Chapter: One in a Million Kidnappers

A/N: Well, it's been a while. Sorry. But the bullshit continues! I try to update this at least once a month.

Thanks to xela521, ladybrittania7, aishachase97, Valanime, and the guest reviewer for the lovely, lovely reviews. Also thanks to all who have followed or gave the story a favourite. Thanks!

Disclaimer: Only the insane amount of bullshit is mine. Naruto isn't.


Dear Starface,

Have you've ever met a person who irritates you so much, you want send a hoard of seagulls after them…? I've met that person. She even sings like a seagull.

Save me,

Kira


In case anybody is wondering, I'm not dead yet.

…But I certainly wish I was.

I am being driven to madness. The music Jess plays is torture. Torture, I say. She keeps playing it over, and over, and over again. All I can do is sit in my dog crate, curl into a fetal position, cover my ears, and attempt to keep my already crippled sanity in check. She only feeds me carrots. I hate carrots. She shot me in the ass. I hate being shot in the ass. She doesn't tell me shit. I hate not knowing shit.

I hate Jess.

It doesn't help that she knows more about me than I do her. Fate is cruel.

And she's currently right in front of my crate. I can see her black studded boots through the bars. As for where I am, I don't know. The only things I do know are that it's bright and indoors. The concrete wall is pitch black, like Jess's ratchet soul.

"Happy?" Jess mocked. I could hear the smile in her voice.

"Screw off." I grumbled, inching to the back of the crate. "I don't know how long or even why you've kept me here, but it must have been for more than just my company… Just get to the point."

I like to think people are looking for me. Even if we can't be tracked by chakra, there must be some other way.

"No, no. I can't do that." she taunted, treating me as if I was a child, which I think to be unfair. She shouldn't know my ways. I've treated her differently. Besides, I can be mature at times… when needed to. I'm fully aware of my actions. "Surprises are fun. Besides, who else would I have to keep me company…?" Stupid, Jess... Surprises are for the weak.

I smacked myself on the forehead. "Hannah Mon-freaking-tana…?"

"Hannah Montana is amazing. I don't know why you don't like her. Like you and me, she gets the best of both worlds." Gosh darn it. That was a crappy pun.I really don't like this girl.

"I am very much an individualist." Even if I had a twerk off with Naruto before I left…

"If you like her so much, I guess I can leave you in her company for a while…"

"Did you abduct Miley Cyrus too? That would make much more sense. I mean, why kidnap me? What are you going to do? Steal my kidney…?"

"One, Hannah Montana is real. Two, I don't want your petty kidney. I just like having you around." Jess snapped bitterly.

Denial~

I would have rolled my eyes if she could see my face. "Bullshit. You shot me in the ass with a dart gun, while in a dark forest, and stuffed me in a dog crate…"

Jess only scoffed. "It was fun."

"Please kill me and get it over with," I muttered bitterly. "You're obviously a serial killer. Please lie and say my last word was 'yolo'; not endless screams of terror."

My kidnapper snorted. "I don't particularly want you dead. I still need you for a while yet… In the meantime," Jess turned around and a button clicked. The lyrics to 'The Best of Both Worlds' started blaring. "LET'S JAM!"

"NO!"


My time in the dog crate was unfortunately brief. It was unfortunate because being pulled out of a dog crate by a psychopathic forest stalker likely means you're going to die.

"Please don't steal my eyes," I groaned. The comment was more to distract myself than spare my life. I know I'll fight like Hooker Barbie when it comes down to it, but at the same time, I'd rather distract myself from the coming events. "My buddy might need them. Ten bucks says the strippers in Shady Town are after them." And probably more, but let's never in a million years tell Gaara that. He has suffered enough.

"I don't want your petty eyes either." Jess replied in her usual demeaning tone. She's the type of girl that makes you want to go all strict, conservative grandmother… literally. I know someone with a bitch spanker I can steal/borrow.

For the first time in the short unfortunate time I have known her, I've only known a few things about my kidnapper. They all involve her being a meanie and a creep. But when I stretched and finally took a wary look at my captor, who I am now almost certain is going to come at me with a meat cleaver, I have learned nothing new about Jess, the evil Sharpie sniffer.

… Other than her being a complete offense to nature. She remains as expressionless as her tone. Her bobbed hair is obviously dyed her deep shade of Barney purple; I can see her hay-coloured roots. Her stature is similar to my elven one, but its obvious nobody has ever pressured her to gain some muscle mass through rigorous sessions of book sorting. (It's my job, but sometimes people are dreadfully obvious with their intentions.) In terms of muscle, she's Donkey Kong.

… I'm Diddy Kong and I'd better slip away from her grasp before she shanks me with than scary looking syringe she's holding in her other hand. She may be wearing a doctor's coat, but she looks more like a mad scientist with her hollow, green eyes.

