The Road to Recovery
By: Jamie Sommers
Chapter Eleven: Revelation
Author's Note: Thank you Broadway Baby for your exceptional editing skills and for keeping me inspired. Thank you to all of you that read my stories, send me messages to keep me motivated (Peaches) and wait patiently for each update. We're getting to the good part so I hope you're all gonna stick around. ~J
The Road to Recovery
I stood staring at Peeta's front door, willing myself to move, but, I couldn't. My feet felt weighed down by a mixture of anger, guilt and remorse. My heavy footsteps made their way from his house to my own, and in the back of my mind I could hear myself saying to Caesar Flickerman, at the start of the Victory Tour, "Thanks to the generosity of the Capitol, we've never been closer."
And Peeta's facetious response, "Twenty-five yards to be exact."
Twenty-five yards suddenly felt like twenty-five miles, and the closer I got to my own home, the worse I felt. I longed for the days when anger was my primary emotion; it was so much easier being pissed at someone, than blaming yourself for causing their pain.
Throwing the door to my house open, I saw that Gale was still sitting on my sofa. Why didn't he leave? Why did he even come back to this district? In that moment I hated him and welcomed the rush of rage that ripped through me.
"Catnip, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"No! You shouldn't have!" I grabbed a kitchen chair, picked it up, and slammed it back down. "Why would you do that, Gale?"
"Because…" He started walking closer to me and I was tempted to throw the chair at him. "I still love you." The chair stayed put.
I had no idea how to respond to him, but I knew I couldn't deal with it right then. "Please leave."
He stood still for a few seconds, as if the decision was up to him, and then said, "Okay, Catnip. But if you want to talk…"
"Just go, Gale." I should've said more; should've told him that I didn't love him. That all of the kisses we shared in the past were nothing more than a young girl trying to figure out her feelings. Gale's kisses never stirred anything inside of me. Nothing. His touches never soothed me, or made me feel like…like…a woman. There I was; one man telling me he loved me, but acting like a complete jerk in the process. While the other man that had spent years…practically his whole life, loving me, and couldn't even look at me. Who needed a country to destroy? Apparently I could cause a war within the confines of my own home.
My phone rang several times before I answered it with a forceful, "What?"
"Hello, to you, too, sweetheart."
I would have hung up on him, but I was still at the mercy of the Capitol and figured he had something important to tell me. "What do you want, Haymitch?"
"Just checking in. Since Gale's been there, he's been giving me a detailed report on your days…and nights. Not good."
I should've given him that black eye after all, I thought to myself. "Whatever. I don't really care." And I didn't. Who cared what happened to me? I was never leaving Twelve. I'd probably wind up like Haymitch. Going through life, getting drunk and brooding, with only a flock of geese to keep me company. "Let them do what they want."
"Boy troubles, sweetheart?" The slew of words I called Haymitch would've made Effie Trinket cringe. Thankfully he didn't call back after I hung up on him.
Just go over there, Katniss. Go over and talk to Peeta, I silently told myself, about a million times over, until I could no longer put off facing the nightmares on my own.
Since returning to Twelve, there was always a moment before I'd completely wake, when everything in life felt uncomplicated; when the world I lived in was not rebuilding from the ground up. When the district I was born and raised in was not a pile of rubble and the dead didn't line the streets; their ashes blowing in the wind. In that moment I could feel Prim's presence, sleeping peacefully in her bedroom, with her frilly, pink bedding cocooning her in warmth. In that moment I could feel Peeta's arms around me. I could hear his voice telling me that everything was going to be all right and I could feel his lips pressing lightly against my head…cheeks…lips. In that brief moment of time he still loved me, the way he used to before being captured by the Capitol. Gale was still my best friend, and there was no animosity between him and Peeta. Gale didn't resent Peeta. And Peeta wasn't jealous of Gale. They accepted one another and I didn't have to choose between either one of them. For those few short seconds my world was serene and tranquil. It was when I opened my eyes and saw the light of day streaming through my window that the truth would set in. The shock of life's harsh realities would pour down on me, and the terror of being killed that used to consume me, turned to a fear of being alive.
