This chapter deals with Dead Reckoning and Booked Solid. I touch on John and Joss's feeling in the scene in the hallway, and I extended the scen at the end when Snow vest explodes.

Yes, I know there were no Careese scenes in Booked Solid, but I needed to explain the fact that John and Joss were estranged for the next several episodes, and John began sleeping with Zoe. After everything they had been through together during the Riker's arc, how could he cut himself off from her and start seeing another woman? It needed some explanation. Let me know if you like mine.


Dead Reckoning

(John and Joss's feelings in the hallway scene)

John really shouldn't have been surprised when Joss and a very winded Fusco burst through the stairwell door and confronted him. He had a feeling they, along with Finch, had been tearing the city apart looking for him. His heart stood still when she grabbed his arm and looked up at him with those huge gorgeous eyes of hers. She was desperate to help him and he was just as desperate to get her away from him before she got hurt again. She'd nearly been arrested and lost her son and her career; this time she could lose her life. He would not let that happen.

John had so many things he wanted to say to her. He wanted to tell her he had been in love with her for years, and memories of her had gotten him through many bad nights in combat and the CIA. But as she clung to his arm begging to let her help him, John knew he couldn't tell her any of that. If he did, she would never let him go and she would die with him. John could accept his own death; he would not accept hers.

He was incredibly grateful to Fusco for playing the Taylor card and dragging Joss away from him. All he could say was, "Thank you… both of you."

John's heart was heavy in his chest as he turned and walked away. He did not allow himself to look back. He always knew that he was going to die violently and alone, but some part of him wished he'd had a chance with Joss. God knows he was far from perfect, but he would have cherished her and loved her the way she deserved. He could only hope Beecher would do it in his stead. He could only hope that Joss would not shed too many tears for him.


Joss watched him go, already shedding numerous tears for him. Fate was taking John away from her for the second and final time. Bitterly, she mentally went over all the things she wanted to tell him.

She wanted to tell him she meant every single word she said to Donnelly. He was not a monster; he was a good man. She knew monsters, she chased monsters for a living, and no one with his big generous heart could be a monster. He may be dying alone but he was not dying unloved.

Because the important thing she wanted to tell him was that she loved him. She had loved him since Iraq. Everything he had done since came to New York had reinforced in her mind that he was a good man. She would follow him to that roof and do everything in her power to save him. He deserved nothing less.

But she had Taylor to think about. So she allowed Fusco to drag her away from John and she watched him go to the rooftop, never once looking back. She could barely see his back as he vanished up the stairs through her tears. She wanted to scream at the universe for letting this happen to such a good man. She wanted to rail against fate for taking him away. The whole thing was so unfair that she and John would find each other again, only for her to lose him in such a horrible, bloody manner.

She wanted him back, dammit.


(extended scene at the end of the episode where Carter and Fusco deal with the aftermath of Snow's bomb vest exploding and realize that John's vest did not explode)

Joss and Fusco stood on the street below looking up, waiting for the explosion that would signal the end of John Reese. Joss fidgeted, barely able to hold back the tears. As usual, Fusco was more aware of what was going on around him than he let on and wished he could find a way to comfort her. He had known that John and Joss had an unconsummated "thing" for each other for some time and he knew that losing John was going to be devastating for her.

After several minutes slowly ticked by, Fusco began to feel some relief. Surely the bomb should have gone off by now? he thought.

"Must have been a dud," he said hopefully to the already grieving woman next to him. The words were barely out of his mouth when they heard the explosion, but it came from around the corner and not from the roof.

They raced around the corner to see the remains of a car in flames. Joss knew immediately what happened. Mark Snow was dead. She looked up at the roof again. If Snow's vest had detonated, John's could not be far behind. But shouldn't it have gone off at the same time? She barely dared to hope that somehow her beloved vigilante had figured out a way to cheat death yet again.

In a daze Joss did her job. She and Fusco herded civilians away from the scene and began talking to witnesses. The fire department arrived and put out the fire. In all the chaos, Joss felt a pair of eyes on her. Relief flooded through her senses to the point where she was nearly driven to her knees as she turned to see John standing there with Finch next to him.

Finch. She should have known the odd little genius would figure out a way to disarm the bomb. She would never under estimate him again.

Her eyes locked with John's and he gave her a small smile and tight nod. Joss blinked back tears and nodded back. Joss turned back to the crowd. When she looked back, she discovered that John and Finch had melted into the shadows and were gone. With a light heart, Joss returned to her job.


Booked Solid

After Finch defused the bomb vest, John ruthlessly cut off his feelings. He had actually dared to feel happy and it made him complacent, and that complacency got him a cell at Riker's courtesy of the FBI. It had got Donnelly killed and it nearly ruined Carter's life.

He decided that he had to stop feeling, stop being complacent. So he boxed away his feelings and went back to that dark place that Kara had taught him to use so effectively in their work. She had been right all along and he accepted his fate stoically. Donnelly had been right too, John signed up for this long ago, he was a monster. The universe had issued him a cosmic smack down for daring to believe that someone like him could seek a measure of redemption, that he might be able to somehow balance out his karma by doing good things. Not everyone deserved a second chance.

John decided to stay as far away from Joss as he could. Everything he touched turned to shit and he wasn't about to let her get hurt again. He had nearly destroyed her life when they were caught by Donnelly. and she had been willing to die with him when he was about to blown into tiny bits. He had to protect her, from him.

Looking back on it, John was glad Donnelly had prevented him for telling Joss he loved her. Had he had a chance to confess his real feelings for her, he knew she would never have let go of him in that hallway. That had been a close call, far too close for his liking.

He refused to let her get hurt because of him, but staying away from his emotional anchor was eating away at him. When had she become so important? When had he come to depend on her steady presence and moral compass? There was now a huge gaping hole in his life and it threw him off his game. He had actually even begun to feel happy before he got sent to Riker's, but all traces of that happiness were gone, replaced by anger alternating with melancholy.

So when the sexy and available Zoe plunked herself down next to him the hotel bar, it seemed like the perfect antidote to what ailed him. Zoe had made it very clear to him in the past that she wanted him, but she was also a pragmatist with a highly developed sense of self-preservation that Joss seemed to lack. Simply put, Zoe would not stick her neck out for him. He wouldn't have to worry about bringing her down with him when the inevitable happened because she would never let that happen.

John showed Zoe the key card and to his surprise, she accepted his invitation to the suite. The night that followed was exhilarating. It felt damn good to have sex with a beautiful woman, even if there was no deep emotional commitment. This relationship would work for him, for a while at least.