I just have to say how much I love all your reviews. Every single one puts a smile on my face. There are only five chapters left, so things are going to start moving quickly from here on out. This is an EPOV chapter – hope you enjoy it!
I was nominated in two categories in The Vampie Awards! I would really appreciate your vote if you think I'm deserving. http:/twificpics(dot)com(/)vampawards
As always, I don't own Twilight. Just this plot and a poster of Edward.
You only know what I want you to I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
Poison and Wine – The Civil Wars
Bella slumped forward in Edward's arms, and even though he could still hear the steady beat of her heart, he had a moment of panic. "Bella, Bella, open your eyes!" he cried, gently shaking her shoulders. She mumbled something incoherent, but her eyelids remained closed. The minutes before Carlisle and Alice arrived felt like years, and the only thing keeping Edward together was the knowledge that once his father was there, he would be able to help her.
Edward heard the Mercedes drive up the lane and scooped Bella up in his arms. Carlisle met him at the back door and held it open for him. They walked swiftly to the car, where Alice waited in the passenger seat. It was clear she was struggling with the amount of blood coating both he and Bella.
"Edward, let me do a quick examination before I take her to the hospital," Carlisle urged. Edward walked to the open car door and slid in the back seat, placing Bella's head in his lap. While Carlisle unbound her wrist, Edward spoke to Alice.
"You don't have to come with us if this is too much. Bella would understand," he stated.
"No, Edward, I'm coming. She needs someone to be there for her. After all you've done, I don't know if that person is you anymore." The anguish in her tone was palpable.
"Alice, I-" Edward tried to interrupt.
"Nothing you say is going to change what happened - what you caused. My God, I knew things were bad between you two, but Bella kept so much hidden. All the things I saw and chose to ignore because I promised her that I would stay out of her business. We're all at fault in this - we've all failed Bella."
Edward was stunned into silence by his sister's words. He felt like a dog, kicked after it had already been mauled. Not that he didn't deserve some of the blame, but at that moment, what he really needed was for someone to tell him that it would be okay. Bella was bleeding in the back seat and Alice was berating him - he wasn't sure he could feel much worse about the state of his existence. The rustling of fabric and the smell of fresh blood brought him out of his brooding.
"Tell me something, anything," Edward begged.
"The damage doesn't look too extensive, but she is going to need surgery to repair the tendons, and quite possibly the nerves in her wrist. She's just lucky not to have arterial bleeding. I've called ahead to the hospital in Port Angeles, so they're expecting us," he said as he got into the driver's seat and began the drive to the hospital.
"I never thought she would do something like this." Edward gazed down at Bella, stroking her hair.
"Everyone has a breaking point," Alice snapped. "Did you really think Bella would be able to put up with your abuse forever?" The question hung in the air, remaining unanswered in the now quiet car.
Carlisle broke every traffic law in the book in order to get Bella to the hospital as quickly as possible. Once there, he and Edward accompanied Bella into the emergency room while Alice parked the car. Luckily, Carlisle had hospital privileges in Port Angeles, so he was able to accompany the attending ER doctor into the operating room. Alice parked herself in the waiting room and pretended to nap as she focused on Bella's future. Edward paced up and down the halls, unable to sit still, unable to grasp the reality of what had just happened. He knew that things between him and Bella had been bad lately. Hell, he knew that he was the cause of most of their problems, but he never imagined that Bella would try to take her own life. She was so strong, so full of beauty that it was inconceivable to him that she would ever try to do herself harm. The fact that she would go so far laid bare the stark reality of exactly how bad things were.
Edward knew that Bella wanted to become a vampire. He had even made a promise to change her - a promise that he had pushed off time and time again. In the beginning, he had every intention of changing her. Then, Renee was in a car accident, and all thoughts of changing Bella were put off. As the days passed by, he was sure that he could put off the inevitable, placating his wife with more promises. He had made excuses for so long that he had actually started to believe the lie that Bella would decide becoming a vampire wasn't worth it. Every time she asked again and he would promise that he would change her "soon," he would hate himself more. He hated himself for lying to her - he hated knowing that one day he would lose her to death - he started hating her for putting her soul in his hands. It was a vicious cycle that had finally spun out of control.