I had lived with a constant ache in the pit of my stomach for so long that I had forgotten what being pain free felt like. It wasn't until Peeta reentered my world and showed me that I was allowed to go on living, that the hurt dissipated and a new sensation took its place.
I hadn't known true desire until Peeta showed it to me. I thought I knew what it was like to want for something, but I had cut so much out of my life; full meals…sleep...boys…sex…love… The list was endless. I dismissed things I considered frivolous. I actually thought the relationship developing between Peeta and I, was a luxury.
When I fully awoke, and the inevitable came crashing down upon me, I instantaneously came to the conclusion that what I shared with Peeta was far from an indulgence I was allowing myself to revel in. It was a necessity, and his absence brought the sorrow he had taken away back with a vengeance.
I gripped hold of my belly and rolled onto my side as the warmth of my tears pooled at the bridge of my nose, then dripped onto my pillow. Within seconds my river of tears flowed across the white linens of my bedding and the damp pillow case clung to the side of my cheek. Other than the three days before Gale's arrival in Twelve it had been weeks since I awoke crying for the loss of my sister…my friend…my life. I was more than making up for that now.
The first person I cried for was Prim. There was so much life left ahead of her, but that was taken away. Had she survived, there was no doubt in my mind that she'd be in Four with my mother, learning the ins and outs of becoming a physician. Unlike me, my sister didn't have a fear of relationships, so I knew she would have found someone to grow old with. She would have had a family and her children would have never questioned whether or not they were loved, because Prim would have showered them in it. I could almost hear her voice telling me to stop crying for her, that she was in a place where no one could ever harm her again and she finally had the ability to watch over everyone she loved.
The next person I cried for was Gale and the hatred I longed to feel towards him. In my head, I still blamed him for Prim's death, but in my heart, I wanted to forgive him. He had been the one person I could always count on, but the more I looked back at our relationship the more I realized, we only fed each other's hatred of circumstances that were out of our control. I remained uncertain of my feelings for Gale with the exception of one thing: I knew I wasn't in love with him. The thought of his kissing me in my kitchen, turned my stomach. In comparison with Gale's other kisses, this last one made me feel more than any other. I felt betrayed. Gale's presumption, that I wanted him to kiss me, said loud and clear, that he may have heard what I said to him, but hadn't listened to a word. I stood before him, crying over Peeta, yet he was deaf to that. It was as though he couldn't believe I'd ever have feelings for someone other than him. I backhanded my eyes, was pissed as hell, and didn't waste another tear on him.
The last person I cried for was me. I hated what I was turning into. What Peeta had turned me into. A couple of years ago, I remembered overhearing a conversation between two girls at school. One of them was crying to the other about a boy she had been going out with who had told her he loved her and then dumped her. When I walked away from them I actually laughed, thinking to myself, there are worse things in the world. Quit whining. People were starving to death, children were being reaped for the Capitol's enjoyment, and she was acting as though her life had come to an end over a stupid guy. I would never have done something like that, yet I found myself doing the exact same thing. The only difference was that I didn't have anyone to talk to about Peeta's walking away from me…from us.
"Oh God," I choked out and buried my face into my pillow. Peeta and I had been an "us." We were a couple. Neither one of us ever expressed it out loud, but deep inside I think we both knew we went beyond the line of friendship a long time ago.
When I finally dragged myself from my bed and into my shower, my footsteps echoed through the bedroom and accentuated the emptiness of my home. I was alone once again and it truly bothered me. I hated that I needed Peeta, but I did, and whether he wanted to admit it or not right then, he needed me too. I contemplated going to see him before breakfast, but I was unsure of what to say to him. It wasn't like I could tell him I loved him, because I still wasn't certain myself. Or maybe I was and simply didn't want to admit it out loud. Doing so would make me one of those girls I despised, but I had already proven I was exactly that.
