soo i personally love this chapter because i love Paul's insight into things.

i'm writing a short Author's note because it's well umm...12:30 a.m. lol and i kinda stayed up just to finish this haha

i hope you guys enjoy Paul's POV...and let me know what you think of it


On this bed I lay
Losing everything
I can see my life passing me by
Was it all too much
Or just not enough
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare

I will not die
I will survive

I will not die, I'll wait here for you
I feel alive, when you're beside me
I will not die, I'll wait here for you
In my time of dying

Time of Dying, Three Days Grace



Chapter 10

Pain

Right now, I hate being me. Finding out that I was a werewolf sucked. But finding out that I would have to break the heart of the one person I love most sucked so much worse. Yeah, I tried to convince Sam that Sammy wouldn't tell a soul about werewolves, but he still told me I had to do it. There is one way that I can avoid this and that's if I imprint on her. So what the hell am I supposed to do? What if I don't imprint on her? I'm just supposed to hurt her and act like I don't even care anymore? It's seriously nuts…but Jared and Sam seem to think it'll be easy because well, Sam did it to Leah and Jared already told Sammy he couldn't be friends with her anymore. They're both acting like everything is normal, like nothing's wrong. But I know better…

"I can't just hurt her Sam," I shook my head, "You're crazy if you think that I can just live with knowing that I broke her heart."

"It's the only way to keep her safe Paul," he looked at me with not even a hint of sadness or anything, it was sickening, "If you don't imprint on her then you have to do it."

I pounded my fist on the table and started to shake angrily, "There must be some other way-,"

"Dude, there is no other way," Jared has changed, a lot. Not only has he turned into a werewolf, but he's become more like Sam and he's basically friends with him now while I on the other hand still hate the guy.

I looked away from both of them and just shook my head furiously. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to phase soon, I really don't care if I do either. But I'm not too good at phasing back and I really don't feel like being stuck as a wolf all day. I took a couple of deep breaths and attempted to calm down.

"She's leaving…tomorrow," I couldn't fathom that fact right now. It was just like how I couldn't fathom the fact that I'm a freaking werewolf.

"So you have to do it today," Sam shrugged his shoulders casually.

I scoffed at him, "You really don't have a heart do you Sam?"

He rolled his eyes, "I had to do it and believe me it still hurts to this day," oh wow was that really supposed to cheer me up?

My body shook in fury and I clenched my hands into fists, "So how do you expect me to do it to her? I love her more than anything and we've known each other since we were kids. I can't just do this to her now, I can't leave her."

"But she's going to New York, it's not like you'll be seeing her any time soon," Jared out of all people said that. I couldn't believe how much he's changed. It's like he's forgotten who Sammy is. I couldn't believe it when he told me that he talked to Sammy and told her that he couldn't be her friend anymore. I wish I could've been there to kick Jared's ass...

"I'm pretty sure you're going to imprint on her though," Jared sat back in his chair.

I breathed slowly and thought about her for a moment. What if I didn't imprint on her? I still loved her and everyone expects me to just break her heart and let her go. Sure, Sam did it to Leah, but I don't understand how. If he really loved her then he would've tried to stay with her…I don't want to be Sam. I have to imprint on her.

"I hate this," I muttered to myself.

"Believe me I hated doing it to her too," it was the first time I ever heard Jared sound like he really meant it. He usually didn't talk about her at all. Which is why I thought that he turned into an ass, "Actually I miss her," my eyes widened in surprise at his words, "I don't know…it's just different now."

"Wow you're a genius. Maybe it's because hmm I don't know we're werewolves?" I smacked the back of his head and started to laugh. Jared could be a real idiot sometimes.

"That could be it," he chuckled and I completely forgot that Sam was still sitting there with us until he sighed.

"She's here," he said lowly.

Oh shit, I thought.

"How do you know?" I looked over my shoulder and stared at the door. I could smell a sweet aroma consuming of some sort of fruity scent and…rain.

"Her scent," Jared pointed out, "I recognize it too, from when I bumped into her in Port Angeles."

Shit, she's going to knock and I'm going to have to hurt her, I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I can't do this to her," I thought about how much I wanted to kiss her instead of break her heart. I wanted to tell her that I would call her instead of tell her that I never wanted to see her again. The only thing that could prevent me from doing that is imprinting. I could only think about what I would do if I didn't imprint on her though. The image of her crying was scarred into my brain.

