A/N: I know clearer where this story is headed now and I have the next few chapters all mapped out in my head. I know I don't have many reviews anyway, but they slowed down quite a lot on the last couple so I hope I haven't lost anyone's interest! It is very dark and intense at the moment but the whole story will not be like this, I'm just trying to make it as realistic as possible. Please persevere :) Thanks for reading.
"Another one?" JJ murmured.
"I'm sorry, but we really need to do a blood transfusion just to make sure all your organs are getting uncompromised cells sent to them whilst they are in recovery after surgery. It's for the best." The doctor replied back to her.
She felt numb, her whole body and mind just broken and torn apart by this man, this man who she was able to distance herself from through the whole case. Just another Unsub who they needed to profile, just another psychopath they needed to catch. But this time it was all so different. Her whole life, everything she knew, the world around her, it was all coming crashing down. Leaving the jagged pieces for the rest of her team and the victim's families to put back together. She'd caused this pain.
"I'll be back later to check on you; once again, I'm very sorry Jennifer." The doctor murmured sensing the intrusion of her thoughts. She gave her a look of deep sympathy and gently walked out the room.
JJ didn't even know where to start, everything in her mind seemed so scrambled and distant. She felt sick.
It had been just a day since she'd woken up and been told, again, what he'd done to her sister, how he hurt her. JJ's control over herself caved as her heart became too heavy to bare. The tears that had fallen down her cheeks the last twenty four hours had become pointless, there didn't seem to be a time when she wasn't crying. She felt hollow inside but at the same time, her cheeks seemed to be constantly sodden. Everything had happened so quickly.
Hotch had stayed with her a while last night after she asked him to. She couldn't even think about seeing the others yet, as selfish as that sounded. When Hotch had told her they'd all been waiting for her to wake up for over four days, she just couldn't. Seeing the look on their faces, letting them see her broken so much. She couldn't even bother to try putting on a facade to disguise her shredded up heart. She was on so much morphine to help the pain in her stomach and head that she really didn't think she could hold a coherent conversation even if she wanted to. She was always the glue of the team, the one that encircled them all, and if she wasn't that to them then what was she?
As strange as she would have thought it'd be with Hotch keeping her company, seeing her this way, it wasn't. She'd always got on extremely well with him, they always saw eye to eye on matters. They'd both sort of been the parental figures of the bureau, though no one acknowledged it out loud. She'd only ever seen Hotch even have a flicker of a hint that he was human twice in her life. The first was when Foyet murdered Haley; she thought she could never feel worse than that day. Walking into that house not knowing what they were going to find. And then seeing her body lying in his arms as he wept uncontrollably, she was completely mutilated.
The second was at her funeral. She remembered the wind whispering in her long blonde hair, remembered the feel of what she thought were real tears, remembered the way his voice cracked as he spoke of loving families unconditionally...
But last night he'd been so patient and unwavering, but not in a cold way. He'd simply held her cool hand comfortingly, as they both sat in silence and she cried for what felt like hours. He'd passed her tissues and not even attempted to give her words of comfort she knew would not have even touched her skin. She was surprised at herself that she'd even wanted him to be with her. She guessed she knew deep inside that having Emily, Penelope or even Reid would just give her the final push into the pit, knowing that they probably would have cried alongside her, wouldn't have been able to have remained strong enough. She couldn't do that to them, she couldn't hurt any more people.
Her eyes stung as the acidity from her tears wore them. Hotch had told her to call him when she felt up to seeing any of them, and taken the others all home. It was nearly weekend, and she gathered that he probably would have talked to Strauss, letting them have the next couple of days off, knowing that their heads wouldn't be in the game.
JJ let her lids fall down over her eyes; she'd been so afraid to do so ever since that night, terrified the darkness would engulf her again. But this time she couldn't help it, she was utterly exhausted. She suddenly felt like she'd rather face the darkness if that was what it was going to be, then to be awake and have no escape from her mind and all the information she'd had to process over the last day.
She slumped slightly in the bed, her IV catching on the blanket slightly as she pulled it up around her shoulders to stop the shivers escaping her body. The gentle beeping of the monitor recording her pulse not as irritating as it was last night, instead keeping a steady rhythm, and rocking her to sleep.
She turned her head slightly, seeing him lying on the floor next to him.
She'd caused this.
