Hello again. I'm sorry I've kept you all waiting, but my life has been unbelievably stressfull these few months- I have very important exams coming up and, dare you believe it, have someone in my life who now occupies my evenings. And frankly, there are things that are much, much better than writing fanfic to do in the nightime ;)
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it anyway. There won't be anything coming up soon, I can tell you that, but in approximately two months this hell will be over and then I'll have some more time. Have fun!
Harry sat gloomily and thoughtful on the windowsill, gazing out onto the lake. The attempt to wheedle the memory out of Slughorn had been an unmitigated disaster. And since there was only so many times one could hear Hermione say 'I told you so', he had retreated to their quarters after dinner.
Snape entered their quarters, about a dozen parchment rolls under his arm. He glanced up at Harry and scowled darkly. Harry swallowed. He had not forgotten that Dumbledore had instructed him to tell Snape as little as possible- that Snape was not to know. It was not without a certain irony, Harry mused, that now, finally, that Snape had declared his allegiance to the light, that Dumbledore started to withhold information from him. He could understand that Severus was furious.
There was a moment of silence as Snape settled down in front of the fire, as usual, for his post-dinner marking session. Harry continued his pensieve gazing. Maybe he should attend one of those horrible parties, maybe it would soften the man up-
"How did it go?" Severus asked abruptly. Harry suppressed a smirk.
"Fine. Dumbledore gave me a task," he said, staring out at a few younger students emerging from greenhouse two. From up here, they were about the size of ants. Harry touched a finger to the cold glass and shivered. Dusk was approaching outside. "Though I think I might have messed up a bit."
"I hope for our all sake that you are applying yourself more than in our Occlumency lessons," Snape grumbled. That stung. Even more so in the light of his recent failure.
"I'm doing my best," he answered scathingly, finally turning away from the window and gazing at Snape, who had his back to him. "And it's not like you were the perfect teacher, what with all the shouting. Besides, Dumbledore reckons Voldemort will keep clear of my head now-"
"DON'T say his name," Snape hissed angrily. "Arrogant twit!"
"What's your problem?" Harry demanded, standing up and walking up to the hearth, into the light and faced Severus. "Look, it's not my fault Dumbledore said you can't know what we're talking about-"
"My problem is that I am married to an arrogant little snot, who puts himself constantly into danger, without thinking of the consequences and thinks that his luck will get him out each and every time."
"I am not arrogant!" Harry felt angrier with Snape than he had in a long time. He thought Snape had finally understood, finally seen him as him-
"Of course you are! Flaunting about the castle, walking about the grounds alone and unsupervised, throwing the Dark Lord's name around as though it was some kind of triviality, without even a modicum of respect-"
"Respect?" Harry thought he must have misheard. "That bastard killed my parents and you want me to respect him?" He felt his hands tremble and saw Snape's eyes flash in the firelight. His mouth was set in a thin, tight line and Harry could barely believe it was the same that had given him such pleasure the night before.
"You think you can but hold a candle to him, boy?" Severus hissed at him, the scrolls rolling from his lap, forgotten. "The Dark Lord would skin you in seconds!"
"Well, he hasn't yet," Harry retorted, though he knew that was a weak argument. Snape sneered at him and he hurriedly continued."I know I'm not as powerful as him, or as smart- I'm not even as smart as Hermione, or you- But he hasn't killed me yet and Dumbledore has a plan-"
"'Dumbledore has a plan'" Snape mocked him and his tone reminded Harry so much of Bellatrix that he actually felt the hair on his neck stand up in disgust. "So, is that it, Potter? Going to hide in a greater man's scheme? Wise move, and yet you pretend to be his equal, challenging him with every word-"
"He murdered my parents!" Harry roared. "He took them away from me! D'you think I wanted this? Any of this?" He waved an irate hand, encompassing all of his life. "What do you want me to do, then? Run and hide from him? Or would you rather I crawl at his feet and kiss his robes, like his faithful little Death Eater scum-" Harry saw Snape's nostrils flare in fury and felt a stab of sick satisfaction. "and grovel at his feet?"
Snape rose from his chair, dark and menacing. "Potter-" he started and that, more than anything, hurt Harry. "It is a fools errand. You cannot best the Dark Lord. And it would be best if you acknowledge the fact now, before it is to late."
