Chapter 11 Finding a pathway through.

"This is bliss. Another evening of just each other for company."

"Make the most of it as we won't get many of them when Simone is born. It will be many moons before she's invited to a sleep-over at her best friend's house! Are you warm enough? The heating has gone off so do you want me to put another log on the fire?"

"No, not on my account. I'm fine. Are you ok? Come and cuddle up instead of buzzing around. I'm sure there are no jobs that can't wait until tomorrow. It's only family coming for lunch. If we set to early enough we can get it all done with time to spare."

Caroline didn't need asking twice and within a few minutes she had joined Kate on the sofa, handing her a glass of bitter lemon.

"What are you drinking?"

"Same as you. I'm not drinking alcohol until you can."

"You don't need to do that on my account. It won't worry me."

"No, I don't want to. It will be good for my liver to have a break."

Kate stroked the back of Caroline's hand before holding it.

"Did it work?"

"What?"

"Drinking. Did it help? I couldn't drink, well didn't want to. Initially in case I was pregnant and then because I was but there were many nights when I was sorely tempted to see if it would help me cope without you."

"No. Alcohol didn't help. Whenever I sobered up I was still without you." She saw Kate's crushed expression. "Don't look so upset. I didn't drink too much, just too much, if you understand me. Apart from the night I went out with Gillian I was never incapable afterwards. But thank God those days are gone. Now we need to work out the future plans and not waste any more time on the past."

"Future plans. I like the sound of that! Which future plans shall we get to grips with tonight! We've sorted Simone's name, we've got engaged and found a house, all in two days! Shall we move onto world peace and the economy? With our problem solving ability we should be able to crack those small issues by January!"

"I would like to talk about the wedding. You up for that?"

"Am I up to talking about marrying the woman of my dreams? Are you serious? What did you have in mind?"

"Well, if we are serious about getting married before Simone appears, we have a very tight window. If we want to marry legally rather than enter a civil partnership we cannot do that until near the end of March and Simone is due week beginning 13th April, yes?"

"Yes, that's right, according to my dates and confirmed by the scan."

There was a moment of silence as memories of the day of conception hovered between them. Caroline gained some composure by sipping at her drink.

"What was it like?" The question that she dreaded to speak but which begged to be asked.

"I'd tell you how awful it was but the fact is that I don't doubt it was worse for you. I gave no thought to your feelings until … when… I can't imagine what possessed me to think that it was okay to be in a relationship with you but let someone else be with me. Fuck me. And me knowing what you think about sex. How special it is for you. You once told me that you never did casual. My worst ever decision." She touched her stomach. "I can't regret the result but I will never forgive myself for the process I chose."

"I tried to tell you what I thought about the idea but in my usual inept way I couldn't bring myself to say. I think I said something about trying to process the idea. I'd already processed it and hated the thought. It was nothing to do with Greg although he bore the brunt of my anger that day. I thought it sounded as if I was making excuses for you not to get pregnant."

"You sound very calm."

"Oh Kate I was anything but, then. It almost broke me that night when I couldn't rid myself of a mental picture of him on, in..with you. It was if I could literally hear you call out in pleasure, taunting me. I read up that orgasm might help conception and I knew you would know that too…."

"I didn't. I couldn't, not when he was….there. Neither did I let him kiss me, touch me any more than he had to. I used, I touched, I helped myself to get wet enough for him to, you know, without it hurting me. I think he liked watching me and that was enough to, um, to excite him so I didn't need to do anything to help. After he came I couldn't get him off me quick enough. I screamed at him to go. To leave me, the room. He put his clothes on and went. I think he was worried I'd turned into a mad woman and that I was going to accuse him of rape or something. After he left I cried and cried. I wanted to come, so I made that happen. 'La petite mort' is the French for orgasm, you know. It was exactly like that for me then. A little of me died that night, or so it seemed."

Caroline held Kate's hands tightly. No words were uttered for some minutes.

"What about Greg, now? Have you had any contact with him since?" tersely asked despite her best intentions.

"I sent him an e mail when I was twelve weeks so he knows that I am pregnant. He replied last week to wish me a happy Christmas and to say that he was pleased for me."

"Is he likely to want to have contact with Simone?" with fear in her voice.

"I don't think so. I have wondered if there are any steps that we can take to prevent that from happening."

