Chapter ten: Jealousy and Neglect! – A simple wish to choose a name reignites a grudge, and begins a new one
After her surprise visit from Shikamaru, she realised that maybe all of that judgement that she had felt before was just imagined, or if not, intensified by her own paranoia. She was heading out for the first time in a long time today. She hadn't seen Sasuke at all in those few but long weeks, and was eager to get there as fast as she could.
And of course, what better way to get there fast without hurting herself than to hire someone to take her there?
"Um… are you sure you're okay with this?" The man asked for the umpteenth time. Sakura rolled her eyes and sighed.
"Kiba, I trust you. You aren't as stupid as you used to be. Plus, for a giant dog, Akamaru-chan is pretty reliable for a smooth ride. I haven't even felt the bumps." She reassured him.
The giant white dog barked happily in reply Kiba still seemed unsure though. Kiba was a guard who was hired to keep watch around the premises of the Hokage's residence and the prison, so while he was on his way to work, Sakura decided to hitch a ride.
He was reluctant at first but then agreed. It had been years since she had taken a ride on his dog, and she smiled and thought about the first time she tried.
If you thought riding a horse was difficult, then you have had it easy.
"Okay, so what do I just get on? Or will he throw me off?" She asked cautiously. A younger Kiba waved his hand at her and smiled, carefree.
"Go ahead, I don't mind, he's perfectly trained to carry humans! Just don't pull on his ears or anything." He replied. Sakura slowly approached the big white canine. His fur glistened blindingly in the summer sun, and the content, almost amuse look on his face was precious. He lowered himself down to a more suitable level for sakura and she smiled and giggled nervously.
"You're right, he obviously knows what he's doing!" she called back.
She clambered up onto his back, almost squealing at the feel of his coarse fur under her knees. It tickled and she wasn't paying attention. Akamaru stood up and sakura nearly fell off, crying out with shock before leaning forward as fast as she could to grab a hold off his neck. Kiba laughed and fell on his butt, and she stuck her tongue out at him. Hinata and Shino, the spectators who had been casually training alongside them paused and stared at the great white dog, wondering if she was going to be able to survive this.
Sakura looked at the happily panting face of Akamaru, and reached down to pet his neck gently as he rode swiftly but carefully.
"He's much more respectable of a dog than he used to be when I first tried to ride him!" she commented. He whimpered in protest, and Kiba laughed.
"Yeah, I think he's grown up a bit. Much like all of us, you know?" he answered.
They eventually reached the point at which Kiba and Akamaru were posted at for the day, and Sakura had to make her departure. The dog lowered himself, and with a bit of effort, Kiba lifted her up and off safely, not wanting to watch her fall on her face… for once….
"You be careful you know… we don't want that kid getting any brain damage, you got it?" he joked. She rolled her eyes and turned to depart.
"Hey sakura… what are you gonna name it anyway?" he called. She stopped where she stood and thought for a minute.
"I… I'm not actually sure. We haven't been able to talk about it. I'm still not even sure if he wants this kid or not." She answered. Kiba shrugged and then returned to his business, leaving sakura to be able to continue on.
A name… she was nearly ready to have her baby and she hadn't even bothered to pick out a name for the poor thing. Judging by the way her body was responding, and using a bit of her natural medical talents she had decided that it was probably a boy that was to be born, but she couldn't be certain. She was also sure that the kid would be born looking just like his father, which could be either a good thing or a bad thing.
"Uchiha…" she mouthed the word, curious. Naruto had been given his mother's last name to protect him from his father's enemies. What if she had to do the same with her own child? What would Sasuke say if his first son never got to be recognised for his true heritage? What would be the point in trying to clean the uchiha name, if he wasn't one at all?
"Oh god, I hadn't thought about this and I probably should have." She whined, scolding herself for letting something like that slip through the cracks.
"Well I'd offer him my last name, but I know where that would get him." A familiar voice spoke up. She stopped and looked up, having come back to reality for a moment.
"Oh, Kakashi, seriously… As if I'm going to name him after you!" she joked. She poked his nose and walked straight past him.
"Oh, come one sakura, I've done so much for you, don't I deserve some credit?" he joked along with her. He followed her carefully, still wary of her wildly swinging emotions.
"The most I'd let you have part in the naming game would be to tell me if it sounds stupid. You're honest enough to at least tell me that right?" she said.
He tilted his head to the side and thought about that. It was true, he wouldn't lie if the name sounded dumb, but that was only his opinion wasn't it?
