Author's Note: This is the end. I won't and cannot apologize if it isn't to anyone's liking. I've enjoyed writing Alex. I of course have borrowed moments and things I have said in my life and used it in this but this story was never meant to be shared. But there were too many notes written on my cell phone, notebooks, during classes, before sleep (which is relaxing) that it needed to be finished. The format I think is all over the place and the length is a bit ridiculous, no? (10, 410 words) I won't be writing anymore fanfiction after this. (Might be time to finish my "book".) Either way-this is it. Done, fin, end scene. Thank you to anyone who has read this.
Memory was failing, she was blinding walking as she suddenly stopped and realized she was in her bedroom. There was the possibility that they would be able to talk and be a family but now it was self evident that it would never happen. She accepted it as she washed the blood from her hand; the water having a cleansing affect even though she felt heavy and distant. Now it was easier to cut ties. She'd grown used to dropping people from her life. By this point it was second nature. They didn't deserve to be in her life, but it still hurt-that they didn't want her to be in theirs.
Somehow it made it that much easier to mentally approach people in her ex-family and view them as dead, as she figured they likely viewed her. It made it concrete and she didn't glance back. No remorse, no guilt, and at this point without animosity.
After she had punched the wall she hadn't spoken a word for a few hours, not for conversation sake anyway. Instead she had put on music, occasionally sang along and listened for its escapist qualities but now it was night out and almost edging towards that time to sleep. Marissa hadn't talked to her or tried to start for the silent hours that had passed slowly. After she had squeezed her hand, they remained standing in the kitchen until the former blond gently dropped the high school student's hand, picked up the record and went to her music room. There she had stayed but now she didn't know when she made it to her bedroom and now without any distractions she breathed in deep breaths to try to ground herself.
There was a hole in the wall of her music themed room she needed to fix now, but in the long run it didn't matter. It was something that could be fixed and no one would know there was damage there. People weren't like walls, though they built them to protect the violence the world bestows on them. Sometimes it was the verbal assaults that hurt the most.
She wondered who it would look like if each form of violence stayed on people as a bruise, a cut, a gash, a wound. If people walked around with all the evidence like inflicted tattoos, would people stop being so sadistic and willing to harm? Would there be an end to any trauma? She doubted it. What if people wore their hearts on their sleeves? She stopped herself from her thoughts and decided to wear armor instead. She felt like marble-cold, solid, immovable. But if you considered it and looked closely you'd know that it comes with its lines and jagged cracks and discoloration. The question, Alex felt, was if Marissa would look close enough to see past the surface.
Marissa was already sitting in her bed, her legs crossed, back against the headboard and stared at Alex, not judging her, not really observing her, but waiting. Alex's hands shook slightly, she couldn't get the button of her black blouse undone. Stopping, she looked at the ground, realizing this is it. She really didn't have a family. Her friends and Marissa were in family. In many ways she didn't have to have her guard up with her friends or question if there was an ulterior motive behind their actions, unless they were clearly joking. But this was it for her. She had no reason to try to contact her family. These epiphanies kept repeating in her head and finally she let her shoulders sag, almost as though a weight was gone, but she also felt empty, how she felt that paradox she wasn't entirely sure. She couldn't explain why if someone asked her to.
Words didn't always work, they're limited and tend to fail but she was ambivalent. It didn't even register when Marissa was standing in front of her until she squeezed her hand again. This time Alex wasn't the one to drop her hand from Marissa's. The taller girl was slowly undoing the buttons, looking at them intently until the blouse was open all the way, a narrow strip was spaced out showing what was underneath, but Marissa lifted her eyes and looked at Alex.
"You know I love you right?" Marissa asked gently and Alex could only swallow. For some reason that made her want to just let go and let the tears come. She felt angry at herself for that, it wasn't her typical reaction but Marissa was holding her hands and pulling her in closer and she couldn't help but breathe her in as her arms wrapped around the girl's waist.
It felt real. She knew that people threw words around too often and love was heavy. She always felt it to be a universal emotion, but it was personal for everyone, subjective, powerful and at the same time it made people weak. It was bittersweet in so many ways, but at this moment the words mattered.
"I love you too," Alex whispered and pulled her in a little closer as Marissa moved her forward as well, her arms on the former blonde's shoulders. Leaning her head back Marissa kissed Alex on the cheek and held her lips there until she pulled back briefly to look at Alex again who's eyes looked darker and kissed her on her lips. In was relaxing to have that nonverbal symbiosis that had become second nature again. Alex couldn't help it, she softly moaned into the kiss. It was reassuring that she was loved and felt it. Marissa was conveying the message. The kiss embodied a declaration-she was going to stay and she wanted to be there.
