Eren deals with bottom dysphoria and boyfriend rin/rei (I call him both) shows up as an extra. Hope you like your one line boyfriend, you will not be showing up again. :D
Eren POV
"Alright, there will be a little prick," Hanje pressed the needle into my skin.
"That's what she said." I whispered, ignoring the pain. Hanje's lips twitched and they drew my blood. They turned to grab a bandage and by the time they had turned back around, I had healed.
"Amazing!" They cooed. They looked all around my arm and poked at the place where I had healed. I started to grow uncomfortable under their intense gaze and I shifted nervously.
"So… how does this work from here?" I asked them. They let me go and sat back in their seat.
"I'll examine your blood and run a few tests. I may have to examine you, though." They pushed their glasses up and looked hard at me. "If I need to do that, could I?"
"What do you mean?" I hated the word examine. Nothing good could ever come from it.
"If I needed to examine your reproductive system, would that be possible?"
"No!" My hands flew up to my face. "No! You can't see that!"
"I wouldn't hurt you, Eren, and it wouldn't even be sexual. It's purely medical and scientific, I promise."
"No!"
"Is this about you being shy?" They paused. "Or is this about your dysphoria?"
"Guess," I hissed. It about 99% my dysphoria and 1% me being shy.
They nodded. "I'll try to avoid it then."
I didn't comment. They looked over the notes they had been jotting down and then looked at the tube of my blood.
"I think that'll be all, Eren. You're dismissed." They smiled at me and stood up.
"Wait, how long will this take?" I wasn't too happy about the idea of keeping my hands off Levi.
"I really don't know. If everything goes well, about a month, I guess."
I frowned. A whole month.
"Aw, cheer up, buttercup. It's not that bad." They patted my shoulder.
"Says you. You don't have to sleep so close to something you can't have. Especially since that thing you can't have is the best thing in existence." I scowled at stood up.
"Well, I mean you can still take Levi's dick. Just not vaginally." They tilted their head. "Do we need to have a sex ed talk about anal?"
"Hanje!" I covered my blushing cheeks with my hands.
"Do we? Because anal is quite fun." They smiled at me and then bent down to their desk. "Basically just make sure you have lots of prep and take it slow, Eren. Start with his fingers and then work your way up."
They rummaged around for a bit and then pulled out a little tube. They handed it to me.
"Have fun with that." They winked at me.
I stood there speechless. I didn't know exactly what to do. I was dismissed but I felt like there was something else we needed to talk about. I shuffled on my feet.
"Unless you want Levi's babies right now…" They trailed off.
"I-I don't know. I want Levi's babies, but I don't think this is the right time. I mean, with the war and all…"
They gave me a sympathetic look. "Eren, I get that, but babies are born in war time just as they are born during peace time. Think about it, Eren, if everyone waited until humanity was at peace before having babies, the human race would be long gone by now."
"You just want titan babies to study." I grumbled.
"That's not true!" They huffed. "Not entirely true, anyway. I want Levi to be happy for once in his miserable little gay life. You make him happy. A family is something he has never even considered before, and you can give that to him. Just…talk to him. Do what makes you two happy. If you do have a baby, we will figure something out."
"Hanje... I just don't know what to say." I looked up at my friend. Their friendship was such a gift to me.
"Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Erwin makes a day care center in his office." They snorted. "He may seem like a real hard ass, but he would just melt all over Levi's babies. Imagine him playing peek-a-boo with your tiny, little, Levi level short baby. Cause it would happen."
"I would be daddy. Levi would be papa." I smiled at them.
"Hell yeah you would." They clapped me on the back. "Alright, you get back to work."
"Alright!"
I left Hanje then and walked back down to the field where I had been assigned to help the next round of trainees. After the graduation ceremony, the next class started almost immediately. The last group of graduates had the absolute honor of showing these new kids how to put on their belts, much like we had the absolute honor of cleaning the wall. I hated this duty, but Mikasa and Armin and the rest of my friends were all out here with a group of kids, most of whom would not make it.
Armin and Mikasa had taken 9 trainees instead of 6 to make up for my absence while I was in Hanje's and they were relieved to see me come back. Armin called out to three kids who looked like they were just wrestling instead of working and sent them with me. Great. Mikasa gave me three kids, saying they were the quietest and smartest out of the bunch she had. So I had Armin's worst and Mikasa's best. Great combination. I looked across the field. No one was doing any better.
