A/N: So, here's a little shorter update than usual, but that means more updates.
Percy was standing near the statue of Snape at Half-Blood Hill. Dionysusman walked up to him.
"Wait," Percy said. "Where are Grover and Annabeth?"
"I asked them to come a bit later," Dionysus said. "I wanted to talk to you about something."
Percy immediately began looking for an escape route: it was never a good sign when adult wanted to say something like this, and especially not if that person was Dionysus.
"See, the thing is Percy," Dionysus said as a bunch of vines came up from the earth and bound Percy to the spot so he couldn't run, "I've realized that you are unpopular. And even more so than the other demigods. Have you seen that Youtube video about you?"
"Yeah," Percy said. "The one in which Luke tells me I need to become one with the Force?"
"Well yes, but have you seen the remake?" Dionysus said as he showed a parody video of the original video which included the song 'Yankee Doodle' in it. It had gotten ten billion views, which was a lot considering there were only seven billion people on the planet.
"That's just even more embarrassing," Percy said.
"It's alright," Dionysus said. "I began to learn of your predicament, and so I've embarked on a journey to help the social bottom-feeders of Camp Half-Blood, starting with you."
"How?" Percy asked.
"Like this," Dionysus said and pulled out a cereal box, except it had Percy's face on it. "I've released a new product, I call them, 'Percy-Os: They're Percy-licious!'"
Percy frowned. "They're Percy-licious? What's that even supposed to mean? Do they taste like me for some reason?"
"It doesn't mean anything silly," Dionysus said. "It just tells the kids its tasty." He then took out a camera. "So, I need you to say that line while holding them."
"Wow," Percy said. "This is my first cereal box commercial. I always knew this day would come, though probably after I'd saved the world several times."
Percy posed for the commercial, and said the line. Percy-Os would eventually become extremely popular as a Camp Half-Blood breakfast, but it turns out that Dionysus had used a blue dye that had been developed by Sally Jackson's company, and so it had caused various lawsuits and made Percy-Os the most infamous product ever.
But that would happen in several weeks. Chiron had also decided to join them for some reason. "So Percy, now that you're going on this quest, which you're obviously going to fail at, I just wanted to give you this."
Chiron handed Percy the toy lightsaber that he had used to attack that Furry, or Fury, you know, whatever back in chapter 2. Also, he handed Percy some gold coins. "Those are Greek drachmas, Percy," Chiron said.
"But weren't the original drachmas made out of silver, not gold?" Percy asked.
"Gold is always better than silver, Percy," Chiron said. "Just ask King Midas. Or Artemis Fowl."
"By the way, Percy," Dionysus said. "I know you're going on this quest and all, but I always want you to remember one thing: Kronos probably controls time, as well as many cellular networks. If you are ever in Hades, and your phone rings, do not pick it up like a total idiot."
"Uh-huh," Percy said, not really listening. By then, Annabeth and Grover had showed up.
"So, good luck, Percy," Dionysus said. "We all believe in you." Behind him, Chiron was talking to someone about finding a new job because where he was currently working was going to be incinerated.
As our three weirdoes- I mean heroes, were leaving, Luke came running up to them.
"Congratulations on your quest," Luke said. "I just wanted to give you these."
Luke handed Percy a pair of shoes.
"They're the running shoes, Percy," Luke said. "Just press the B button to start running."
"I don't think it works like that in real life, Luke," Percy said.
Luke scratched his head. "Maybe you're right. But I hope that they'll help you."
"Thanks Luke," Percy said. "I can always count on you to watch my back."
"Don't worry Percy," Luke said, while holding up a knife. "I've always got your backā¦"
A normal person would've noticed something sinister about this, but Percy wasn't really much like a normal person, so he just scampered off.
The three of them then took a bus. Now, the thing is, that Percy was almost guaranteed to fail, because of all the wrong pieces of advice that Chiron had given him, which included:
1. If you ever find yourself not knowing enough about a monster, feel free to Google its name. Don't worry, that's perfectly safe.
2. Remember, ambroisa and nectar are especially useful for healing. While taking them, make sure to drink as much as possible, because taking too much doesn't have any side effects.
3. Feel free to call monsters by their names.
All of this, combined with the fact that Chiron had taught Percy messed up things about the Greek myths all but guaranteed that Percy would say something wrong to the gods and get vaporized. As a matter of fact, 82% of all demigod deaths at Camp Half-Blood were due to misinformation that Chiron had given people.
They all decided to get on a bus, and the ride was pretty much uneventful.
"So, we've come ten miles and no monsters yet," Percy said.
"Quiet Percy," Annabeth answered. "Talking like that is bad luck."
"No it isn't," Percy said, forgetting what had happened to the Minotaur. He looked back to see three old ladies who he had been sure hadn't been there earlier.
"Why hello there, dear," one of them said, who looked vaguely familiar. "Are you going on a long trip?"
"Yes," Percy answered.
"Well, then, I hope you have packed enough food for it."
"Sure I do," Percy said. "I happen to have 1/67th of a sandwich pieces with me."
The old lady frowned. "You broke a sandwich into sixty-seven pieces somehow?"
"Sure," Percy said. "I broke it into half, then again into half, and then again into half, half again, half again, and finally a half of that."
"That makes 1/64th, dear," the old lady said. "You're not very good at Maths, are you?"
"No, not really," Percy said. "I mean, but it isn't totally my fault. My last Maths teacher was a crazy old hag."
By now, of course, you must have realized that the old lady was Mrs Dodds, and she took about four seconds to realize that Percy was talking about her before she attacked.
A/N: Sorry to end on a cliffhanger, but thanks for reading! Thanks for your review, lunarchroniclesandcockatiels! Please do review if you liked, and if you liked this sort of comedy, you might want to see my other fanfic, 'Impractical Jokers: Demigod Edition.'
