Ratings: R/NC17+
Warnings: Violence/Gore, Sex.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story, living (or passed) human beings or fictional characters. These events never happened, according to history or as the original author intended them. This is a work of fiction and is not intended to offend. For entertainment purposes only. Thanks.
Chapter 11: March, 20th - Evening
The image of Levi's face, pale and wide-eyed with fear, seemed to be permanently etched in Prince Erwin's mind. Each time he closed his eyes, he could see the panic in his wide eyes, the way his mouth hung open in shock. His entire lithe body seemed to be paralyzed for a moment, before the small man had taken off running. Erwin himself had ignored his father's protests and chased after Levi as the small man had ran from their castle, making an attempt to go after him. He was stopped when Queen Smith reached out and grabbed his wrist, keeping him from following Levi and forcing him to listen to his father. He pulled away from her quickly and scowled, wanting to remind her that she was not his mother, but he knew that he was already going to be in enough trouble as it was for leaving the ball early, going sailing, and proposing marriage to Levi without even discussing it as a future option with his father first.
He knew that Queen Smith's action was not with the intention to sympathize with him, so much as it had been for her to support his father's decision, but it had stopped him enough to notice the small crown on the ground, not far from the castle porch. For a moment he paused in his tracks to stare at it. He remembered the moment that he had seen Levi enter the ballroom last night wearing that crown, the way it shone and caught the light of the torches as they walked through the garden together, and the way it gleamed in the moonlight as they kissed against the mast of the schooner. He remembered running his hands through Levi's soft black hair and pushing the crown off his head last night, barely recalling the loud clang it made as it hit the ship's cabin floor. The sound resonating loudly in his head now, and he kicked the crown as hard as he could, not bothering to watch it hit the uneven cobblestones and roll towards the gardens. Then he ignored the cries of disappointment and shame that the group of royalty spouted towards him and turned on heel, rushing to the only place he hadn't shared an experience with Levi: his bedroom. He needed to be alone, he need his own time and space to gather himself out of the view of the Sina Royals and breakdown without them judging him.
Once inside, he slammed the door shut and gazed around the room. He felt unsure of what to do for a moment, and the fact that Levi hadn't been in here made it feel odd to him at the moment. He knew that it was unhealthy to want to be in areas that would remind him of Levi, but the lack of his memory in this space made him feel even worse, as if the entire ordeal had been made up in his head. Frustrated, he knocked over his desk chair and kicked his desk really hard, before throwing down several of the large pieces of furnitures in the room, like his nightstand. Physically taking his emotions out in the room made him feel as though he had some sliver of control again and allowed him to feel that he hadn't just made up Levi's survival as a means of escape from marrying Lana. He gazed around the messy room, then felt overwhelmed by the thought of cleaning it up to maintain the image of a perfectly controlled prince and threw himself onto his bed in tears. His mind was reeling; he wasn't sure how things had gone from the best morning of his life to the worst day possible. He wasn't sure how he would be expected to rule a kingdom when he was unable to woo the man of his dreams. He wasn't even sure if the man of his dreams was anything that he thought he was. And now, he wasn't even sure he was in his sound mind. And somewhere - in the mix of all his thoughts and emotions - Erwin feverently wished that his mother hadn't passed away so soon. If Eleanor was here, he thought, then she would have been able to comfort him and talk to him. He wouldn't have felt as pressured about the entire marriage as he was now, having only his father to discuss it with. The reality that his mother was little more than wind in the trees and the name on the back of his ship distressed him even more, and he buried his face into the pillow sobbing.
Several minutes passed before a knock was heard at his door. It seemed to have been repeated several times before it caught the prince's attention and he lifted his head out of the pillow just long enough to identify the person who had followed him to his room: Carolina. The universe seemed to have tried to give him a motherly figure in Eleanor's stand in, but right now he knew that even Carolina - his godmother in a sense of the word - was no help to him at the moment. Selfishly, he would only have wanted Eleanor to talk to, and since she was buried deep in the heart of the Smith family graveyard, he chose to be with no one. He ignored Carolina's knockings, choosing to stay silent until she gave up and left, and then continued crying.