His eyes barely open, his chest slowly rising and falling
This was all her fault.
She tried to murmur his name, to let him know it would be okay but her mouth made no noise.
"Jenn-i-fer" an eerie voice purred, making the hairs on the back of her neck prickle in disgust.
And that's when she saw them.
The pale blue eyes.
"Jennifer, Jennifer!" A timid voice pulled her out of her dream.
She opened her eyes, flinching as someone touched her arm. She looked up to see a small nurse crouched over her, a worried look in her eyes. The nurse gazed up at the monitor which had now stopped its irrational beeping, and continued to slow down to the steady sound again.
"Sorry." JJ mumbled, she felt the familiar rush of adrenaline in her body as her heart rate slowed down.
"What happened?" The petite nurse asked staring at her.
"Just...a dream, I think." JJ said quietly, the cogs in her brain whirring as a piece of the jigsaw puzzle clicked into place.
"Okay...You had me worried there for a minute. Your BP rocketed!" The nurse spoke whilst laughing nervously and adjusting something on the IV, trying to occupy herself.
"I'm fine, really." JJ replied, split in half about her feelings. She wanted this lady to leave her alone, to get out of her space, she suddenly felt claustrophobic. Yet the other half wanted to beg her to stay so that she never had to face the monsters in her mind alone again, so she wasn't left locked away with her thoughts.
"Okay, well if you need anything, you'll just press this button won't you?" She said sounded unsure of whether to leave her or not. JJ nodded, deciding she wanted to be alone, to think without interruption. The nurse stared at her for a moment again before quietly walking out of the room, closing the door behind her in the process.
JJ reached a hand up to her cheek and felt the wetness on them. She exhaled sharply, trying to calm herself down from what her mind had shown her as she suddenly realised.
Her memory was coming back.
She turned and looked at the clock beside her in a panic, her stomach pain twisting with her movement. She placed a hand on her abdomen, trying to keep in the pain, reading the digits.
2.06 am
Her brain told her it had been over thirty hours since she'd awoken from her coma. Though time made no sense to her now; it was all just one big long blur of pain merged together. The memories were coming back quicker than she expected, she'd had no time to prepare. Her breath caught in her throat and came out as a loud sob. She quickly muffled her hand over her mouth to keep from drawing the nurse's attention again. She wasn't ready for this, for her private viewing of her own personal horror film, played on the insides of her eyelids. She couldn't take this right now, she wasn't strong enough. Keeping her hand over her mouth, the tears splashing over her fingers as she couldn't get those eyes of evil out of her mind, and that's when she apprehended, that she probably never would. She felt like letting the world swallow her up right here right now with the thought of those pupils staring into her for a lifetime. But she knew she had to be strong, she couldn't let him win.
She reached out her hand stretching for the glass of water beside her bed, simultaneously grabbing the clear, plastic pot of pills too. She grimaced as she lowered herself back into bed again, throwing the tablets into her mouth and swallowing them down with the drink. Her mouth felt dry and the water felt good on it. She didn't even know what she had just taken quite frankly, but she hoped that they were either something for the pain, or to help her sleep.
But she knew, even with one, the other was still lost.
3 days later
JJ waited, her palms sweating, trying to stifle the urge to sniff just for a minute, her eyes sore and puffy. On the third ring, she heard the voice she so desperately needed to hear.
"Hotchner."
"Hotch, it's me JJ." She replied trying to keep her voice even, clasping onto the phone for dear life, needing something to hold on to, to anchor her in reality.
"Hey JJ." He said back, his voice becoming softer, less authoritative. "How are you doing?" he asked the question, knowing the real answer and the one she was about to say.
"I'm fine." She said reflexively, needing to move on from the small talk, needing to distract herself. She took a deep breath in to stop her voice from breaking. "I'd really like to see everyone." As she said those words she wasn't sure if she'd made the right decision or not. Was she ready for all those familiar faces, would they make this all worse? And that's when she realised, this couldn't be worse. Seeing her friends could only be the thing that she needed right now.
"JJ, are you sure that's a good idea? It's only been four days since you woke up." Hotch said, concern tingeing his voice. JJ could tell he thought this was a bad idea.
"Hotch, please." She whispered helplessly. "I really need to see them." She put a hand over one of her eyes, trying to keep the tears in.
"Okay, but only if you're positive you can handle this. No one's expecting anything of you right now." He said trying to talk her out of it.
