.
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
~Robert Frost
Chapter 11- Nothing Gold Can Stay
It was 10:04pm when Sam finally returned.
I was sitting cross-legged in front of the fire with Haleigh sound asleep in my lap, clutching my watch tightly in my hands when the door slammed open. Sam was there, clomping down the stairs with a rifle slung over his shoulder, and I was about to heave a sigh of relief before I saw the stone cold expression on his face and the blood smeared on his clothes.
Haleigh was already awake, cowering slightly under her covers, her head sliding off of my knee as I jumped up, running to Sam's side, asking what happened. He didn't even look over at me when he huffed out "Bear," tossing the gun on the table, knocking a book onto the floor with a loud thump!, striding off into the bathroom without a second glance.
The watch fell from my hand, cracking on the floor as he slammed to door shut. It had been four and a half hours since I found it, desperate for any kind of solace on his whereabouts, digging it from a dresser drawer where I had shoved it and hoped to forget about it long ago. That was the first time I had looked at the time in months. Nine months, to be exact. Nine months and thirteen days since the beginning of the end. Nine months and thirteen days since I released the Darkness and unleashed an unrelenting apocalypse. Nine months and thirteen days since the world turned off and plunged us into a never ending nightmare. Nine months and thirteen days since I finally began to lose hope.
I threw the watch in the fire after that and watched it burn.
Sam walked out of the bathroom a new man. I sat at the library table for the hour he was in there, just waiting. He stepped out like he was never gone in the first place. No blood, no bitch face, no scratching. Nothing. Nothing but normal 'ol Sam.
Maybe I was the one going crazy.
He furrowed his brow at me when he saw me staring, strolling around to the other side of the table and taking a cautious seat.
"What?" He asked with a tilt of his head, his voice low so not to wake up a sleeping Haleigh just a few feet away.
I finally looked away, face growing warm at my needless worry. Helicopter parent much? Sighing, I pressed my fingers into my eyes, shoulders slumping. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was like how scientists said people went insane when they weren't exposed to the sun's daily cycle. Maybe it was the Darkness sickness finally taking me over and slowly dissolving my brain as we spoke.
"Nothing. Just tired." I kept my eyes closed, shaking my head minutely.
"Where's Cas? Still off brooding?"
I looked up to see him looking at me with barely masked concern. I couldn't help but notice the way his thin fingers twitched unnervingly as he knotted them together on top of the table. I thought I saw blood crusted under his fingernails. My pounding headache told me otherwise. Maybe I really was sick.
"Uh, yeah, I guess he is."
"Man, you really need to go find him. Call out to him or something. Say sorry at least. We need him back here." There was a pause as I let out a sigh. He looked down at his hands sympathetically. "I know you don't agree with him, but you really just have to let him be. He just needs something to hope-"
I shoved back my chair and stood up. "Yeah, man, I know. Blah blah blah first Amendment rights blah blah freedom of religion. Grade school stuff." My hands found their way to a bottle of whiskey and a tumbler before I had even realized where my feet had led me. The cold glass was bitter on my bare fingers, the sound of the bottle chinking against the other bottles as I set it down a break to the silence as Sam took his turn to sigh. I could feel his worried stare burning into the back of my head. Maybe he was just as paranoid as I was. Maybe we were all going crazy.
"Dean, you just need to say sorry. There's no need to fight over this kind of stuff at a time like this. What we do need is to work together to find a solution to the problem."
God, it was the middle of the apocalypse and Sam still had to be the reasonable one.
"Yeah, yeah, sure. I don't need you being my shrink during the damn end of the world." I took a drink, staring into the fireplace at the end of the table. "I'll call him some other time."
Silence engulfed the room again, and I could hear the snapping of the firewood and Haleigh's light snores. I downed the rest of the whisky in one gulp and placed the glass down on the table, turning around to say something else, but I stopped when could have sworn I saw Sam's whole face twitch. It looked like some grotesque opera mask, so quick that I could have just imagined it, but it was the confused look he gave me afterward that made my stomach drop, like it had never happened.