"Okay. So that's another thing on our to-do list" headmistress mode once again.

"Caroline, sweetheart. Don't tuck this away to fester and do more harm later. Perhaps it will come between you and me. Perhaps between you and Simone."

"No, it won't. I won't let it. We won't let it. The whole thing nearly finished us. We won't let it do that. It was all shitty and we were both reckless and careless about each other's feelings but we know that. We have learnt from that. We are stronger now. Aren't we?"

Kate let go of Caroline's hands, which were marked where they had been so tightly held. She opened up her arms as if inviting her into a hug, which was accepted by a nod and Caroline moved quickly into her embrace. Kate raked her hands through Caroline's hair while kissing her neck.

"Correct. We are stronger now. Caroline, I am so lucky to have you. You truly are magnificent. God, I love you so much." She continued to stroke her lover's hair. "Can I can hear you purring?!" teasing, lightening the mood.

"I don't purr. Well. Maybe I do, just a little! But here's a choice we face. You either carry on doing that or we resume our discussion about getting married. I can't concentrate on both. Can we resume the conversation at least temporarily? I feel sure we are going to be asked some questions about our wedding plans tomorrow."

"Just a postponement on the stroking and the purring? Promise we can take this up again soon?"

Caroline laughed. "If you insist! You are such a hard task master. I'll have to raise my calorie intake to stop myself from fading away."

"Excuse me. I was talking about stroking and purring. How many calories does it take to lay there and purr?"

"If you think that I am going to let you stop at that, then you are delusional, Ms Mckenzie! Right down to practicalities." She pulled herself away and sat at the other end of the sofa. Kate looked glum and an exaggerated pout appeared. "Oh, okay just a small amount of touching still allowed." She lifted Kate's legs onto her lap and smiled as the pout disappeared.

They spent about an hour starting to make some plans. The actual touching remained minimal but their eye contact was dizzyingly tangible. Caroline and Kate remained certain that they wanted to marry properly under the new law and, realising that the school Easter holidays were to start on Friday 28th March, that weekend seemed workable, especially if they could book the wedding for the Sunday, giving them a day for final preparations. They both felt that they would be pushing their luck with a later date in case Kate went into labour early. In any case the nearness of the due date was a concern but couldn't be helped. It mattered to them that they were married when Simone was born, and although they were not sure, it was possible that this legal commitment might help quash any attempt by Greg to gain access to Simone.

They then moved on to discuss venue. Kate wondered if they could get married in the school chapel but they eventually decided that they would like the same hotel where Celia and Alan had married. It seemed fitting that their bond should be sealed where they had so gloriously reconnected. So, date and venue sorted, at least in theory.

"What's to stop us booking it tonight?" asked Kate excitedly.

Caroline looked at her watch. "I doubt that the wedding organiser is there at this time but any of the receptionists might be able to tell us if the venue is available that day. Shall I call them?"

"Please!"

Caroline had the number programmed in her phone so it was only a matter of moments before she was voicing the purpose of her call. Kate sat beside her, listening to Caroline with her fingers crossed. "It's years since I thought that this would make any difference! I can't believe I'm actually doing it now!" she whispered.

"He has gone to check the diary. Don't look so scared."

"Ok. Thanks for that." A big grin on her face told Kate the answer. "Yes I know Elspeth is the one I need to speak to; my mother married at the hotel on Christmas Eve. Can you put a note in the book for Elspeth to phone me tomorrow? Please, also, would it be possible for you to put a reservation in the diary for 30th March?" She sounded like an excited teenager. "I know you need a deposit but I can do that tonight by internet banking if you want." There was a pause in the conversation. "Ok. That's very good of you."

"Yes, it is Caroline Elliot. You have a good memory."

"Oh I see. I remember you too, then. Thanks for your help. Goodnight."

Caroline shut off her phone and grinned broadly at Kate. "Can you believe it? That was the twelve year old look-a-like who was on reception duty on Christmas Eve! Anyway as long as Elspeth, the wedding person, does not have an e mail booking that hasn't made it to the diary, you and I have a date and venue for our wedding!"

Kate practically screamed in delight as Caroline leaned over and kissed her.

"I don't know about you but I think that stroking and purring has been on the back-burner long enough. Come to bed. Please, I should say!"