Normally Erwin Smith was not a man that would be reduced to tears, especially the shoulder-shaking, gut-wrenching sobs he was reduced to now. But the confusion and pain of being played by the man he fell in love with was simply overwhelming, especially after he had allowed himself to believe that they could live happily ever after. He kicked himself for taking Miche's advice and confessing how he felt to Levi. It made it worse for him to find out that Levi hadn't felt the same, and that he wasn't even really the person Erwin had been fooled into thinking he was. He found himself in a situation that – for the first time in his life – he didn't want to be strong for. For the first time in his life, he had seen the man that he could have become if he was able to have Levi by his side: a commander, a strong, intelligent leader with the ability to better the world around him by following his heart. But following his heart had also led him to being hurt in the worst way he had possibly felt, and he no longer wanted to open himself up to that kind of pain again. He no longer wanted the ability to rule, even if it meant changing the world for the better, because being a ruler meant being able to understand and control his feelings. And right now, he didn't even want to acknowledge he had any feelings.
There was another knock at his door - a brisk, sharp rap - before the door was opened without his consent, and Miche stepped inside his room. He twisted the lock behind himself and came to Erwin's side, dragging the knocked-over chair over and placing it right-side up so that he could sit beside his friend.
"I'm so sorry, Erwin." he began, his voice full of regret and remorse.
Erwin rolled over so that he could face his friend, the sclera of his sea-blue eyes now pink and swollen from crying. He hiccoughed, catching his breath so that he could speak to his childhood friend. "Oh, Miche." he managed, "I fucked up so bad."
"It's not your fault-"
"It is. I let him get to me. I should have known he was too good to be true." Erwin sat up and pressed his palms into his eyes, attempting to stop crying. "I just...I see it in people like my father. Or the other royals. But I didn't see it in him. He was everything they weren't: kind, and caring, and understanding, and just...innocent."
Miche held back his smile, focusing on supporting Erwin. "Maybe he was innocent, Erwin?"
"This whole time?!" Erwin hissed. "He lied, Miche! He could have told me, or Carolina or anyone! Instead, he didn't tell anyone. He let us all believe that he was the prince!"
"Maybe...maybe he was afraid?" Miche offered, shrugging his shoulders and curling his lip, appearing as though he was trying to give Levi the benefit of the doubt.
Erwin folded his arms across his chest, "Alright, say he was afraid." he replied, and a feeling of anger was rising in his voice, filling his body with adrenaline as he realized that a mere common boy reduced him to the point of not wanting to embrace his own birthright as prince. "How do we know that's all he lied about?"
Miche seemed taken aback by Erwin's sudden anger; the man had flipped from such a crushed state of depression to such a hostile anger that he wasn't sure how to reply right away. He tilted his head and made a small noise to prompt Erwin to clarify himself.
Erwin's cheeks turned a faint pink and he stubbornly looked at the bed sheets rather than his friend. "How can I trust him, Miche? All those things he told me, how do I know he really meant them? How can I believe that he valued me when-"
"Valued you?" Miche repeated, twisting Erwin's words into a question. "Erwin, I'm convinced that he cared very deeply about you."
"He used me!" Erwin protested, his breathing heavy. "I- I- I gave him my virginity, Miche! And it all makes sense now! Because after that he- he- he didn't want to marry me. What if he's not even gay?"
Miche shook his head, trying to make sense of Erwin's ramblings. He felt like his friend was giving him whiplash, first with his hyperfast mood swings and now jumping from topic to topic. "What are you talking about?"
"On the boat last night!" Erwin hissed, then fell quiet. He wiped a tear running down his cheek with the back of his hand, then sighed, "We- I- lay with him. I- I- I was the, you know?"
"Bottom." Miche whispered, finally understanding what Erwin was so worked up about, why he was so hurt.
Erwin nodded. "I trusted him."
Miche sighed heavily, cursing his luck. With what he witnessed last night, he assumed Erwin would be the one to lead their coupling, so he had prepared himself to convince Erwin that Levi was innocent in the matter of his social status and play on their intimacy to calm Erwin down enough to be able to think rationally again. Apparently, things had gone the other way, forcing him to improvise.
"I don't have much time to spare; I'm needed to lead the search for him. He's still under arrest-"
"As he should be!" Erwin cut Miche off.
Miche sighed again. "I know you're upset, Erwin. But I firmly believe that he had a good reason for not telling us the truth."
"And what would that be? Hmm? He seemed so innocent and yet he knew exactly how to-" Erwin ceased in the middle of his musings. "All the warning signs were there. I just didn't want to believe them. He didn't know how to socialize at the ball. And he was afraid of when King Zackly would arrive, he openly hated him. He acted so innocent and yet he knew exactly what do in bed."