"What?" He asked again, eyebrows furrowing and eyes narrowing.
"Oh, uh, did you find some dinner for us out there?"
His head cocked to the side, a frown forming on his forehead. "Uh, no. I didn't find anything. I told you."
I leaned on the table, beginning to feel slightly lightheaded. "Dude, you were covered in blood. All you said was 'Bear' before you hid in the bathroom for a hour."
"Dean, I don't know what you're talking about-"
It was at that moment that Haleigh snapped up from the mattress screaming at the top her lungs.
I hefted the bag over my shoulder, shot gun tucked under my arm, and shut the door behind me. A sigh of relief slipped past my lips as I peered apprehensively into the black pit that dropped sharply off the edge of the front stoop. With the flip of a switch my path was lit with a ring of yellowed light, highlighting the never-ending desert that laid beyond our front doorstep. My boots scraped along the ground, kicking up puffs of dirt, the knives in my backpack rattling with each hurried step.
I had to get out.
I had to get out of there. I had to get away from the twitching and the screaming and the scratching. I had to get away from the voices and the footsteps and the shadows. I had to get away from the looks and the worry and the blood. I needed to be alone.
The moment I got past the tree line I collapsed to the ground.
Knees smashing into a tree root, I shed all of my gear, hands shaking uncontrollably as I ran them down my face, letting out a choked sob.
"Cas, please. Please come back. We need you." I fell back against the tree, burning eyes turning to the sky, blocked by gnarled tree branches and crawling shadows. I couldn't help but remember the perverting touch of the sunlight on my fingers that day so many months ago, the ethereal halo of perfectly blue sky swept away by a madness once so inhumane, that now was left prickling under my skin like crawling bugs, wishing to be released. I couldn't help but wish for that warmth back, fingertips still feeling heavy with its kiss. I blinked up at the black sky peeking through skeletal branches, tears swelling in the corners of my eyes, just wishing that I could look up and see the sun one last time, one last time before everything came crashing down in a cacophony of silence and the dust settled to reveal nothing left but the Darkness and the world it created.
A single tear escaped and slid quietly down my cheek. "God, please help us."
My hands were empty and weary with fatigue as I stomped up the steps. Nothing was to be found in the woods. Everything had withered and died long ago, the Darkness weaving its poison into the earth and starving every living thing around. It wasn't long until we would end up with the same fate.
My whole body felt heavy. My eyelids weren't even strong enough to fight the pull, leaving me blindly fumbling my way to the door, feet dragging along the ground, arms feeling full of lead as I fingered the doorknob, struggling to turn it. I was so ready to just pass out but I knew there was no chance of sleep. My stomach roared as I finally pushed the door open, stomach cramping to the point where I couldn't stand up straight. No food to starve off sleep, no sleep to starve off hunger. Hopes of making it through each new night were dwindling fast.
I set my gear down by the door, guilt growing deeper the farther I made my way into the bunker. Haleigh was hungry. I had been giving all my food to her to discourage that. But now we were left with no food at all and I was running out of options.
I was halfway down the steps when I had to stop and listen. I could had sworn I heard something over the clanking of my shoes on the rattling stairs. When I paused, I was sure of it. Something shrill and grating. Something muffled and far away but coming closer and closer until it was ringing in my ears at full blast and I was bounding down the steps because my daze had cleared and I had finally realized what was going on.
I clamored on hands and knees to the edge of the table, mind racing with possibilities as I discovered Haleigh cowering under the table between a cluster of scattered chairs, red faced and screaming at the top of her lungs.
It was absolute hysterics. I was calling out her name and she was screaming louder and louder. I was reaching out for her and she was crawling farther away. I was dragging her from under the table and wrapping her in my arms and she was kicking and clawing at me desperately. She was already out of my grasp and fleeing for the kitchen before I realized what I had done, kneeling in the middle of the library with my dirty palms turned up in my lap, utterly broken.