Slowly taking off her blouse, Alex was mindful to not brush her knuckles against Marissa knowing they were in the process of bruising.
The rest of the night went slowly. Marissa took her time and made the point to maintain as much eye contact as possible. Little was said but hours later after they had exhausted themselves after numerous stops , recharges and resuming they had fall asleep.
By morning it felt different and final that it was done and something had shifted with her and Marissa. It felt heavier as Alex watched her sleep. For once her girlfriend looked peaceful. There weren't any frowns adorning her face or small mumblings of discontent. Not wanting to disturb the high school student Alex got up, took her shower, got dressed as she looked over her girlfriend who was still in bed, and tried to make it downstairs. She was a little startled to feel Marissa gently take her hand and lead her back to bed.
"I have work," she former blonde said with some happiness in her voice, blatantly not minding being pulled back to bed.
"Yes, but I want to give you a massage, so lay down," Marissa softly commanded with a still sleepy smirk.
"Well if I must," Alex complied and playfully rolled her eyes.
Somehow in the next minute her shirt and tank top were gone and she was left in her pants and bra. Pushing up a little to look at Marissa who was straddling her back she tried to suppress a shiver as her girlfriend ran her fingertips then nails up and down her spin.
"I know this is just an excuse for you to feel me up," she said with raised eyebrows.
"Awww, I'm that transparent?" Marissa joked, the question lacking the need for an obvious answer.
"Pretty much, but its appreciated," the relaxed girl said as she placed her head back down and stretched out in bed. Though with Marissa's continuous teasing Alex really felt compelled to get to work otherwise she'd spend all day in bed and Marissa had school. She finally went to work after a brief but playful fight and spastic grabs for her shirt from Marissa. Placing a soft kiss near the light brunette's temple after Marissa had helped her with the buttons she finally left the apartment.
Of course work went by as it always did but it was a Friday and I turn she knew she had to go to the Bait shop and check in with everything and everyone to see if it was running smoothly. Jodie didn't bother to make her somewhat witty remarks as the former blonde was heading out the door. The Bait Shop appeared to be doing better and so Alex tended the bar for a half hour, again careful to avoid hitting her knuckles on anything and then went to the office to relax. For some reason it hit her again that she didn't have a blood family, it wasn't an issue when she didn't have to think about it but when she had nothing to do and she had the time to sit down she couldn't stop her negative thoughts. The couch was the same as it had always been, comfortable enough to sleep on but not wanting to fall back into that habit she stood up and went back down to help tend the bar. Action was the enemy of thought. She remembered that line from a movie and at that moment she decided it would be prudent to immerse herself and keep busy to stay distracted from the fact that she felt unsteady. The illusion of a foundation was gone.
Two weeks had passed with the same routine. Work, Bait Shop on Fridays, even though she didn't have to work every Friday her old boss didn't mind at all, and in between those obligations she didn't have much time to talk to Marissa or really spend time with her. When they did get together they would have dinner, make out, sometimes in bed of the shower but Alex refrained from anymore physical affection. As if sensing Alex's mood Marissa spent more time with Summer of claimed to have more school work to do.
Another two weeks passed with less time together. It wasn't until Friday night when Marissa had stayed at Alex's apartment by herself for hours waiting up for the older girl that they had a real conversation.
"Alex...can we talk, please?" Marissa asked gently after she stood up from the couch. She should have known based on her body language alone that something was wrong. Walking closer to her quickly Alex gently held onto Marissa's biceps and asked with worry, "What's wrong?"
"I...I feel like we're falling apart." Marissa moved out of Alex's delicate hold and shrugged away, taking a step back, further making her point.
Alex frowned at the words, though they were clear, she felt they were distorted, more so slashed at her core as if a knife was sawing through a kaleidoscope. Her attempt to lighten the mood was in vain as she offered a lame joke. But the next ten minutes that felt like a complete cliché felt more like an hour as Alex couldn't vocalize any of her thoughts. She wanted to say or express in some way to Marissa that she'd agree with her. She was hard to love, why else did her family not want her and why didn't anyone ever push her when they knew she was in a way quietly drowning?
I'm not sure how I feel about that. And I'm more confused because I want to kiss you if I could gather the voice to ask. Begrudgingly I admit I'm wrong in accepting your love when I fight you at every turn and now its predictable.
Woman of few words that she was, she stayed in her head even as Marissa tried talking to her. The silence hurt. It would be typical to say that it was deafening, but it was just a reminder that they'd run out of things to say. And the hard, brutal but quiet truth was that they weren't worth the fight. At least that's how Alex felt. The look the girl was giving her was one of frustration and sadness. If she could have guessed right she thought that in Marissa's position she would have felt it was like talking to a brick wall. Frustration won out when she picked up her few things and left the apartment. Leaving Alex to stand stock still and finally blink to clear away the haze that she could have sworn settled over her eyes.
