Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from the Eds~
There isn't really much to say.
Except thank you for hanging in there.
Rated: T; for concepts.
Who I am:
Staring unbelieving into DD's hard eyes, hands shaking, Ed crumpled further against the wall. Crumpled as if what he had witnessed in his friend was so world-shattering he was beginning to implode on himself. His large, calloused palms held upward in a placating, imploring manner. DD knew how Ed struggled with the truth. How Ed struggled to make his simplest thoughts apparent to the average human. It was this intimate knowledge and understanding that had led DD to encourage Ed to get his GED and take mechanics courses instead of failing through each and every basic high school course.
But that had been nearly three years ago when they had still been…
Ed carefully reached out to grasp DD's hands, and succeeding if only due to the shock the smaller boy had instilled in himself. Ed, still staring into those light brown eyes, pulled DD easily to his feet. Still searching for the familiar, soft look he had found in those honey brown eyes most of his life, until a few short days ago when Ed had last seen DD. That same fiery, hard look that had bloomed on this gentle, thoughtful boy that awful night remained before Ed. Boring into his own green eyes as if knowing any answer Ed had was worse than the assumptions DD had made. As if there was something darker and harsher to the night of the last storm.
Ed had been nothing if not alone these last two years, forced to watched his best friends, his whole world, blossom into someone separate from and entirely too whole without him. It was foreign and unbearable after coming to the realization he was finally where he was meant to be when he was with DD. When Eddy was out of town, which he was a lot those three years between the beginning of high school and their senior year, DD and Ed had shared what Ed had believed was beautiful and original and incomparable.
Was Eddy's absence the only reason Ed had been gifted the attentions of this gentle, soothing, attentive creature? Or was it just something that facilitated what came naturally to the both of them? Ed had always felt it was the latter, that DD's change of heart was simply the natural course of things, and that their relationships were only changing and growing much like they themselves had, not being colored by convenience and need.
Ed felt that he had been very ignorant and immature for believing these things for so long.
DD stared unblinking, waiting, into Ed's face. His bottom stung along with his pride but his righteous fury was just that: righteous. He had every right to speak his deepest, darkest, truest thoughts. Thoughts he felt had never existed before the disaster of a few days ago but thoughts that could not hold a candle to the realities of life he had known were true since his first introduction to the circle of life.
Cold, hard facts, his teachers had called them. You're born, you live, you die. Mother Nature is unforgiving, Mother Nature does what is in her best interest and she feels no remorse for what she has to do. By bringing life to a desolate area, or restoring the rightful cycle to a suffering area, or destroying the habitats and ecosystems in an entire country, all with one storm. All because she wills it. All because that is the natural way of things.
DD knew he was vindicated in saying what he had said to Ed, but feeling the familiar grip of Ed's strong, hard-working hands around his own slender, pampered digits, very nearly caused him to cave. Feelings, memories, thoughts all came rushing over him at once. Knowledge he had pushed to the back of his mind in a desperate attempt at feeling no pity but that which he felt for himself. Pushing even that behind the rage and indignation he had (righteously) felt after allowing himself that moment on the hill four days ago to cry and feel sorry for himself.
That had been enough. Now was a time for strength and certainty, no more puppy love, no more daydreams about a future with a boy he'd known his entire life, no more weak knees and fluttering heart, no more unfounded beliefs that these feelings his lover had created inside of him were reciprocated. It was time to become reborn again and strong by persevering through that anguish. It had been made blatantly clear that neither Ed nor Eddy had any respect for DD's feelings or desires. They had only known each other.
Ed had not been able to control his hormones after DD had admitted to him he was moving on with Eddy, that faithful night in the Intermediate School parking lot. Where DD had expected tears and regret there had only been lust and longing in Ed. It was then that DD should have realized how Ed had grown in to the stereotypical, sex-crazed teen. It was then that DD should have known something like this unbelievable heartbreak would come to fruition.
But DD had never expected it of Eddy.
The loathsome, selfish, single-minded, single-celled organism! The amoeba of Peach Creek, changing his form to fit his needs. Nay, his wants. The egotistical, self-centered cretin. How had that manipulative little rat's true intentions escaped DD? DD, whose attention to detail and gift of observation had gotten him out of more than one tight situation in his life.
At that, DD realized he had lost sight of his current situation. He was still staring coldly in to the red-rimmed eyes of his former friend. Ed's left eye had swelled only slightly more with the promise of impending tears, the darkening bruise on his cheekbone looking angry and fresh. Right now, nearly crumpled in on himself in the upstairs hallway, Ed looked as vulnerable as he had that night in the car. The night DD had pushed from his mind out of utter embarrassment and disbelief that he could be unfaithful to someone he had actively pursued. Eddy had never known. The guilt had been too much to bear and the truth felt like it could only damage a fragile new joining. So DD had kept the truth from Eddy, had told himself it was to protect Ed, someone DD never thought would reveal his own sexual orientation to anyone else.