"I can do this" was all she said back to him.
"Right, well I'll let everyone know, what time's best for you?" Hotch's voice was still concerned but he seemed relieved at the same time. JJ knew the others would be dying to get in here, she felt even guiltier for making them wait. The tears started pouring again, and her head pounded with the constant flow, she fought the urge back to take in a deep breath knowing it would give her away.
"Maybe after lunch?" She offered weakly, feeling so drained.
"No problem. We won't stay long, don't worry." He assured her.
"See you then." She murmured, putting the phone down back by the side of her bed. She felt panic flood through her at the thought of seeing everyone. She couldn't let them see her like this.
Pretty much since she'd woken up that night from her flashback she hadn't been able to get back to sleep, not that she wanted to. Instead she'd cried and cried over the pair of eyes piercing into her in the darkness of the room at night, and she'd replayed the last day with her sister over and over in her head, like a record on repeat, the needle scratching at the plastic. She felt like she was tearing open that old wound again, a dangerous road to go down. But she felt compelled to do it, to try and grasp onto the last time she'd seen her, it strangely kept her going at the same time as destroying her too. She hadn't tried to picture her face in so long.
The female doctor walked into the room, her black heels clicking against the floor, her brunette hair tied up in a neat bun and her heavily mascara-coated eyelashes flitting beneath her glasses.
"How are you doing this morning?" She asked with the same pitying, concerned tone that Hotch had given her.
"Fine." She lied.
"I know you've had a lot to take in these last few days. I can't even imagine." She shook her head emphasising her astonishment. "How's your pain?" She asked.
JJ didn't think about her answer. She didn't need to, there were no painkillers that would fix the type of pain she was feeling. She felt the twinge in her stomach but ignored it; it wasn't the most important thing right now. She could handle it.
"Fine." She stuttered again.
The doctor eyed her for a moment, trying to read her. She noted her tear stained cheek and the pallor of her skin. Walking over to the monitor, she turned a few dials and jotted something down on the clipboard she was carrying. After seeming satisfied with this, she turned around to check JJ's pulse manually, looking at the clock next to her bed, silently counting. JJ cringed at the touch of her, a stranger intruding her personal space. She tried to maintain as composed a face as she could. After a minute or so, the doctor released, fiddling with her IV making sure it was secure. She then turned and sat on the end of JJ's bed with her feet dangling elegantly off the side, a weak smile on her face.
Gazing at JJ, she played with the pen in her fingers, twiddling it. "It's still such early days; I'm still surprised you're even out of the coma to be quite frank." She continued to talk.
JJ couldn't even bother to think of a reply to her. Her mind was preoccupied, though the tears had subsided for a moment.
"The nurse said that the other night, you had...a dream?" She asked, JJ knew where this was going. And it was a conversation she really couldn't handle right now. She thought she may just snap any second, she felt so fragile.
"So you're getting some memory back? I can't imagine how horrifying that is at the moment." JJ kept her head down as the doctor said this, pleading internally for her to not go any further.
"Have you had anymore flashbacks since that night?" She asked gingerly.
JJ shook her head with the slightest movement, her eyes still looking down, focussing on the needle pricking into her hand so she didn't have to face her.
The doctor considered her next sentence. "But believe it or not it's a good sign. It means your brain is ready to heal from the trauma."
JJ lifted her head slightly and looked into the doctor's dark green eyes for the first time.
"My brain is healing?" She blurted out. The doctor instantly realised her mistake, panic flashed across her face.
"My brain will never heal!" JJ cried, the tear barrier breaking. "I am permanently scarred for life!" She felt the blood rush through her; she felt her anger building, about to erupt.
"Jennifer, that's not what I meant, I'm sorry." The doctor held her hands up in an apology. She couldn't think of what to say to her to make it any better. She watched as the tears glistened down her face, thinking again.
"Listen, I know this is the last thing on your mind right now but we have people in this hospital, on the psych wards, that are here for this kind of...situation." She said screwing up her nose mildly at the bad choice of words.
JJ stared back at her, her lips pressed together hard to stop herself from screaming. She felt the pain in her head hammer away at her skull. "I don't want to talk to anybody right now." She said, keeping her voice down a notch since her last outburst, taking deep breaths in to steady herself. "Please, just leave me alone." She whimpered.