And then, I heard four knocks on the door and I sighed.

"You have to," Sam insisted.

I glared at him for a moment. He seemed completely at ease. Like there was nothing bad about to happen.

"You'll imprint," Jared nodded, "I'm sure you will."

And on that note I composed myself to answer the door. Sam stared at me while Jared kept nodding in reassurance. I took a deep breath before I headed for the door. When I reached it I let my hand rest on the knob before I was able to build up enough courage to actually open it.

I could honestly say that I was afraid. I was afraid that she wouldn't be my soul mate and that fear made me stare at the ground instead of actually looking at her. But, out of the corner of my eye I could see that she was soaking wet and I just wanted to wrap my arms around her to keep her warm…but I couldn't. I looked over my shoulder and looked at Sam for a moment. I was kind of hoping that he would say something like, oh false alarm you don't have to hurt her, but no he just nodded. I glared at him again before I closed the door behind me.

I had to come up with something to say, anything. So, I said the first thing that came to mind, "Why are you here Sammy?" I said it in an angry tone. I would've rather have said I love you or something, but no I had to be an ass…I had to be Sam. He thought this would keep her out of harms way…well if she was in harms way then I would protect. I'd rather sacrifice myself instead of break her heart.

Yeah, it hurt pretty badly. I could tell that this was not going to be easy. I hate Sam…

"I came to say…goodbye Paul," she sounded like she was cold, really cold, "I'm leaving tomorrow."

My heart stung when she said that she was leaving tomorrow. Even though I knew that already it was still hard to hear her actually say the words out loud. I started shaking and I formed my hands into fists to try to keep myself from phasing now.

Ugh, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, "Good," I'm an ass now…

"W-What?" she stuttered. Well since she didn't hear what I said how about I say I love you instead of good.

This is stupid. I should just look at her. I need to look at her as much as I don't want to face the truth I have to.

I took a deep breath and slightly raised my head to look at her and when I did I stared at her face hard, searching for something, but…there was nothing. I looked at her harder and tried to imprint, but I didn't…I didn't imprint on her.

No, this isn't how things are supposed to be. I don't want to do this to her, I don't. I can't hurt her. I shook my head in frustration, why does this have to happen to me?

"I said good," my voice grew louder because I was getting frustrated with myself, but she'll think that I'm annoyed by her when in fact I still love her, "…I don't want to see you again. So it's good that you're leaving," I shut my eyes tight. I want to see her every day actually…and it sucks that she's leaving. I'm so tempted to say that right now.

I could tell that she was hurt. I knew it because I did it to her. And now I guess I'm an official part of the Quileute pack because apparently you're not a part of the pack until you completely shatter someone into a million pieces you know. First Sam, then Jared, and now I'm doing it. Yeah being a werewolf is awesome…

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her close hers, she always did this when she didn't want to cry in front of someone. But I couldn't comfort her, "I thought you wanted to try. You said that you would-,"

"I didn't mean it," I clenched my jaw so that I wouldn't say what I really wanted to say, "I didn't mean…any of it," I started to shake even more and I took a couple of breaths to calm down. I wanted to kill Sam for telling me that I had to do this to her.

She wiped her cheek, probably wiping a tear away, and then she quickly set her hand by her side again, "I don't understand, I thought everything was fine between us."

I know everything's fine so why do I have to hurt you? I hesitated to say the next part, "I don't love you, not-,"

"Please," she interrupted me, "Don't."

I stared at the ground and felt my heart completely drop. She sounded so hurt at that moment that I just wanted to say screw it and tell her that I was lying. But no, I had to be a jerk, "It's the truth," I said.

She didn't say anything for a while. I tried to stop myself from opening my mouth and saying what I really felt like saying. It was hard to just stand here and act like I didn't care anymore because what I was feeling was the exact opposite. It hurt to know that I didn't imprint on her because I really really wanted to. She's the only one that has touched my heart enough to completely own it and now I had to make it seem like she meant nothing to me. It just sucks…

She picked her head up and looked at me, "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me and I'll be gone, out of your life…forever."

I hesitated to do it because I knew that I would have to lie again and say that I didn't love her. My breath hitched because I knew this was it, she would be gone…and it's all because I'm a werewolf.