"Let's play a game," Jess suggested flatly, keeping a monstrous hold on me as I tried but failed to crush her steel toe boots and push her away. The girl has abs of steel… or I just plain suck. Let's go with she's a freak of nature. "How about Operation…?"


When I awoke, I was on my stomach with my mouth full of sand. My everything hurts. I'm in the giant toaster oven, otherwise known as the desert. My mind is the hazy cyclone of a possible acid trip... not that I have even been on one but I have reason to question pain medication.

Groaning, I rolled onto my stomach and squinted at the harsh sunlight.

I would have been happy if I knew how to get to the nearest civilization. Jess doesn't have a speck of mercy. I'm going to die out here. At least I have the friendly butterflies to keep me company…

Actually, scratch that. Now that I look at them more closely, those are vultures. I'm going to try to live. The thought of being eaten by the circling birds overhead creeps me out too much. They can eat me when I'm too dead to care; not now. I also like to think that people give a damn about whether I live or die, even if I haven't known anybody for an extraordinary amount of time.

So I spat out the sand that has probably sanded off the last of my taste buds, got up, and walked in a random direction. It would be nice to have some water. Maybe that would clear my head…? I kind of need some right now.

I don't know how long I trekked, but what I do know is my sanity gave out before my legs did. But I caught myself before I made any fatal mistakes. For example, when my eyes started to burn, I knew the giant, baby head was actually the sun, and eventually, I realized I was walking in circles and changed my route.

The struggle continued and I was losing. It took me longer and longer to catch myself.

…Until I saw the Guardian of Sexiness bathed in light. He even sparkled like Edward from Twilight; shinning bright like a diamond.

When I saw him in his toga, I knew his body was ready for my very enthusiastic bear hug. I was saved. It had to be him. Every detail was perfect. He even looked horrified when I started stumbling towards him like a rabid stripper. I hit him at full speed, expecting him to fall over, or if he was lucky, sidestep me. That didn't happen, because as realistic as he looked, and as much as I wanted it to be him, he was only an illusion.


A nudge lifted me from precious sleep. I ignored the feeling. For the last time, Jess, I don't want to sing 'True Friends' with you. I hate your guts, you crazy psychopath.

My living alarm clock was feeling impatient and gave a couple snaps of her fingers. The steady beeping in the air wouldn't stop either. It was too annoying.

I reacted impulsively, "Damn it, Jess!"

"Who's Jess?" a voice asked, seemingly confused.

Wait… That isn't Jess's voice.

I attempted to sit up and fling myself at my savior. If I missed, I would throw myself at the nearest object and cry like a Disney Princess. But an arm stopped me from getting even an inch off the bed.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

I whirled my head to the right. "Temari…?"

The said girl gave me a soft smile. She was sitting on a chair next to my newly discovered hospital bed. "Yeah, it's me. You've got some explaining to do. How you managed to vanish and end up in the middle of the desert is beyond me."

"Where's Jess? She knows more than I do. She's the one that kidnapped and dumped me in the desert."

"Oh, so that's Jess… We don't have her. At least now we know who to go after."

I sighed and sunk into my pillow. "What the hell did Jess do to me anyways…? Please don't tell me she stole my kidney. I've been informed of the eyes sold on the black market."

"Ah… not quite."

"Oh, shit!" I exclaimed in horror. "What is it? Please be merciful and tell me. I'm going to guilt trip you and say I literally know nothing about myself, so it's downright cruel not to tell me."

Temari seemed to question my intelligence because she frowned. "Guilt tripping doesn't work if you tell someone you're guilt tripping them."

"Yeah, but don't you feel kind of guilty? I really want to know." Or I don't want to know… I figure it's better to ask when I get up the nerve. I have to know what Jess

It was Temari's turn to sigh. "Somebody operated on your wrist," I held my wrists up, discovering both a needle which is on the verge of giving me a panic attack and a tightly wrapped bandage going from my elbow all the way to the palm of my hand. "The problem was fixed, but there's another…"

"Did she steal my eyes?!" I interrupted, unable to hold back my terror.

"No, she stole your appendix."

I couldn't respond. All I could do was stare at her with pure horror, my jaw attempting to pull a Kirby and swallow the world, as I slowly turned onto my stomach, screaming curses into my pillow; a lame escape from the horrid truth.

"Don't freak out. Maybe your appendix burst…?" Temari asked when I settled. "She didn't seem to want you dead. Jess left you a short distance away from Suna… Actually, most of your injuries resulted from you jumping a cactus…"

Jess, the evil sharpie sniffer has played 'Operation' on my body.

Great.

She just hits my funny bone… that little good for nothing, Sharpie sniffing, forest stalking, mutant with a scalpel. I hate her more than rocks.