I busied myself throughout the day with chores that didn't need to be done; the menial tasks kept my mind off of what was missing in my life. I had developed some sort of mantra over the past twenty-four hours that I kept repeating to myself, "You brought this on yourself. You brought this on yourself."
At one point resentment took over. I was furious with Peeta for making me feel so much then taking it all back. What right did he have to change my life so drastically? To give me hope and then rip it away? I hated when I had internal arguments with myself; they didn't show me in the best light, Then again, what right did you have to do the same to him? Weren't you the one that made him believe there was something between the two of you in the arena and then ran back to Gale the first chance you got? "No!" I screamed into thin air. "I was the one that did what I had to do to get us both out of the arena alive!"
I dropped a bowl I had taken out of the cupboard, onto the kitchen table, with a thud, and ran my hand over the surface of the marked wood. I could see myself leaning over an injured Gale. Placing a kiss on his lips while he lay with his back bleeding on the same table. Sitting in the cold while we were in District Two and accepting Gale's kiss in order to fill the loneliness; to feel somewhat human again. It was Gale's hand I had reached for when we were hiding out in Tigris's basement, while Peeta watched from his spot cuffed to a pipe. I had kissed Peeta and begged him to stay with me only a day or two before, and then I switched my allegiance back to Gale without taking Peeta's feelings into consideration.
Accepting that you were a terribly self-centered human being was not an easy thing to do. I had caused both of those men so much pain while toying with their hearts. Even when Gale was kissing me back then, I hadn't thought about the long term effect. All I cared about was the here and now and how I could survive one more day. Gale's words came back with full force, "Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without." At the time I couldn't believe that my best friend thought so little of me. That Peeta, who had loved me unconditionally for so long, would even consider that to be true. But they were right. I was as selfish as Gale made me out to be. I don't think he meant those words as an insult back then, but they hurt, and now…all this time later, the memory of them stung even more, because I finally accepted the truth about myself.
I stared at the clock wishing that time would move a little faster, but the never-ending day dragged on. Listened for the phone; willing it to ring, but no sound was heard. And stared at the door, praying for a knock that would never come. I looked out the window towards Peeta's house and contemplated whether or not I should take a chance and go to him, but my fears of being rejected continued to win and I remained in the safety of my lonely home.
By this point I had put all thoughts of a new life with him to rest. I was certain that Peeta would've come to see me. He didn't. Was he questioning his decision to move back to District Twelve? This thought gave me pause. "No," I whispered to myself and begged no one in particular, for him to stay. Please don't leave me here alone, Peeta. Please. I had to see him. As I made my way to the front door I heard the knock and chanted quietly to myself, Please be Peeta. Please be Peeta. Please be Peeta. I wasn't disappointed.
"Hi," I said nervously.
He stood outside holding a basket of something with a ribbon on it. "Hi. I brought you some cheese buns."
"Come inside."
"No. That's all right, Katniss." He handed me the basket of warm bread and began walking backwards towards his house. "I'm going to go home."
NO! I wanted to scream it out loud; instead I stood frozen in place. "Please don't leave," the sound of my begging stopped him from running away.
He looked at the ground and toed at something. After careful consideration he finally decided to take me up on my offer, "Okay."
When he walked through my door I felt relief. I knew why he had stayed away. But I also knew I didn't want him to go. "Where have you been?" I asked as I went to the kitchen and busied myself with a pot of tea.
"Home. In town. Walking."
"Avoiding me?" I asked a little too sweetly.
"Yes."
I dropped the cups on the counter and walked towards him. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you had to stay away."
He shook his head and attempted to smile at me. It didn't quite gel. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It was my choice. I needed to figure some things out and having you around kind of…clouds my judgment."
"Oh." I inched towards him and asked, "Did you figure out what you needed to?"
"Sort of," he shrugged.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
"Not really," he said sheepishly.
"Okay." I was hurt, but what did I expect?
"It's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just that I don't know myself. I mean… I spent some time thinking about you and me. About the Games. Our time on the Victory Tour and… well…just us."