I sat in the field with my kids around me and I listened to the new kids talk while untangling a ball of belts. I fucking hated this.
"This is literally bullshit." I heard one l with very long hair grumble. I wondered how they would take having to cut it off.
"Gomi, it can not be literal bullshit because-" A boy much taller than them teased them.
"I swear to god, I will kick your ass." They approached him with a belt in their hand and raised it to smack him. Fucking trainees are already going at it like Jean and I. I was about to yell at them when someone else did for me.
"No kicking my boyfriend's ass." A very small boy with messy hair stepped in between them.
I looked at them and smiled. It seemed I had some queer kids in my group.
"I'm allowed to fucking kick my brother's ass if I fucking want to, Rin, you literal asshole." They growled at the littlest boy, Rin. I had a feeling they had a real bad attitude.
"How am I literally an asshole? I have legs, and arms!" Rin waved his arms around in front of the little Gomi and the tall boy just laughed. They didn't seem interested in learning how to put on belts at all. I had left these three with Armin. I bet he had a hell of time with them.
I listened in on Mikasa's three. They were talking about the science behind breeding dragons. I stopped listening. I didn't even want to know. I finally got most of the belts untangled and decided that now I could show them.
The lesson took hours. By the time dinner rolled around to take me from this misery, I had their frustrated growls ringing in my ears. I thought about the little one with long hair. They had cussed every other word. It had been so long since I had heard so many cuss words.
I grabbed my food sat next to Levi at the officer table. I leaned over and nuzzled his neck. Erwin snapped at me until I picked my head up and looked at him.
"No," Erwin said. "We need to keep your relationship secret."
"Okay." I pouted. I started to eat my stew when I felt Levi's hand curl around mine under the table. I looked over at him. He was drinking his tea and just listening to Hanje prattle on with a bored look on his face. Only I knew he was being affectionate. I blushed and quietly ate.
"How's the newest group of trainees looking?" Erwin asked me.
"They look good!" I said, because I didn't know anything else to say. It wasn't even guaranteed that the group I had been with today would make it through training.
"Did you have time to talk up the Scouts? We really need a steady flow of new soldiers." He gave me a pointed look.
"Oh! No, sir! I didn't know I was supposed to! I'm sorry! I'll definitely be sure to-" I started tripping all over myself. But stopped when Levi squeezed me hand.
"It's okay, Eren! I don't mean to push you, but if you do have a chance to mention some good things-"Erwin started.
"Old man, leave his shit alone." Levi said without any emotion in his voice.
"Old man?" Erwin asked with a smirk. "You're not so young yourself, Levi."
Levi rolled his eyes. I took a bite of my bread and chewed on it so I wouldn't say something stupid.
"I mean," Erwin smiled, leaning forward, "it's not like I'm the one who wants to impregnate a young boy."
I choked on my bread and Levi had to beat his fist on my back. I coughed and wheezed and hacked while Levi hissed insults at Erwin. I looked around the table at Levi's squad. No one look surprised, and I knew someone outted me to them. I tried to remain calm. How many more people knew now? When had they been told? Who told them?
"So, Levi does want Eren's kids." Hanje snorted. I looked at him wide eyed. He glared at Erwin without saying a word.
"What?" I squeaked. I looked back and forth between Levi's glaring at Erwin and Erwin's smirking at Levi.
"Babies would be so cute." Petra leaned forward and butted into the conversation. I looked down at the table and wished Levi would hold my hand again.
"How would we take care of a baby while working?" Mike asked.
"'We'? Obviously it would be Eren and Levi's burden to bear." Olou leaned in.
"We would all take care of the baby! We would all love and support the baby!" Petra smiled.
I gulped and crossed my arms over my chest to hug myself. I was uncomfortable. This was too personal too fast. Levi stood up suddenly and brushed out of the room. An uncomfortable silence fell over the table.
"Oh no, Mr. Grumpy is grumping again," Hanje said. I sat and squeezed my shoulders. I knew they were all looking at me. Petra got up and sat next to me.
"Hey, doll," She rubbed on my back. I knew she was trying to be comforting, but her hands on my back made me paranoid that she could feel my binder. I winced away and she dropped her hand.
