me, leaning in close.

"Jay, did-" She whispered. "Please don't get mad at me."

Her face was pleading. I knew what she was going to ask. It was Hermione after all and the question was obvious enough.

I nodded. "Yeah." It was barely more than a breath but Hermione had heard.

Her face fell and she made to take my hands in hers. "I don't know what to say."

"Don't tell Blaise." I said pointedly.

"I wouldn't." Hermione emphasised by shaking her head. "I can't believe Blaise is friends with him."

"I don't think Blaise knows, to be fair."

"Jay, I'm so sorry." Her voice was quiet, still whispering. "I'm so, so sorry. For everything. I shouldn't have preyed, Blaise shouldn't have told me. I should've told him it's none of our business until you decide it is."

My heart ached. I knew she meant it, but I couldn't quite shake the sense of betrayal yet.

"Hermione-" I whispered back.

She shook her head rapidly and looked at me. "I'm so sorry this happened to you. And I'm sorry we made it our business when we really shouldn't have. And Malfoy - Malfoy is such an -"

"Malfoy's not your fault." I assured her.

"Well, he's an arse. More than an arse." I didn't respond and she carried on after a few moments. "Will you at least let me help you now?"

My stomach clenched. "There's nothing more to do, Hermione." I said seriously.

"Then at least let me be there for you. Eat with me, sit with me in class, but please don't alienate herself."

I bit my lip and looked away from her. I had tears welling up in my eyes and did not need Hermione to see them. Before I could swallow them away however, Hermione had engulfed me in a tight hug.

"I really am your friend." She said. "And I'll repeat it until you believe it."

I snorted a laugh into her shoulder and tentatively put my arms around her.

ooOoo

I went to breakfast with Hermione the next morning, where she took particular care to make sure I ate both my slices of toast and finished my cup of tea before she allowed me to get back up. I was well aware Blaise shot her a quizzical look the second we entered the Great Hall, but she answered with a warning head shake and made him stay in his spot next to Malfoy. She seemed a little less inclined to speak to Blaise after finding out about Malfoy, completely ignoring his wave to her on our way out to the library.

After lunch, Harry stayed with me waving off Hermione and Ron to their special apparition class in Hogsmeade. As he wasn't due to turn 17 until after the official apparition test, there was no point in him taking part in the extra class either. We waited around in the Gryffindor Common Room for the next half hour, just to be sure the coast was clear before I made my way down to Barnabas' Tapestry.

I tried acting inconspicuous, on the off-chance I would run into Crabbe or Goyle in the form of a little girl but just as expected, the corridor was deserted. I still entered the Room of Hidden Things as quietly as I could, listening out for any noises, but the room seemed perfectly quiet.

The mountains of discarded belongings looked the same as they always had, towering over me by several feet and giving me an endless labyrinth of things to sort through. I did not even know what I could possibly be looking for.

Wand tightly in hand, I decided to first make my way to the cauldrons. They weren't far from the wooden stove, maybe two rows down. There was no polyjuice brewing, but the ingredients were still laying around. Unmistakably polyjuice potion ingredients, boiled lacewing flies and fresh fluxweed - the last full-moon had only been a few days ago. If I didn't get anything else out of this, at least that was confirmed.

I continued on through the rows, past the old cabinet from which I'd freed the bird a month prior, past the books - I stopped dead in my tracks. Horcrux. Of course. A book so horrible it wasn't worth being picked up again - and it mentioned Horcrux. I stroked the backs of the books with my finger until I finally found the one I'd been looking for, Secrets of the Darkest Arts.

I flicked it open, looking through the index until I found the word I was looking for.

A Horcrux can be any mundane object in which a wizard has concealed part of his sole. To split ones sole, one must-

"What are you doing here?"

I slammed the book shut turning towards the voice, startled. My stomach immediately knotted itself up and sank into my knee caps as I grabbed my wand tighter, pointing it at Malfoy.

"I was looking for something." I said carefully, taking a step back.

Malfoy tilted his head to the side, slowly following me. "And what is it you could be looking for, Potter?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business." I raised my wand a little higher, pointing it directly at his face.