"Of course, and I'm not talking about right now, please just give it some thought. Whatever time of day, whenever, they are here for you to talk to if you want, please bear that in mind." The doctor stood up from the bed, clearly upset with herself for her poor use of language. "If you need me for anything, just get one of the nurses." She said quieter, taking one last look at her before walking out and down the corridor. JJ heard the noise of her heels get more muffled as she became more distant.
JJ rubbed her forehead, roughly wiping away the tears. She needed to calm down before the team arrived in a couple of hours. She forced everything; with all her might to the back of her mind and did everything she could to stop herself from sobbing. She knew if Penelope saw her in this state that she would be just as bad, and it would break Reid's heart to see her in pain. As she thought of the familiar faces of her unit, she felt like it was helping her to concentrate on the present. She kept doing this for a while, recalling every detail of their features: the stern eyebrows furrowed on Hotch's face when thinking, the twinkle in Derek's eyes when he was poking fun at Rossi. Continuing this, she finally drifted into a light sleep, unaware that she was even falling into it.
"Maybe we should come back another time?"
"Can we not stay here until she does wake up?"
"God, I really need to see her."
"Everyone be quiet, we're not going to wake her up, she needs her sleep."
"Ooh my sweet baby girl."
The well-known voices floated into JJ's sleep, gently waking her with comfort. As she came to, she looked to her doorway to see the face of Garcia peering through the small window in the door. Her face lit up as she turned to someone by her side. Soon Hotch's face was at the window with Prentiss peeking in from the side of his. JJ smiled at them, trying to let them know it was okay for them to come in. Hotch understood this and opened the door, revealing the whole team and a nurse standing there. She heard Derek quietly thank the nurse.
"Not too long please." She whispered back to him, thinking JJ couldn't hear. Derek nodded and followed the team as they all walked into the room, closing the door behind them. Rossi, Reid and Garcia all carried chairs. There were already two in the room, and Prentiss and Hotch moved those two closer to her bed, Derek took Reid's off his as he subconsciously knew where Reid would want to sit. They all hovered though as they made their way through, gently kissing JJ on the cheek and forehead, lovingly rubbing her arm and shoulder with greetings, all of them treating her like a china doll. Everyone sat down in their chairs, with Reid carefully sitting on the end of her bed, like it would break any minute. It was quiet for the tiniest second whilst everyone took in the moment, thinking what to say.
"Is this too much?" Rossi asked caringly.
"You don't know how happy I am to see you guys." JJ replied, looking at each one of them, taking in their faces, wanting to fill her mind with her beautiful friends. Garcia, who sat on the other side of the bed from Prentiss and Hotch leaned over and clasped her hands through JJ's.
"JJ, it is really good to see you my sugar plum. I brought you some magazines, I..I know it's not much but you know..." Garcia's eyes started filling up as she reached into her purse and put a small pile on the table next to JJ's bed. JJ looked at her appreciatively, burying her true emotions and just trying to stay in this moment.
"Please, no tears." She murmured, trying to stop herself from joining Garcia as she saw a tear roll down her cheek, she knew this would happen and if she started again, she wouldn't be able to stop. She didn't have it in her; she virtually hadn't slept for three days, her limbs felt heavy.
"How are you feeling?" Prentiss asked leaning into the bed, her eyes like a puppy's, wide and sad, her dark pink lips pulled into a thin line of worry.
"All the better for seeing you." JJ whispered, not even trusting her voice anymore as she felt the familiar lump in her throat, Emily took her other hand and squeezed it timidly.
Everyone fell quiet again. Presumably there were so many questions that both sides wanted answering but didn't dare ask. It didn't become an uncomfortable silence though; everyone just soaked up the other's company and appreciated it. JJ hadn't felt so safe in what felt like forever. She was with every single person she ever cared about in life. With a couple of exceptions...
"Oh sweetie we didn't mean to make you upset!" Garcia wailed slightly, wiping her own tears away. JJ didn't even notice the tears on her own face.
"No, no they're good tears, sort of." She replied back to her, trying her best to smile though feeling so fake in doing so. Reid leaned over from the end of the bed to her bedside table and grabbed a tissue handing it over, his own bottom lip trembling.
"Thanks." JJ took it appreciatively, dabbing her eyes.