Now, thinking about how she looked sitting in a pool of her own blood, he wondered if he had been wrong all along. Was keeping her human damning her to a fate worse than hell - at least in her mind? As quickly as the thought formed, Edward pushed it away. He had broken so many rules of man and God in his life. He needed this one to remain unbroken. To know that his selfishness would condemn Bella to an eternity of fire and brimstone was something he could not abide.
She was so convinced that changing her would solve their problems, but Edward knew it was deeper than that. Changing her might alleviate the tensions her humanity created - he wouldn't have to hold himself back for her any longer or worry that he would lose her one day to sickness or old age, but the matter of her soul would still linger. The one good, pure thing in his life would be doomed to hell because he was too weak to resist her. He felt guilty for promising her eternal life with him - she had every right to be angry with him for making a promise he couldn't keep. He just didn't realize at the time how easy it would be to convince himself they were okay, that their love was strong enough to withstand anything.
Edward felt the impossibility of the situation they were in. Neither one of them could live with - or without - the other. But, none of that mattered at the moment. Bella was in surgery with injuries that would require months of recovery. She might have nerve damage that would permanently hinder her motor functions, not to mention the delicate state of her mental condition. So, instead of focusing on the things he couldn't change, Edward vowed to do his best to take care of Bella until she was well enough for them to seriously discuss their future together.
"Edward, there you are!" Alice scolded, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Bella will be out of surgery soon. There weren't any complications, and from what I can see now, the only lasting damage will be some numbness to her hand. Get back to the waiting room so we will be there when Carlisle comes out." She turned around and walked purposefully down the hall. Edward followed behind her, relieved that at least physically, Bella would be okay.
They arrived in the waiting room only a few minutes before Carlisle came to give them an update. He found Alice and Edward sitting next to each other, looking everywhere in the room except at each other. He could feel the tension between them as soon as he walked into the room.
"Bella came through the surgery without a problem. She did have damage to the ulnar and median nerves, and the tendons of the extrinsic flexor muscle had to be repaired. Her injuries weren't minor, but we believe they were repaired in a way that will lead to minimal lasting damage. She's going to need physical therapy eventually, but we won't really know the total extent of any possible nerve damage until then. All things considered, she is a very lucky woman."
"Thank you, Carlisle. Words can't express how grateful I am to you, and to you, Alice. I know you're angry at me, but thank you for saving her," Edward said. "When can I see her?"
"She is just being woken up now, so in maybe another thirty minutes. I have to go back to Forks, but I will have a nurse come out and get you when you can go back. Son, a psychiatrist from the hospital is going to evaluate Bella as soon as she's able. Depending on how that goes, she may be put on medication or simply referred to counseling. Either way, the hospital is not going to discharge her until they are sure she is no longer a threat to herself. I don't think her intent was to kill herself, but this is not a sign to take lightly. Bella is in distress and needs our unconditional support, regardless of what it means to each of us personally."
"And I will be here for her every step of the way." Edward replied with just a hint of condescension in his voice. "There is nothing I won't do to make sure she is healthy and happy. I should go home and get some of her things before I can see her. I hate to leave, but I know she'll want her own things."
"I'll go, not as a favor to you. I know where Bella's things are and what she'll need," Alice said. "Since Carlisle is leaving, I'll run back to your house, get her things and drive your car back here."
"Thank you, Alice." Edward's voice was strained, his hands in tight fists at his side. It was taking all of his restraint not to lash out at Alice, but there, in the hospital, was not the place for him to have an outburst.
With one final glare at Edward and a whispered goodbye to Carlisle, she headed out of the waiting room.
"What are you going to tell Charlie?" Carlisle asked.
"I have no idea. I'm just glad she's here and not at the hospital in Forks. At least this way I have some time to think up a story. God, how did this become such a mess?" Edward slumped down into the chair, covering his face with his hands.
"I think you know exactly what happened, Edward. Esme and I should have stepped in sooner, but we've always believed in giving our children freedom. Breaking your promise to her - eroding her trust - was just the beginning. I'm disappointed in you, and I'm disappointed in myself for not being more direct with you. I know you want to see Bella, but she might not want to see you when she wakes up. If that's the case, please don't push her. You've done enough damage."
Carlisle's words shook Edward, breaking him out of his self-induced pity. "I know what she needs," he seethed. "Despite what you may think, I love Bella and will do whatever is needed to make her better."
