I am blown away by the feedback for the last chapter. It means a lot to me that it, in particular, was so well received. Thanks to all who dropped me a message or a review or a tweet. You are the best. Cat, I could not reply to you by PM, so I will just say thank you here for the really lovely review.

I don't own Skins. Shocking, I know.

Chapter 11 – Echoes

I am tired. So bloody tired I can hardly think, let alone move.

We are back at the base now, sitting in my room. I am leaning against my head board, struggling to stay awake despite the tension that I feel. Going back to the ridge, reliving what happened there has completely shattered me. My body aches, and my headache has come back with a vengeance. It hurts to open my eyes even though the room is almost dark, but I have to keep them open. I rub my hands along the scratchy wool blanket to keep myself from drifting off.

Emily is at the other end of the bed. She has made no move to turn on a light even though the sun has almost set. Her face is partly shadowed, so I cannot see it as well as I want. She is sitting cross-legged against the wall, close by but not touching me. She has not said much since the ridge. I was pretty out of it by the time that I was able to stop crying, so she took charge and got us home. It felt way too familiar, too close to when the team had to get me off that ridge six months ago, like an echo, or a bad dream that you cannot quite shake. We spoke and touched only as much as was needed to get us back here in one piece. But she has not left me, even for a moment. I am surprised by that. I thought that she would take the first chance to get away from me, to run as far and fast from me and my past as she could. But she did not. I have been trying to read her expression, but I cannot figure out what she is thinking. It bothers me that I cannot read her. She is usually such an open book.

"You should sleep." God I love her voice. I have never heard another like it. I am really going to miss hearing it when she leaves.

"Naomi, you need to try to sleep. You're exhausted," she says again.

"I can't. I can't close my eyes." My voice is small, spent. I can barely find the strength to answer at all. I feel her move in closer, angling herself against the headboard next to me. She gently wraps her arms around me after brushing my hair out of my eyes. I stiffen at her touch, but she does not let go.

"It's okay. I'll stay with you. I'll take care of you. Just sleep for a while." She lays a trail of tender kisses along my brow, and whispers gently in my ear, "Just sleep, Naoms. Just let go for a while. I'll be here."

I can feel her pull the blankets up to my shoulders before she starts running her fingers through my hair to soothe me, her lips dropping gentle kisses on my forehead. There is nothing sexual about her touch. It is more like she is trying to calm a fussing child. She is just trying to help me sleep. I know this is the beginning of her leaving, of her distancing herself from me, but I decide that I will take every ounce of comfort from her that I can, while I can. I try to memorize each sensation, each sound and touch, for when I am alone again. I know that it is just pity that is driving her now, but I do not care. I need it. I need her. And so I tuck my head into her neck and burrow deeper into her arms. I would have bet my life that I would not sleep, but am so tired, and she is so warm and comforting that I cannot seem to help it.

I slip into a fitful sleep, filled with confused and unsettling dreams, as the room slowly descends into full dark, enveloping us in the night. I am vaguely aware of Emily's voice, of her touch as she tries to quiet my restlessness. I think I hear her humming softly to me now and then, but that could be part of a dream.

I finally wake completely a little while later. Emily is no longer wrapped around me but I know that she is there. I can feel her watching me. I keep thinking that should make me anxious, but it doesn't. It feels good. I am glad she is here. Surprised, but glad.

"You stayed." My voice is still rough, but reasonably solid, as I look over to where she sits. She startles at the sound of my voice. I had not moved yet so she had no warning that I am awake.

"Yes." She had been looking into the darkness through my small, grimy window when I spoke, but now she stands and moves slowly back to sit at the foot of my bed, her hand coming to rest lightly on my shin.

"Why?" I am genuinely in curious. I really do not understand why Emily is still here. She could have left, asked Effy to take her place, and walked away. She has seen me broken, lost, over someone else. She knows what happened on the ridge, and what a disaster I am. She knows it all.

"Where else would I be?"