I slowly raised my head again and looked into her eyes…no I looked into her soul, into everything. She was everything, absolutely everything to me. She was my life, my love, my other half. She held my world into place now-, wait, I just…imprinted…holy shit….

How the hell-, no I looked at her before and didn't feel this way. No it can't be this way…I just hurt her…and then I imprinted on her…I wasn't supposed to hurt her if I imprinted on her. Oh god, no. I messed it up. What the freaking hell?! I'm an idiot!

I composed myself so I could say something, so I could tell her I did love her, "I-,"

She interrupted me by nodding and smiling in a fake way, "I know," she said, "You don't have to repeat it. It hurts enough already."

Please, God just let her hear me out, "Sammy-,"

"No, its fine," she started to walk down the steps, "You don't want me, I get it. So, lucky for you I'm leaving….I'll forget about you like you want me to. It'll be hard, but I can do it…"

No, I want you more than anything. I love you. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but for some reason the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. It was like someone was deliberately clasping my throat shut and pointing and laughing at me saying ha ha.

She stepped out into the rain and I was about the follow her when she turned around, "Goodbye Paul," her eyes started to water and then two seconds later she was gone, walking away from me for the last time. I imprinted on her, but it wasn't enough for her to stay. She didn't know because I completely broke her. Why I decided to just stare at her face the first time I looked at her and think that that would be enough to imprint I don't know. It's not like there's some manual on how to imprint on someone. I messed up, I'm an idiot because now I have to live without my soul mate forever. I have to try and live on without the one person who understands me the most.

I stood there for a minute just thinking about what just happened and thinking about how not only did I feel like shit, but I felt like my world was no longer in place. I felt empty because she was now gone.

Someone opened the door behind me, but I just stood there in shock and also because I didn't know what I was going to do.

"So?" Jared stood next to me and waited for my response.

"I imprinted," I mumbled.

"I knew it," he smacked my back, "Congrats man."

"I imprinted on her after I told her I didn't love her," I shook my head at how much I hated myself right now.

"Ok, never mind the congratulations then," He leaned against the wall, "How the hell did that happen?" he asked.

I sighed, "I was an idiot. I just looked at her face and thought that that was supposed to be it, that I was supposed to feel something then. So it made me think that I didn't imprint on her which is why I continued on and told her I didn't love her. But then she told me to look her in the eye," I closed my eyes, "And I did and then suddenly she was what was holding me to this earth. She was everything to me because I looked at her and this time I saw into her soul. I felt like I saw her for who she was instead of just seeing her face. I wasn't actually looking at her the first time I was just…I don't know looking."

He raised his eyebrows at me, "That kind of…doesn't make any sense at all," he chuckled.

I stared out into the rain, "But it does. It will once it happens to you."

"Hopefully," he sighed and I just kept thinking about how much I hurt her. I love her more than anything and now I have to live without her. I have to live with the fact that I broke her heart even though we're supposed to be soul mates.

I slammed my fist down onto the railing and it made the whole porch shake. I started to tremble uncontrollably and I knew that I would phase if I didn't calm myself. And yet, I didn't want to calm myself down.

"This never would've happened if Sam didn't force me to break up with her," I gritted my teeth.

"Come on, this isn't Sam's fault man-,"

"Shut the fuck up Jared! You're only taking his side because he's brainwashed you into believing that he's the only one that's right!"

"Brainwashed?! Really?!" He growled, "I sure as hell am not brainwashed! And yeah, Sam is right in this situation!"

I shook even more, "How is he right? He told both you and me to hurt someone that we care about. Yeah, that sounds completely ok to me!"

I could tell that Jared was shaking just as much as I was and soon enough Sam came outside and stepped in between the two of us.

"Shut up! Both of you!" he yelled. I rolled my eyes at him, he can't control me.

I glared at Sam, "I'm not listening to you Sam. I'm never going to listen to you."

He snarled, "You will if you know what's good for you."

I took a step towards him, "Listening to you only leads to shit like this."

"I told you to break up with her if you didn't imprint on her. And you did, so it's your mistake not mine."

I chuckled, "Yeah well I'm not the only one who's made mistakes before. I mean at least I didn't maul Sammy half to death."

He flinched and soon started to shake. I knew that that was something I shouldn't have said, but I was just pissed at him because this was his idea so whatever came to mind came out of my mouth as well.