"He is innocent." Miche found himself murmuring, desperate to convince Erwin to believe him.
"And how would you know?!" Erwin countered, his voice full of malice. He narrowed his eyes and searched Miche's face for a moment in silence, attempting to read him for any lies. "What do you know about him that I don't?"
Miche sighed heavily, then rubbed his face with the tips of his fingers. He didn't want to confess to Erwin what he had done, but he didn't want to lie to him either. He ran a hand through his hair nervously, pushing his hair back and revealing his eyes as he usually did before he told the truth. "I knew he wasn't the prince." he confessed, his voice low and quiet, but the emotion in it was strong. It was obvious that he cared very deeply for Erwin. He stroked his chin one, brushing through his stubble with his thumb, then met Erwin's eyes. "He told me when I pulled him out of the carriage that he wasn't the prince, but I didn't let him tell anyone else that. It's my fault, that he didn't tell anyone he's not the prince of Sina kingdom, I asked him to lie about it."
Erwin's breathing became heavy and his eyes glistened with tears. He ground his teeth together, forcing himself to keep from crying at the betrayal of his best friend, and his hands tightened into fists. "Why?" he hissed through gritted teeth. The feeling of betrayal was so strong that he felt as if Miche had taken out his sword and stabbed it right through his chest. He felt stuck in a cycle of shock, sorrow, and anger; shocked by what he was discovering, sorrow from the loss it caused him, and then anger at everyone he trusted and loved so deeply for having chosen to lie to him, to hurt him.
"Because I know you're not attracted to women." Miche explained with a sigh, and it was obvious that this confession wasn't an easy one to make. "Because I thought that Levi seemed like all the boys you told me were attractive before; short, slender, dark-featured. I saw something in his that all those other boys you flirted with didn't have, Erwin. I just...he may have been a servant but looking at him as he was, hanging out of that carriage, injured, and yet still fighting for his masters lives, he was loyal above all else. And he proved to us over the days that he was kind and selfless, even to servants, such as myself. I thought you might take a liking to him, that you may prefer him over another princess proposal. I was just trying to look out for you-"
Erwin's hands were quivering with rage and hurt, having discovered that his best friend and his lover were in a conspiracy together. "You knew." he breathed, "You manipulated me. You basically sold me to him!"
Miche's eyes widened as he realized how upset Erwin was with his confession. "No, it wasn't like that, Erwin. I just- you were miserable after being arranged to Lana. I thought you would enjoy to meet Prince Levi and-"
"He's not even a prince!" Erwin countered, seething with rage.
The pair fell into silence. Erwin continued to glare at Miche, who sat motionless in surprise. He hadn't intended to hurt Erwin by interfering with the proposal. But he found that he couldn't back down from supporting Levi. He leaned back in the chair, settling against the backrest.
"Levi-"
"Don't!" Erwin cut him off, "Say his name. He's dead to me!" He stood up and removed his formal jacket he had worn to the ball and threw it on the end of the bed in disgust. "Just like you are." he uttered without even sparing a glance in Miche's direction. "Get out!"
Miche's eyes widened with hurt at Erwin's words and he looked up at Erwin in shock. "But Erwin-" he began, his lower lip beginning to tremble.
"Get out!" Erwin shouted at him, "That's an order!"
Miche got to his feet, unable to look at anything other than the floor. He slowly made his way to the door, his mind still trying to make sense of what just happened between himself and his best friend. "Prince Erwin-" he tried again, turning in the doorway and hoping that the Prince would hear him out.
Erwin came to stand in front of him, looking up at Miche with his eyes like two slabs of hard, cold ice. "If you want him so much, why don't you take him, Michael?" Erwin hissed, then shoved the taller man out of his room and slammed the door in his face.
Miche stood in the hallway, frozen in place, staring at Erwin's door. His eyes filled with tears and he lowered his head so his hair hung in his eyes to hide them from the rest of the castle. He looked to Erwin's door again, half-hoping that he would open the door and apologize. He was in shock, having never seen Erwin so angry before, having never been the one Erwin directed his anger at. He sighed heavily, trying to force the tears back, and headed towards the front of the castle where his regiment was awaiting his orders to look for Levi. Somehow, some way, he was going to have to fix this entire mess he caused.