It wasn't until I heard a loud crash did I finally scrape up all my pieces hurriedly and bolt towards the back of the bunker.
Haleigh's cries grew quieter as I made my way blindly through the labyrinthine hallways, speeding around corners and tripping over rug ends with each panicked breath.
With each door I passed, the deep feeling of dread in my stomach grew heavier, heart beating harder and feet only moving faster as I searched for the source of the noise. The slam of doors on walls rang throughout the bunker as I plunged deeper and deeper into the cold extremities of our home. Each room turned up so empty but so full to the brim with shadows and silence. No sign of the noise that had set my heart beating in my ears like a drum roll leading to the big reveal. No relief for the scream that was building up to a crescendo in my chest, ready to bust right through my ribs. No stopping to the voice in my head telling me this was the time I finally wouldn't be able to pick up all the pieces and glue them back together again.
I ran. I ran until couldn't anymore and stumbled onto my hands and knees and fell to the ground grasping my head in a fit of hysteria rocking back and forth until the silence finally caught up with me and clamped its icy hand over my mouth, smothering me with its unfathomable weight as it steamrolled over me.
And I laid there on the musty oriental rug, face pressed into its frayed edges as sticky tears danced their way across my cheeks and down my nose; chest heaving with muffled sobs as I listened to Haleigh's distant screams echoing through the halls and just begged for everything to end. End so I could finally escape this cage with its walls covered in blood and sharp spikes made of maddening screams. End so I could finally break free from the heavy chains of Darkness and fly away free into the light.
In that moment, I truly felt that that was the end. As I closed my eyes, I prayed and prayed to any soul that could hear me to let me pass on, to let me move on into the light, to hopefully live in the heaven I had seen with my own eyes, so warm and welcoming, full of all those I had outlived, who I had let die, who deserved heaven far more than my sinful ass ever would. I could feel the world fading, nose pressed to the floor and mouth spitting hysterical prayers to a nonexistent saviour. The pain in my body slowly dulled, Haleigh's screams sounding more and more distant. The peace that overcame me was a calm I hadn't felt in years, something I had completely forgotten about in the manic months following the release of the darkness. I felt warm.
I knew I was someplace better.
That's why, when I opened my eyes, I expected to see a bright light, like they described in the movies, something I had never experienced myself, but always dreamed about.
All I saw was the dark outline of the door across the hall.
. . .And the golden light of a candle crawling out from underneath.
All prayers were forgotten. Before I knew it, I was opening the door, and everything came bleeding back.
I stood still next to the candle, having fallen and rolled in front of the door. The flame was just centimeters away from the toe of my boot. Haleigh's screams were louder than ever. They pierced the deafening silence and left my ears ringing like cold found its way back under my clothes and traced its fingers down my spine, making me shiver as I fell to the ground once again, scrambling on hands and knees through the puddles of blood, releasing the breath I had been holding in disbelief in a wracking sob as I made my way towards the contorted form of Sam hiding in the corner.
When I put my hand on his shoulder, he didn't even flinch. When I shook it weakly, he never took notice. He was trembling, mumbling under his breath something I couldn't understand. His head was pressed into the corner, clothes covered in blood, so much blood. I could barely see through the tears as I screamed his name, inaudible, hands clamping around his tensed arm with all the strength I could muster, swinging him around to face me.
He didn't even look up at me. He was too focused the bloody horror that was his forearms held before him.
If I had had any food in my stomach I would have thrown up right there.
For a moment I was too stunned to do anything. Eyes stuck on the sight of his hands gloved in red, fingers digging into the gaping wounds from elbow to wrist, blood flowing like rivers, chunks of muscle and tissue gone, leaving holes in his skin too deep to see into in the dim light.
