EDITED. Catherine's POV
Sara has looked away from me. I sense in fear. She has just asked me to go with her so she can visit her mom. I have no problem with that. Sara needs me, and I will be there for her. I will always be there for her.
I'd rather she not go there alone after what she has told me. It can't be healthy, and I know Sara well enough to know that she will keep everything bottled inside, and use self destructive habits to rid herself of the pain. I don't want that. She has let me in, and I refuse to turn away from her.
As usual it is all or nothing.
I have not let Sara move from our position on the ground. She has attempted to escape, but I have made her lay here with my head resting on her stomach. I'm not going to let her run. I am not going to give her a chance to put her shields back in place.
I gently rub her side hoping to get Sara's attention. Hesitantly she looks at me and I send her a small, encouraging smile. "If you are certain that, that is what you want to do sweetheart, then let's go." Her eyes go wide and disbelief once again blankets her face. I can detect a slight twinkle in her eyes. A smile curling the edge of her lips behind her mask of emotion. One day she will discover that I am not everyone else. That no matter what happens I will not turn away from her. She is too precious to lose, and eventually I will make her realize that.
I push myself off of the ground then turn and grab Sara's hand to pull her up. I hold her hand tightly as we walk back to the car. As soon as I get in my seat I repossess her hand. I know she needs support, and I don't want her to think for a second that she is alone in taking this next step. She has hinted her need by being extra touchy, which I don't mind, but I am having an increasingly harder time fighting off my urges with every touch. I need to be careful.
I watch Sara in silence as she drives. Her expression is stoic because, I suspect, she knows I'm watching. All of her body language alerts me to the fact that she is nervous. Her lips have become a thin line, she has a death grip on my hand and the steering wheel, and she cannot seem to sit still. "Sara?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
"I have to." I nod to her response, and tighten my grip on her hand.
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I watch unsure of what to do. Sara again turns around and begins to walk to the car. I know better than to move since this is the fifth time she has done this. I am certain she will come back to face the building.
It is not a very pleasant place, but then again, I never expected it to be. Not with what it contains locked inside. Who it holds locked inside.
Sara appears in my line of vision. I note tears have built in her eyes and my heart stops. I cannot refrain my instinct to comfort her any longer. I know she wants to, needs to, do this, but I will not let her go about tearing apart her insides alone. This isn't the time for her to do this. Not after she has just forced herself to relive the terror of her childhood so that I could understand. Not after all the fear I am certain she felt at the thought that I would leave her, and never look back after what she told me. One thing I have observed is Sara has dealt with many people. People who don't stand by her side for very long.
As with every one of her other beliefs I am going to defy her rules, and all of her knowledge. So that she will understand that there are people in this world that do care about her. Care about her with all their heart, and that, that feeling is not temporary. There are people out there that are more than willing to love her for everything she is. Sara doesn't have to keep hiding.
When she stops by my side I wrap my arms around her, and she nuzzles her face in my neck. Sara begins to rack with sobs and I hold her as close as possible. Removing her from the world around us. I run my fingers through her hair, and quietly sing in her ear. She is clutching to my back as if I am the only thing holding her up.
She starts to calm down and I kiss the top of her head. "Hun you don't have to do this. Not now. We can come back."
She shakes her head but doesn't lift it. One of her hands slides to my upper back and she moves me even closer. "We have a whole week Sara. Why don't we do this another time?"
She pulls away and looks me in the eyes with her beautiful brown pools. "I need to do this." 'Now.' Sara doesn't have to say anymore. I understand the word she left out, and I understand why she needs to. She has as much courage as she will ever have right now. If she turns her back and leaves it will begin to rapidly seep away and she will never face her mother.
"Okay." I wrap my arms around her neck and embrace her briefly. I brush my lips against her cheek. Then I grab her hand and lead her to the door. I open it and allow Sara to enter first. I follow closely behind her; stepping into an atmosphere thick with insanity.
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I feel like an intruder, but I refuse to leave Sara's side. She is going to have to pry me off of her if she wants to be alone. She hasn't indicated that she would rather be. We are sitting on one side of a tiny table in a small, empty room. "Sara?" I whisper. The silence is frightening, and I don't want to break it.
"Yeah," she answers back with the same volume.
"You don't want me to leave do you?"
