Chapter 11
Disclaimer- I own nothing!
Tamaki sat on the bedroom window. He was so bored, being on bed rest sucked. The plus side was that, actually there was no plus side. Sitting all day wasn't him, he hated it before he went to the center everyday and he hated it now. Though he watched about fifty movies on demand each week and learned that he had a growing passion for odd musicals. Some made him really squeamish but he enjoyed them. Since Kyouya wasn't as busy anymore with work they would be together basically as soon as he got home from work which helped a lot.
When Tamaki had gotten home from the hospital he told Kyouya about his fear of their secrets keeping. Both knew they were only doing it to protect each other from worrying too much but it was becoming too much. It seemed that they were hardly ever talking to each other about the things that mattered most. They were causing a lot of separation between them. When they did start talking a lot of their fears and secrets were something they both shared so they promised each other to work on it and they had. At night they would sit and talk just like they used to, even if it wasn't serious and they were joking around with each other half the time they were still talking. Even with all their talking there was still something Kyouya didn't know and was going to start asking about again. It was only a matter of time, and really, he wanted Kyouya to know everything, just like he used to. The longer he waited the greater the chance of a fight starting just like it used to.
"Hey Tamaki, so what did you do today?" Kyouya walked into the room getting home from work. Walking next to him he kissed him hello just like he did every day.
"Nothing much, my mother stopped by for a little while." He watched as Kyouya walked into the closet to find a change of clothes.
"Oh and how is she?"
"She is good, she was going to stay until you got home but she said my father was taking her out tonight once he got back from work. I really am glad that they are together and happy."
"Me too, one, because they deserve to be together and two, because it makes you happy." Kyouya walked back out to lie on the bed, he may have sat all day at work but the bed was softer and it felt great to be home.
"What am I the plaque?" Tamaki tried to sound serious as he threw an accent pillow at him only to end up laughing as he said it.
"What? No of course not, the bed is just better then the window sill."
"Speak for yourself."
Kyouya got up to move next to him when Tamaki stopped him.
"I want to talk to you about something before you bring it up."
"Oh, okay, is everything okay?"
"More or less yes. It's just that; remember when I told you I was trying to protect you?" It had been a few weeks since he mentioned that but it was still on Kyouya's mind.
"I remember." Though he still couldn't figure out what he possibly could be trying to protect him from. Tamaki wasn't reckless, he didn't always do the smartest things but he wasn't reckless.
"Remember how I never wanted to tell you about high school? I asked you to stop bringing it up. How we used to fight about it constantly."
"Yes, because I could never figure out why you never wanted to talk, why you were trying to avoid the subject, I could see the pain it caused you but you still never wanted to bring it up. What are you trying to hide from me?"
"I'm going to explain it all to you but only if you promise me something."
"And what would that be?"
"You have to promise to not blame yourself for what took place then. I know you blame yourself for my attempt on my own life and for not coming sooner. So can you promise me that you won't ever blame yourself?"
"I promise."
Tamaki looked away from him; he knew if he looked into his eyes he wouldn't be able to say it. He wanted to do this, to get this all off his chest. Kyouya wanted to know, they loved each other and to finally know everything that hurt one of them would only make that love stronger.