"I'm holding you to that," Carlisle replied. The look in his eyes reflected steely resolve. He loved his son, but he also knew that Edward could be rigid and cruel. The fact that he had ignored it for so long caused him deep anguish. Carlisle loved Bella like a daughter, and even if it meant keeping Bella away from Edward, from his family, he would do what was in her best interest. "Now, I have to go back to Forks, but I'll check in with her doctor later. Remember what I said, Edward. Do not upset her any more than she already is."
Thank you, for everything," Edward said, not looking at Carlisle. He was angry and hurt at his father, but he had been there for Bella and for that he was grateful.
"I'll be in touch." Carlisle walked out of the room, feeling the weight of his failures like a yoke around his shoulders. If only he could go back and change things, but he couldn't. All that was left to do was make sure Bella was protected and pick up the shattered pieces of his family. Before leaving the hospital he spoke to a nurse, making sure she knew that Edward was only to be allowed in Bella's room if she consented. That task completed, he found his car in the parking lot. The smell of Bella's blood didn't bother him, but he knew cleaning it up immediately was a necessity. He might be able to tolerate the smell of blood in such close quarters, but since the rest of his family couldn't, he did his best to remove all traces of the smell before returning to Forks.
Alone in the waiting room, Edward opened his mind to the chatter around him. For once, he actually wanted to lose himself in the thoughts of other people. He laid his head back against the wall and let all of the random thoughts seep into his consciousness until they drifted into an incoherence resembling the buzzing of flies.
"Sir," the nurse whispered, gently shaking Edward's shoulder. He knew she was there, of course, but he needed to keep up the facade of being human.
"Oh, sorry. I must have drifted off," he apologized, rubbing his eyes and stretching.
"It's been a stressful day, so that's understandable. Your wife was awake briefly and asked to see you. If you would follow me, I will take you back to her room."
"Thank you," Edward responded, following the nurse as she strode out of the waiting room and to a bank of elevators. It seemed to take forever for the elevator to descend to the first floor. Then, it filled up with people to the point Edward thought he would suffocate from the overwhelming scent of human blood that filled the tiny space.
"Three please," the nurse said to the man closest to the buttons.
When the door opened on the third floor, Edward jumped out, jostling people aside to escape the confines of the elevator. "What room is she in?" he asked as soon as the nurse joined him in the hall.
"She's in room 315 - just take a left and the end of the hall. The doctors have prescribed a fairly high dose of morphine, so she might be sleeping. And, don't be alarmed if she's incoherent - that's just a side effect of the medication."
Edward knew this already but thanked the nurse and made his way to Bella's room. He peered in the small window on the door. Bella was lying on her back, her hair spread in a tangled mess around her head with her left arm propped up on pillows at her side. She looked so small, so pale, lying in that bed surrounded by medical equipment. It took Edward back to the last time he had seen her in the hospital, after James had almost killed her in Phoenix. His heart clenched at the thought that he could have lost her for a second time. He opened the door as quietly as possible and made his way to Bella's side.
"I'm so sorry, my Bella. I'm so sorry I can't be what you need," he whispered, lightly touching her cheek with his fingertips. "Maybe I love you too much, but I can't apologize for that. You are my life." He ghosted his lips over Bella's - they were dry and slightly rough, so unlike the way they normally felt. Her lips were poison and wine – sustaining him and tearing him apart at the same time. Edward raked his eyes over her body, taking in her sallow complexion, the purple circles under her eyes, her ragged nails. His mind flashed back to their argument earlier and how he had let her beat her fists against his chest and rake her nails down his face. He took in the bruises on her skin, left there because he was too paralyzed with shock to stop her. He had never seen Bella so unhinged. They were no stranger to fights, but this was something far beyond anything he had ever seen from her. The wildness in her eyes reminded him of an animal, and it frightened him that he had pushed her this far.
Edward pulled a chair next to the bed and sat next to Bella, stroking her fingers and talking to her about happier times. Eventually, Alice showed up with Bella's things. She unpacked her bag, placing her toiletries in the bathroom and leaving her clothes in the small closet against the wall.
"Oh, Edward, she looks so..." Alice trailed off.