"So you reckon I should give up?" Harry asked incredulously.
"I suggest you learn some humility," Severus said, anger still suffusing his words. "And realize exactly which magnitude the forces you are dealing with are."
"I know that," Harry growled.
"Do you?" Snape scoffed. "If you truly did, you would not dare to use the Dark Lord's name!"
"I will not give him the satisfaction!"
"This is not about you pathetic pride- It's time you learnt your place, boy!"
"Oh, he tried to teach me that," Harry seethed. "Voldemort." Snape flinched.
"In the graveyard, two years ago. He wanted me to beg. Put the Imperius on me and tried to force me to plead for mercy. I didn't do what he wanted me to then and I am not starting now."
"Very impressive, Potter. So you have learned to throw off an Unforgivable. Yet the Diggory boy still died."
Now it was Harry's time to flinch. "I know that! I know it's not enough, I- I know he will kill me, alright? Probably. Eventually. I really don't need you to remind me! But if- I'm not going down doing what he wants me to. I refuse to- to- let him make me! I won't."
Harry realized he had raised his voice. His breathing was laboured and he wiped his brow, suddenly self-conscious under Snape's heavy stare. "I won't," he said again, as firmly as he could.
"Foolish boy," Snape said, softly, but Harry had enough. Bitterly, he thought that this was not how he had imagined this evening to go. In his fantasies, there had been no yelling, no talk of his death. But obviously, it was not meant to be.
He lay on his side in bed, staring at the dark. He saw himself again, in the graveyard, Voldemort raised his wand, his red eyes glinting maliciously- and then he died. He imagined his body falling lifeless to the ground in a flash of green, his eyes as empty as Cedric's had been- was that what Snape saw, every time he thought of Harry's future? A sharp pain twisted in Harry's chest, and he pulled his knees higher. Bitterness welled up in him. He was inadequately suited for the task, despite everything. Yet he knew he had to try. It had to be him- Voldemort had marked him as his equal and neither can live while the other survives. Harry choked quietly and tried to draw a deep breath, but his throat refused to cooperate.
"Harry?" The bed dipped behind him and he turned his head reflexively. Snape was looking at his with a worried expression and just a hint of guilt. Harry turned his head back.
"Goodnight, Snape."
Silence. Then Snape shifted and Harry thought he heard him open his mouth. First nothing, then a sigh.
"Harry, I- I did not mean to cause you distress." The words sounded painfully stilted and Harry snorted derisively.
"It's fine. Goodnight."
"Harry." Harry concentrated on breathing. Slow, regular breaths. In and out. Slowly. "Harry. Look at me, please."
Not knowing how to refuse without seeming utterly childish and petulant, Harry rolled over on his back. Snape was propped up on one elbow, his chest bare. Hesitantly, he reached out to touch Harry's arm. Harry flinched away.
"You don't have to do this." Snape whisked his arm back, hurt flitting across his face. Harry flicked his gaze towards the tapestry above him.
"Do what?"
"Touch me. Be with a dead man. 'Cause that's what I am to you, right?" Harry laughed, but the sound barely made it past the blockage in his throat. "Or is this pity? Want to get the Boy Who Lived a fuck while you still can?"
Damn, it hurt. As though a cramp had sealed off his airways. "I'm not stupid. Neither can live while the other survives, and the odds are against me. I know that." He drew a deep breath. Snape seemed to be frozen next to him.
"But I have to try, right? Even, even if-" Air eluded him again. Snape's scrutiny was too much and he rolled around again, fighting silently with his lungs for them to expand, damn it- he was getting dizzy, he vision was blurring-
"No! Harry, no-" And there was a strong, hot arm, clamping around his chest, pulling him back and Severus was clinging to him, his face in the crook of Harry's neck. Harry grabbed his arm and held on, gripping so tightly it must have hurt. To his horror, he felt a sob rising in his throat, and he couldn't do a thing to stop it. When it escaped his lips he felt the horrible tightness of his chest loosen, instead contractions were rocking him, and he gasped again and again, forcing much needed oxygen down his airways. Snape was rocking him, holding him tight, small soothing movements back and forth and his neck was wet were Severus was still hiding his face-
"I will not let you die," Snape's voice was muffled and Harry barely heard him over the sounds of his own laboured breathing. "I will not let you die, do you hear me!" Now Snape shook him, forcing Harry to look at him. His black eyes were hard to discern, but they were deep and slightly crazed.