"If you want me to, but to be honest, like you said, I'm pretty good at honesty, it's more you and Sasuke who should be working on that." He admitted.
"Yeah probably… I don't like the fact that I'll probably have to use my name for his. It's just not fair. But I suppose, safety should come first." She looked down at her feet and remained silent for a while.
"Yeah that's absolutely right." Kakashi responded. Even if it was his child they were talking about he would have to say the same thing to her. He sighed.
"So, upon the assumption that you haven't thought of any names, do you at least know anything right at the moment that you might consider? I don't meant to pry but I'm really curious." He continued. They were nearing the entrance to Naruto's place and he knew that he wouldn't be welcome for too long.
"Well, I have a few relatives who've tried to give me names, but I keep ignoring them. I might have to go and ask them again. And Kakashi, you are so impatient!" she exclaimed, grinning.
"I'll let you know last now, just because you can't wait." She teased.
"Oh dear." He replied simply, chuckling to himself.
He paused and watched her continue towards the door. There was still a void in his heart at the moment, and while she was all up in an excitement like this it was hard to return to normal… it was hard to spend any time with her anymore.
"Well, I guess I do have other… comrades…?" he considered. That one night he spent talking to Gai was a little different from what he had expected and since then not another moment similar to that had occurred.
"I think I'll go home and sleep." He muttered.
"Or…"
In Sasuke's cell, he was nearly daydreaming, and didn't even notice his visitor until she chucked a shoe at him.
"Ack! What the hell?" he exclaimed. He screwed up his face at her, and looked away quickly. Although he was somewhat more used to the notion of being a parent, he was really starting to get annoyed with her enthusiasm.
It was as if she thought it was going to be easy, it was as if she was ignoring and forgetting about all of the hardships that parenting calls for, and with parents like them it was sure to be a nightmare.
Of this he was almost certain. Yet there she was, smiling and laughing all the time like nothing was wrong. Either she was really good at faking her emotions, and better than him at that, or she was truly unaware of the pure stress and difficulty that any normal, sane human being would be feeling right about now.
Of this he was above certain.
"So you came to see me finally, right? What happened now?" he grumbled. She never came to visit him to love him anymore. She rarely even kissed him, and he was actually severely missing their alone time. The kid wasn't even born yet and it was already getting in the way.
"Well, after realising I'm nearly about ready to have the damn kid, I also realised it's more or less got no name." she paused, hoping that he would continue her proposal through his thoughts.
"Oh god…" he rolled his eyes and stole a glance at her from the corner of his eye.
"I know it's cheesy, but I seriously wanted to know if you had any names in mind." She persisted.
"Why do I love this insufferable woman? Why did I let myself go this far?" he muttered, nearly audible.
"Now come on, it's just a few names. One or two will do." She crossed her arms mildly displeased with his reluctance.
Sasuke gave in and faced her again. He stared blankly at the ground and pondered for a while any name that came to mind immediately. A multitude of names came to mind, but then again, any names that meant anything to him would probably be treated like trash in the outer world, especially given the fame and terror that some of them held. It wasn't worth it to dare try any of them.
"All the names that are close to me are the names of dangerous and evil people. No other names come to my mind." He stated.
Sakura sighed and thought about that for a minute. It was true that he had many emotional connections and very controversial ties with bad people. Her ties weren't as strained and difficult as his, but she didn't want to be the one to choose a name to be honest.
Sasuke sighed as well, as the one name resurfaced itself for the sixteen-billionth time.
"Itachi." He stated. Sakura jumped in her seat and stared at him. Why of all people would he choose the one who screwed him up in the first place?
Sakura like many other people in Konoha and the world never knew nor did they ever discover the truth about the gentle and selfless shinobi that was Uchiha Itachi.
"Why?!" she demanded to know.
"Oh don't give me that tone of voice, I have several reasons why. I just can't be bothered vocalising them. It's not like you'd understand." He snapped at her. He regained his composure and then stared at the ground again. He couldn't tell her that. He didn't want to think about it again. It was Itachi's sacrifice that caused him to hate this village so much. Thinking about him would only force that feeling of hatred to resurface and all of his progress will have gone to waste… even if most of this was an act.
It was and act… he was trying to make that act become truth. He wanted it to be real, so that he could just be free. He no longer cared what happened to this stupid village or any other one at that, he just didn't want to live his life in this stupid cell.
He didn't want to be a father either. He had decided that a while ago, and sakura wasn't making life easy for him. He had gone from black to white, to black again concerning the issue and it was just too much for him. Why should he have to choose a name for a kid he never wanted to see?
