Fragile Lives

Chapter 11

John took another lungful of fresh air and relaxed back in the provided chair as best he could. It had been kind of encouraging to be able to hobble outside with a nurse's help and sit in sun for a while after being cooped up inside for a further four days until the lingering fever had finally left his body. Carson had been right as being out of his bed did make him feel a tic better. Even though his skin outbreaks still plagued him and caused him some pain, the doctor had reassured him that he was doing great. At least physically.

Most of the staff had moved back to Atlantis by now. However, John felt he wasn't ready to face going back home, at least not just yet. He wasn't prepared for the sympathetic looks and no doubt the fervent welcome, which he knew was a real possibility. Even after three whole years, John still cringed whenever he recalled his return from Koyla's imprisonment and subsequent Wraith feeding. It had been an overenthusiastic welcome that had overwhelmed him to the point where he had escaped to the far side of the city for several hours until his team had come looking for him. John knew he wasn't at all ready for anything like that both physically and most definitely not mentally.

In fact, he felt kind of empty at the present time. Lost in a sea of nightmare memories, of the awful imagines that had plagued his fevered mind during his illness. That and other things only added to his feeling of total dejected. He knew he shouldn't feel like that because well…he had survived to fight another day. Carson had stated that it was probably due to the after effects of the virus, a bit like after a really bad bout of flu. John felt terrible about it as he really should be very grateful for his recovery. He was, but it was difficult to feel truly motivated when feeling so despondent. Hopefully, Carson was right and the bloody virus was to blame. At least John hoped so as he didn't want to have to deal with a full blow depression and all that entailed.

He'd never suffered from one personally even after the horrors of Afghanistan. He'd always been able to tuck the terror he'd witnessed or been subjected to into the back of his mind, which probably wasn't the healthiest thing to do. During his college years, a close friend at Stanford had suffered badly and despite all their efforts, the guy had ended up killing himself. John still shuddered at the memory of finding his friend's still and lifeless body after an overdose of drugs and alcohol. A recollection suddenly surfaced. Hadn't he tried to do the same thing? Tried to end his suffering by taking Ronon's gun? What must his team think of him for trying that? It was so out of character as he usually looked at things in the most optimistic way.

After that recall, John slumped further down into the chair feeling more and more despondent as other thoughts raced through his mind. Thoughts that made him feel so remorseful. Because of his reluctance to go home, a small team had been forced to wait it out with him on Calabria. Wait until he was able to face the world again. Of course his team were still here, minus Rodney. John had been more than a little upset when he'd learnt that Rodney and Jennifer had postponed their wedding and all because of him. That knowledge only added to his feeling of guilt and despair even though they had reassured him it wasn't his fault. Nevertheless, he had insisted that they return to Atlantis and rearrange their wedding. Reluctantly they had done as he had wished.

The only bright spot in the last few days was the fact that Teyla had been reunited with her son when Amiera had brought him to the planet. Torren John had immediately taken to Beth and the two of them had played nonstop ever since. Now with the wedding arranged for just three weeks away, John was determined to make it back by then. Hence his desire to get as much sun and fresh air as he could, hoping that it would drive away his very gloomy outlook on life.

A kiss on the cheek brought him out of his self recrimination. John looked up to see Teyla smiling down at him. She had both children by the hand. "Torren and Beth wish to play outside. Could you keep an eye on them until I have done some much needed washing of their clothes? That is if you are feeling well enough?"

John reluctantly nodded. He knew this was Teyla's ploy to try and get him more interested in the things around him. The children had helped a little as they both liked to cuddle into him, but he'd had to control that due to the pain whenever a healing sore was accidently knocked or pressed too hard. "How long will you be?" he asked in a voice that sounded forlornly pathetic even to him.

Teyla chose to ignore it. "Just thirty minutes or so. I would have asked Ronon to keep an eye on them but he is off hunting for some creature he saw near here. I believe Carson said it looked a little like a rabbit. If so Carson said it would taste very nice when cooked over an open fire."

"Yeah…okay but…."

