Siren: Hello, wonderful fans!

Muse: We know you're out there. We can hear you breathing.

Siren: Hey, guess what? We have a new poll up. Depending on who wins this one, one of us is going to have to drink a half a cup of...banana pepper ring juice.

Muse: So gross.

Siren: And, to further this, we're going to put it on Youtube! Isn't that exciting! Anyway, you have to answer the poll. So, choose. Minnesota or fried chicken?

Muse: Sirens & Muses own nothing from ToS, blah, blah.

Siren: Review, blah, blah.

Muse: Blah.

Siren: (kicks in head) Don't violate those orphans or insult my mother!


We rejoin our epic heroes as they…um…what exactly are they doing again?

"You're holding it upside down, jackass!" Lloyd yelled, yanking the map out of Kratos' hands.

"Bullshit, Lloyd," Kratos said, snatching it back. "Go left over this bridge-"

"No, left is east, we wanna go north!" Lloyd said.

"We would want to go north if someone hadn't thought they saw a sign that said 'Free Pot'. But, no, you just had to run away, so now, we're not sure which direction we're even facing!" Kratos grumbled.

"Moose always grow on the north side of trees, right?" Lloyd said, trying to read the map. "Let's just find some moose."

"It's moss, genius. MOSS." Kratos slapped him.

"Oh, look, a conveniently placed church!" Colette chirped.

The group of lost idiots-I mean, heroes…no, wait, I really do mean idiots-trooped inside the church. Inside was…

"OHMYGOD, HOT NINJA ASSASSIN LADY!!" Lloyd yelled. "I'm Lloyd, and to answer your question, yes, I am available!"

"The name's Sheena. Sheena Fujibayashi!" Ninja Lady yelled back.

"You know, it's so much easier if we just call you D-Cups," Kratos said. "Can you even pronounce your last name?"

"That doesn't matter! I will kill you next time," Sheena cried, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
"Well, let's all gasp and move on," Raine said, bored.

After said gasps and moving on, the team found themselves…lost again.

"How the hell are we over here?" Kratos asked, scratching his head.

"I told you, we have to go north!" Lloyd yelled. "Look, let's just find some moose-"

"For the last time, MOSS! Dumbass."

"Oh, for the love of boysenberry jam," Raine mumbled, picking up a cinderblock that was there for some reason and smashing it over both of the swordsmen's heads. "Colette, help me carry Kratos. Genis, you grab Lloyd."

However in the hell Genis managed to carry Lloyd by himself, the authors don't know, but one thing is for sure. This journey to Hakonesia Peak? Yeah, it's pointless.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO PALMACOSTA?!" Lloyd screamed. "We just spent a good four hours trying to find this place! In the process, we found a Desian ranch, a guidepost, three skits, a treasure chest, and Thoda Geyser Boat Dock! No way in hell am I leaving here empty handed." He marched into Koton's house.

The rest of the group waited calmly outside through some muffled conversation, banging, screaming, maniacal laughter, and silence. After a few minutes, Lloyd emerged, holding the Book of Regeneration and with a few bloodstains on his shirt.

"Okay," he said cheerfully, "We should probably hurry up and get out of here before the cops come."

Skipping ahead to Palmacosta…

"Oh my god!" Raine screamed.

"Oh my god!" Kratos screamed.

"Oh my god!" Genis screamed.

"Scabby taco!" Lloyd screamed.

"…Huh?!" Colette screamed.

"They're going to kill Cocao, Chocolat's mother!" Raine shouted, pointing.

"Because that's not an obvious play on words!" Kratos shouted. "We must save her!"

"Teen Titans, go!" Lloyd yelled. Kratos slapped him.

"Get your lines straight!"

Meanwhile, Magnius appeared out of nowhere and decided to walk threateningly across the town square.

"It's Magnius!" some random person yelled.

"VERMIN!" Magnius retorted oh-so-smartly. And then killed that person.

"Mom, don't die! No one will understand the pun if you die!" Chocolat cried, running up.

"Vermin, maniacal laughter!" Magnius said/laughed. Suddenly some little kid who has more backbone than anyone in the entire Chosen's group chucked a rock at Magnius, which really must've pissed him off. "Vermin!"

"Is that all he says?" Kratos whispered to Raine. She shrugged.

"Stop right there!" Lloyd yelled, demon-fanging Magnius' crotch before he could reach the tiny child.

"Grunt, vermin?" Magnius questioned.

"Lloyd, stop!" Raine shouted. "Do you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? I mean, really, blah, blah."

"Whatever she said!" Lloyd yelled, leaping into battle.

"I'll save you, Cocao!" Colette said, tossing her circular weapon and cutting the rope.

"Ow, my face!" Cocao cried, falling flat on her face. Still, not dead.

"Insert pompous child prodigy magician line here!" Genis yelled, deflecting a fireball.

"Insert sexy badass comment done in sexy badass voice here!" Kratos yelled, slashing Magnius.

"I totally just give up," Raine grumbled. "No one is listening to me. My mother said, 'Marry rich and become a doctor, Raine, and everyone will listen to you.' But, no, I had to date losers with commitment issues and become a small town teacher." Still grumbling, she joined the fight.

After Magnius disappeared, the group proceeded with the random not-really-a-boss-battle fight. Colette ran up, tripped, and was trampled by the trio of Desian cronies. Genis cast icicle, and DID NOT SCREW IT UP. Amazing. However, for shits and giggles, Kratos killed him anyway. Then he continued to kick ass. Lloyd started to just fling his sword around wildly, pretty much taking care of everyone else who was still alive.

"You picked the wrong guy to mess with!" Lloyd yelled at their dead corpses.

"Thank you," Cocao said.

"Whoa!" Lloyd said. "How the fuck did we get back in your house?"

"I don't know what I'd have done if they'd killed my mom, too," Chocolat said tearfully.

"Yeah, listen," Kratos said. "Don't expand on that story. We really don't care."

"First, they killed my daddy. Then, they kidnapped my grandma!"

"Weren't you paying attention?"

"What's your grandma's name?" Genis asked.

"I can't tell you," she replied. "It would destroy a main plot point."

"We just did that about twenty minutes ago anyway," Lloyd pointed out. "I killed Koton and stole the Regeneration Book back."

"We're leaving," Kratos said, dragging Lloyd out the door.

The group once again went to Hakonesia Peak and, once again, was told to go somewhere else to save Chocolat from the Desians.

"That's it," Lloyd said as the group tried to find the human ranch. "I am sick of this fucking continent. I feel like a ping pong ball."

"I feel like a turtle," Colette said, smiling. "And those flowers taste like rainbows and heartburn!"

"And also, I need some pot. I'm crashing, and I'm bitchy when I crash." Lloyd said, ignoring her.

At the human ranch, the group discovered Neil. Remember him? Convo Creeper?

"Listen, why don't you people just ignore that whole 'Chocolat's been kidnapped' thing?" he suggested.

"It's a trap, isn't it?" Raine asked boredly. "I mean, really? It's more obvious than Kratos being Lloyd's father."

"That's silly, Professor," Lloyd snorted. "I'm not a royal fuckstick. I can't be Kratos' kid."

"So, yeah, let's go kill Dorr," Kratos said, leading the group out onto the world map scene and towards the end of this chapter.


Siren: Seriously, did anyone else out there get lost travelling all over that fucking continent? It took me too long to find that goddamned mountain, then I had to go all the fucking way back!