"You know my leaving Japan was the worst thing I have ever done. Well it was for another reason besides the one you already know of, that I missed you. New York was hell because I hadn't even walked in the front doors of the school and everyone in there already knew everything about me. I mean everything, it was as if someone had passed out my past and let them read it. They knew things about me that I thought my father didn't know about. To me this was worse than the twins telling me they knew of my parents' history. I mean they treated me like shit from day one. Someone was always making fun of me, beating me up. One guy broke my arm; you want to know what that worst part was? I didn't even know anyone. I was completely outcasted from that school. Elizabeth was the only person I knew while I was in New York and she didn't even go to the same school as me, plus I didn't meet her until I started my senior year. No one would talk to me, no one would try to. A few girls tried to at first but they stopped for some reason, as if someone told them something bad would happen if they befriended me. I could tell that they were worried about being outcasted as well and I didn't blame them. After they saw what people were doing to me I wouldn't want that on anyone. The reason I never told you any of this is because I wanted to forget. Forget that people could be this cruel. I don't know what I did but it must have been horrible if they hated me so much. I told you when we saw each other again that I hadn't cut myself since we last saw each other and that was a lie. While at that point it had been months since I had last, it wasn't years. I tried not to, I knew you would be upset with me and I knew about all the stuff that happened when I did last time but I couldn't hold back any longer. I needed something, and that was the only thing I thought could save me, though I know it could kill me. Somehow I made it through the end of my junior year and before I knew it I was a senior. Summer flew by way too fast but I was hoping that this year would be different. Nothing changed, I was still a target but I couldn't leave. I wasn't eighteen yet. I had school on my birthday, my plan was to grab my things from my locker that weren't school books then leave and never come back. That plan only half worked, when I got to my locker I saw something sticking out of it. I wanted to kill myself right then and there, because, it was a picture of myself that had been…altered. They found out my…medical history. They already knew I was gay, they somehow also found out they we had been together. How, I don't know but they did and they loved to start stuff because of it. But this, them knowing personal, personal things, things you didn't know until recently, it was too much for me. These were the things that made me hate myself even more then I did already. They had also learned of my scars that day too, for it was on the picture. I ran out of the building, there were woods just outside of the campus and I ran into them. Once I knew no one would find me my feet gave out under me and I cried. There was so much pain and sorrow in me. I just wanted to go home, back to Japan. But I couldn't I was stuck in that hell hole, in that nightmare and I just wanted to die. That night, that was the night I jumped. I just couldn't take my life anymore; I was tired of being a freak, and knew I would never be normal or accepted."
Kyouya didn't realize he wasn't breathing. To hear this, all of the horror Tamaki went through broke his heart. Why did he have to go through it, how could people be so cruel? He moved to him as he saw him adjust his position to wipe his eyes as tears fell. Pulling Tamaki close to him, and holding him tightly he tried to help ease the pain. He could tell that as Tamaki was telling him about what happened he was reliving it. He started apologizing to him; no one should have to go through that. Especially when Tamaki didn't deserve it, why did life have to be so hard for people?
"Kyouya, why can't the past just die? I just want to forget, I hate looking over my shoulder when I hear voices. I hate thinking that people are whispering about me even when may not be. I hate that I can't be normal, that I can't be like them; that I can't be like you."
Kyouya tightened his arms around Tamaki, "Tamaki do you think that your grandmother could have done all that. Told people everything about you?"
"…I thought about it, but she wouldn't do that would she? I know she hated me but that that is harsh even by her standards. I wanted to ask her about it but I never got the chance and now I'll never know. Could she really be the reason I went through hell; that I was so close to ending my life? Because of what happened that day I started to hate my birthdays, every year I remember what happened when I turned eighteen. I just can't forget it."
"Tamaki, I know I am only one person and can never undo the damage that has been done to you but I think you are perfect. All the things that you hate about yourself are all the things that I love about you. I wish you could see what I see because I see a person that doesn't have to change who they are to please someone else for there is nothing wrong with them. I hope that person sees how much I as well as his friends love him exactly as he has always been. I wish I was able to help you let go because I can tell how much you want to. I bet these last few months have been really hard on you haven't they?"
Tamaki slowly nodded his head; he felt terrible that he hadn't been able to break his past yet, those memories just wouldn't vanish. "Yes, I'm so sorry." He moved closer hoping Kyouya wouldn't push him away.
"Don't apologize for you have done nothing wrong. I'm sorry for not helping you at all, I know I forced you out a lot and I bet that's when your insecurities were at their worst. I should have realized sooner and been more considerate."
"No, don't say that, I only felt safe when I was with you. My fears were never with me when you were by my side." Tamaki wasn't lying even before he left, Kyouya always felt to be a safe haven. He knew he was never being judged or had to act a certain way, though he felt that way with all his friends from high school here, Kyouya was the one that stuck out the most.
"Maybe now that I know everything we can work together to help you move past it."
"Maybe, if that is even possible. I mean it's been years since all of that happened but those insecurities won't go away. Maybe they never will."
"You'll find a way because I know you want them too."
"I guess so…Kyouya?"
"Um?"
"I love you. I know for a fact that it's only knowing that you had my back all this time that I've been able to be this happy with my life, that I have been able to get back the pieces of me that I thought I lost. I love you so much."