Maybe she's pulling away because I did...it was the distance...maybe I always knew, I always fucking knew it wouldn't work. It doesn't even matter anymore; the emotional, mathematical equation has the same fucking product. Same outcome. The break, the broken-ness, the coming apart-if we were ever really together.
She immediately stopped herself from thinking. Looking around her apartment that now seemed so overwhelmingly large and empty she went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. It was all surreal as though she had just come back from work and was waiting around for Marissa to come through the door, the exact opposite she realized of what just happened. Moving the bottled water back and forth in her hand and staring at the contents of her refrigerator she put it back on the shelf and picked up a beer. Twisting it off, not caring that it had slightly cut into her palm she went to the open living room and sat down on the couch.
Your girlfriend just broke up with you. Again.
She took another, large gulp of the beer.
Well that was inevitable wasn't it?
Tapping the side of the bottle and pulling pack the label distractedly she stopped on impulse and took another swig in a futile attempt to stop her up from the couch she grabbed her Ipod from her bag that she had left on the counter and plugged it into the speaker blasting her LIVID playlist that contained numerous punk, rock, rather angry songs. Since her beer was almost gone she got out another one but put it back, annoyed at her own indecisiveness and got out the bottle of vodka. She smirked to herself, well aware that even in her desire to get away from Marissa her drug of choice was vodka too.
An hour later she was pretty much gone. Unfortunately she was left to her own thoughts.
You aren't worth loving or the effort. Cheers to that!
She knocked back the bottle again. Not surprisingly a few minutes later she was asleep, free of her thoughts as she fell into a dead rest even as the songs were blasting.
When she woke up a couple hours later she felt sick. Carrying her head she didn't even bother trying to get some water, she went right to the bathroom and emptied her stomach. It was a relief she hadn't thrown up much. And being that it was almost one in the afternoon she went back to the kitchen and got another bottle of beer.
Why not? I haven't drank, really drank in a long time. This is the perfect excuse. She laughed lightly to herself but it came out bitterly and tipped back the bottle for a large gulp. The process continued until after the second beer she was bored with the taste and upgraded to vodka again. Frowning she took in the silence and looked at her Ipod that was now dead. Picking it up she plugged it into the charger and went to her record room after she hit her elbow on the door frame grumbling that'll leave a mark.
Putting on some more loud punk music she sat in the big chair and kept consuming and ingesting liquid fire. It burned and she enjoyed it. Subconsciously she knew it connected to her intention of self harm and slowly become numb. It was legal poisoning so why not? She thought sardonically and she felt the tangible proof of why people drink so they don't have to feel. Passing out hours later after the music helped her halt the thoughts she again avoided dreams.
The drinking didn't end the next day though. It was a Sunday and no one had called or had come by. She was free to free fall into her demise for as long as she wanted. At least until work tomorrow. Another large amount of alcohol was on its way to her stomach again. She refused to feel sick though she should have been since she hadn't eaten in two days. With her thoughts weighing on her she didn't remember to have actual food or anything of substance, the vodka was filling enough, and sometimes she'd chew on the ice cubes. But when she had to go to work she dressed as she always did but grabbed her silver coffee mug, put chocolate soy milk in half of it and vodka to fill the remainder. Whipping it up with the little machine she placed the top on and went to work. Grabbing another small bottle of vodka she put it in her bag and headed out. Admitting that she wasn't a completely selfish bitch she didn't drink and drive, but the moment she was in her office she started in on her work and letting the drink slide down her throat. A few hours later Jodie came in after Alex had put the last of the extra vodka in her drink that barely had any chocolate taste to it now. Looking up from the paperwork that didn't seem as tedious as usual she closed her eyes when she was carrying Liv.
"You should take her home, she seems to miss her."
"I can't," the former blonde said tensely but the unhappiness was clear.
"Why not?" Jodie asked with a frown.
"Can you just keep her for a week?" Alex asked, looking at her desk and paperwork, not able to have this conversation with Jodie now.
"Somethings going on with you." Jodie narrowed her eyes after the slightly drunk girl looked up.
"Please," she asked and leaned back in the chair, still avoiding prolonged eye contact.
The darker brunette nodded and quietly left the room, conscious that now wasn't the time to try to have a real conversation with her friend. Not that she had gone in to discuss business, she was only checking in on her.
Sighing the former blond stared at her computer and grabbed her drink again, settled into her chair, her shoulders sinking back and tried to stay awake. Instead she was in that state of half asleep and had a sense of deja vu as her brain felt the masochistic need to go back and rehash a conversation with her twin.