Erwin sank to the floor the minute Miche had left his room, lowering himself to his knees beside his bed. His body wanted to cry but his mind wanted to scream. He took his crown off his head and hurled it across the room, watching the solid gold object spin as it flew and bounced back to roll under the desk after it slammed loudly into the stone wall across from him. The desk caught his attention and he narrowed his eyes and rose to approach it. He stared at the desktop, running his fingers along the smooth work surface, before he knelt down in front of the drawers and pulled open the second drawer from the bottom. Inside it was the small wood plaque that he had shown Miche two days ago, the one with the carving of Levi at the helm of the Eleanor that he had Furlan do for him. He traced his fingers over the carving, caressing Levi's cheek with his index finger. He had been wrong to come here thinking that it was a haven away from Levi. The truth was there was nothing and nowhere in Rose Kingdom that he hadn't taken him, shown him, or shared with him. Even in his own bedroom, he had let Levi invade in some form. Usually when he was upset he would run to the ships, but after what they had done on the schooner, he was afraid to go as far as the docks.
For a moment, Erwin held the carving at both ends between his hands and contemplated snapping it in two. He firmly gripped it and began to apply a small amount of pressure, but he couldn't continue and instead set the carving down on the floor, propping it up against the desk so he could gaze it with bittersweet affection. The carving brought many memories to Erwin's mind: the day he had taken Levi aboard the Eleanor, their conversation in the field about the sea, and finally the memory of Erwin's conversation with Miche when he had shown him the finished carving;
'I'm going to miss him, when he's gone back to Sina, and-'
'You like him, don't you? You just don't want to say it because of your father.'
'Levi's a man, and he intrigues you; he's what you value: kindness, humour, a lover of learning and nature and freedom. If anyone were open to the idea, they could see the affection the two of you display for each other quite easily.'
'If only I could have been arranged to him instead of Lana, then it wouldn't be so complicated.'
"If only I could have been arranged to him instead of Lana." Erwin repeated to himself, brushing Levi's face with his fingertip again. The words made him regret treating Miche rudely, and he hugged the carving to his chest, letting the tears fall down his face openly again. The sight of Levi was enough to cause him to cry because he knew he still loved and cared about him. Time passed as he reflected on his days with Levi, recalling the way the sun shone through his hair and caused his skin to glow.
It was on the floor in front of his desk, crying, that Queen Zackly found Prince Erwin, shortly after sunset.
"I've brought you some tea." she began, approaching him calmly, having entered his room without knocking. "It always helped soothe my children when they were upset."
Erwin looked up at Queen Zackly, trying to imagine how Princess Lana would have looked like; he had never gone to see the bodies. The queen had dark hair and steel grey eyes, that he immediately noticed were not as bright or as expressive as Levi's. Instead of seeing Lana, he saw Levi, and he cursed under his breath: how was it that a servant not only closely remembered their master, but also had more beauty than the masters he served as well?
"Come, come." the queen beckoned him, wrapping her arms around him and giving him a hug. She smelled of candy and sweetness, and he wrinkled his nose in distaste. He rose to his feet and took the teacup to distract her, taking a large sip from it. It tasted bitter, but he welcomed it in contrast to the candy-sweetness of the queen.
"Thank you." he breathed. As much as he didn't want to be a ruler, he knew it wouldn't do him any good to treat the Queen rudely. He was still the son of his father, the king, and therefore he was still responsible to leading his kingdom, whether he wanted to or not. "I'm sorry to burden you with me, your children-"
"No, not at all." the queen easily waved off his apology. "I just hope you're okay after this...quite eventful week. First, the- the- tragedy. And now, to discover that our servant was...such a liar."
Erwin nodded, his hurt enflaming at the mention of Levi as a liar. He looked down at the tea, swirling the dark drink around in the cup before he met her eyes again. "I'm so deeply sorry for your loss."
The queen nodded and fanned herself with her hand, trying to make her tears disappear. "Thank you." she breathed, "I'm just...so disappointed about the whole thing. We were all looking forwards to your wedding."
Erwin nodded, then finished the tea and handed the cup back to her. "Thank you for the tea." he replied, hoping that she would take the hint and leave him alone again.
She understood his request and nodded, before she reached out to squeeze his shoulder. "Anytime dear." she whispered. "I'll leave you to rest now. See you tomorrow."
Erwin nodded and watched her go, closing the door after herself, before he stood and stripped off his clothing. He crawled into bed naked, letting the cold sheets chill his body, and curled up on his side. Outside the wind picked up and he finally became aware of the sound of rain. He shivered, pulling the sheets over his shoulder, and sighed. His eyes hurt from crying all day and his limbs throbbed gently from having sat still on the floor for so long. He closed his eyes, feeling tears sliding down his face again, and forced himself to focus on his breathing, until he fell asleep and became blissfully unaware of his reality.