"Ah." He was back to analyzing our relationship again.
"The thing is; I'm not sure what was real and what wasn't."
"So ask me." I said eagerly. "Ask me anything you want and I'll tell you if it happened or not."
"That's not what I mean, Katniss."
I didn't get it. I didn't understand what he was talking about. "Well if you need to know what's real… I can help with that."
"No Katniss!" He looked at me angrily. "You can't. You don't even know yourself. Do you?"
"Of course I do." My memory wasn't hijacked.
The quizzical expression on his face took me aback for a moment and then he asked me, "Okay. Was it all a lie? In the cave? On the train? That night on the beach? Was all of it a lie?"
It wasn't the kind of real or not real I was expecting. "You mean did the Capitol implant those memories?" I knew that's not what he meant.
"Don't play coy, Katniss."
I didn't have an answer for him. Probably because I didn't know the answer. "You were right," I said quietly. "I don't know." The one thing I did know was that I was going to have to address this topic once and for all or risk losing him.
"I'm going to pass on the tea." He walked to my door and as he let himself out, he said, "See you around," like he was already writing me off.
The water was boiling. The tea was ready to be steeped. The cheese buns were still warm and I was somewhere in a cave in the middle of the arena.
My mind had gone back to the moment of our first real kiss. The one where I thought about shutting the world out and allowing only Peeta in. That was as real as anything to me. There were other moments in the cave I always assumed were for the sake of the camera, but since I was dissecting those events, there were a lot of things that didn't seem staged at all. Sure some of it was, like coaxing Peeta to eat the broth with kisses, and saying to him, "You don't have much competition anywhere," but there were also genuine moments. The feeling of Peeta's fingers as he brushed the hair away from my eyes. How my whole body seemed to relax when he did that and I fell asleep.
Sleep. That was another thing. I began sleeping in his arms while in the cave and there was nothing false about the security I felt within them, then or now.
Then there was the memory from our first day of school: my red dress, my hair being in two braids, the Valley Song. He remembered all of those things about me, and since I was trying to be honest, I felt happy when he told me those things. As happy as I could be considering our circumstances.
He made me smile. Gale used to say I only smiled when I was in the woods, but that wasn't true. Peeta made me smile all the time. And in the middle of the Games too. Heck, he made me laugh in the middle of the Games. What would it have taken from anyone else, even Gale, to bring that out in me? I knew the answer. No one could've brought that out except Peeta.
The guilt he felt over his kills in the arena. I watched him during the recaps and he just kept saying he was sorry over and over again as he slit the girl from Eight's throat. His reaction when he saw her image on television during the Reaping Day Tribute. And Foxface. That one really bothered him. He hadn't meant to kill her, but his ignorance did it anyway. Though I'd never tell him, I was relieved she died the way she did, because I didn't think I could kill her. Not after Rue died in my arms.
My thoughts traveled back to the feast. Why did I risk my life for his medicine? I barely knew him. Yes; he would've done it for me. Sure; the residents of Twelve would expect nothing less. But that didn't answer the question as to my motivation. Why did I go? Because I couldn't let Peeta die out there. If he had, I'd have died too. I would've let Cato kill me, or Foxface. Probably Foxface since the thought of Cato winning was completely revolting at the time.
I didn't have to delve into memories of the Victory Tour or the Quell, I had already gotten the answers Peeta and I needed. When all was said and done, it came down to one simple thing: I was in love with Peeta Mellark. Now all I had to do was get over my fear of actually saying it out loud. I sighed while thinking, Easier said than done.
I pulled out the book that Peeta and I had been working on. Flipping through the pages, I found the picture of Prim being kissed by her goat, Lady. It was the very first time I didn't tear up at the sight of her image. I traced my finger around her smiling face and hoped she could hear my thoughts, I fell in love, Prim. I'm in love with, the boy with the bread. I blew out a breath and whispered to her, "Wish me luck," then went to Peeta's.