"Emily…" There is an edge to my voice now. I can hear it but I do not care. I do not want to play games with her. I feel like crap and my heart is in my throat and I really need to know what she is thinking, what she is feeling, so that I will know whether I can keep breathing or not.

"I'm serious, Naoms. There's nowhere else I would be." Her words are simple, but laden with meaning. She punctuates them with a soft squeeze of my calf as she tries to convince me of the truth of what she says.

"I've been sitting here thinking about everything you told me, about everything that I know about you. I've been thinking about how I feel about you, and about us. And what I realized is that nothing's changed. At least not for me. I know we can't ignore your past, Naomi, but it doesn't have to change anything between you and me."

I shake my head at that, dismissing her words. They are not true, they cannot be true. Emily reaches out. She slowly, haltingly takes my hand in hers, as if knowing that I will try to snatch it back from her. I do start to pull away but stop when she holds on a little bit tighter. It is déjà vu from this morning – God, was that just this morning? How is that possible? – and it is more effort than I can muster right now to break free. I see her visibly relax when I leave my hand in hers. She takes a deep breath and blows it out, rubbing her thumb against my palm as she does.

"Naomi, what I heard on that ridge was the story of someone who loved so hard that she almost destroyed herself trying to do the impossible. You wanted to save Jamie. I get that. You loved her so of course you wanted to save her. And you did everything you could. I know it broke you when you couldn't do it. I know you're still broken in a lot of ways. We all are, a bit, I think. But there's no shame in that, Naoms. None at all. It's not something that I would run from. And it's really, truly not something that I'm afraid of."

Emily shifts so that she is closer to me, and so that she can hold my hand in both of hers. "The fact that you were able to love her that much makes me love you more, not less."

I do not respond. I cannot. Her words are so far from what I expected to hear that I have no idea how to react. I can see her struggling to find the right way to continue, to explain how she feels. Eventually, she starts again, speaking so softly that I can barely make out what she says. "I don't want to replace her, Naoms. I don't want you to forget her. I would never want that."

She stops, taking a deep breath before carrying on. "But I do want to have a place in your life. I know you're hurting, and maybe this, you and me, maybe it's all too soon. But I think you could love me, some day. And I'd like to find out. Besides, I know that I love you already. I want you in my life anyway that I can have you. So, I'm not going anywhere. This is where I want to be. With you is where I want to be."

I am blown away by the words that I am hearing. I keep staring at Emily trying to read whether she is telling me the truth. I was so sure that she would run, like I would have done, that it is hard for me to take in what she is saying.

"I wish that I could take the bad memories away for you, Naoms, but I can't. The best that I can do is to maybe be around to help you carry them now and then, if you'll let me. And I really hope that you will." She lifts my chin to make eye contact again, gently stroking my face as she does.

"I know it won't be easy. But nothing really worth it ever is. You're worth it. So, I'll wait for you, Naomi, until you're ready. I promise you that I'll wait as long as it takes."

My mind is in hyper-drive. I do not know what to do with what Emily has just said. I do not know what to feel. I just nod, to let her know that I have heard her. We sit together without speaking, without moving, for a while. It is getting darker, and I can barely see her sitting next to me. I keep trying to think it all through, to understand, but it is all jumbled up inside me. My head is pounding and my mind just keeps spinning.

"I don't know if I can do this," I say eventually.

"Do what?" Emily asks.

"This, us," I say, looking up at her again, just a quick glance before I let my eyes fall back to the tattered blanket. "I don't know how to do this."

"Well, at least you think that there might be an "us". That's a start, Naoms." She smiles a small, shy smile at me, and I can tell that she is not sure that it is okay to tease me quite yet. But she is right. I do think that there might be an "us". I do not know how or when or what it will look like. But I need her. I need Emily and I want to have her near me.