"You cut out," he was screaming at her. "We were a family, you broke us apart!"
"I have nothing to atone for. It was already broken," she replied calmly.
"No, you were the reason for it," he kept pushing and leaned into her face.
"Our family atrophied, it was expected," the calm tone still there but right underneath the bit of impatience was evident. Everyone had their limits and he was close to it.
"You were the cause!" He replied, contesting her restrained demeanor and appeared petulant.
"I was not this cataclysmic thing," she got out, finally frustrated with his insistence as she lifted her arms and held her hands apart as though she was holding an invisible ball in her grasp. That invisible thing was her sexuality, her refusal to bend to what her parents wanted or demanded from her, it was her stubbornness that she probably inherited from her father. To them her whole attitude was an issue and didn't fit in. she wouldn't bend or break. Another problem was the dynamic between her and her father. They had similar temperaments and she couldn't and would never apologize for a small aspect of her personality. It was only a piece of her and if they couldn't accept her-all or nothing she didn't have to respect her. Respect was earned, not given out freely because of age or status.
Aaron shook his head, his arm and hand held in a fist was shaking at his side. Moving to grab her bag Alex slung it over her shoulder and left the house for the last time. No goodbyes, no hugs, no farewells, no hope to see you soon, this was it and she wasn't going to stay for the sake of hope or the chance that they'd change. She had better things to do, life would have to catch up with her because she couldn't stay in a place that felt exanimate and so overbearingly dead with its listless people that lacked anything that resembled love. They couldn't even imitate it if their lives depended on it. The house was full over power plays and invisible locks.
That was her brain's cue to wake up. Stretching and attempting to get up she sat back down, feeling the vodka finally hit her system. At that moment Jodie decided to come in and sat with intense observation. Looking back at Jodie Alex occupied herself by shutting down her computer, her movements slow as she maneuvered the chair around and put a few binders back on the bookshelf.
"You're drunk," Jodie said without an accusatory tone.
"Mmm, how could you tell?" Alex said after a small, dis-concerning nod.
"You smile more and for no reason," Jodie said flatly.
"Okay," the former blond said slowly, slightly amused that was her tell.
"You're not driving, I'm taking you back to your place," the brunette said with zero room for debate and stood up from the chair leaving her coworker to follow.
By the time they got to the car Jodie had shaken her head at least three times at her friend's disposition. "I'm going to pray for you," she said while getting in the car. For Alex it took a little longer than expected but the smaller girl waited patiently, not being able to remember when Alex was drunk at work. This might be a first she considered.
"Said the atheist," Alex said with a smirk, knowing Jody was bluffing about espousing hope to any higher power that happened to be listening, but was probably out of service, the former blonde thought.
The drive was short but Jodie tried to drive less sporadic as usual in part so Alex wouldn't throw up in her car and because she also knew how it felt to be drunk and riding with a crazy driver that only added to feeling sick, but Alex didn't look sick to her. When she parked, got out of the car after the former blonde, she trailed her into the apartment and quietly shut the door but immediately took in the lingering beer smell and various bottles adorning the table, counter and floor.
"Had a party?" She pretended to ask, already aware of the likely situation.
"A one person party," Alex said with another smirk, trying to be witty.
"What happened?" Jodie asked clearly cutting to the chase. No one would say she wasn't blunt.
The slightly drunk girl who had never had the chance to really be sober for about three days shrugged. She couldn't really answer the why. She'd considered them and tried to dissect the how and why.
"Marissa broke up with me," she said without any emotion; it was as though she was giving a bored, mandatory science report.
"She broke up with you?" She asked shocked, dropping her consideration and quiet tone.
"Oh, okay, you're very loud," Alex said as she pressed her fingertips to her temple.
"After all you've done for her?" She said exasperated as she asked a clearly rhetorical question.
The taller girl only shrugged and moved her arm back down to her side and visibly deflated. "Lets face it Jody, I don't fit in her world."
"That bitch." Jodie angrily expelled and started to pace.
"Okay, stop that, its making me have a headache." Alex said and turned around to get a beer from the fridge to keep up the pace of the drunkenness.
"Did she say that? I'll kick her ass! And I know she stole my heart necklace." Jodie said without pause and certainty. Not able to stop herself Alex smirked but it vanished after Jodie looked at her expectantly.
"She didn't have to say it. I can't force myself to be in her life." Not sure what to say to that Jodie chose to instead hug her friend and sit, waiting for Alex to talk if she chose to. Though clearly she was in a mood and so when Jodie got a call and had to go she promised Alex they'd talk more. Leaving quietly, Alex looked at the door and again felt empty in her modest, empty apartment. It was desolate, the way Alex felt. The alone-ness that allowed for self medication until she felt like coming up for air. Like being in a pool, holding your breath-feeling suspended and alienated.