"Who told you?" I asked her. I saw her auburn hair flip in my peripheral and I looked up at her. She was staring hard at Erwin.
"Did he not give you permission to tell us?" Petra asked Erwin. At least she was using my correct pronouns and everyone else seemed to be accepting, too. I was just so pissed at Erwin. I snapped.
"No! I never gave him permission to tell everyone!" I stood up and put my hands on the table and hissed at Erwin.
"Eren!" Petra scrambled to stand behind me and pull on my shoulder.
"I didn't tell everyone, just all those who I thought needed to know." Erwin stood up and walked around the table to me. I didn't move. He pulled on my other shoulder and Petra let me go. I didn't look at him, clenching my jaw and glaring at the ground.
"Eren." He said softly. "I'm sorry if I upset you."
I jerked my shoulder out from under his hand and turned on my heel. I went off in a huff and didn't stop until I was in our room.
"Erwin told them!" I yelled as I slammed the door. Levi was sitting on his bed with his legs crossed. He had already taken off his skirt and jacket.
"He told my squad and Mike and Nanaba. Hanje and Mike's squad don't know, though." He murmured.
"Did you know he was going to tell them?" I asked him. I didn't want to even think about Levi knowing I was going to be outted and not doing anything.
"He told me after he told them." He spat. "It was earlier today while you were with those brats on the field."
"I-I feel so- so –so," I started, tugging on my hair.
"Betrayed? Yeah." He scowled. I let go of my hair and looked curiously at him.
"Levi?" I asked him.
"I didn't think he would so casually tease me about what I told him." He kept his head low, picking at some nonexistent threads in his cravat.
What he told him? I thought back to what Erwin had said and gasped.
"You want kids?" I asked him. He looked up sharply at me.
"I don't know. I had never even thought about it before. Back when I first discovered I was gay, I thought I wouldn't be able to ever have kids because-"
"You never considered being with a trans person? With a man with a vagina?" I walked toward him.
"Yeah."
"Does it bother you that I'm a man with a vagina?" I asked quietly. He jerked his back up straight and glared at me.
"Don't ask questions you already know that answer to. It wastes time and muddles communication. You know I love you, no matter what is between your legs." He said gruffly.
I swallowed hard. I knew we needed to talk about everything, but I didn't want to do it like this. I didn't like that we were both fully dressed and oh so far apart. I wanted to have this conversation curled up naked in his arms. The image of that reminded me of my morning meeting with Hanje.
"Oh! Hanje took my blood today." I said. He furrowed his brows.
"For the birth control. They said that if all went well, they could have it done in about a month." I explained. He nodded. I tried not to think about the little tube in pocket of my pants hidden under my skirt.
"So, um, no sex for a month, huh? Think you can keep your hands off of me?" I joked, shifting from one foot to the other in front of the bed.
"I won't ever touch you if you don't want it, Eren." He reached a pale hand out and patted the bed beside him. It was the invitation I had been waiting for. I stripped off my boots and placed them beside his before climbing into his bed and sitting cross legged against the wall like him.
"That's not what I mean…I'm talking about how it will be a challenge to keep your hands off of me because I want you to put them on me."
"Oh? You want me to fuck you again?" He reached his hand out and held mine like he had done under the table.
"Shut up!" I blushed and looked away from him. "You know I do!"
"That can be arranged." He shifted onto his knees and then slid over my lap. He kept in the kneeling positon and I had to tilt my head up to reach him for once. He kissed me sweetly and stroked my face.
I pulled back. "We really can't."
He frowned.
"I mean, I want you, too, but the more we do it the higher the chance of me getting pregnant is…I, uh, don't think we've reached an agreement on that, yet. But, um, Hanje, uh, mentioned something to me." I turned my head away from him and closed my eyes tight.
He took it as an opportunity to kiss and nip at my neck. I straightened my legs out underneath him and rested my hands on his hips.
"What was it Hanje said?" He purred as he licked the shell of my ear. I twisted my face up and tried to remain calm despite the tingles that shot through me.
"They, um- It's more like they suggested something." I whispered and he brought his hands up to start unbuttoning his shirt.
"Go on…" He leaned back and pulled his cravat out of his collar so he could shrug the shirt off. I took in the sight of his toned shoulders and slender neck. His cravat hung a little loose and I wondered if he would wear it and only it if I asked.