"Hey, it's alright." Temari made an awkward attempt at comforting me. "You don't need your appendix anyway."

I slowly turned my head so I faced her. "She'd better have put Humpty back together again."

Temari rolled her eyes. "I'm letting this one slide, considering you ran into a cactus."

"I what!?"

"You literally hugged a cactus at full speed," Temari replied, both baffled and amused. "And you did it with a smile on your face. We had to tranquilize you to get you to let go."

I then remembered my last vision in the desert; the Guardian of Sexiness, otherwise known as Gaara had appeared. But it's not like I can tell Temari that I hugged a cactus because I thought it was her brother dressed up like a sexy guardian. "It's not my fault people keep giving me too many pain meds." I lied, giving her my best poker face.

"Thanks to them, you're not withering in pain." Temari lectured. She's right of course. I couldn't keep my poker face. As much as I hate hospitals and everything about them, I know my grudge is unjustified. I'm just being an asshole.

"Yeah, that would suck." But it also sucks when I do crazy things like run into Prick's cousin thrice removed. "By the way… Where are Gaara and Kankuro? I'm overjoyed to see you. I'm just curious."

Temari smirked, "Same here. Gaara and Kankuro should be here soon. They said something about a surprise."

"They know I hate surprises..." I grumbled, frowning.

"You're such a child." Temari stated in all seriousness.

"I'm a cool kid." I corrected plainly while tugging on my I.V. It's such a silly thing at this moment. I'm up. As far as I know, I don't need the thing.

Temari successfully pried my hand away. "If you say so…"

"Of course I say so," I scoffed with a playful undertone. "I'm the only alien you know."

The door to my hospital room flung open, revealing the real Guardian of Sexiness and his sidekick, Kanky the Clown. This time, I'm positive I'm not high on pain medication.

My face lit up. "Hey guys, guess who just snapped out of a possible coma?!"

Gaara, while clearly happy to see me, his dear, lovely friend, was very obviously unamused with my exclamation. His small smile at my waking diminished with my words. "I don't see how that's something to be proud about…"

Temari slapped my hand away from the I.V. again, before muttering, "It wasn't even a coma…"

"It wouldn't be the first time someone has dropped her." Kankuro jabbed, placing the 'It's a girl' balloon in the corner. It bobbed in the corner, giving me the childish urge to play with it. Of course, I knew there was no way I could ninja my way out of bed. Temari was watching me like a hawk.

"Ouch," I said, putting my hands over my head in surrender and closing my eyes. "If anyone forgot, I've admitted my insanity." I lowered my hands. "Please tell me they serve pudding in the asylum I'm going to. I love pudding."

"You're not insane," Gaara assured, as he took his seat in the red, pleated armchair by the door. He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "You're just incredibly different."

To my horror, the heart monitor had a small spaz. Please ignore it… please…

"I think that's a synonym for insane." Kankuro snorted.

"You're clearly wrong." Gaara rebuked darkly.

"Okay…then." Kankuro replied uneasily, before coming up with a decent way to save face. "Hey Kira, do you want some pudding? I saw some in the hospital's cafeteria."

"Yeah," I replied, finally starting to notice my hunger. "Thanks."

The door closed behind him, leaving three people and an awkward silence.

It didn't race, but my nervousness wouldn't allow it to be normal. "Thank you, Gaara," His comment was sweet, even though he didn't catch my intentions. "I always appreciate it."

His response was just as awkward as the feeling in the air, "It's no problem…"

"Yeah… um, so what's been going on during my abduction…?" I asked, changing the subject.

"When we realized you were missing, we searched the surrounding area for a week. You were, as I told you, found a short distance outside Suna. You were in the hospital when we returned yesterday." Gaara answered.

"We even checked the shady-as-fuck place…" he stated, unamused. He left me wondering whether or not it drove him to the point of barricading his office this time. Kankuro said he had to convince Gaara not to do it when he got back. Apparently Gaara has stalkers… The strippers resembled them. There may be no stopping him now. Though, I can't blame him. It is terrifying.

So I held nothing but sympathy, "I'm sorry I put you through that hell hole."

"I didn't mind," he started, before his eyes widened at his words. They had no doubt come out wrong. There was no way Gaara enjoyed a visit to that place. No way. "Please disregard my… previous words. I meant to say I didn't mind going there if it meant your safety."

I returned my gaze to my lap and attempted to calm my increasing heartbeat. This time, it was not Temari who stopped me from yanking the I.V. out, but Gaara. In my haze, Temari had slunk out of the room unnoticed by me, likely with her ninja skills. For all I know, she could have sprung out the window, somehow not breaking a limb. Traitor.

"Ah… where has Temari run off to?" I questioned, briefly looking up to meet his steady gaze. He had taken Temari's seat by my bedside.