I reach out for her then and pull her to me. I let myself fall into her eyes and wrap their warmth around me. I cannot seem to stop myself from grabbing on to the comfort she is offering. She moves willing, shifting around again until she can hold me close. I feel her put arms around me, and I tuck my face into her neck. I so want to believe that she still wants me. She is the safest place I know.

"You fix me, somehow," I say, quietly. "All I have to do is touch you and I feel better. I mean, I can actually feel my heart rate slowing, my blood pressure dropping when I do it, like right now. It is like fucking magic to me. No one else can do that."

We are quiet again. As my body relaxes, my mind races on. I want to try to explain what I am thinking, what I am feeling, all the conflicts and the fears. But for someone so clever with words, I cannot seem to find the ones I need. I try to focus instead on this moment. I take in the feel of Emily's arms around me, the soft brush of her breath against my forehead. I hear the footsteps going by in the hall, the tick of my alarm clock, even the tapping of a branch against the window. It all seems so vibrant, so immediate. My senses are on overload. I am mesmerized by the warmth of her body against mine. I have touched her before, it is true, but not like this, not for the simple comfort that she brings. I let my words come without censor now, my feelings streaming out unedited for once.

"When I am with you, I can almost start to believe again. I mean… I actually find myself feeling… happy… when you're around. And I start thinking… about tomorrow. Like there could be something to look forward to, something to maybe even dream about. And I love that. But then, you also scare the shit out of me. And you confuse me. I don't know what I should feel around you. But you definitely make me feel again, and it's just… I just… I… God, Ems, you could destroy me. You could ruin my life."

I can feel my tears begin to fall as I listen to the soft beating of her heart. "I am so scared of living through that pain. I swore I would never let myself get close to someone like that again. But then you came, and I couldn't help myself. I mean… Jesus… you are so special. I could not survive losing you, Ems."

And I know it is true. I still love my wife, deeply and truly. Part of me always will. But I have just been fooling myself to think that I do not feel something for Emily, too, something strong. It is different with Emily, yes. But I already know that I will love her completely if I let myself. I am half way in love with her already. There is something about her, something special between us. There has been from the first moment we touched in the briefing room. And it is killing me to think that I might lose her. I wipe my tears with my left hand as I gather my thoughts again.

"When I'm with you, I feel happier, less... alone. But it's not as simple as that is it?"

"Isn't it?" she says, whispering gently in my ear.

"No...I mean, I don't know...I mean, I don't think so." My mind is so jumbled, my emotions so overwhelming, that I don't know what I think other than this, right now, laying in Emily's arms, is the best feeling that I have known in a very long time.

All I know for sure is that I do not want to give her up. I do not want to push her away, not anymore. I cannot promise anything, obviously. I am a complete fucking mess and we are about to go out on a mission that could get us both killed. But, I cannot imagine not having this, not having Emily, in my life for as long as I am able. I have no idea how to make it happen or how to make it work. It is all too much for me to talk about right now. I am too tired and spent. So for once in my life, I just ask for what I need.

"Can we just stay like this, for a bit?"

"Yeah, we can", she tells me, pulling me just that little bit closer, "... for a bit."

I sigh into her neck and burrow in deeper, placing a small kiss just beneath her jaw. Then I close my eyes and let myself fall into sleep again, safe in her arms, at last.

X X X

As the sun rises the next morning, I sit on the edge of my bed watching the pinks and reds dance across my room. I feel better and more rested than I can remember feeling in months. I actually slept right through the night. No bad dreams and no waking up over and over again. And from my first moment of awareness, I knew that something important had changed. I realized that I was not dreading the day. I was not drowning in sadness. Instead, I woke up to sweet memories of my wife. It is amazing to me that this happened while I was wrapped up in the warmth of Emily Fitch. But this gift, this amazing, healing gift has come, I think, because of Emily.

The pain is still with me, no question. I will miss Jamie until the day I die. But the pain is tempered slightly, lessened by the light that Emily has brought into my life. And so, instead of waking surrounded by hurt and sorrow, which has been my lot for so many brutal days, instead of that, I awoke to flashes of our wedding day, of Jamie's beautiful, smiling face, and of countless quiet, loving moments shared between us. It was both a holding onto, and a letting go; a beginning and an end. And it is all because of the woman curled up next to me.