"They didn't get all the blood off her face," Edward said absently. A cry was forming behind his lips, but he feared the sound that would break free if he let it pour out. No matter what Carlisle thought, his wife had tried to kill herself. She had been willing to choose death over spending the rest of her human life by his side. Grief and rage mingled together under the surface of his skin, trying to break free. He pushed them down, willing himself to keep it together. He looked at Bella and saw her standing by the counter, blood dripping from her wrist.
"No closer! Change me or let me die. I can't live like this anymore. Don't you see you've already destroyed my soul? I just don't want to hurt anymore, Edward. I've loved you with everything I have, but I know now that it isn't enough."
He saw the knife slice through the skin of her wrist. She didn't even flinch as the knife sunk into her flesh.
"Tell your family I'm sorry. I don't want to leave them, but I just...this is the only way."
He saw her sitting on the floor, drawing patterns in her blood.
"Oh, God, Bella." Edward's cry echoed across the room, raw and anguished. Sobs shook his body until venom stung his eyes. He wished so badly that he could cry real tears - that his body could release the physical manifestation of his grief. He sobbed for himself - he sobbed for Bella - for all that they had and all that they had lost. Although his body could never be tired, he felt exhausted, beaten down by events he could never change, words he could never take back.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." He looked at Alice, hoping she knew he was sincere.
"It's a little too-never mind," she said, completely ignoring his apology. "I would like to clean Bella up, so I would appreciate it if you could give us some privacy." Her request came out more like a command, and Edward knew from reading Alice's thoughts that she was still furious at him and desperate to talk to Bella. Apparently she thought Bella should move back in with Charlie instead of going home with him.
"Just don't wake her up. I know you're just dying to talk to her about what a monster I am, but she needs her rest," Edward replied curtly. "Oh, and Bella will be coming home with me."
"I think Bella can make her own decisions, Edward. She deserves to know that the family will support whatever she chooses to do when she gets out of here. Now go," she said, pointing to the door.
Edward walked into the hall, resentful that Alice kicked him out and slumped down on the floor outside the room. He let the humm and buzz of the hospital lull his mind into a more tranquil state. He needed to be strong for Bella - he couldn't let her see him anything less than calm and composed.
"You can come back in now," Alice said, sticking her head out the door.
Edward walked back in the room and immediately went back to Bella's side. She looked much better. Alice had brushed her hair, washed her face, and cleaned her nails. He couldn't believe that Bella hadn't woken up, although from the smell of her blood, she did have a high level of morphine in her system.
"Thank you, Alice." He paused, not sure he wanted to speak to her any more than necessary, but he needed to know when his wife would wake up. "Have you seen...do you know when she'll wake up?"
Alice's face went dark for a split second. She had been hiding many of her thoughts from him since she arrived at his house a few hours ago. It made Edward crazy, but he knew that he was persona non grata at the moment. He just hoped that she wouldn't keep anything important from him.
"She wakes up tomorrow, but only for a few minutes."
A few minutes was all he needed - just a moment to look into her eyes and see that she was really there - to tell her that he loved her and know that she heard him. "What am I going to tell Charlie? How do I keep this from him?" Edward said, thinking out loud. He was used to coming up with cover stories, lies to replace truths too real for most people to accept, but this was something entirely different. What kind of lie would cover up the fact his daughter had attempted to kill herself?
Alice sighed for a moment, as if she hated extending any courtesy to her brother. "Tell him that she tripped going down the stairs and put out her hands to catch herself. I think the simpler we keep this the better. Charlie won't question it." Alice was already dialing her phone, preparing to relay their prepared story to Carlisle.
It was better than anything Edward had thought of, and something completely plausible for Bella to do, so Edward collected himself and stepped out into the hall to call Charlie.
Charlie picked up on the first ring. "What's wrong, Edward? This better not have anything to do with what happened earlier." No hello, how ya doing - Charlie knew that Edward didn't make social calls.
"Bella fell down the stairs and threw out her arms to catch herself. She ended up breaking her left wrist," Edward paused for a moment, waiting for Charlie to speak.
"So, she's okay, besides the broken wrists?" Charlie asked.