"You will defeat him! You will accomplish whatever task Albus has set for you and then you will face the Dark Lord. And I will be with every single step of the way. And then the snake-loving abomination will die. Do you understand me, Potter?" He shook Harry again, his gaze burning into Harry's. "Do you understand me?"
Dimly, Harry was aware of the small droplets of spit that speckled his face. "Y- Yes." His breathing slowed, the small voice inside his voice that was telling that just because that was what Severus wanted to happen, didn't mean that it actually would, slowly fading. Then- "I like snakes, too."
For a moment, Severus looked down at him, perplexed. Then his feature s dissolved into a painful grimace and he barked a laugh. He buried his face against Harry's shoulder, shuddering. Harry cupped his head absently and waited for him to calm. When Snape's breathing was less erratic, he got his left arm from under Snape and, putting it around him, gently pushed him lower until Snape's head was pillowed on his chest. Snape wrapped an arm around him. Harry, in turn, grasped his arm again, and threaded the other into Severus' long hair. And held on.
Rain was pelting down, but Harry did his best to ignore it as he whizzed past the stands, on lookout for the snitch. He circled the pitch, behind the Gryffindor hoops that Ron was guarding faithfully, then across the stands. The commentary was hard to hear over the roar of the wind, but from the snatches Harry heard, Gryffindor was leading by a few scores. He was freezing, stiff and annoyed with his glasses and wanted the game to end. As he soared above the game, he saw the Ravenclaw seeker nearly blow against the stands, barely managing to keep her broom under control. Still, no sign of the snitch.
Dimly, he heard the roar of the crowd as the Ravenclaw Chasers shot towards the goalposts in tight formation. He circled the pitch once more, his Firebolt fighting against the wind. So far, the team was prevailing bravely, but they couldn't last much longer in this weather. Harry quietly swore to himself as he avoided a bludger.
"Get a move on, Harry!" Ron yelled at him as he passed the goalhoops again.
"I'm trying," Harry bellowed back, but he doubted Ron heard him. Keeping an eye on the Ravenclaw Seeker, Harry sped upwards, circling the game from above and watched as Ravenclaw scored. A flurry of movement caught his attention- the Ravenclaw Seeker had moved. Harry sped after him, furiously looking for what had caught his attention. They sped towards the ground, Harry rapidly gaining- There! He accelerated even more- Thompson wasn't feinting, the Snitch was hovering near the foot of the Slytherin stands. Harry urged his broom forward, the cold rain pelting his skin, the roar of the wind louder than everything else. Thompson and him were now neck to neck, the Snitch flitting about nervously- then it veered upwards and Harry pulled up sharply, his toes hitting the wall of the stands. Thompson was good, still there next to him, Harry could see the tight grip the seventh year had on the handle of his broom. And yet, Harry was faster, he stretched his arm, fingers grasping-
They shot above the stands together, Harry holding his hand victoriously over his head- The crowd roared, the Gryffindors mad, waving and cheering, but already scampering to leave the stands and the pouring rain. All the other houses didn't even bother, the stands already emptying. Shivering, Harry shot downwards.
"B-b-brilliant, Harry!" Ron slapped Harry on his back, teeth chattering as they reached the ground and ran for the changing rooms. Once inside, the whole of the Gryffindor team fell into the celebratory group hug. Harry whooped, releasing the Snitch, which whizzed around the changing room. Someone turned on all the showers and soon steam filled the cabin. Harry shoved a laughing Ron under the stream of water, still laughing as he coughed around a mouth full of water.
Stripping under the shower, he chucked his wet robes at Coote, their newest Beater and could hardly believe life was anything but good.
They made their noisy ascent to the Gryffindor common room, where they were greated by a loud roar. Harry had barely entered the common room when a bottle of butterbeer was pressed into his hand and Romilda Vane pulled him onto a couch.
"Congratulations, Harry," she purred, batting her eyelashes at him. Harry noticed she wore heavy mascara, something Ginny never had bothered with.
"Thanks," he said awkwardly, taking a long gulp out of his bottle, the butterbeer warming him just so.