I lie back against the wall, tucking my legs in under the bottom of the blankets to stay warm, and I let the memories drift over me again. There is no rhyme or reason to the sequence, and I do not try to stop or direct them. Unlike so many times before, I want to embrace these thoughts. I want to immerse myself in what Jamie and I had. It seems now that I can do so without seeing only the overwhelming loss or feeling only the gut-wrenching grief. Now, somehow, some of the hurt is gone. Not all, but enough that I can start to remember the good times that Jamie and I had together, and the many ways she made both me, and my life, so much better, without being shattered by each thought.

I know that I probably would have found myself at this place eventually. But I also know that I am here today because of Emily. And because of that, I want to stay here, beside her. I have no urge to run this time. No desire to be anywhere other than by Emily's side. That amazes me, and although it also frightens me, I realize that I am smiling as I look down at her sleeping form. She is peaceful, at ease. She lies there, in my bed, curled up on her side, clutching my pillow to her chest. Her red hair is splayed wildly behind her and her clothes are wrinkled. But the morning light dances across her face, and she is breathtaking to me.

There are so many hurdles that we still need to cross to make this work. The biggest hurdle of all is me, my insecurities and my fears. I know that. I am struggling with how I can feel so much for Emily when I know that I still love Jamie, too. It is hard to accept that I can have these feelings for Emily without it being a betrayal of my wife. Jesus. Just the fact that cannot stop thinking of Jamie as my wife shows how far I have to go. There is so much that I have to work out to be ready for this.

But despite it all, the one thing that I am certain of at this moment is that I want to try. I have to try no matter how complicated this is, because the thought of living any more of my life without Emily near me is untenable. My mother was right. The thought of losing Emily by choosing to be without her is more terrifying, more appalling, than the thought of her being taken from me. I never thought that I would say that, but it is true. And that is something very, very new for me. A lot of what I feel with Emily is new. I cannot explain it, but I am different with her. I feel different with her. And I think I like that.

I watch her sleep for a while longer, just reveling in the fact that I can and that just doing that, just watching her sleep, makes me happy. I will have to wake her soon, though. We need to train today. But for now, all I want to do is steal a few more precious moments, and bask in the contentment, the peace, that having her near me brings. I cannot believe how much has changed in the space of one day. I am still exhausted. Everything that happened on the ridge has taken its toll. But I feel strangely energized, too. I realize that I am excited. I am excited to see what today will bring, what Emily will bring. I heard everything that Emily told me last night, and I think I am starting to believe, truly believe, that she meant it all.

I am scared, though, too. Emily and I definitely need to talk. A lot. Finding time to do that while we train for the rescue is going to be hard. Getting through the rescue knowing that she is at risk will be harder still. If I am honest, I am not sure I trust myself not to screw up. I have already decided that I will talk with Effy, and maybe Cook. I need to explain what is going on and ask for their help to make sure that I do not do anything stupid out of fear for Emily's safety. They will understand the risks. The parallels to Jamie are obvious.

I start to laugh, pulled out of my reflections as I see Emily scrunch up her face. She is starting to wake up and it is the cutest thing to watch. She jolts suddenly, her eyes popping open as she quickly scans the room until she finds me. I see her breathe a sigh of relief when she realizes that I am still here.

"Don't worry," I say quietly. "I am not going to run this time." I send her a soft smile, to try to reassure her. She smiles back and my heart melts all over again.

Emily rubs her tired eyes, and starts to stretch. I have to admit that my eye is drawn to the small strip of skin that is revealed between her pants and top when she does. I remember what that spot feels like under my hands and tongue, and my body reacts immediately to seeing it displayed again. But this is not the time for that, so I move over to the bed and sit beside her, pulling down her shirt as I do and giving her a soft pat once the skin is covered. Emily blushes lightly when she realizes what I am doing. She reaches out for my hand and says, "Are you okay?"