It was early evening when Levi heard the castle guards ride by, their voices clear to him despite the distance between them. With nowhere else to go and no one he could trust, Levi had returned to the one place he was sure they wouldn't search for him: the wreck of the carriage. He rode the pony he had stolen as far as he could into the forest, then turned it around and slapped it so that it would head back to Rose kingdom. He watched it go for a moment, hoping that it would be intelligent enough to find it's owner. The rope that had been tied for the soldiers to carry them out of the wreck and up to the road from the bottom of the gulley had still been tied to the trees above, and he used to navigate his way down the muddy hillside, before lifting himself up and into the discussion window of the carriage. It had begun to rain by late evening, and now that darkness had descended he had crawled further back into the wreck to seek shelter for the night. He looked around the inside of the carriage, surprised that it seemed smaller and much more confining than he had originally believed it to be, and wrapped his arms around his legs, trying to keep as small as possible to avoid the dried blood on the walls and the few insects that had gathered there. The bottom of the carriage was soaked from the falling rain, but he was glad that the wood absorbed so much water; it comforted him that he wouldn't be trapped in here by fire again. Inside his boot, his right heel had begun to bleed again because of the sudden exertion he caused it, and he tried not to focus on the pain as he silently strained to hear any commotion outside.
It had been a long time since he had been abandoned, but he hadn't forgotten how to take care of himself because of it. Levi withdrew into his memories, taking himself back to his fourth winter, when he had to provide for himself after the death of his mother. At the time he hadn't even known what death was, but when he turned her body over and discovered she wasn't moving despite her eyes being open, he knew that she would never wake up again. It had been hard but he had managed to find or steal food to feed himself, and he had managed to sleep in animal barns during the night, following them as his model for survival. When the rain made the ground too wet for him to sleep with them any longer he had to move to the sides of buildings, since their foundations made it harder for the water to penetrate the ground and make it soggy. He had fended as best he could following animals because he was nothing more than a naive child. But this time would be different, he was older now so he could sell his skills or services when he needed to. He could work for his pay, and eventually he would be able to find something stable. He could change his name and alter his appearance, and make it on his own to far, far away. He'd go so far away that Erwin wouldn't hear the beating of his heart ever again.
The thought depressed him and he sighed heavily to fight his tears. He made sure not to touch the carriage too much, and curled up in the darkest corner, furthest from the open discussion window. If the guards were smart enough to come by, he hoped that the angle of the carriage would disguise him and buy him time to escape them. Afterwards, he would have to walk to the next town over and from there he could plan a route to a Kingdom further away, perhaps even sail to another land, where he could live out the rest of his days away from Prince Erwin and his guards. Perhaps, he thought to himself, he would find work as a sailor, so that he could spend the rest of his days climbing the ratlines that Erwin had so eagerly showed him? His chest hurt even though he wasn't injured, and Levi sighed in sorrow. He wanted to be able to keep Erwin in his heart, always, and be able to remember such a beautiful moment in his life each day.
Outside was dark and he was alone in the midst of the gulley floor, with nothing but insects and animals to keep him company, and yet he felt watched. Levi gave his head a shake, knowing he was alone. He was paranoid from the run and it only made him feal fear, but he knew that he was alone here as the night dragged on. His thoughts drifted to memory, and his eyes began to slip closed. Despite the darkness outside he felt like the inside of the carriage was bright. He lay his cheek on the back of his hand, on the top of his knee, and tried to forced himself to ignore his current situation. He thought of the many nights his mother was out working and he had woken up with her not around. He thought of the times he had slept in the stables and curled up next to the horses when he didn't have anywhere else to go. He thought of the first week he had spent at Sina Castle, and the duties he was given. Memories of growing up alongside Lana and Len, always being the only child left out for presents during the holidays, desserts for dinner, and even having a birthday acknowledged, filled him with despair. Despite the cold and the wet, Levi felt his body beginning to slacken and relax as sleep embraced him, and he began to believe that he was back home in Sina Castle, sleeping on the kitchen floor. He would wake up and find out this had all been a very beautiful nightmare, and then he would have to get ready for their carriage ride to Rose Kingdom, for Princess Lana to marry Prince Erwin, the man of his dreams. Shortly after he had closed his eyes, unaware of the tears that had spilled down his frozen cheeks, he fell asleep.