"Have the doctors said anything more, about..." Morgan trailed off as he asked the question, realising that JJ probably hadn't even bothered to worry about herself the whole time she'd been in here. She gazed back into his smooth chocolate eyes, their usual cheekiness gone, it broke JJ's heart to know that she'd put that look on his face.
"They think my organs are healing up okay, they're fairly certain no more surgery, for now." She said quietly, looking back down at the soggy tissue in her palm, scrunching it in her fist. "They don't know how long yet til I'm out." She said again knowing that would be the next question, Derek nodded deep in thought. To be honest, she hadn't even thought past being in the hospital. She couldn't bring herself to look that far forward into the future. The pain in her body told her that it was good she was here.
"But apart from that, is everything okay?" Rossi asked, his voice soothing and warming. JJ turned her sight to him.
"Yeah, I'm okay." Her voice croaked. She felt her neck become stiff as her head continued to pound. Trying to move her pillow slightly so she could sit further up to see them all, she winced reflexively at the pain in her stomach. All hands immediately reached out to help her, everyone hovered off their chairs. Hotch was the first one to her, plumping them up for her slightly and making sure she was okay to move herself, JJ reluctantly let him do it for her. She muttered a thank you lovingly.
"I was going to bring you some flowers, but I saw how many you had the other day and I figured that it wasn't worth it." Emily said trying to lighten the mood, looking around.
"They're all beautiful." JJ hoarsely whispered. "Tell everyone thank you, I, I don't even know who they're all from really." She admitted slightly ashamed. Emily nodded, looking back at JJ's face.
After a while of idle chit chat, not wanting to get into anything too deep, and under strict orders from Hotch not to discuss anything work related, they all started saying their goodbyes one by one, promising to come back if and when JJ wanted them to, leaving her all sorts of offers for food if she felt like it, and more reading material. JJ's tears continued to spill as she acknowledged what an amazing group of people she had around her constantly, and for the first time in a while, felt lucky.
They were all leaving the room when Reid turned to Hotch from his spot on her bed, he looked up at his boss.
"Is it okay if I have a minute?" He asked innocently, his voice slightly croaky.
Hotch looked at JJ for a minute, trying to sense what was best.
"Sure." He responded eventually. "I'll be in the car, come out when you're done." He added and turned to leave, giving JJ a nod on his way out.
JJ was confused as she looked back at Reid. He had barely said a thing the half an hour that the team had been in here. No obscure facts, no statistics, nothing. It didn't feel like him. He brushed a bit of his light brown hair out of his face and behind his ear nervously.
"What's up Spence?" JJ questioned, it had only just hit her how much she missed him. Though she missed them all so much, Reid was like her brother. Someone she could pick on and talk to knowing he wouldn't tell anyone else. She glanced down at his socks and saw they were odd, smiling weakly at the stable patterns of her life.
Her old life.
She pushed through the tears that threatened to return after subsiding.
Reid blinked hard and swallowed, wringing his hands together. "I know it's a stupid thing to say but I just really want to make sure you're okay." He said gazing up at her with childish eyes, big with anxiety, the brown melting as he looked at her.
"Spence I'm-"
"Don't say you're fine. Please." He whispered, knowing her reaction straight away. "I know you too well, you probably think this is all your fault, everything."
JJ went to open her mouth and argue that point even though she barely had anything left in her to do it, but Reid held up his hand stopping her.
"No one can be fine after what you went through. And it's not your fault JJ." His eyes welled up. "This sick man did this to you, he did this to all those children, and their families. It was his life decisions that brought him, and you, to where he is today. But it is not your fault. I wish I could make you see that." When he had finished talking, he brushed his hand up quickly to wipe away the tear that had escaped from his long eyelashes.
"I'm getting there Spencer." She sighed, feeling like she was sinking into the bed in defeat, she had never been so tired in her life.
"Get better soon, I miss you already, everyone does." Reid said trying to ease the tension, smiling a little. "Even Hotch." He smirked a little at this remark.
JJ gathered up all her strength and returned the smile.
With that, Reid got up and kissed her delicately on the forehead. JJ flinched internally again at the contact, just like when they all came in to greet her, but remained steady.
"Great to see you." She uttered before he walked to the door, turning and waving to her on his way out.
A warmth spread through her body, just from seeing the people she loved so much, even though she still felt empty inside and broken beyond repair. The only glue that would ever be able to put her back together had all just walked out the door.