I fix my eyes on hers so that she will be able to see that I am telling her the truth. "Yes. I am. I am more than okay, I think."

"Did you sleep?"

I nod, smiling. "I slept better than I have in months. If I had known that all I needed was to have you as a security blanket then I would have hauled you in here a long time ago!" That gets me another smile in return.

I allow the mood to get a little more serious. "We have a lot to talk about, Ems." She nods, encouraging me to continue. Now that I have started being honest, I cannot seem to stop. I decide to start with my worst fear, because I know that I am going to freak out about it, probably all the time.

"I am scared that you will leave me."

Emily sighs at that, shaking her head in disagreement. She reaches out to cup my cheek and whispers, "I won't, Naomi, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

"We don't always get to choose, Em. That is not something that you can promise." Emily knows that I am talking about Jamie now. Sweet Jamie, who never would have chosen to leave me either. Emily blushes when she realizes. Her answer is quick and sincere.

"You're right. I'm sorry. So let me promise you this. I will never willingly leave you. And if something happens and I have no choice, then you'll have Effy. And Cook and JJ and Kieran and Gina, and even Katie. They will be there for you every minute, just like always. But I'm not going to leave, Naoms. I'm just not."

"Okay." It is not, really, but I know that is the most assurance that she can give me, so I let it go for now. We can talk about it again later. I shift my gaze away from her. I am not sure how she is going to take this next part, and I do not think that I can say it out loud if I am looking at her.

"There is something else, Ems. I am going to be a basket case about this, I know. And I am going to need you to understand, okay? 'Cause I miss her, you know? So much. And I can't control it. And now there is you and I know I shouldn't, but a part of me feels as though I am cheating on Jamie because of how I feel about you. I know in my head that I am not. But it is still hard. I still love her. I always will in some way, I think." Out of the corner of my eye I can see Emily start to tense at my words, so I rush on to reassure her.

"But I do feel something for you Ems, something big. And, if you can deal with my craziness and all my confusion while I try to sort things out, then I would like to see what we can make of it. I think we could have something special together. I am sure I am going to drive you mental, but if you are still willing, I would like to try."

There are tears in Emily's eyes when she answers me. "I'd like that, too."

"It's not going to be easy, you know. You will need to be really patient with me."

Emily laughs then. God I love her laugh. "Yeah, 'cause it's been such an easy ride so far – no patience required at all!"

"Hey! No fair!" I slap her arm, playfully, and she grabs hold of me and drags me down on top of her, wrapping her strong arms around me so that I cannot hit her again. She is still laughing as her lips brush oh-so-briefly past my own, just a hint of the kisses that will come. It is her turn to be serious now, and she shifts me slightly to her side so that she can make better eye contact with me. Her eyes are a deep brown this morning, and she is speaking volumes with them.

"There's no rush, Naomi. We can take all the time you need. We can go as slow or fast as you want. But however we decide to do this, I meant it when I told you that I don't want to take Jamie's place. I'm sure I couldn't even if I did want to. She was a huge part of your life, and of who you are. I would never want to change that. I just want to see how I can fit into your world, too, if I can. If you'll let me. So, let's just take it a step at a time and see what happens. If you want to talk about her with me, that's okay. And if that feels too weird right now that's okay, too. There's no rule book for this, Naomi. There's just you and me trying to find our way through. Okay? Just one step at a time."

Sweet Jesus she really is perfect. I nod my head, too close to tears to speak, and duck my head towards her, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss filled with all the promise and love that I cannot yet say out loud. One step at a time it is. And this feels like a really good first step.

X X X

Happier times at last. Okay. I know this has been almost exclusively Naomi and Emily for a few chapters now. But I will get back to the others, and the rescue mission, I promise. Buckle up. It is going to get a little bumpy. Review button is below if you want to let me know what you think.