The scent of yeast, wafted from his house regardless of the closed door. I knocked then entered when I heard him call out, "Come in." He obviously wasn't expecting it to be me. "Katniss!" He dropped the pan he had in his hand and stood staring at me. "What are you doing here?"
"You told me to come in."
"I thought you were Sae." He picked up the empty loaf pan, and placed it in the sink. "She was coming by to get some bread."
We both stood there staring. I had no clue what was going on in his head, and was grateful he didn't know what was going through mine.
"Well, it's me," I said. "Hope that's not a problem."
He was about to say something, but Greasy Sae's arrival put a damper on our conversation. "It's still pretty hot," he said to her. "I just took it out of the oven." He turned towards the sink and began washing the used pans while talking freely with Sae.
I wanted her to leave. Peeta, I want to talk to you. I want to tell you what I've been thinking about. I want to tell you that I can answer your questions now, I thought to myself.
I waited in silence while Sae wrapped up the bread in cheesecloth, and they continued their conversation about sourdough starter, whatever that was. When Sae finally left, I expected him to talk to me, but he continued splashing around in the sink washing bowls…spoons…pans… It was never-ending.
Turn around! Talk to me! I sent him a mental message which he obviously didn't receive so I tried out my actual voice, "Peeta?"
"Go home, Katniss," his distant tone sent a chill down my spine. "I'll come by in a little while."
When I entered my house I walked towards the kitchen and looked at the basket of buns he made me. One for every kiss, I thought while counting how many there were. Then I took notice of the loaf of bread he made for me. Was it just yesterday morning I noticed it on my counter? I took a small piece of it and placed it in my mouth. The flavor of cinnamon, raisins and nuts seeped through me and brought me back in time. I was eleven again. Making my mother and sister sit down at the table and slicing through a partially burnt loaf of bread.
"You don't like it." Peeta said from the entry way; closing the door behind him.
"No. That's not it." Tears began to form in the back of my nose and I did my best not to let them win. I was so sick of crying. "Peeta," I asked. "Why did you make this bread?"
"I don't know. I just started mixing up ingredients and that's what came out."
"Oh." I could barely get the word out. The idea that he couldn't remember the importance of this particular type of bread drained the blood from my heart.
"Katniss?" I could feel his stare piercing like an arrow through my back. "Katniss?" I couldn't look at him yet. I knew if I did the tears would follow and really…I was all cried out. "Are you okay?"
When I finally did look at him, the memory spilled from within, "This is the bread you burnt for me Peeta. This is the bread you threw to me in the rain. The bread that saved my life."
The look on his face told me that he hadn't forgotten. "Is it?" He knew exactly what he was doing when he was mixing those ingredients.
"You know it is Peeta!" I screamed at him, not meaning to. "Why did you make this?"
"I told you. I just started to mix up some ingredients and…"
"So you didn't mean to make this bread? You didn't mean to bring up thoughts of you saving my life?"
"No. I did."
I was in shock that he actually admitted it. "Why?"
"To help you remember."
"What do I need help remembering? I'm not the one that had his memory altered!" I yelled at him; regretting it the moment it left my lips.
"No, that was me. Although sometimes I think it was you," he said with enough accusation in his voice to get my blood boiling. "Sometimes I think you've forgotten that I took a beating for you when I didn't even know you."
"I know you did!" I hollered.
"Do you?" He hollered back. "Do you know? Because you sure don't act like it! You don't act like someone that actually cares about what I did or how old I was when I did it!" His breathing was labored as he continued yelling, "I knew, the moment I heard my name called in the reaping, I knew I was going to die. Not because I couldn't kill someone else or because I couldn't fight to the death! Because between you and me, you were the one I had to save! Your life has always been more important than my own! So important, I was actually going to volunteer if my name hadn't been called!" He picked up the remainder of the bread and slammed in on the counter. "I made this bread to remind you that it's always been real for me, Katniss. I never once pretended to love you. I didn't do it for sponsors, or the watching viewers. I never acted out of necessity. I acted out of love. I always have and I always will." His voice got slightly softer, but not by much, "I just needed you to know that."