"I love you too and I'm happy to know that you are happy with your life. Tamaki I need to ask this though. Why did you never want to tell me that you never graduated from high school and how did you get a degree here?"
"I never wanted you to know because I didn't want you to find out why I left school. I know I only had a few months left but I couldn't handle it anymore. My plan was to drop out and then get a GED over there which is the same as a high school diploma but that plan fell through and then I moved back here and I didn't want to tell you so I just did classes at the university. They allowed me to start the college program and get my high school credits so long as I kept my grades up."
"So that's why you were so overloaded that first semester. You know I would have helped you had you let me. But all of that aside, Tamaki are you okay. Are you truly happy with your life?"
"I am; I am very happy with my life. Having you in it and soon the babies I know life is and will be great."
"That's good to hear." Kyouya kissed Tamaki's neck softly. He was happy to know Tamaki was okay now but he still felt horrible that Tamaki had gone through so much all alone. To have no one to really turn to, it was rough and damaged Tamaki more then he thought. But they were together and he knew everything now so somehow they would get him past his nightmares.
They re-adjusted themselves to sit on the window sill together. Kyouya felt Tamaki relax under his arms, it was easy to tell how safe and protected he felt when they were together like this. Kyouya didn't have to know his past to know that, both loved being close to each other and any space a part felt like too much. He hoped that this feeling would never go away as the years went by. He didn't think it would, their love wasn't some fling, it was real. The kind that was everlasting.
"Tamaki, I know something that will make you smile."
"Oh, and what would that be?"
"Téa."
"Téa? Whose tha…Oh! Is that the name you thought of?"
"It is. Does that suit you?"
"I like it a lot, though I wouldn't have said no to any name you chose, unless it was some horrible name. Téa, where is it from?"
"It's Latin for happiness or joy, depending on how it is spelled and origin it could mean princess as well. And before you ask where I thought of it, a popular clothing designer in America is Téa something and it stuck with me after it I saw it."
Tamaki fixed his position to get comfortable again.
"I really like that, it's so pretty. Can you believe that Thursday is the fourteenth already? Next month is it, why does time seem to be flying by?"
"Are you scared?
"Not really, but ask me then and my answer may be different." He started laughing as he thought about it more. "Are you still worried?"
"I don't see that disappearing between now and then."
"I think you're worrying too much. I'm sure you'll be a great dad."
"Maybe, I guess as long as I'm not any worse than my father I'll be okay."
"Is that you fear? You know your nothing like your father. I've only seen him twice but he always scares me, you don't scare me."
"Well that's good to hear. Have you decided if you're for the traditional name or not?"
"Yes, and I don't want it. It sounds funny to me, though I know technically I should want it."
"Well you know I don't want it, one because it's doesn't seem like it would work with me and two because I hated when you called me that in school. So that means you can't tag it to me or switch."
"Yea, yea I know." He elbowed Kyouya as they started to joke around. This was one discussion that would never really end until something final was given.
"You'll come up with something, your good at that and you always do."
Tamaki was going to say something back but he started laughing as he heard Kyouya's stomach growl. Kyouya started laughing as they both started to move a part from each other.
"I guess my lunch wore off."
Tamaki looked at the clock to see it was close to seven thirty. They had been sitting there a lot longer than they thought.
Both sat across from each other and couldn't wipe the smiles from their faces. Tamaki was relieved that he finally told Kyouya everything, everything that happened before. He knew he wouldn't act differently before but still, all he had ever wanted was to forget. He feared his past would come back one day soon and his family would be hurt by it. He knew he was worrying for nothing, Kyouya would help him and together they would work everything out. Though when they were together like this these fears didn't exist, it was only when he was alone.
"I'll be home starting June seventh in case you were wondering. And I won't have to worry about going back until July something. I've decided to take all my paid time off at once so I can be home with you longer."
"Oh, okay, that's good to know." Tamaki let his fears disappear as they joked around and ate. What happened then was over and done with and would never happen again. He knew that, he always knew that but now it felt real. Now he was certain everything would be okay as he was no longer alone.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
I really feel like this story answers questions and tell of event that happened between FHF and LOL. But I will make sure that the stories never really connect for a few obvious reasons but if you can't figure them out then I will tell you next chapter. Please review.
~Femalefighter~