"I, uh," I stuttered as I tried to think of a way to ask him to fuck me in the ass. He started kissing my neck again and I let myself feel his shoulders. He was right. I fucking loved shoulders.
"Th-They, um, suggested that we have sex without me getting pregnant." I whispered. He nodded into my neck and ran his nose up and down my skin, leaving kisses in key spots. I was sure I was red all the way down my neck by now.
"You know I am a gay man, Eren. I assure you, I know all about ass fucking." He murmured into my ear.
I squirmed as he ran his hands up my sides under my shirt. I thought about his being gay and what he said when we first got together about me being the first transman he had ever been with. All the rest of his boyfriends had penises then, and I suddenly felt very inadequate. I wondered if he liked to be fucked by them.
I gulped and grew stiff even under his gentle touches. He would never get to jack me off because I didn't have a penis. He would never get to give me a blowjob because I didn't have a penis. He would never get to be fucked by my penis because I didn't have a penis. He would never get to tease me about my morning wood because I didn't have a penis. He would never get to feel my cum all over him or taste my sperm because I didn't have a penis. He would never get to do so many fun things with me. Because I didn't have a penis.
He sensed my mood shift and felt me get tense. "Eren?"
I didn't respond. I was getting caught up in yet another whirlwind of dysphoria.
What if he loved dick and he was sad I didn't have one? Was he disappointed? Was he regretting our relationship? Was I a good enough partner? Was he unsatisfied with our relationship and our sex because I didn't have a penis? Was I as good as his past boyfriends?
"Eren? Hey, we don't have to do anything. Don't stress, Eren." He stopped kissing me and sat down in my lap so he was just right height to curl into my chest. But he couldn't. Because I disliked having my chest touched. Another thing he had limits on. I clenched my jaw tight and tried not to panic. I squeezed his hips roughly.
"Eren, we don't even have to try anal. Please, calm down, Eren." He shifted in my lap. I was hit by another thing he would never get to do. He would never get to feel my bulge press against him when we sat so close. Because I would never have a bulge. Because. I. Didn't. Have. A. Penis.
Of course I would never compare to his past boyfriends. Those were cis men who he could play with without limitations. They never had to worry about getting pregnant. Levi never had to work around dysphoria with them. I lowered my head to my chest. I felt like I was holding him back. I wasn't adequate and I sure as hell couldn't compare to the other men he had been with.
"Eren, please say something to me." He pleaded with me and I felt his hands comb through my hair and try to pick up my head.
"I-I-I don't," I stammered out, holding my eyes shut tight. I swallowed against the tears that were threatening to come out. How many fucking times have I cried over not having a dick? I hated it.
"You don't? What, Eren? Please, tell me. You don't want to try anal? That's completely fine. Eren, beautiful b-"
"I don't have a penis!" I growled, jerking my head up and snapping my eyes open. He looked shocked for a second before pressing his hands onto my shoulder.
"Okay?" He prompted.
"Okay? Okay! That's it? I'm just- I'm just not good enough." I said. His eyes widened.
"Eren-"
"I'll never be as good or as satisfying as your ex-boyfriends! I'll never be able to take you the way they could! I'll never be able to ram my dick into your prostate and I'll never be able to fill you up with cum and I'll never be able-" I started to cry. I reached one hand up and covered my mouth to stifle my cries.
"Eren, you need to listen to me." He said harshly, pushing my shoulders hard against the wall. "You are enough. You are more than enough, actually. Yeah, you don't have a dick. Yeah, you can't do certain things with me because of it, but, hey, you can do things that they couldn't either."
"But-but surely I'm not as good as them sexually. I mean, you didn't have to worry about them freaking out because you played with their chest too long or-" I started. He cut me off with a kiss. It was just a peck, but it was firm.
"You are very good in bed, you silly brat. You need me to talk about all the things I love about fucking you?" He leaned in and whispered in my ear. "Because I will."
I wrapped my arms around his back and pulled him close to me. "I wouldn't believe you if you did."
"Eren," he sighed. "I love you and I love your vagina. Case closed. No. There wasn't even a case to begin with. I love you and I love your vagina. Done. That's it."
"But your ex-boyfriends had penises, Levi. They were cis." I said, then added in a quieter voice, "I would do anything to be cis."