Knowing now it was more to protect himself than it had ever been for Ed, who was too simple to know any better and too imposing to be frightened by bigots and closed-minded haters. Knowing now that DD had never been more ignorant than the night he chose Eddy over Ed. Not knowing what had spurred him into that decision.
Ed's hands gently tightened on DD's as this thought caused the smaller boy's brow to furrow in what Ed could only comprehend as discomfort. Ed was disturbed, he had been so gentle and so patient in the silence, much like DD had been in the incessant noise of their three years together. Ed decided another questioning squeeze was in order. This gentle touch pulled DD back to reality, back to the worried green eyes that stared imploringly down at him. Had they even spoken about what had happened? When was the last time anyone had said anything since DD had unleashed all his fury on Ed.
Poor, unknowing, misunderstanding Ed. Had DD really thought the ignorant moose could process the rights and wrongs of what he'd done. That he could take responsibility for his actions and the repercussions thereof? How dense with his own unfeeling sense of revenge had DD been to put so much faith in someone he'd known for nearly two decades as the Lennie of the group. Too simple and trusting to survive had he not been gifted with a resilient, strong body.
Finally refocusing on the here and now and looking past Ed, DD saw the front door left ajar. A soft sigh was all he had the energy for by way of reprimanding Ed, not even bothering to look at the big lug as he passed him on the stairs. Softly shutting and automatically locking the door DD sighed again. A big shuddering sigh that nearly broke him of his resolve. He leaned forward on to the door allowing the cool surface to chill his rage-warmed face. That was how Ed found him when he reached the bottom of the stairs, following the smaller boy like a lost puppy on unnaturally quiet feet.
DD was stunned when he turned around and found Ed looming over him, the swell in his left eye giving the larger boy a look more menacing than he could ever have had on his own. It was the tears that made Ed look more like Ed.
Heart softening, resolve withering, DD reached up once more to gently brush his fingers over the darkening bruise on Ed's cheekbone. A look of pity and remorse evident on DD's face. If only Ed had the mindset to comprehend such feelings fully, he may have reciprocated DD's earlier outburst. DD knew this to be true, knew for certain he deserved no less for belittling someone who had no more control over his own thoughts and actions than did a salmon swimming upstream to procreate.
Staring regretfully into DD's eyes, softening eyes that had moments earlier held so much contempt even Ed could see that he had messed up, Ed fell to his knees. DD's touch lingering still on his cheek as his own large, calloused hands fell naturally to DD's slim hips. Holding him more gently than one would imagine something so strong could. Taking a shaky breath in, searching DD's face for the answer, naturally falling back into the rhythm of expecting DD to proffer the words Ed needed in times of great delicacy as only DD could, the larger boy broke.
Falling forward to unwittingly pin DD to the door, uninjured cheek resting easily on DD's shoulder, Ed's fingers dug helplessly in to DD's sides. Struggling for a breath as hot tears paved warm rivers down Ed's warmer still cheeks, DD was taken aback.
"I'm sorry DD." Ed's warm whisper fluttered across DD's neck and through his heart, shattering it and wrenching him up from that low, dark, place he had crawled deeper and deeper inside over the past few days.
"Don't Ed…"
"I'm sorry." Ed's arms circled DD's waist, his hands reaching up to clutch the material of DD's night shirt.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…"
"Ed. Dont." DD placed his hands on the bigger boy's shoulders, pushing in a futile attempt to free himself of the strong embrace. "Ed.."
He looked up at that, sitting back on his heels to look in to DD's eyes, mouth open as he searched his mind for the explanation DD deserved.
"Ed, I…" DD shook his head as if to reinforce himself against this turning of the tables. Suddenly he felt like the monster he'd accused Ed of being. He knew better than to lay all the blame on Ed. After all, it takes two to tango. More so, he knew better than to lay any blame at all on Ed, he knew better than to think Eddy was completely innocent of this. Hadn't Eddy always been the manipulative one? The selfish one. The...driven one.
"I'm sorry, Ed." DD's hands rose up to rest just beneath Ed's sharp jawline, his thumbs caressing the stiff stubble that had grown there after a few days without shaving. Staring hopelessly in to those big green eyes, a sad sigh escaping him before he finally broke entirely and accepted the comfort Ed had always offered and undoubtedly was offering now.
He kissed Ed's swollen left eye.
"I'm sorry."
He kissed the cut beneath it.
"I'm sorry"
He kissed Ed.
