A/N: I could say that real life got busy, that the Muses refused to cooperate and John refused to play, but since it doesn't make this horrendous delay any shorter I'll just apologise – sorry – and post.

Chapter the Eleventh: Stuck in the Middle with You

John stood in the middle of the corridor, held at gunpoint by two of his team-mates while another was…was…

Being molested by you.

He ignored his disgustingly accurate brain. "It's not what I think? I didn't know we had that kind of relationship, McKay."

"We don't!"

The annoyance in McKay's voice eased John's mind from the panic it seemed to want to induce.

There's another you! He's touching Rodney McKay in inappropriate ways! Wrong! Wrong! Avert your eyes from the horror!

"Can you guys lower your weapons?" Sheppard asked, slowly leaving freaked-out territory for the safer annoyed lands.

"I believe this is the real John Sheppard," Teyla sagely told Ronon.

They both lowered their weapons, only to raise them an instant later. "It's coming back," Ronon said, looking over John's shoulder.

John could feel the rumble in the floor under his feet, and hear the song the mob of replicas had intoned upon seeing him exit the Mother's room. The noise he had thought to be his havoc-wreaking team had been dozens upon dozens of copies of his team running up the stairs. The moment they had laid eyes on John, they had frozen, opened their arms and launched into a heartfelt musical declaration.

John had run. He had run, then he had hidden, then he had found his real team. Now, his fake teams were coming back and, from the sounds of it, they had picked up a few more members.

That song was loud.

"Perhaps it would be wise to run."

"You came by jumper?"

"Yes."

"Then yeah, we should run."

"We should run, we should definitely run. Right now."

"Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" Not-Sheppard concluded. All in agreement with the plan, they ran.

Not-Sheppard led the way, holding Rodney's hand and pulling him at a speed the scientist found disagreeable.

"Slow down! You're going to kill me!"

Ronon took the lead, easily overtaking Not-Sheppard and his charge. "Hurry up, they'll get you."

Rodney chanced a quick look behind and saw Teyla, followed by Sheppard, followed by what looked to be more than a hundred Not-Thems, their arms open, stepping on the same beat and singing loudly.

"Faster! Faster!"

John Sheppard didn't chance a look behind, though he did see the panic develop further on Rodney's face. Not that it was a reliable barometer of how much trouble they really were, panic being a McKay default setting.

"Eyes forward when you run, McKay," John shouted, happy to reprise his role as team leader, to instruct and assist and guide those of lesser tactical ability than he. If his ordering McKay around also served to reassure the man, that he, John Sheppard, was closing the ranks and he would protect those that preceded him, that was just a side-effect of the primary ordering around function.

Though it made John inexplicably pompous, it felt great to be back on familiar territory. The unknown, alien worlds and alien ladies who wanted to woo him were nothing to worry about as long as Sheppard had his team. Plus one: that him that wasn't him.

John was denied the time to ponder this disturbing development as the Daughter and her backup singers appeared at the end of the corridor, standing with their arms crossed, seemingly intending to stop Sheppard's team from escaping.

Clones to the left of me, stalkers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

"Are you humming!?"

"What?"

"You are! You're humming! What happened to you? Why are you humming?"

"I was not humming. Shut up," John nearly pleaded as the Daughter came to stand before him.

"You cannot leave, John. I love you."

John felt the heat spread across his face and he hoped he was not really blushing like a schoolboy.

"I love you, John Sheppard," the Daughter said, coming forward. "I will do anything to please you." She ignored the weapons pointed at her and the protective stance the team had taken and went straight for John.

"Again! What is it with you?" Rodney exclaimed.

Sheppard frowned at Rodney, then at Teyla and Ronon who seemed too close to amusement for his comfort, but a caressing hand upon his face brought his attention back to the woman.

Run! Run! You know what she wants! Keep running!

"Please, do not leave me. Please."

"I…it's not you. It's me, I have…"

Rodney's arms went flying again. "Is this what you do? This is your answer? Come on, you're Kirk; let her down gently, but suavely. You're supposed to be smooth!"

"I am not Kirk, and McKay? Shut up."

"I don't see why I should if all you're going to do is stutter through an "it's not you it's me" speech. Listen," Rodney said, putting on his approximation of a sincere expression, "it's not that you're not very attractive, nice and I'm sure intelligent enough for him, but he has other priorities. If you really want him, you can have this one." He attempted to dislodge Not-Sheppard from his side and push him toward the woman, but Not-Sheppard fought fiercely.

"No, Rodney. I found you."

"Yes, yes, you found me, but now you've found a woman. Woman. I told you already, that's the type of people you should be hugging."

"No, you."

"No. Women."