"That was really amazing what you did out there," she purred, pressing herself along Harry's side. Harry tried to discretely budge away.
"Er, thanks," he said, taking a nervous swig out of his bottle. "The team played really well, though, too."
"Harry!" Hermione breezed over and pulled him in a hug, unceremoniously disturbing Romilda's personal space. The girl leaned out of the way as Harry pulled Hermione closer, laughing.
As they separated, Hermione pulled him to his feet. "Come on, let's go over to the others!"
"Thanks, Hermione," Harry said in a low voice as the hurried towards the group around Angelina and Katie, who where reliving some of their better passes during the game.
Hermione clinked her bottle against Harry's. "Some people just can't take a hint," she said archly. Harry grinned at her.
In the corner, Seamus began singing raucously and Harry joined in when he recognized a muggle song. The party went on, until someone set off a set of fireworks. Many people fled shrieking to their dormitories as the fiery dragons and comets whizzed overhead. Ron fell off his armchair, laughing as Cormac McClaggen fell smack on his face as he tripped over an empty bottle.
Finally, only the sixth and seventh years remained, as well as a fifth year girlfriend.
"To sex, drugs and rock and roll!" Seamus roared, raising his bottle, causing giggles across the remaining crowd.
"Sex, Quidditch and Rock and Roll!" Harry amended, sprawling in front of the fireplace. He had lost count of how many butterbeers he had, but it couldn't have been much more than five. Or six. The fifth year girl giggled again from under the arm of her boyfriend and Hermione gave him a good-natured shove.
"I'm glad you have your priorities sorted," A silky voice sounded across the room and Harry jumped so much that he nearly fell into the fireplace. The fifth year squealed as Snape emerged from the shadows near the portrait hole.
"S-Sev!" Harry tried to scramble to his feet, but since Ron was resting his head across them and Hermione was leaning on his chest, it was proving difficult.
"No need to get up, Mr Potter," Snape purred when Harry finally disentangled himself. "Your pet was getting restless." Snape stretched out his arm and presented Leila, who was coiled around it.
"Hello," Harry hissed, vaguely aware of Angelina's mouth falling open at the sound. Leila smoothly glided over to his arm and Harry pressed his forehead against hers gently. "Are you alright?"
Yes. Are you? Your mate woke me up and carried me here.
A startled laugh escaped Harry. "Yeah, I'm fine." He gave Snape a sly grin. "Do you think he wants me to come home?" He noticed Snape shifting his weight from one onto the other foot.
I neither know nor care. Leila sounded disgruntled. She arched towards the fire, causing Seamus to flinch away. I was having a good dream.
"Snake fetish," Ron remarked from his comfortable position on the floor. Harry gave him the finger and Ron laughed.
"Congratulations on Gryffindors win," Snape said, eyeing the bundle of people lying on around the fireplace. "Perhaps it is time for the victorious players to retire." They all scrambled to their feet, muttering their excuses and good-nights. Dean winked at Harry and mouthed 'Have fun' when Snape wasn't looking. Severus raised an eyebrow at Harry's blush.
"Were you watching?" Harry asked Severus as they exited the portrait hole.
"All Quidditch matches are, unfortunately, mandatory," Severus answered stiffly and Harry grinned.
"So you wouldn't have shown up otherwise?" He asked teasingly. Severus huffed. "Naturally not. Quidditch is an atrocious game with an unsensibly high injury rate."
Harry guffawed, not really listening. "So what was Leila doing anyway that you had to bring her over?" Harry asked in his best innocent voice.
"She was slithering to and fro in front of the fire," Severus lied smoothly. If Harry hadn't known he was lying, he would never had known. "I suspected she missed you, thus I brought her."
"Aha," Harry said non-committally, stroking Leila. "Really. And here I thought was you who missed me."
"Well, you do have the merit of keeping the bed warm."
"Really? Is that the only thing I'm good for?"
"When you put your mind to it, you can be very handy at tidying my possesions."
"Oh, stop it, you. You're making me blush."
"I'd say," Snape dead-panned. "It's not every day I so readily hand out compliments." He opened the office door and gestured for Harry to precede him. "While I officially did not notice any of the empty bottles in your common room, may I inquire how much you had to drink?"