"Brat." He growled. "Where the fuck am I right now?" He pulled back and grabbed my head with both hands, holding it so I was looking right at him.
"You're in your room?" I guessed, looking around him as much as I could without turning my head against his strong hands.
"No. I'm in our room. I'm in our room in one of our beds. Most importantly, I'm in your lap. Yours. You. Eren fucking Yeager. My titan brat. If I wanted to be with one of my ex- boyfriends, I would be there. I want you, beautiful brat boy." He looked deep into my eyes. "Understand?"
"I-I think so. Am I really as satisfying as them?" I asked.
He sighed. He let go of my head and leaned into my neck. He rested his lips right near my ear and let his hands wander all over my body.
"I love the noises you make when I fuck you. I don't just mean the little whimpers and the moans you make, I mean all the squishy, wet noises you make, too. I love that."
"Levi!" I squeaked. God, I had heard my own sloppy, wet noises and I hated them. To me, they were gross, but Levi liked them.
"I like how warm you are inside and how you buck your hips up to meet mine. You like it deep." He grabbed my wrists and held them against the wall. I started getting hot swirls of arousal and the feeling started to erase away my previous worry.
"I love eating you out. I love the way you taste and how your wetness just slides so easily over my tongue. I love the way you squeeze you thighs around my head and push my head down and just bury in your wonderful wetness. I love the way you flutter all around me when you orgasm. " He purred and I had to admit that hearing him talk like this was helping.
"I know you don't like them, but I like your chest." He paused. I braced myself for whatever he was about to say next. I really didn't like hearing him talk about it, but I would let him tell me if he wanted to.
"I like how soft they are and how they fit perfectly into my hands." He let go of one of my wrists and I was scared he was going to demonstrate how well I fit into his hand before he put his arm behind me and hugged me close.
"I love the way you look when I fuck you. You look so good, just drenched in sweat and shaking. I like the way you tilt your head back and the way you arch your back up and the way your chest bounces more and more the rougher I get and-"
"Stop." I said, using my free hand to push against his shoulder. He pulled back from me and looked up in worry.
"Please, please, please, please don't ever mention how my chest bounces when you fuck me ever again." I begged him, holding his gaze pleadingly. I knew it bounced. I could feel it and see it. I hated it. I didn't need him to remind me of it. Now every time we were fucking, I would be thinking about how much my chest was bouncing.
"Shit. I'm sorry, Eren. I should have known better. I just wanted to express how much I liked your body, and I mean all of it. Shit, I didn't mean to hurt you. Shit." He moved off of me and sat beside me. "I just keep fucking this up. I'm sorry, Eren."
I crossed my arms over my chest and pulled my legs up. We were quiet for a few minutes. The air was thick with tension and awkwardness. I figured this fell into the 'emotional' category he told me he wasn't good with.
"Do you need me to leave?" He whispered.
"If that's what you wanna do." I whispered back. I tipped my head back and rested it against the wall. I didn't know what to do if he left.
"It's not what I wanna do."
"Okay." I said. I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve before covering up my chest once more. We sat in silence for a few minutes.
"I'm such a fuck-up." He whispered, more to himself than to me.
"Levi," I whined. I hated this awkward feeling. He got up and stood in front of me. I tried not to be distracted by the way his shirtless body looked.
"Look, Eren, how about we start this conversation over? We can get into our pajamas and lay comfortably together and just talk."
I tried to smile at him. "Yeah. Okay."
He relaxed a little and pulled out his pajama pants. He tugged on his cravat and pulled it off to lay it next to his pajama pants on top of the dresser. He put his hands on the button of his pants before I cleared my throat. He looked over at me and then focused on the way I clutched at my chest still. He let go of the button and walked back over to the bed, grabbing his shirt. He slipped it on as he talked.
"I'll go get some water for us and tell the others that we're turning in early tonight." He pulled on his boots and walked out of the door. I knew he didn't need to tell them. They wouldn't bother us after what happened at the table. I knew we didn't need water, either. He was just using it an excuse to give me some time alone to change. I tucked Hanje's present away under my shirts before I undressed.