"Sakura, you realise that I don't want anything to do with this kid right? I've changed my mind so many times, and I just don't think it's worth it. I'm not made for this job. Why do I have to help name a kid that should be fathered by someone else?" he admitted.
Sakura was shocked again, and was numb for a while. He had changed his mind again?
All of this inconsistency in him was getting to her nerves and she furrowed her brows, disappointed at his fickleness.
"Look, Sasuke, I was only trying to help you be at least SOME part of his life, to at least have a MINOR connection, what is wrong with you? Don't you realise your indecision is driving me nuts?" she whispered furiously.
"Well if I'm driving you crazy, then why the hell are you still here? I know another guy who's more than willing to replace me right now!" he shouted at her. There was a silence between them.
Her heart sank and suddenly she felt guilty as if she had done something wrong. He obviously was harbouring jealousy and hatred towards… him… she didn't even dare to think his name. She couldn't believe that he was even thinking that far. She had always been true to him, and she was never going to change her mind about it, so it irritated her and hurt her deeply.
"Sasuke… I cannot believe you. How can you just … what the hell is wrong with you?" she cried.
Tears forming in the corners of her eyes, she got up and grabbed his from through the bars.
"You listen, you bastard! I don't know what the hell is going through your head right now, but I'll tell you this much; GET OVER YOURSELF! You're thinking too much!" she shouted. He shouted back at her,
"I wouldn't be thinking this much if you would just visit me more often!"
She drew back and slowly sat back down, quite, and shaking.
"Visit more often?" she thought. It was then that she realised how little she had been coming. It had been slowly decreasing as the months went by. Some days she simply couldn't come due to physical issues, and some days she was just too tired.
"It's been different. It's been too different from how it used to be. It's getting in the way. I don't want him. Just give him to someone else. He doesn't need me and I don't want him, okay?" Sasuke continued softly this time.
"Why didn't you tell me about this earlier? I could have EASILY come more often." Sakura whispered. Sasuke looked away and refused to speak.
"It's not every day that I put my trust into someone, and it's not every day that I try to love somebody enough to trust that they'd be able to see that on their won without me telling them. Didn't you realise you were coming a lot less? At all, didn't you notice?" he droned, miserably.
This act of his was hard to keep up when all of his real emotions were being beaten and dulled by the circumstances. Perhaps he may even have been happier about a baby if she had just given him the chance to be.
"I… I'm sorry. I hadn't noticed. I … don't know how I can make it up to you." She said, weakly.
"You have the keys to this cell. Unlock it right now." He demanded, but calmly.
She hesitated but then a look from him forced her to comply. She scrambled to find the right key for the barred door between them. She unlocked it, and for the first time opened the door. In previous times she hadn't known which key it was, and fond it more fun to slip through the bars… back when they did 'things' together.
"Come here. I need you here." He demanded again. She closed the door and approached him. She gingerly knelt before him before letting her head and arms fall into his lap crying.
"I'm sorry Sasuke, I've been… distracted. I haven't been paying attention to things like that…" she admitted. And just to think that she had spent just the past few weeks sleeping on her couch, ignoring every sign of procrastination that arose. Even her friends who showed concern for her lack of contact with him were brushed aside. Had she been that careless?
"Get up! I'm not bending down, I can't!" he complained. She looked up and smiled sadly, but in amusement at the notion of him trying to bend over.
She sat up on him carefully, feeling awkward still. He bent his head down as much as he could and kissed her just above her breasts, wishing he could feel her belly, and make contact with his child before it was born. Surely others had had that chance by now.
He eyed it painfully, both hating it and loving it.
"I just want you to not forget about me. If you're going to start something with me, then by god you had better finish it too otherwise all of this will have been for nothing. I'm going easy on you because I know you get distracted, and that's a lot coming from me. Don't push it. And don't you ever, EVER forget to visit me again." He concluded.
He looked back up at her and sighed, smiling half-heartedly.
She smiled back and bent down kissing him for the first time in a long time. Had his hands been free he would have crushed her into an embrace, forcing her to stay with him for longer, and longer still. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed her belly gently against his, letting her hands fall behind the chair and into his bound hands, holding them tightly.
"I won't forget you again. Just don't start holding grudges on me… " she began.
He rested his forehead on her chest and closed his eyes and they shifted grip with each other's hands, listening for her to continue.
"And, Sasuke, one way or another…" she lifted his chin up to face her, "You WILL have a name for him, you understand?" she insisted again. He rolled his eyes and groaned, but she shut him up with a kiss.
Sakura left late that night.