"Oh, I don't know," Harry said cheerfully, flopping down on the sofa, on leg dangling over the armrest. "Not much, just butterbeer."
"I see. Given your affinity to alcohol, even butterbeer should suffice."
"Yep," Harry agreed cheerfully, helping Leila down to the hearth.
"Marvelous. However, in the spirit of scientific enquiry, I do wonder-" Harry looked at Snape at the change of tone. He saw Snape's eyes glittering at him and suddenly felt very warm. He gulped when Severus advanced and leaned over him, bracing his arms on the couch. For a moment, Severus simply looked at him, their faces inches apart, Harry's breath coming in short little huffs, then Severus leaned down and pressed a kiss to Harry's lips. It started out gentle enough, but then turned hungry as Snape pressed Harry into the sofa, tongue plundering as though determined to gauge the amount of alcohol imbibed by residue from Harry's mouth.
When they broke apart, Harry was breathing heavily, his hands buried in Snape's hair. He jumped when Snape cupped him through his trousers.
"Still in working order," Snape purred and rubbed, causing Harry to harden further.
"Why, were you worried?" Harry asked breathlessly. Severus hummed, his lips almost brushing Harry's, yet not quite touching.
"I was wondering wherever you wanted to have a proper celebration tonight," Severus murmured and Harry felt his words against the skin of his cheek. "I have taken the liberty of preparing myself before it occurred to me my efforts might have been for naught." Snape inhaled in Harry's hair, rubbing his nose against the messy strands.
"Prepared?" Harry asked, his voice deeper than usual, almost hoarse. Severus' hand kept up the leisurely, light rubbing, entirely too distracting.
"Hm," Severus purred into Harry's hair. "I have cleansed myself, so to speak. I find it can cause the resulting the sensations to be more- intense. And it is less likely to produce a mess."
"What do you mean cleansed- Oh!" Harry felt his blood rush downward. "You- you- you want me to top again?"
"It would bring me great pleasure," Severus moved to Harry's ear and began playing with it, gently, using only his lips.
"Oh," Harry said breathlessly, losing track for a moment. "I- I liked it, too, last time, it's just- wouldn't you like to top? I- I mean," Harry fumbled for words, Severus' caresses utterly unhelpful,
"-I'd like to bottom with you. Sometime. If- if you like. If you'd- um. You know. Want to."
Snape moved to Harry's neck, pressing dry kisses to Harry's overheated skin. "Oh, I'd like to, Harry. I'd like to bury myself in your tight, hot arse until you come screaming my name." Harry gulped.
"But not tonight." Something about Snape's tone caught Harry's attention, yet Snape still seemed busy kissing Harry's neck.
"Tomorrow?" Harry asked hopefully. Personally, he'd prefer today, but Snape seemed set on that.
"We will have a talk tomorrow," Snape said carefully. "If you still wish me to proceed then, you shall get your wish. For now-" Severus leaned up again, gazing down at Harry. "Shall we retire to the bedroom?"
"Yes, we shall," Harry croaked and let Severus pull him to his feet. Some time later, when Snape lowered himself onto Harry's cock and Harry thrust up into him, there was nothing in his world except Harry and the man he loved.
Severus waited for Harry to return from breakfast. He looked out of the windows behind Harry's desk. He exhaled, trying to calm the roiling in his stomach. And so his happiness must end once more. Harry would hate him, again. It was all Severus could do was cling to the hope that Harry would forgive him. But he could not honestly keep denying Harry to take their relationship further before he had not told Harry the truth. Because Harry would one day know it. Someone would tell him who exactly was responsible for his parents death. And if Harry ever heard this from someone else than him, there would e no going back. And for the first time in many years, Severus actually wanted something to work on the long term.
Behind Severus, the door opened.
"Hey!" Severus closed his eyes and touched the cool glass one last time as he heard Harry come up behind him. When he felt the hand at the small of his back, he turned around, covertly avoiding the touch.
"Lets sit;" he said, gesturing towards the armchairs in front of the fireplace. Harry's smile faltered. "Is something wrong?"
"We have to talk,"Snape said, settling down in his own chair, facing Harry.
"I have something to tell you." He watched as Harry's face lost all of it's previous cheerfulness.
"Has something happened?" Harry asked, fear clouding his voice.