"No…" I can sense she wants to say more. "Cat, I…I need you right now. I need you."
"Okay." I can't suppress my smile. She is being so honest with me. I lean over and pull her into a hug as the door opens. I pull away when a guard and a woman who is unmistakably Sara's mother enter. I lace my fingers with Sara's. She has rapidly gone pale at the sight of her mom, and I am worried.
I face the woman opposite of us. She is glaring at her daughter. The exact look I have received many times from Sara. Sara is her mini-me in almost every way. The differences are her mother is shorter, and appears extremely unhealthy. She is in blue scrubs and has handcuffs around her wrists.
"Well, Sara Sidle has finally decided to grace me with her presence." Sara's features tighten, but she says nothing. "I always knew you felt you were too good for me. For your family. After all that I have done for you, and not even one DAMN VISIT!"
"What have you done for me Laura? Huh?"
"What, you can't even force yourself to call me mom? You worthless piece of shit! I stopped him; I ended it."
"For yourself." Sara's grip on my hand is threatening to break it. I use my other hand to rub her arm, and she loosens her hold on my hand. Laura's eyes flicker over to me. She rapidly examines me as if she just realized I am here. "Who the fuck are you?"
"Catherine Willows." I reply attempting not to show my increasing hatred for this woman.
"Ahhhh I get it." She returns her gaze to Sara. "Not only do you believe you are better than me. I've always hated you for that by the way. You have always been worthless, and you have always had to be different. You couldn't stand being compared to me, or your father. Now you are a fucking dyke huh? You had to bring you lesbo girlfriend here to flaunt off how different you pretend to be." Her voice is quiet and violent.
I hide my urge to wince at her offensive language. I have never had tolerance for those who chose to discriminate for meaningless reasons. I want to snap back at her. I can tell Sara does too, but we remain silent.
"What? Have nothing to say to mommy dearest? Did I hit a nerve? By the look that your girlfriend is giving me I'd say did."
"Her name is Catherine. You could at least have the decency to acknowledge the small things. I didn't come here to try to impress you, or flaunt off anything no matter how much you want to believe that." Sara's voice is calm. Too calm.
"Yeah right. Well you know what fuck you. Let me tell you this missy. I've been locked in here for God knows how many years, and I have realized something. No matter how fucking EMBARRASSED you are you will NEVER escape me. Know why?" Laura has stood up and is now leaning over the table so that she is face to face with Sara. "You are exactly like me. No matter how hard you try not to be you are just as bad as you lunatic mother who you can't even look at! Deep down you are everything I am. Everything you despise. It's waiting. You cannot rid yourself of it, and one day it will lash out, and you will never be the same. You will become me. You will slowly begin to wither and die a long painful death knowing that you are everything I am. You cannot hide from me forever, because sooner or later I will become a part of you. NEVER, NEVER WILL YOU ESCAPE DEAR OLD MOM WHO IS LOCKED UP IN THE LUNNY BIN! SO YOU BETTER EXCEPT IT YOU WORTHLESS DYKE!" The guards grab Laura and wrestle her to the ground as she attempts to launch herself at Sara. Sara has left my side and has isolated herself in the corner with horror written all over her face.
As Laura continues to struggle to get to Sara she directs her words to me. "YOU BETTER WATCH HER! YOU BETTER! IF YOU HAVE KIDS DON'T LET HER NEAR THEM! SHE WILL HURT THEM! SHE WILL KILL THEM!" The guards begin to remove her from the room, and have to stop to give her a sedative. She goes limp in their arms and they drag her away.
I turn to Sara who is still in the corner. She is as white as a ghost, hugging herself, and shaking her head violently back in forth in protest to her mother's words.
Cautiously I move toward her not wanting to frighten her any more than she has been already. Her eyes are distant. She doesn't notice me as I approach. Carefully I place my hand on her shoulder. "Sara, sweetie?" She jumps at my touch, but I have managed to bring her back into reality. She glances at me. Her expression is wounded; her eyes are pools of pain. "Oh sweetie." I wrap her in my embrace. She continues to hug herself, but I will not let go. "Let's go back to the hotel."