The next day she couldn't think of any logical reasons to stop drinking. She was getting used to the continuous, mind numbing effects that she welcomed with open arms and possibly a sexy wink depending on her mood. All the memories swirled around and drove her desire to consume more. To burn away thoughts with liquid escape, which only culminated in a hangover the next morning, resulting in the young woman reaching for the near empty vodka bottle to quell such feelings of sickness. Though if they were psychological or emotional she couldn't tell. The whisper was loud enough to shatter her composure and reality. The lack of action spoke volumes as she stood in silence, shutting down. And it was the silence that added to the emotional inflictions. It could have been screaming, but the quiet was worse when there was so much to say to one another. Its the quiet that's frightening.
That's where she was. In her apartment, listening to the absence of noise, going back in her head over the breakup, how they didn't yell at one another. She had packed her few things and left. She remained standing in the kitchen as Jodie dropped by again. She didn't stay long, Cameron called and they were headed out for a date but she double checked with the former blond to see if she needed anything and even offered to make a few calls or text messages to some women who they both knew wouldn't mind distracting her. Alex declined the invitation, slightly feeling like a piece of meat but knowing that wasn't Jodie's intention.
Another week went by, same routine, although she had become more subtle with drinking at work. For two days she didn't drink at work and chose to stick with coffee. At one point in the day she didn't bother to work for three hours. She just sat there thinking of things she didn't want to think about. The idea of Marissa coming back and knocking on her door. The result of that was she could visualize herself not saying anything as the high school student would walk in and she'd go towards the kitchen but watch the taller girl with apprehension and then she'd grab something out of the cupboard. Marissa would stare at her with a frown and ask- Why do you have salt?
In Alex's daydream she looked back at Marissa after dropping her eyes to the shaker and reply dryly- So you aren't inspired to pour it into my metaphorical wounds.
Fed up with how her daydreams featured Marissa as the main focus and annoyed by how un-witty they were she kept drinking her coffee. The switch to the upper made her feel somewhat discombobulated and so when she got back to her apartment she went for the fridge and grabbed another bottle of v. Hell, her brain wasn't even in the mind frame to produce whole words as she shortened vodka to v. A half hour into sitting down and once again forgetting to eat there was a knock at her door but a second later Jodie came strolling in. At least to Alex it looked akin to a stroll seeing as how most actions were in slow motion.
"What are you doing? I couldn't reach you on your phone. You're behind on work. I never thought I'd say that." She finished bemused but still frustrated.
"All work and no play makes Jodie a dull girl. All work and no play makes Jodie a dull girl. All work and no play makes Jodie a dull girl. All work," the seated, somewhat sprawled out girl said in a sing song fashion.
"Funny," she said with a glare. "Wait. That was actually funny.....which means...you're tipsy!" She said raising her voice.
"I'm fine and you know I'm fine. I'm always fine." She said sitting up straighter to give the impression. Refusing to accept that blatant cover up Jodie went into the kitchen and checked under the sink and the side of the trash where bottles were overflowing from the container.
"The local liquor store may be in business from your revenue, you're single handedly responsible for their profits. Well done," she finished sarcastically.
"Go me," Alex said with a smile. "And they said I wouldn't accomplish anything." She joked with a smirk and once again took another sip that had become far less dull than when she had first started today.
"Ah. See! I knew it." She said, ready for the conversation to grow serious. "Letting your twin stay would make you think about those people who created you," she said with growing annoyance, though both were aware Jodie purposefully chose her syntax to leave out the term parents. "God Alex. You know you have your own life. Okay, you don't have a life now..."
"Har har," she former blond said while slightly moving her head back and forth and then slumped down into her couch.
"Its love Alex!" Jodie screamed at her. Really screamed at her. "Deal with it!." Not bothering to reply the now more than tipsy girl took another gulp of the vodka and couldn't make eye contact with her friend.
"That's it. I'm calling someone and you're going to stop being so immature," the shorter girl said tiredly as she looked down at her friend. Waving her hand in Jodie's direction, in her own way she signaled her co worker and what could be considered a best friend, if she believed in that, to do whatever. At that Jodie headed for the door, knowing she wouldn't get much of a dialog and started dialing on her phone as she left.
Again Alex was left alone with work to do, that she didn't entirely feel focused on, dvds surrounding her, tons of music, a bed she could pass out in, but instead she chose to turn on the TV and channel surf. Flipping through she stopped on a rerun of Saturday Night Live but grew bored. Most people weren't funny during that circuit. Then she stopped on Comedy Central which was rarely funny but Janeane Garofalo was doing her stand-up or it was a repeat. "I guess I just prefer to see the darker side of things. The glass is always half empty and cracked and I just cut my lip on it and chipped a tooth."
