she didn't care about much.
The exam not only hurt Olivia, but it destroyed Elliot. Every time the nurse touched her bruised body his partner flinched and closed her eyes in pain. Olivia was hurting so badly. She hadn't let herself feel the pain before, denying anything had happened. But now she was accepting it. She knew how bad she'd been injured. She could feel it.
Her tears finally came over the brim of her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks. Elliot sat next to her, his hands closed on hers, anger, fear, and sympathy engulfing him in one unbearably emotional moment. He wanted to personally wrap his hands around every man's neck who had violated her and squeeze until their eyes blew out of their heads. At the same time, he was terrified.
Here Olivia was, the strongest woman he'd ever known, struggling to keep composure. It scared him to see her like that. He wanted to do more for her. Anything to help. But he was only able to cling to her shaking hand as the nurse continued her humiliating exam. She looked him in the eyes, looking as if she wanted to say something. She didn't. She longed for the familiar comfort of his blue eyes. He didn't look away, stroking her hand gently.
"You're ok, Liv. You're alright."
She was being hurt. He could tell as she lifted her back up off the back of the table and closed her eyes, more tears following the trail down her face. He repeated those words over and over, hoping they'd alleviate the pain. She heard them, and it helped. With her eyes closed, he felt another wave of guilt wash over him as he saw her face.
Her nose was bruised, the deep gash in her cheek was held together by thin white bandages, and her left eye was blackened. If only he would have looked up when he'd left the club a lifetime ago, she wouldn't be here. She would be in New York where she should be safe.
Cragen and Fin checked into a hotel where they thought Olivia might feel comfortable. The captain took out his phone, the initial adrenaline gone from his body. Finding Olivia had been a rush of happiness and relief, but now he worried about what they'd done to her. He needed to know if she was really ok.
Elliot's phone rang just as the nurse was finishing up.
Olivia looked over at him, "I'll be right out."
He nodded, hesitant to leave her side. He got up and left the room, answering.
"Captain." He shut the door behind him and paced in the hallway.
"Elliot, how's she doing?" Cragen was worried.
Elliot could tell. "Uh - she's hanging in there. It's not good, Captain."
He didn't want to say it. He didn't think he could say it.
Cragen took a stance so he was sure he wouldn't collapse, and took a breath, "What have they found?"
"She was terrorized. The nurse found bruises all over her torso. God knows what else they did to her."
He swallowed, "She asked for a rape kit."
He heard silence on the other end. Cragen knew it had happened. He had known it all along, he just hadn't wanted to believe it was true. Nothing bad could happen to Olivia Benson, nothing.
"Is she ok?" He knew the exams were awful.
"I don't know." Elliot found Olivia exiting the room and began walking over to her, "I'll call you back."
He hung up, going to help her.
She shook her head, "I'm alright."
He looked down at his phone. An address.
"We've got a hotel room at the Holiday Inn. You're being released?" He asked her.
She nodded, forcing a smile. "Yeah. Only a rupture eardrum and broken nose."
He lost the words in his mouth and felt he could do nothing but take her into his arms again. She accepted the embrace, unable to cry anymore. Elliot whispered the only words he could manage.
"I'm sorry."
"Elliot, listen to me." She pulled away, knowing she needed to say this - knowing he needed to hear it.
"None of this is your fault."
She gripped both his arms, looking him straight in the eyes. He was paralyzed by her sudden change in tone.
"Do you hear me?" She asked.
He nodded slowly, "I could have done more to help, though."
She grinned a little, "Yeah. I suppose you could have."
He realized with great relief it was a joke. "Come on. Lets get out of here."
Fin was pouring a cup of coffee when a knock on the door signaled their detectives' arrival. Cragen stepped out of the bathroom and let them in.
"Hey." Fin said thankfully.
Olivia walked in first, limping slightly and moving stiffly. The detective handed his cup of coffee to her.
"Thank you." She gratefully took the cup into her hands and moved toward the open door con joining the two rooms, "I'm going to shower. I bet I look like hell."
Elliot shut the door and made his way to a bed, sitting and nodding. She disappeared.
Elliot spoke to her, "I packed a bag for you. It's on your bed."