"That was really low Paul," Jared said.

I snarled, ignoring his comment, "You're not my Alpha, so I refuse to follow you."

"You will," he stated, "When Jacob Black phases you'll follow him, but until then you're under my rule."

I scoffed, I never knew we were in the military, "Whatever," and then I ran down the stairs and into the backyard so I could finally phase. When I let myself explode into the giant grey wolf I immediately started to run and I let my feet lead me to wherever they wanted to go. When I'm a wolf and when I'm alone as a wolf I feel completely at ease and free and I feel like I can just let the time pass me by and think. So right now, before the other two phase, I want to think.

I picked up my speed a little bit and just ran in circles as I thought about everything, letting flashbacks from today roll through my mind. It didn't take me long to imprint and hell it didn't take me long to lose my imprint. It sucks to know that I can no longer see her; I can no longer be her best friend or her boyfriend, whatever she wants me to be. I mean looking on how long we've known each other for and how much time we've spent together just makes me feel that much worse about what happened today. I feel like nothing, like there's no more to live for…because really there isn't…

Before I knew it, I felt someone else phase and thankfully it was Jared. His mind was completely at ease and just filled with nothingness. I wish my head was filled with nothing, but good thoughts.

"God, you're depressing," he thought.

"Did you phase just so you could tell me that Jared?"

I could tell that he was looking into my mind to find out where I was heading and the place I was set on going to made him sigh, "What are you doing?"

"I need to see her one more time," I let an image of her right before she left go through my head so he could see it and when he did I heard him whimper.

"She looks terrible," he pointed out.

"I know," I sighed. Every time I picture her in my head I see her where she's about to cry and knowing that I'm the one who made her feel that way makes me feel even shittier than I already feel.

"It was a mistake; don't be so hard on yourself Paul."

My paced slowed down when I got closer to her house. I could smell her scent lingering around the property and when I could finally see the house I stopped. Jared wasn't too much farther behind me.

"It was a huge mistake. And it led to me hurting the one person I love most in this world."

Once I heard him getting closer I climbed one of the trees that were close, but not close enough that she could see me, to her room. I looked inside and immediately started whimpering at what I saw. There she was lying on the ground, crying because of me. I wanted to go in there and tell her everything would be ok. I wanted to be her shoulder to cry on, but how could I when I was the one who caused her to be in so much pain?

"Fate will bring her to you again Paul," a new voice, Sam's voice, said. I wasn't paying attention enough to care that he phased. I was too busy calling myself an ass.

I shook my head, "I can't do this. I need to apologize to her."

"How are you going to apologize when you're a wolf Paul?" Jared cringed at the sound of Sammy crying while I just sat in the tree, frozen. I couldn't look away from her, she just looked so helpless.

"I'll phase back," I came down from the tree and stood by Jared.

"You don't know how to phase back that well yet Paul," Sam's thoughts told me and Jared's let me see a mental image of me trying to phase back the last time I phased into a wolf. It was difficult, but I eventually managed to do it. Phasing into a wolf was a lot easier than phasing back into a human.

I growled, "I don't care, I need to tell her the truth! I can't live without her."

"Paul-,"

"No. Don't you dare try to stop me Sam," I focused on me being human. I tried to phase back, doing everything and anything I could and trying to do what Sam told me to do when I wanted to phase back.

"Paul, stop," Jared begged.

I thought about Sammy and only Sammy and I let everything about her consume my every thought. She's the only one I care about. I need to tell her that I love her.

"Even if you do phase back who says she'll believe you?" Sam asked, "She'll be confused Paul."

I let out a low howl, "But I don't want her to feel this way."

I hated having to see her like this and having to see her cry. She shouldn't have to feel like this. I could slightly hear her crying in her bedroom and I was so tempted to just burst through her door and comfort her.

"She'll be ok Paul," Sam reassured me, letting an image of Leah slip into his mind, but it soon faded away. I figured that I wouldn't make a comment on that, "You just have to believe that. You two are meant to be together, so some way you will see her again and she'll be ok."

For the first time ever I took Sam's words into consideration. For once I hoped that he was right because I did want to see her again. She means everything to me and I just want her to be happy…I want her to no longer feel pain and I want to be the one who takes the pain, that I caused her, away.

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