"I know you do not have an appetite yet. I am sure it will return with time." Teyla looked down at the children. "Please be good for Colonel Sheppard and no running off as he cannot run after you." The children promised with vigorous head nods as Teyla turned to leave. She looked at his slumped figure, more than a bit concerned by John's lack of interest and appetite. Physically, he certainly looked a slightly better as his face had more colour and the dark circles around his eyes had faded a little. He was also cleanly shaven making him seem younger in appearance. Getting better in body thankfully but what about his mind? Teyla pushed that disturbing thought aside and prayed that it was only a temporary thing as John had never shown depression before.

Twenty minutes later, Teyla was busy hanging up the freshly laundered children's clothing on the line that Ronon had set up between the tents, when Carson joined her. "You know there was no need for you to do that as one of the nurses could have done it for you."

"I wish to help and…," Teyla turned to look in John's direction. "I believe John needs something to take his mind off things now he is feeling a little better, so he is watching the children while they play."

"Aye that might help I suppose. I've just got the lab report back and I believe the Colonel's melancholy is mainly due to an imbalance. That bloody illness certainly worked a number on him and now his brain chemistry is all out of sync, so I'll be starting him on a vitamin and nutrient rich diet as soon as possible. Hopefully that will sort things out."

Teyla looked pleased. However, she foresaw one problem. "He has no appetite at the moment, so it is going to be difficult to get anything down him."

Carson smiled at her. "Oh don't worry about that. He has to drink something, so I'll make up a delicious fruit concoction with all that he needs."

oOo

Of course for John things were never that easy. Although Carson's healthy cocktail may help him eventually, John still felt like bawling his eyes out over the slightest little thing. He was to find that out the hard way when Ronon joined him outside the shelter a few days later.

Despite having a softer side to his nature, sometimes Ronon could be totally insensitive and unsympathetic. His failure to understand made him act too impulsively at times. The female Wraith Ellia being a prime example. His reaction towards her may have helped drive her to take the untested retrovirus before it was ready, as she had desperately wanted to be human like the man she had called father. But that was the way Ronon lived. To him life as a warrior was clean cut, you did battle and aimed to overcome your enemy. You remained tough and never showed weaknesses of any kind. That philosophy also applied to illness and injuries. Consequently, he never liked people showing sympathy or mollycoddling him whenever he was injured or laid up. And although he had been through many difficult situations both fighting the Wraith and as a runner, he had never let his emotions get on top of him. Ronon had also come to admire that quality in Sheppard, so this shell of an emotional wreck was something new to him and totally unacceptable in his opinion.

When John refused to get up out of the chair he was languishing in and take a short walk with him, Ronon put his hands on the chair's armrests and glared down at his friend. "Why don't you snap out of it!?" he growled. "Stop acting like a depressed weakling. Feeling sorry for yourself won't help at all. I know you've been desperately ill but the docs say you're getting better now. So get over it already and behave like the warrior and leader you're supposed to be."

John took one look at the Satedan and saw raw disapproval on the man's face. That hurt more than anything. It set John off even more. Despite his best intentions to just ignore his friend or react like Ronon wanted him to, John did the absolute opposite and simply burst into tears. Ronon was shocked beyond words. Never in a million years did he expect that reaction from a man he considered a worthy warrior. Being hopeless in such matters, Ronon didn't know what to do or how to react as John covered his face and wept genuine tears. Ronon quickly straightened and backed off, not saying a thing. Suddenly feeling like a complete jerk.

John quietened down eventually, at least enough to speak out. "You have no idea how I feel so what rights have you to tell me to snap out of it. Wish I could but…" John suddenly swiped his hand over his eyes and got up. "Just leave me the hell alone." With that he went back into the shelter to lie down.

Ronon kicked the chair away in frustration knowing that he had probably just made matters ten times worse. And worst of all, it could have put an irreparable barrier between them. It was no good trying to talk to John at the moment, so he simple went for a run to blow off stream.

Ten minutes later, Teyla found John curled up on his bed. She had just put the children down for a nap in her tent and knew nothing about the incident with Ronon, so she had no idea why John should be quietly sobbing into his pillow. It also shocked her as she had only seen John cry once before and that had been during the illness when the pain had been totally unbearable. Despite living through a great deal of trauma and tragic loss through the years since she had known him, he had never had such an emotional breakdown before. It was heartbreaking to witness.