"Cheers to that!" The former blond said to the screen, raised her bottle and took a drink. A few more minutes of that but then becoming inevitably bored with the commercials she channel surfed again and came across Dawson's Creek. Trying to figure out why people ever liked the show she tried to watch a few minutes of it before she ended up glaring the characters and screaming, "Fuck you Dawson, I hope you drown in your creek. My hell you're soooo annoying." Then she took another drink, flipped through more channels, wound up on CNN. Taking the time to see what bullshit and misery was happening in the world that week she wasn't shocked to hear about a politician being a class A waste. "They're all crooks!" She screamed again and in frustration quickly went through more channels until she landed on a local indie music show and fell asleep. Her sleep was restive and fragmented. Though she was content when waking to have music in her head in substitution of dreams.
It didn't take long for her brain to kick in at the absence of the taller girl.
You'd think after a week of not exactly being sober I'd wake up and not think about her, but no. Stupid brain. I'm going to put in an order for a new one. Really? Did I even love her? Or did I feel like I wanted to be needed and I liked the emotions that came with it? Or did I want to be the knight in shinning armor or did I love her at all? Or was it just to see if she loved me before?
Halting her thoughts there was a knock at the door. Grumbling and getting up, she looked around, shrugged and decided that apathy was better than caring about the superficial look of her apartment.
"Alex," an attractive woman said after the door was opened. Frowning, the taller woman looked at the visitor and couldn't for the life of her remember where she knew her from.
"No hello? Okay, I'm Jaqueline." She said readjusting her purse on her shoulder. "Jodie said I could come by and talk with you...or...she mentioned I could just yell at you to clean your place." She said with a small smile. In response Alex crossed her arms over her chest for the sake of appearing intimidating but failed considering this girl only smiled a little more and relaxed, appearing patient as she tilted her head a bit to the side.
"We met at a bar once, then Jodie remodeled my place and you came in to check on things but left quickly." She offered. Visibly letting her shoulders drop, Alex felt more calm, it fitting together how they briefly knew of one another.
"And Jodie just called you up and told you to come on over?"
"Not exactly. She, Cameron and I were out getting drinks and she mentioned your current state...and I said something to the effect that I wouldn't mind meeting you again," Jaqueline offered gently and honestly.
"So you're not here to...babysit me?" The former blonde asked with some bitterness at Jodie's audacity to give the go ahead to allow this woman to show up at her apartment.
"No, nothing like that. If anything, this was more a...pre...date," she got out slowly, searching for the right words, but without any tone that implied expectations. At that Alex stood up straighter, a new frown covering her features as let the shock sink in over Jodie's actions. Yes, she knew they were well intentioned but if she wanted a date, she could get one. Why couldn't her friend understand that?
Turning her head she forgot that she had her Ipod going. It was automatic to grab it and plug it into the stereo the minute after she woke and so when Nada Surf's song "Almost Love" and its lyrics-But I never learned enough, to listen to the voice that told me, always love, hate will get you every time....
She ran back into the kitchen and unplugged it. There was no desire to listen to it. She didn't want to be told to take a chance, love, let yourself get hurt. It was a misplaced song that no longer fit her mood no matter how upbeat it sounded.
The only thoughts it inspired were those to the one girl who ever got close enough to cause damage. Looking back, it seemed to be nothing more than a fallacious relationship. Why go through the effort of being open? She resented how she had been vulnerable. As open as she got and in turn she only proved herself right. The first break up should have been cogent enough to not go another round. But somehow her emotions had taken control and in reaction to that she steeled herself. Without sway she had decided to become stoic and unflinching in her cerebral act to throw away feelings. If she turn them into wood she'd toss them in a fire and watch them dissolve into ashes.
When she turned around Jaqueline was still standing in the doorway but kept up her patient disposition by waiting for to be invited in, not wanting to intrude. Taking in a deep breath , unaware of how long she had been lost in though, Alex readied herself and quietly but asked clearly, "Do you want to come in?"
Without words, which Alex appreciated, the already comfortable silence, the woman entered her place and kept eye contact, evidently not caring by the distracting disarray.
"Would you...like to watch a movie," Alex offered, looking over at her TV.
"Sure," Jaqueline replied without an overeager tone, though it still managed to come out nicely. It was obvious she was comfortable with herself and didn't need to put on fake enthusiasm. The next two minutes the former blonde spent finding a movie but couldn't really decide, her mind preoccupied by other things.
"What are you in the mood for?" Alex asked to be considerate.
"Something light, if I watch a horror movie I'm going to be worrying about my kid," Jaqueline said off offhandedly which made Alex raise her eyebrows.