"She has been keeping an eye on you," he informed. "I was going to, but there were duties I had to attend to. Temari likely went off to rest."

"That's sweet of you guys to be concerned about me. I'll thank Temari when I see her again." I decided, already trying to think of what Temari may want for dinner one night. Not that I'm the best cook, but it's my job and the least I can do to return her kindness.

"We were all very concerned about you. In all seriousness, we don't know if anyone is after you… or why."

"Jess might." I told my unfortunate story, not leaving out any detail of my kidnapping. "It's hard to believe. I know. I don't even understand it myself."

Gaara listened intently. He took me seriously… I think. At least he didn't call me a liar. The truth itself seems like a poorly developed lie. But if Gaara thought so, he spoke without any indication, "I believe you. But not Jess's motives… They make no sense."

That statement pretty much sums up my life.

"I don't understand it either, but that's what happened." I sighed, poking the I.V. once again. The thing is annoying. If it hadn't been there for so long, I would've flipped.

"Kira, stop." Gaara ordered.

I pouted at him, "Stop what?"

"Stop trying to take out the I.V.," Gaara explained, lifting my limp hand away from it and placing it to my side.

I gave in, "…Okay. Sorry, I must seem like such a child… Needles make me uneasy." They remind me of unpleasant things, most recently, Jess Barney. Barney; that's her last name… I think. It matches her hair. But then I suppose it could also be an unfortunate nickname given to her by some clever asshole… or a figment of my vivid imagination. I may be that clever asshole.

"I promise you'll be out soon," Gaara assured.

I beamed, "Want to hug on it…?"

"You'll get out of bed if I don't." He knows me well.

I got my well-deserved hug, though it was a bit more awkward than usual with my being in a hospital bed with limited mobility.

"Kira…" Gaara spoke, seemingly unsure.

"Hmm…?" I murmured as we pulled apart.

He suddenly had an interest in the squeaky clean hospital tiles, "I feel the same way."

I looked at him curiously from my prison, "About what…?"

"You." He clarified, still not meeting my eyes.

"What?" I blurted, horrified as the heart monitor started to beep menacingly, increasing as I dwelled on his words.

"You," he repeated, before meeting my panicky gaze with a concerned glance. "…Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm dying!" I exclaimed dramatically, a maniacal grin on my face. I felt like bawling from both my embarrassment at my nonverbal reciprocation of feeling and my profound joy at them being reciprocated.

"I'm hitting the call button just in case." Gaara threatened.

"Ah… ha-ha…" I murmured nervously. "Don't worry. They'll just think we're bored."

"I'm hitting the call button," Gaara repeated, promptly pressing the 'no-no' button before steadily meeting my bashful gaze. "And why would they think we're bored?"

I smiled shyly, but felt no need to hide my creeping blush. The all-knowing heart monitor says all. "Because hospitals are hell holes with the exception of today… Today is wonderful."

He returned my soft smile. "Today is quite wonderful."

Before the steady pacing of nurses could reach my door, I fiddled with my I.V, making extra sure not to rip it out. One goal at a time…

"Kira…" Gaara warned, as he placed my hand, the one closest to him away from the I.V. snared one. He was no doubt becoming fed up with my childishness. I try to contain it, but it's like I said; my goal this time isn't to take out the disturbing I.V. in my left arm.

I gave him a sincere smile and took his hand in mine.

We stayed that way for a few peaceful seconds, regarding each other in complete disbelief. Him for a reason I don't know why. He thought I was speaking seriously however many days ago. His actions prove that much. Perhaps he hasn't been in all that many relationships? I know I haven't. I didn't know I had it in me to be so bold, so I suppose it's fortunate that he was the one to confess first.

…Well I kind of did. Let's let people believe that fact. My words were true, even if they were spoken in a carefree manner. I do fucking love Gaara. Let's leave the mush to Shakespeare. I'm already turning into a mush monster.

Kankuro hurried up with the pudding, squeezing in after the file of serious looking nurses. A knowing smile appeared on his face when he noticed my ecstatic state. He placed the tray on my lap with a "Surprise."

For once, I thought surprises might not be so bad… But forget that. They are. I'm just willing to make an exception this time.


A/N: A lot happened in this chapter. I think it's safe to say Gaara had some help. Originally, I thought it would be Kira who would do the confessing, but then I realized as the story continued that Kira had become too scared of rejection. She wouldn't want to ruin the relationships she thinks she's lucky enough to have. She's very much aware that she doesn't belong in the Naruto world. And I think with her amnesia, she'd be even more conflicted. I hope that clarifies everything. Their relationship should progress slowly. Neither of them actually knows what they're doing. It will be fun. I promise.

Reviews are love. :3