Like Ronon she didn't really know how to comfort him, yet she couldn't just leave him like this. On impulse she gently wrapped her arms around him and began to sing a soft melodic song that spoke of life and the joys of living. She sang a few verses before he began to calm down. When she finished the song, he turned over and buried his face into her neck.

A few hiccups followed until he found his voice, total embarrassment clouded his words. "Sorry about that. Just couldn't stop the waterworks. I think it would have been better if I'd…"

Teyla interrupted as she didn't want to hear the rest, even though she had a good idea what he was about to say. "John Sheppard, never be ashamed of surviving. I am sure this feeling of hopelessness stems from the imbalance Carson spoke of and eventually it will pass. We are all here for you. Do not forget that."

His next words were whispered so softly that Teyla had trouble hearing him. "Ronon thinks I've become weak and I should have pulled myself together by now. I guess I've lost his respect." His voice hitched as another shuddering hic escaped his lips. "Why should he respect me? I burst into tears in front of him."

Teyla felt furious at Ronon. Sometimes he could be such a thoughtless idiot and she had every intention of telling him so. She lifted John's head to look at her. "Ronon had no right to judge your feelings. He was not the one to suffer greatly and nearly die from this terrible illness. You have not been weakened by it. In fact, the opposite is true. You had the strength and willpower to fight and live despite the terrible pain and suffering. Do not forget that, John." She gave him a quick kiss on his cheek before continuing. "I am sure as soon as you are one hundred percent better, things will get back to normal and Ronon will see the error of his words."

Another tear fell as John shuddered. "I hope you're right." He should have been delighted that she had kissed him again but somehow it didn't thrill him like it should have. He gave one last shudder and closed his eyes to let sleep take him. It was the best escape.

However the dreams that followed gave him no real rest, no longer fever driven yet equally as disturbing. For some reason Kanaan featured in one, in another it was Ford and then Col Sumner and even Elizabeth. The tall Athosian had mocked him, telling him he was not good enough for his love and most certainly unfit to be a father to Torren. Elizabeth told him how disappointed she was and Ford accused him of not caring and leaving him to die.

John tossed and turned, restless in his self-torture until finally, many hours later, he dreamt no more.

oOo

The Scottish doctor looked over to where John still slept or at least appeared to. For two days now they had hardly been able to get him out of bed as he kept saying he wanted more sleep. It worried the doctor as there really weren't any serious physical reasons for the need to sleep so much anymore. While he still had some recovering to do, his sores were healing nicely. The need for a little extra sleep was understandable as John had been through the mill but, it shouldn't be this much anymore. Carson would have preferred John to be a little bit more active because even when he wasn't sleeping, he just slumped quietly outside in a chair. The only positive reaction John ever showed was when Beth or Torren came around, and then he allowed them to cuddle into him and sometimes sleep. Even more worrying was the fact that John hardly ate anything. He kept saying that his appetite just wasn't there yet. Thankfully he did drink Carson's concoction, which was one good thing because it contained all the minerals and vitamins his body needed.

Sighing loudly, Carson turned to his companions. "If things don't change soon I'm going to have to call in Dr. Robinson. I would prefer not to take such action as that would have to be reported on the Colonel's medical record and I certainly don't want to give the powers that be any excuse whatsoever to remove him from command."

Ronon looked glumly at his feet. "It's my fault. Should never have said anything."

"Aye, well, it probably didn't help, although I'm sure the depression would still be there."

"So you think he needs to see Claire Robinson? Will that really be of use? John does not talk about his troubles, even really bad experiences like Koyla's imprisonment. I have a feeling he will not be cooperative this time around?"

Carson looked down at Teyla's concerned face. She'd been through so much and now this. He had an inkling that her relationship with the colonel had shifted and was finally moving in the right direction. Now if only he could get the man fully recovered in both body and mind. "Aye it may prove a problem but he'll have no choice if he wants to get better."

They moved away totally unaware that John had heard some of the conversation. So they wanted him to talk to the shrink? Well, he'll be telling them where they could shove that idea. Thankfully it had gone quiet and they'd left him in peace, so he simply buried his head further into his pillow and went back to sleep.

TBC