"You have a kid?" She said shocked and looked over the woman more who didn't look over 24 and had a slim build.
"Yeah, she's almost a year old. My sister's watching her right now, probably teaching her bad things...but she'll get away with murder so...no worries there," she said with another small smile.
Hell, she's cute.
"Ah...how old are you...if you don't mind my asking?" Alex posed the question with interest but trepidation to avoid offense.
"Thirty," Jacqueline responses with self annoyance.
She doesn't look a day over 26 so what the hell. She thought and looked back at her collection of films.
"You don't look thirty...."she said still looking at the movies but shook her head. "Mind picking one out...I'm probably not in the best mood to choose?" Alex continued.
"I could tell," Jaqueline offered gently "and its not a problem," she said as she leaned down next to Alex who looked at the older woman's profile. Her eyes were a nice light blue, she had sun freckles, and an intense concentration but overall relaxed way about her. Stretching to a stand position Alex quickly picked up the beer bottles and other things around couch and put them quietly in the kitchen or under the sink in the recycling.
"You could tell?" Alex said a little louder than her norm as she was disposing of the evidence of her self destruction.
Nodding, Jaqueline looked over to Alex and said without any pretentiousness, "Masters in psychology," as as a means to explain.
By the time the sluggish business woman was done Jaqueline had picked a movie. The coffee table, that never had coffee on it was now clear and they had settled into the couch. It wasn't odd that they were sitting close together. What was odd was how relaxed Alex felt. She didn't feel pressured by Jaqueline to be a certain way. For the next hour they laughed at the humor and at some point the former blonde paused it after Jaqueline had inquired to where the bathroom was. But before she told her, Alex asked if she wanted popcorn or something to drink, anything, name it and she'd make it.
"Its your night off, right? Go crazy," she said with a smirk that wasn't playful but more sarcastic because she doubted Jaqueline, the seemingly preppy woman would let go considering her child.
"If you could make me one cosmopolitan I'd appreciate it. Jodie said you're a bartender too," she said while she got up from the couch fluidly.
"That I can do. And its down the hallway to your right, first door," she replied as she removed herself from the couch as well. For a few minutes she made what she knew was a killer cosmo. It had layers of flavor to it and so when they resumed the movie and Jaqueline took her first sip she closed her eyes and let out a light moan. It wasn't sexual, but it was full of contentment and the lingering notion that wanted to preserve the moment.
"That is...the bomb," said the preppy woman with a goofy grin.
"That bomb huh?" Alex said with a smirk. Unable to remember the last time she heard that colloquial phrase.
"Mmm, you bet." Jaqueline said with a knowing smile as though she knew that her company was thinking she's a dork, but on the contrary Alex found it surprisingly cute that a woman who had her masters would say-the bomb. It was so out of place that it was charming.
"It might be the alcohol from earlier speaking, but...you're cute," Alex said bluntly, holding Jaqueline's gaze.
"That didn't take long," the older woman said with amusement as she set the drink on the table, leaning over, giving Alex a clear view of the tendons in her neck, collar bone, and slim arms.
"What do you mean?" The relaxed girl said with a frown.
"You..." she said, leaning back into the couch and narrowing her eyes, "know that you're charming...and...you can't stand when people lie, so to many people I'm sure you come off as abrasive when really you'd just like people to be honest with you," she finished with calm certainty that left Alex feeling disarmed and made her lean away from the woman. Not from fear but simple dismay that she could be picked apart so easily.
"Fine, don't accept the compliment," she said with a small smirk, brushing off the comment and picked up the remote to press play. She managed to hear the older woman laugh over the movie though.
"How old are you?" Jaqueline asked curiously.
"Nineteen," Alex said, making eye contact again with her guest.
"You're younger than Jodie? Didn't expect that. You're so young," she said with a sigh.
"Yeah, and you're so ancient," she said back with well rounded sarcasm.
"You act older," Jaqueline said a few minutes later without any judgmental implications. After Alex could feel her observe her from the corner of her vision. She only shrugged in return, but her shoulders felt heavy.
"And you're cute as well," Jaqueline said gently but with amusement. For the first time her voice indicated interest and intention, but her body language was still calm and she still came off as a nonthreatening presence.
The movie went unwatched as Jaqueline slowly leaned in and kissed the younger girl. It was simple and sweet, not full of passion, but it was considerate in its slow pace. The former blonde acknowledged that it was nice to not be the one to make the first move for once. It took the pressure off but instead of feeling content with the moment that provided escapism she wanted to cry. The kissing was empty with this stranger. Pulling back painstakingly slow, beating herself up for stopping when this woman was clearly her type, a more mature type but still had potential.