I let go of her and quickly intertwine our fingers. I drag her along behind me until we are out of the building. I lead her to the car and she tries to get into the driver's seat. I grab the keys out of her pocket. "There is no way I am letting you drive Sara." She shrugs, goes around the car, and gets in.
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My attention has been on Sara the entire drive back. I am probably not the safest person to be driving either. To my shock Sara's quiet voice breaks the silence between us. "She was right." I almost go off the road at her words. Before I cause a fatal accident I decide to pull over. I unbuckle and turn my body in Sara's direction.
I caress her cheek. "Sara please look at me." She doesn't move. "Please." Reluctantly she complies with my wishes. "How can you say that? You are the exact opposite of your mother, and you could never, ever, be remotely close to being anything like her. You are loving, sweet, and kind. You wouldn't hurt a fly Sara, and I know that. Everyone knows that. Take it from me hun, no matter what you believe you could never be the type of person your mother is."
She nods, and looks a little more relaxed. I move so I am sitting on the center console facing Sara. Sara who is looking out the window glances at me and understands my offer. She moves between my legs and rests her head on my on my chest. I drape my arms around her, and rest my head on top of hers.
She will be okay. I know she will.
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I pull into a parking space outside of the hotel. I glance over at Sara who fell asleep shortly after I began driving again. This whole day has drained her of her strength, and I wish I could leave her, but she doesn't look comfortable. "Sara." I whisper. I brush her hair out of her face, and tuck it behind her ear.
"Mmmmm?"
"We're at the hotel. You don't look comfortable Why don't you snuggle into your bed?"
"Mmmmmm."
"Please Sar. I don't think I can carry you."
"Mmmmmm."
"Now Sidle. Don't make me tickle you."
"Mmmmmm."
"I'm being serious." I rest my hand on her side.
"Okay," she answers quickly. She barely opens her eyes, but gets out of the car. She is waiting for me so I get out and walk over to her. She drapes her arm around my shoulders for support and buries her face in my neck.
We walk into the lobby, and I think Sara has gone back to sleep, but her legs are still cooperating so I'm not positive.
I stumble out of the elevator with Sara by my side. I manage to find the right room, and open the door as Sara increases the weight she is allowing me to support. I get her into bed, and turn around to turn off the light. Her arms slip around my waist after I turn off the light, and she pulls me on top of her. I let out a quiet squeal as I fall onto her. "Don't leave me… Please," she whispers. I move off of her and snuggle into her side.
"I won't. I promise."
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The warmth leaves my body. I groan; I had just fallen asleep. I was busy alternating between worrying about Sara, and carefully watching to make sure she wasn't having any nightmares. After three hours of her not showing any signs of fear once we got back to the hotel I decided to rest my eyes. That doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon.
I slowly open my eyes, and notice Sara isn't in bed anymore. A breeze reaches me, and I can see her sitting on the balcony. I get up and go into the bathroom unnoticed. My hair is sticking up in every direction so I pull it into a lose ponytail, and quickly brush my teeth to get the foul taste out of my mouth.
I rest my hands on Sara's shoulders and she glances up at me. Even though I am positive she has gotten at least three hours of sleep she looks like she hasn't slept in days. I squeeze her shoulder to regain her attention. Her confused brown pools find me. "How are you doing babe?" She shrugs. I take the seat next to her. "That is a reassuring answer."
I receive a small smile. "I'm better than I was. I was just thinking."
"About what?" I probably know the answer to this, but the question sounded smarter in my head.
"Everything. Mostly how grateful I am that we're friends. I couldn't have done anything I did today without you."
"I think you could have."
"I don't."
"Ahh that's where we disagree. I was happy you let me help."
"Why wouldn't I? You're my best friend." A goofy smile appears on my face. I can't help it. A week ago I was her enemy. Now I'm her best friend. I glance at Sara who is smirking at me.
"What?"
"I was hoping that would make you smile. You hardly ever smile anymore." I don't know what to say. When I think about it she is telling the truth. I focus my attention of the sky. The sun is setting creating hues of purple, red and pink in the sky. They are framing the golden sun.
Sara rests her hand on top of mine. She tangles out fingers. I sigh in content. I could stay like this forever as long as Sara was by my side. "The sunset's beautiful."
"Yeah it is." I get a glimpse of Sara through the corner of my eye. She isn't watching the sunset, she is watching me.
TBC...