"Trying to spy on me, are you?" He smiled as if to appease me, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I was looking for a book, Malfoy." I raised the book in my hand, still taking slow steps backwards, out of the alleyway of clutter.

"I have trouble believing that." He said, his smile vanished and he let his wand slide out of his sleeve. "Stupefy!"

I had been expecting it. I dodged his spell, throwing myself around the next corner, out of his sight.

"Expulso!"I sent the mountain of school tables and chairs I'd just dodged around hurtling into Malfoy's way, running in the opposite direction where I believed the door to be.

"Potter!" He yelled after me. I heard another explosion as the furniture burst out of his way. "Incarcerous!"

I countered with a shield charm, narrowly avoiding the stunning spell he followed up with.

"Expelliarmus!" I fired at him, blindly over my back still trying to get to the door.

"Potter, come here!" He was still yelling, getting closer.

I tried knocking more furniture in his way, but he would vanish them with a flick of his wand before they could cause him any obstruction.

"Petrificus Totallus!"

I managed to dodge his boby-bind curse, his next disarming charm hit me square in the back however. I turned around, just to see my wand flying directly into Malfoy's outstretched hand. I stopped, rooted to the spot. I couldn't leave him with my wand.

"Stay put." Malfoy said warningly.

His wand pointed at my face, I waited, slightly out of breath and my hands raised, Secrets of the Darkest Arts still held tightly. We stood like this for several moments, unmoving, my heart hammering away in my chest and my stomach slowly sinking lower.

Until Malfoy gave a small, humourless laugh and lowered his wand. He shook his head, twirling my wand in his hand before speaking. "Don't run away from me."

I carefully lowered my hands, discreetly slipping the book into my bag but Malfoy did not seem to care anyway. He was still shaking his head, a pained expression slowly spreading over his face. He gave another humourless laugh before sinking down into a squat, resting his elbows on his knees. Burying his face in his hands, he screamed in what seemed like frustration.

I stayed put, as he'd commanded me to. I was all for leaving him here, raging by himself, but I really couldn't leave him with my wand.

"Malfoy." I started carefully when he was done, but he shook his head violently.

"Don't." He said, looking up. "Don't run away from me." He repeated, but said nothing more.

"What are you going to do now?" I said after a few moments of silence, trying to keep the fear out of my voice.

Malfoy lowered his eyes and slowly got up, taking a few steps towards me. I instinctively took a step back. He stopped when he saw my reaction, gave another humourless laugh and finally lurched the last two steps forward, grabbing my hands. I flinched away, but he held on too strongly for me to pull my hands out of his.

"Please don't run away." He said quietly.

There it was again. The genuine upset at my leaving that had made me trust him once before. I swallowed.

"Malfoy." I said carefully. "Let me go."

He shook his head, letting go of one of my hands to rub the bridge of his nose. He sank to his knees again and instantly started quivering the way he'd done the week before, crying. I squeezed his hand, trying to pull it away.

"Malfoy." I tried again, a bit more forceful.

"Please don't go." He sniffled, dropping both our wands on the floor, and picking my hand back up instead.

"I'm not staying here." I said forcefully. I could just grab my wand, Malfoy wasn't even paying attention anymore. He broke into sobs, pulling me down by my hands. "I'm not staying here with you." I said angrily. "Malfoy, you forced yourself into my mind. What did you expect?" I spat.

"No, please." He begged, refusing to let me get back up. I pulled my hand out of his, intending to grab my wand but he took hold of my wrist instead. "You don't understand."

"There's nothing to understand." I said harshly, pulling my wrist back.

He looked up at me, his face tear-streaked and he tried putting a hand on the side of my face, but I swatted him away.

"Please give me a chance." He begged again and I gave him an angry look, making a move for my wand again.

"You don't deserve one."

Malfoy let go of me, but before I'd made it into a full standing position he'd pulled back the left sleeve of his shirt. At first I couldn't make out anything unusual, only a few faint, lighter spots here and there. Malfoy kept his head down, simply holding his arm outstretched for me to look at. And the more I looked at it, the more my brain could piece the spots together. They made out an elongated, half-moon shape where someone had torn into Malfoy's arm.

It was the distinct scar of a werewolf bite.