She glanced over at the bed, so happy he had. She wanted nothing more than to be in her own clothes, clean again. "Thanks, El." She had the water scorching hot, standing under the spray for a long 15 minutes, washing them off her. How she wished she could wash them out as well.
"She ok?" Fin sat down at the desk in the room.
Elliot didn't respond. Cragen looked over at his other detective, silently communicating to let it be.
"She was beaten, raped." Elliot mumbled to himself as if in guilty astonishment.
Silence.
"She's so different. I've never seen her like -" he hesitated, "like this."
Cragen nodded slowly.
Fin sat back, "She's still Olivia."
Olivia got out of the shower and examined herself in the mirror. That's you, she thought. No matter what they did, they didn't break her, she decided. She was going home to get her life back to the way it should be. She shook her head, leaning heavily on the sink with both hands. She closed her eyes, the throbbing pain bringing back that night.
:::
She struggled, but she was no match for their strength. When she came to, Alexi was holding her hands above her head as Marco pummeled her, yet another man standing to the side, stroking his own length. She cried out loudly as he finished in one painful thrust and jerked inside her. Her first tears rolled down her face as she kept her eyes on the dark wall.
When Alexi traded places, roughly taking his turn, the pain tore her apart. The spots in her vision grew larger and darkness beckoned. She slipped out of consciousness, coming to finding Alexi still on her. She slipped in and out of the darkness during Marco and the other man's second turns. Her lower body was on fire, and the room reeked of blood, sweat, and vile fluids. She wanted to die.
:::
Olivia raised her eyes to look at herself in the mirror. She took a shaky breath before slipping into soft shorts and a T-shirt. It was going to be a long road to get back to where she was before this. But she knew she had to take it. She would get through this - so she hoped. After turning off the light in the bathroom, Olivia let her wet hair out of its towel.
The cool water against her face felt good, so she combed it and left it wet. Even though she had taken a scorching hot shower, she still felt dirty. She felt them on her, within her. It was impossible to wash them away completely. Another deep breath. She was still trying to convince herself that she was safe - they couldn't hurt her anymore.
She dug in the bag Elliot brought before glancing to the bedside table. There it was. Her phone. She reached for it and turned it on. 15 missed calls, 27 texts, 40 emails. With a small smile, Olivia let herself accept the fact that New York still needed her. It was waiting impatiently for her to get back to her job that she was so good at. She wanted to be with her friends, and she opened the door to the room.
Elliot perked up, "Hey." He said softly.
She moved to sit down on the chair opposite Fin.
"Feel better?" Cragen asked, hoping to he her voice again.
"Yeah." She nodded, holding the cup of coffee Fin had given her.
"We're planning to fly out tomorrow. You feel comfortable flying?" Cragen questioned, aware she'd been flown against her will only days before.
Olivia's breath hitched in her throat as she remembered the blurry flights.
She swallowed and nodded again, "Just as long as you don't drug me."
Fin smiled a little, "Promise."
The short-sleeved tshirt she now wore exposed her inked arm and the bandage covering the area where the nurse had retrieved an RFID chip.
"Finally got inked." Olivia noticed them staring.
She examined it herself. "That's a lot of girls."
She spoke more to herself than to the others.
Cragen nodded, "Big business here."
She met his eyes, "It's awful - degrading to be treated like property."
Slight anger was laced in her voice as the words left her mouth. The room fell silent again. What do you say to that? They didn't know what it was like; they had never experienced it. No one knew what to say. How could they help her when they didn't know what had happened.
After sitting in silence for a few moments Elliot got up and announced he was going to bed. Olivia followed him, feeling her eyes closing as she finally felt the warmth and company of hospitable human beings.
"Goodnight, Liv." Cragen put his arms around her briefly.
She brought in his scent, the little things that made him her captain.
"Night, Liv." Fin did the same, as did she.
In the mere darkness of the room, Olivia reached for a softer T-shirt to sleep in. Elliot stood behind her with his eyes on her back as he slipped his shirt off and got ready for bed. His heart broke when he saw the welts, still raised and angry red covering the majority of her tanned back. What had they done to her?