"She'll probably have some bumps and bruises, but other than that, she's fine. The doctors had to operate to set the bones, so she's out cold right now. Carlisle spoke to her doctor, and the surgery went well. She should be just fine. I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner, but it happened so fast-"
"That's okay, Edward," Charlie cut him off. "I'm just glad she's going to be okay. This isn't the first broken bone Bella's had, so it's not exactly shocking news. I would come up to the hospital to see her, but we're a man short tonight. Could you just keep me posted, and have her call as soon as she's feeling up to it?" Edward could tell Charlie was upset he couldn't make it to the hospital, but didn't want to let Edward see him as weak. He had never completely warmed up to Edward, and today's stunt certainly hadn't earned him any points.
"Of course, Charlie. The doctor has given her some pretty heavy pain medicine, so I'm not sure if she'll be much for talking tomorrow or not, but I'll call you as soon as she wakes up."
"You do that." Charlie hung up the phone, leaving Edward listening to silence.
"That went well," he muttered to himself. Then, he called Renee and told her the same story. She wanted to fly out immediately, but Edward convinced her that it would better for her to stay home for the time being. He had enough to deal with without worrying about Renee - she was more observant than most humans, and that was an added stress he couldn't deal with.
Alice was sitting beside Bella, stroking her hair when Edward came back into the room. "You don't have to stay, Alice. They'll be kicking me out of here soon - I think visiting hours end at eight. I'm just going to head down to the waiting room for the night."
"I'll stay until you leave," she said in a voice that left no room for argument.
They sat silently on either side of Bella until a nurse came to tell them visiting hours were over. Edward decided to go home to shower and change clothes. "You promise, if you see anything, call me," Edward repeated to Alice before they parted ways in the parking lot.
"Yes," Alice replied wearily. "I told you, she wakes up tomorrow morning at 10:47. Oh, and if you value your life, stay away from Emmett." She turned away from Edward and started walking out of the parking lot. For a moment, he considered asking if she wanted a ride, but the thought died before it reached his lips. He was well aware what a disappointment he was to the whole family - he didn't need even a second more of Alice reminding him of that fact.
Edward walked into the house and was immediately assaulted by the smell of blood. He walked into the kitchen, trying to keep visions of Bella out of his mind. He turned on the radio, hoping the music would drown out the screaming in his head. He couldn't listen to Bella's cries, Alice's admonishment, his own anger...he needed it all to just stop. There was bleach and cleaning rags under the sink, so he grabbed a bucket from the closet and filled it with hot water. He poured bleach directly on the tile and scrubbed the floor until not a spot of blood remained. He took the knife she had used and threw it in the trash. Then, he picked up the contents of the drawer he had spilled and put everything back in order. The smell of Bella's blood still filled his nose, even though he had used a whole bottle of bleach to clean the kitchen. Finally, he gave up and went upstairs, hoping to escape the smell. He turned the hot water on and let the bathroom fill up with steam before stripping off his clothes and stepping in the shower. No matter how much he scrubbed, Edward didn't feel clean. After what he had seen that day, he didn't think he would ever feel clean again.
He spent the night pacing the halls of his house, frantic to get back to the hospital and see Bella. There, in the house where she had tried to take her life, he was haunted with thoughts that she had actually died. Although he knew it was untrue, his mind played tricks on him all night. He must have looked at his phone a million times just to make sure he hadn't missed a call from Alice. As the minutes ticked by, Edward was sure he was losing his mind. He saw Bella in every shadow, and the smallest of noises scratched at his brain until he fell to his knees, begging God to make the noise stop. He felt like he was in a Dali painting, trapped with no way out. As soon as the first light of dawn peeked over the horizon, Edward got in his car and sped to the hospital. Nothing would be real until he saw Bella - the screaming in his head wouldn't surrender until he could touch her warm lips and know she was alive.
Visiting hours hadn't started when Edward arrived at the hospital, but he was desperate to see Bella, so he took the elevator to the third floor and used his best persuasive efforts on the first nurse he encountered. She didn't resist, letting Edward in Bella's room without complaint. The sound of her beating heart and heavy breathing immediately centered him. The world was still turning - his Bella was alive and would wake up in five hours, forty five minutes. He walked silently to her bedside and just watched her for the longest time. The dark circles under her eyes seemed to be a bit lighter, although her skin was still too pale. "Good morning, my Bella," he whispered before placing the softest of kisses on her lips. Even though she didn't move or give even the smallest sign she knew he was there, Edward was content. It was enough for him to touch her skin - to know that she was alive. Nothing was impossible as long as she continued to exist.