"No," Severus hastened to placate the boy's worries. "No, nothing has happened. There is simply something I must tell you- about my past."
Harry nodded. "Alright," he said cautiously.
Severus took a deep breath. "You are aware of the the prophecy made about you and the Dark Lord," he began with a feeling of dread. So here it was. He was sealing his own fate. Anticipation tingled down his spine. "Do you know who made that prediction?"
Harry nodded, still wary. "Yeah. Trelawney. Hard to believe."
Severus nodded. "Yes. When she made the prediction-" He stopped again, unsure of how to phrase it. "At the time I was still a follower of the Dark Lord. Even there, I was somewhat of an outcast- I was young, having taken the Dark Mark only months before. I was more than a year older than you are. Perhaps two. The Dark Lord had me brewing potions, experimenting with dark magic and ingredients I could have never gotten my hands on otherwise. It was through his connections that I could attain my Mastery. It would have been unaffordable to me otherwise. And even then, I was a spy. I listened for him at doorways, around corners, watching through the windows what his enemies were doing." Harry was listening, eyes wide. As Snape paused, Harry swallowed and blinked.
"That- that doesn't sound so bad," he said in a small voice.
"Perhaps not, in comparison." Snape took a deep breath. "One night, the Dark Lord ordered me to investigate who Albus Dumbledore would hire as the new Divination Professor and determine wherever or not that person would be a threat to our cause."
Harry sat motionless, only his eyes following Severus as he leaned forward, determined to keep looking at Harry. "On that night, I bribed the bartender at the Hogs Head to tell me where and when the headmaster would be meeting his applicant. And I snuck upstairs and listened to Trelawney, to my delight and horror, I heard her make the prediction that there would be one with the power to defeat the Dark Lord. I listened, and immediately reported back to the Dark Lord."
Harry's eyes were now impossibly wide behind his round glasses. He sat there, frozen, while Severus forced himself to resume his horrible tale.
"And then he targeted Lily." Severus could no longer bear Harry's unmoving gaze, so much like his mother's- "I loved her," he whispered brokenly. To his chagrin, he felt moisture pool in his eyes, but it was of no consequence. The horror in the boy's eyes spoke volumes. "I pleaded with the Dark Lord to spare her- he laughed and crucioed me in return. So I turned to Dumbledore. I begged him to protect Lily, all of you if he must, to keep you safe- The headmaster asked me what I would do in return for her protection. That night, I swore myself to the order. I vowed to do anything I could to keep them safe. It was not enough. I failed Lily."
Silence. Horrible, crippling silence. Severus wrenched his gaze from the floor from where it had fallen to and forced himself to look at Harry. The boy hadn't moved. Then, a tremor went through him and he slowly stood. Severus watched in apprehension as his right hand slowly went to his robes. "You." Harry voice was hoarse and disbelieving. "You killed my parents."
Severus felt his face screw up at the accusation. "Yes," he whispered. "I am responsible for their deaths. But, Harry," He gazed up at Harry's face, desperate, reaching out with one hand- Harry jerked away violently. "Don't touch me!" Harry's voice was higher and more ragged than Snape had ever heard it. Snape let his hand fall back down, defeated.
"As you wish," he said hoarsely. "But I beg of you, Harry, to believe me, that betraying your parents is the single greatest regret I have. If I could trade my life for you mothers, I would."
Harry laughed, the sound bitter. "But not for my father's life?" Severus cringed. Harry laughed again, choking slightly on the sound. "I thought so. And you- and I- we- we had- and I thought-"
"Forgive me, Harry," Snape whispered.
Harry choked, his face reddening and he seemed to be unable to draw breath. Concerned, Severus reached out again, hoping to somehow calm the young man-
"DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU MURDERER!"
A trembling wand-tip was inches from Severus' face before it was whisked away and Harry ran from the room. Severus sat there frozen, staring at the door in silence.
Hours later, he was roused from his thoughts by a knock to his door. Lowering the brandy sifter, he gazed at the door to his office accusingly. "Yes?"
The door cracked open and the cavalry appeared, in form of the bushy haired Granger girl and the red-headed Weasley. "Professor Snape?"
"Miss Granger, Mr Weasley," Snape answered, not bothering to stand. Even to his own ears, his voice sounded dead.