I stood there like a deer blinded in the headlights, mumbling, "I do know that."
"But you still have no clue do you? No clue how much of…" his motioned between him and me, "this is real?"
"That's not true." I said in my defense. "You're my friend, Peeta. Someone I can rely upon. I've always known that. Even when I questioned it, deep inside, I knew that you were being kind t…"
"No. I wasn't being kind. I loved you. I love you."
As much as I wanted to say it back the words wouldn't come out. It was like the buildings around town. They were all brand new, but I still didn't believe just anyone could walk into a shop and buy food or clothes or thread or…anything, without giving it a second thought. I simply couldn't accept that we lived in that kind of a world; a world in which the Mockingjay could love someone without fatal consequences.
"Well," he looked at me as though I had broken his heart on purpose, and said snidely, "at least, now I know how you really feel."
"No. You don't know. You don't know a damn thing." The tears were gone and in their place was fury. "Ask me! Ask me what you want really want to know about! Or should I say, who?!" He didn't say a word. "Fine! Let me answer you anyway! There is nothing…NOTHING between me and Gale. And I hate that you made me go to the woods with him! I hate that you put me in that position!" I pointed in the direction of Gale's house. "Do you think he would've kissed me if I had just continued ignoring him? Well I can tell you, he wouldn't have. He would've just kept thinking that I hated him. Which is highly probable. And you…you told me you'd never leave me. You told me you'd stay with me always. Always, Peeta! But what did you do? You ran away and locked me out of your house. How do you think that made me feel? I spent the whole day fighting with Gale. And let's get one thing straight, I did that for you. For you!" I bore my pointing finger into his chest. "I was crying about you. YOU! To him. Telling him that I was afraid I'd lost you and then you walk into my house, see him practically mauling me, and instead of defending me or giving me a chance, you accuse me of, what was that again!?" I was pacing like a crazed woman. "Sleeping with one man and making out with another!" I picked up the loaf of bread and heaved it at him. "Get out of my house! Get out!"
His arms were around me in an instant while his mouth violently crashed against mine. I started to pound on his shoulder blades with my fists. I didn't want him to kiss me. I didn't want his arms around me, but my struggle only lasted a second or two. Hands that tried to push him away were now clinging to him. All of the fight had been sucked out of me with the flavor of his cinnamon and clove kiss.
"Peeta. I'm sorry." I spoke into his mouth.
"I'm sorry, Katniss." He pulled away just long enough to say, "I was selfish."
"No. No you weren't. I was," I insisted between our open mouths.
We kept apologizing between frenzied lips, tongues, hands... Each one of us listing off our faults; hoping the other could accept them.
I needed to stop for a moment and catch my breath, but that didn't keep Peeta from trailing his mouth from one of my ears to the other. My fingers threaded through his hair and I pulled him closer. "Peeta, please forgive me."
When he lifted his eyes to mine, they smiled. "Can we start over, Katniss? Can we just start over? From right here. Right now."
I was nodding frantically. "Yes. Yes. Let's start again. No lies this time."
"No secrets," he added.
"I'd like that," I said on a bit of a hitched breath.
"We can take it as slow as you like," his large palms kept brushing the hair away from the sides of my face. "We could spend time together; get to know one another again."
"Would you do that?" I asked. "Take it slow with me, Peeta?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"You said you weren't going to wait for me to choose," I choked the words out.
His lips brushed lightly against mine, "And you said there was no choice to be made."
"There isn't," I assured him. The words, I love you were stuck in my throat, but that didn't stop me from conveying how I felt. "I want to be with you, Peeta. Only you."
With his head dropped back, Peeta spoke towards the ceiling, "It's about time."
From the world of Road to Recovery
Told from Peeta's POV
~If Only I Could Reach Her~
Can be found on my story story page
Follow me on Tumblr. I'm jamiesommers23 and if you're looking for some Joshifer (Josh Hutcherson/Jennifer Lawrence) Fanfiction follow joshiferrecs