"Sam. . ." was all I could say as I reached forward to pull his fingers out of his arm.
The moment my fingers wrapped around his, I was thrown backward. My head slammed against a metal shelf hidden in the shadows, and I watched in horror as Sam rose up from the darkness, shaking madly as he bared his dripping fists at his sides, staring down at me with a ravaged look, eyes so dilated that there was nothing left but black.
"No, Dean." His voice was a hoarse whisper, like he had been screaming for hours. "Bugs. The bugs. I have to get the bugs out. They are crawling around in my skin, Dean. I have to get them out." He tumbled to his knees in front of me, hands clamping around my collar and yanking me forward so we were nose to nose.
"I can feel them in my brain, Dean." His quivering voice thickened, eyes glistening. "I have to get them out."
I had never seen anything more terrifying in my life. Bloodshot eyes so wide I swear they would have fallen out of his head if he leaned forward another inch. Spit dribbling from the corners of his babbling mouth, lips and eyebrows twitching uncontrollably as if he was unable to settle on one expression, cheeks speckled with blood like freckles. Voice moving up and down like a seesaw in an earthquake. Fingers on my neck so wet and warm; I could feel his blood dripping slowly down my back. Completely insane.
He gave me a hard shake. "I can't get them out, Dean!" he sobbed. His eyes finally broke contact with mine as he looked sorrowfully down at his arms. "They itch so much. I can't get them out."
"Sam-"
I was thrown against the shelf again.
"No! No, Dean! You don't understand!" He stumbled to his feet, swaying and chest heaving. "I have to get them out!" He bared his arms at me, blood steadily dripping onto the cold tile. His voice broke as he spoke again, face crumbling. "I have to."
Head spinning, I put my hands out in defense, noticing the blood smeared on them as I took a deep breath to quell my anxious nerves. "Sam, it's okay."
He shook his head minutely, rocking back and forth on his feet, fingers finding their way to his forearms once again.
"Sam, stop. Everything will be okay. Just calm down-" I was stopped in my attempt to stand up by large hands plowing me down again, sending me tumbling into another shelf, bringing it down with me.
"No!" I heard over the crash of the shelf as it toppled on top of me. "NO!" He was almost screeching now. "GET THEM OUT! GET THEM OUT! GET THEM OUT-"
Feeling my ankle crack as I dragged myself out from under the shelf, I stumbled up and charged forward, decking him in the jaw, sending him plummeting to the ground like a fallen skyscraper, landing with a sickening thunk!
Not a moment later I was right next to him, collapsing to my knees with one last heave, my probably twisted broken unable to hold my weary body up any longer. I gathered his limp body up into my arms, grasping his ravaged wrists in my hands, unable to look away, unable to move to do anything else.
And as I held him in my arms, I didn't cry. I didn't call out for Cas to come save us. I didn't go get the first aid kit and attempt to sew up what was left of his arms. I didn't go search through the bunker and find Haleigh. I didn't get a mop and start cleaning up the mess.
I just looked up to the ceiling, gently brushing the hair back from Sam's forehead.
"God, I hope you're happy."
Hello again everybody! I don't even know how long it has been since I last updated. You know how I said I would update more unless I let my life fall apart? Well guess what I did? Yep, you guessed right. I let my life break into a million pieces and fall through my fingers, and then I just stood and stared at them on the ground for a while until yesterday when I realized what a piece of shit I was being and finally picked them up. I am going to be writing more often, hopefully, if I don't go spiraling into numb madness once again. Hopefully next year will be better, with the new Star Wars movie and the third season of Young Justice.
I actually like the way this chapter turned out. I told you it was going to get worse. I just hope you all don't freak out if I tell you its going to get EVEN WORSE. Yep. Better prepare yourselves, because this shitshow is about to get a whole lot shitter.
Remember that reviews are like memes. I don't really understand what they are but I appreciate them because they make my life a whole lot better.