I undressed slowly, not wanting to take my binder off, but figuring I should anyway. I would likely be talking in Levi's arms for a while until we either fell asleep or had sex. Either way, I would need my binder off. I left my active binder on though, not wanting to have my chest unrestrained. I pulled on the big green sleep shirt I stole from Erwin and a loose pair of black boxers. I moved the pillows and blankets from my bed over to his since we would be there tonight. I was just adjusting them for maximum comfort when he knocked.
I almost felt bad, making him knock at his own damn door. I did appreciate it, though. He was trying his best to take care of me.
I opened the door and he came in with a glass of water. He offered it to me and I took a sip.
"Thanks." I said to him as looked over my outfit.
"You're welcome. Do you mind if I change in here?" He asked. I shook my head no and I placed the water on the nightstand before I sat on the comfy bed to watch him undress. He pulled off his boots and shirt again before realizing I was staring at him.
"I remember the first time I changed in here. You were so shy. You covered your eyes and insisted you wouldn't look. Now look at you, shamelessly staring at me." He chuckled.
"I was worried I would want what I couldn't have." I smiled at him. He undid his pants and pulled them off quickly. He held them up and folded them before putting them on the dresser. He peeked at me to make sure I was watching before he hooked his thumbs under his boxer briefs. I gulped.
He pulled them down slowly, revealing his body to me bit by bit. I saw the trail of black hair that ran down from his belly button get bigger and bigger before I saw his pubic hair and the thick base of his penis. My cheeks grew hot as I remembered the way he felt inside of me. I flashed my eyes up to his face and saw him smirking. I stuck my tongue out at him. That fucker knew exactly what he was doing.
He snickered and pulled his underwear all the way off. I kept my eyes unashamedly glued to his penis. It was pretty even when it wasn't hard. I did prefer it hard, though, I licked my lips thinking about it.
"Whatcha thinking about, naughty boy?" He teased as he pulled his pajama pants up his legs.
"Like you don't know." I shot back. He started walking over to the bed and I got settled in my usual position. He slid in beside me and soon he was spooning me.
He stroked my sides over my shirt and I relaxed into him.
"What should we discuss first?" He asked.
"How about we skip the talking and just fuck?"
"Eren," he sighed. "You know we can't."
"We can." I said to him. "I want you to fuck me in the ass, Levi."
He stiffened. His hand paused on my waist. "You don't have to do that, Eren."
"I know. I want to." I pulled reached down and pulled his hand up to face and nuzzled it.
"You sure? You didn't have a good reaction when we talked about it earlier." He sounded worried.
"That reaction wasn't because I don't want to try anal, it was because I was- ugh, Look, Levi, I was just having a bad moment of dysphoria." I kissed his palm and left little pecks on each of his fingertips.
"I made it a whole lot worse with the, er, comment I made?" He made it sound like a question.
"That definitely didn't help. The reaction I had earlier was based mainly on bottom dysphoria. I don't get caught up in it as much as I do my chest dysphoria, but when I do… It's a bit more intense than when I get caught up in chest dysphoria."
"Can I help?" He asked.
"Not really. It's worse than the chest dysphoria because I can bind my chest tighter and wear loose shirts and stuff to help cope with it, but for bottom dysphoria… I can't exactly help it." I took a deep breath.
"I-I sometimes stuff things down in my underwear to make a bulge and look in the mirror and sometimes that helps. I used toilet paper when I was little, like how someone might stuff their bra." I started confessed. I felt kinda dirty about the whole thing, like I should be ashamed of how I relief my dysphoria. It felt okay and like a perfectly acceptable coping skill when I was doing it, but admitting it out loud to Levi made me feel dirty and gross. I let go of his hand in case he wanted to move away from me. He slid his hand down and rubbed soothing circles on my hip.
"I'm so sorry you have dysphoria, Eren. I can't even imagine it. You are so strong to deal with this, and however you deal with it, its okay."
"How are you so understanding?" I rolled over and tucked myself into his chest. He held me close.
"Beautiful boy…" he whispered to me. I kissed him, holding us as closely together as I could. He rolled us over and got on top of me.
"Levi," I whispered to him as I settled my leg on either side of his hips, "I think you ought to educate me about anal now."
"I can do that," he growled. Oh boy, I was having fun with the captain tonight.
I might have to change the name of this story because I've start to sing the title to the tune of call me maybe... I didn't even mean to. I told my sibling about it and then she hummed it and now its stuck in my head... hey levi i just met you and this is crazy but give heres my number so call me eren