"Professor, have you seen- Are you alright?" Granger's concerned voice drifted through the room.
"I am fine, Miss Granger. If you are looking for your friend, he is not here."
"Oh. Do you know where he went? We didn't see him at dinner-" She had that carefully monitored tone that suggested to Severus that they had looked everywhere, but were unable to find him.
"He has not told me where he was going. He left our quarters this morning and has not returned since."
"Professor, did- did something happen?" Finally, Snape lowered himself to actually look at his visitors. The two students were standing closer than he had anticipated, Granger looking concerned, Weasley curious.
"That is none of you business, Miss Granger. Is there anything else?"
He watched the two of them exchange a look, Weasley nodding slightly. Then Granger turned back to face him. "Actually, sir, Harry has borrowed my notes on Transfiguration and I really need them back to complete my essay-"
"I will not allow you to rifle through another pupil's possessions while he is absent," Snape snapped, for the first time in this conversation feeling something akin to annoyance.
"But sir, this is really important! And you know Harry, he wouldn't mind if I take them back, he trusts me!" Her imploring gaze bored into Snape's and he heaved a sigh, getting up for the first time in hours.
"Very well."
Snape stood over them as the girl quickly shuffled through the stacks of parchment on the desk, then bent down to open Harry's school-bag. Further shuffling ensued and Snape huffed in annoyance, wishing she would finally steal what she really wanted and leave.
"Got it!" She said finally, holding up a stack of parchment. Snape eyed them critically, failing to comment on how they were written in Potter's handwriting and seemed to concern location charms rather than Transfiguration.
"Very well," he said, gesturing towards the door. "You know the way out." Feeling unsteady, he made his way back to his armchair. Behind him, there was a moment of silence, then the hurried shuffling of feet as the Gryffindors exited the room.
Harry didn't return to his rooms that night. Dutifully, he sent a house-elf to check on the Gryffindor Tower. After the small creature informed Severus that that was indeed where Harry was and that he safe in his friends' company, Severus went to bed. He didn't even try to pretend he wasn't bothered by the empty side of the bed and lay there, gazing at the ceiling. His life had never been cheerful even at its best, but now, after just a few weeks of contentment and a few precious moments of bliss, the downward spiral seemed all the more harsh. All that was left was the tiny glimmer of hope that somehow, Harry would prove more forgiving than his mother once had. Even if Snape knew he didn't deserve it.
After a fitful night Severus appeared at breakfast as usual, the familiar feeling of depression hovering around him like a rain cloud. He sat in his usual place, scanning the table for the wild black hair, or perhaps Granger's bushy hairdo. Severus lowered himself into his chair, squashing the twinge of worry he felt as he came to the conclusion all of the trio was, in fact, absent. The castle was safe, after all and- yes, Draco was at breakfast. No harm would come to him.
And yet, when Snape saw the trio entering the hall, talking quietly, he felt a surge of relief. As he watched Harry's pale face, their eyes met for a moment, then Harry quickly looked away. Granger followed Harry's gaze, staring at Snape, her expression unreadable. Idly, Severus wondered how much Harry had told them Wherever he was ashamed to admit he had slept with the would-be murderer of his parents, maybe even lov- no.
There was nothing left of the doe-eyes Harry used to make at him when he was feeling unobserved. Instead, the boy sat down with his back firmly turned towards Snape. His friends lowered themselves protectively on both his sides. Severus continued eating, though the food now tasted like old parchment.
"Are you feeling well, Severus?" Minerva asked him from across the table. Almost habitually, Snape scowled at her.
"Fine, Minerva, thank you for asking. I do hope you are well yourself," he said smoothly, avoiding the Headmaster's searching gaze. "If you will excuse me, I have lessons to prepare."
Severus left the hall as swiftly as he gauged he could without drawing any attention to himself. He strode through the halls, students jumping out of the way when they saw him. Snape cursed under his breathe. This was exactly why he shouldn't have gotten so involved with the boy, he had known it would happen and yet- still Severus couldn't bring himself to regret it.
Finally, he reached his office and sat down heavily in front of his desk, stomach churning uncomfortably. What had he expected? That the boy forgave him and came running back before even a full day had passed? Severus ran a weary hand over his face, then turned towards his notes.