"McKay, you don't shut up, Ronon'll shut you up."

Ronon took an eager step toward Rodney. John turned his attention back to the woman. "This is a really nice place, but it's not my home." He thought back to what she had told him earlier. "You wanted to come back to your home, right? I want that too. I want to go back to my home."

"This can be your home. You will have all your desire."

"I have all that at home."

"I will return with you," the woman said. "There will be no need for you to acknowledge my presence. I will hide, just as I did for so many months."

"My leader wouldn't allow it."

The woman smiled coyly. "There would be no need to inform anyone."

This was as much as Rodney could handle. "Ok. You want a Sheppard, you can have the copy. You can't have the original."

"Yeah," Ronon said, raising his weapon. "He's ours."

"Guys," Sheppard cautioned, conscious of the many replicas of his team-members standing a few steps behind.

"It's not like she knows you, Sheppard. You're just eye-candy, and Not-Sheppard looks just like you."

The woman pivoted sharply. "But I do know him, Doctor McKay. I know him, I know you. I know Ronon Dex and Teyla Emmagan. Radek Zelenka. Evan Lorne. Elizabeth Weir. Carson Beckett. I know many more. I know all about John Sheppard, and his people."

Rarely had John had the chance to see this particular look on McKay: the slack-jawed expression of incomprehension.

"I know him better than any of you ever could. He is mine. You CANNOT HAVE HIM."

Shit. I told you to run.

Letting out a high-pitched scream, the woman returned to her natural shape. The replicas fell to the floor with heavy thumps as their glowy bug operators left them. Not-Sheppard fell against Rodney who, surprisingly, did not step back. He let out a startled, "Oh," and carefully guided Not-Sheppard's frame to the floor. Not-Sheppard's face opened and a small, yellow light escaped. It fluttered an inch from Rodney's face before disappearing within the confines of his vest.

"Hey!" Rodney protested. He made to remove his vest, but a hand was on his arm, fingers digging painfully in the tender flesh of his biceps. Ronon propelled him forward and only let go when McKay was running under his own power.

"Someone call the jumper! We need emergency pick up!" John yelled above the roaring sound of thousands of hovering glowy bugs.

"Jumper! Jumper! Jumper" Rodney yelled into his radio.

"We've got you on the HUD, Doctor McKay, but you're in the mountain."

"I know I'm in the mountain!" Rodney answered snidely.

"You'll have to get out before we can pick you up."

"Thank you so much for your help, Captain Obvious! You are officially re-christened! I'll throw you off the South Pier to make it official!"

"McKay! Don't anger the nice marines who are supposed to save our asses!"

"This way," Ronon added to the conversation, in a calm and composed manner. He was not out of breath, was not ruffled in the least as he led them all to the open air with his unbelievably reliable instincts and sense of spatial orientation.

As they burst out of the mountain and the massive estate, John took a millisecond to be amazed at how lucky they all were to have gotten out of this one so easily. The next millisecond was occupied with a sense of vertigo as he was lifted in the air and carried away by a cloud of yellow lights.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH," shrieked Rodney. "Not again," he screamed in frustration once the moments of terror had passed.

"Again," John asked, observing his team-mates. Teyla was quietly resigned to his left, Ronon was struggling fiercely to his right, and McKay was grumpy in front. To John's great pleasure, the jumper appeared behind Rodney. To his great displeasure, the cloud of glowy bugs shifted and grew thicker between the jumper and the team.

"So. What now?" Sheppard asked the panel, only to receive disbelieving looks in return.

"This rescue business isn't working out for us," McKay said, dejectedly.

Teyla nodded. "I suggest we allow Major Lorne's team to lead rescues in the future. He has had many opportunities to refine his skills."

"Every time we try to rescue someone, we get into deeper trouble."

"But we get out of it," Ronon said between two kicks.

"There's that," McKay answered in the same tone he used the few times he had to concede a point. John believed he had last heard that tone in the mess hall. McKay had been bemoaning the lack of real maple syrup for his waffles, and Teyla had kindly pointed out that at least there were waffles to be had. John realised that this conversation, though it took place while they were carried off to the unknown – again – was no less different than the one that had taken place over breakfast. He realised that the weird, alien-filled part of his life had become just as normal as mealtime. Different circumstances, some more dangerous than others, but always the same people and very similar discussions.

Looking at his friends, John saw that they were as always, relatively unchanged despite the adventures and the nonsense: one waited patiently for what would come, the other prematurely fought what would come, and the last bemoaned what had and what would come. Because the scene was so normal despite its evident abnormality, John laughed his true, loud, braying laugh.

Then he, along with Rodney, Teyla and Ronon, plummeted to the ground.