I still want Marissa. Son of a bitch. She chastised herself and frowned.
Jaqueline leaned back into the couch and smirked at her, removing her hand that had cupped Alex's jaw.
"You still love her," she said knowingly without any bitterness. Alex chose to remain silent.
"No hard feelings, you're interesting and this has been relaxing," she continued as she rested her head in her hand while her arm was propped up on the back of the couch. Her appearance was still laid back and Alex appreciated how easy it was to be around this woman, though she still managed to beat herself up for loving Marissa when she felt compelled to avoid it. There were over a hundred reasons to not care for the girl.
"Mmm," Alex hummed tiredly from the numerous thoughts clashing in her head.
"Are you going to stop drinking anytime soon?" The woman asked, again without any judgment but containing mere interest. Not able to stop herself and annoyed that it was obvious she was purposefully drinking herself into oblivion she sighed.
"Probably not," she said honestly.
"That's unfortunate. You were more attractive sober," she said with a smirk. There wasn't any sexual tension, but this woman enjoyed joking around for the hell of it. "I should go," she said lightly and didn't allow Alex to interject as she got up smoothly and bent down to get her purse.
"Hey....thanks for coming over." Alex said quietly as she leaned against her door.
"It was worth the try," Jaqueline replied nonchalantly. Before she left she slowly leaned in and left a very gentle, whisper of a kiss on Alex's cheek. "And I hope you aren't so unhappy in the near future," she said with care and compassion. It was raw and unnecessary but sweet. Giving a light smile back the former blonde relaxed against her door.
"Have a goodnight," she said barely above a whisper, her energy feeling drained and to a small degree she hated herself for not being more open to this person but as she shut the door she again felt empty and resigned herself to the couch again. She stared at the blank TV and wanted to get up to grab another drink but she was busy holding in her self hatred. Picking up the pillow next to her she pushed it delicately into her face, held the material until her fingers were digging into the cushion as she screamed for five seconds. The muffle helped but was also a way to contain her emotions. She never let herself go. The only time she even smoked was when she had the intention to self harm. And even then it had to be at night and cold out. At the moment she let the last of her energy pilfer out as her voice died out. Slowly removing the pillow from her hold she sat stock still and focused on breathing. When she got bored with that and the lame attempt to meditate she got up, opened her fridge and got another beer. Leaning against the counter she was half way through with the beer as there was a knock at her door. Frowning, she slowly walked to the door, the beer hitting the side of her leg as she pulled the door open.
"What are you two competing or something?"
The former blonde, not in the mood for the conversation that she assumed would end badly, gave a disconcerting nod and tried to shut the door on the girl.
"Making yourself numb isn't going to help," she said annoyed and stopped the door from closing in her face. "It'd be pointless for me to tell you what she do," she said with a sigh. "But stop being so guarded," she said raising her voice a bit.
"This," she said while holding the beer bottle at the top of the neck and leaving her index and middle finger out as though indicating the empty room, "works for me." The absence of people and the loner status was obvious. Of course. What comes after happiness? The fallout. Or the bitter reality that you can't hold onto it. At that thought she lifted the bottle to take another sip. She felt lame and impassive while doing it.
"No, but go ahead and think that," the tone came off as annoyed but also accepting of the not so sober girl's view. Summer took the bottle away from her best friend's ex just as she was nearing it to her lips. Keeping her voice calm and level to avoid any confrontation and to make her point maturely, the shorter girl continued. "You're both pathetic in your own ways," she said tiredly as though she was already losing patience with the other girl.
"And you want us to be pathetic together?" Alex asked with bitter amusement. "Great logic," she finished sarcastically and made to go back into her apartment.
"That beer really must be killing your brain cells," Summer replied without missing a beat and followed the other woman into her apartment seeing as how she left the door open and hadn't tried to keep her from entering again. Stopping immediately and abruptly turning around Alex spun on her heels and was ready to inform Summer she could leave, the smaller woman beat her to the chase and interjected, "You're drinking so you don't have to feel. Its weak and a cop-out. Marissa's trying to not be conscious. That's her M.O. And it needs to change. So I come here, to tell you to go talk to her and look at this, the two of you are in the same boat. The same drunken boat."
"Are you getting to a point?" Alex interrupted as she rubbed her eyes to try to wake up and focus on the over protective girl.
"You're suppose to be the mature one and talk to her and fix things," Summer said quickly and contained a tone that was full of expectations.
"I don't have to do anything. She broke up with me...again, let me remind you," she said bitterly.
Summer waved her hand back and forth, dismissing what had been said.
"You're like twenty-five, you should be the one with her head on her shoulders," she said impatiently.
"I'm nineteen," she said as she rolled her eyes.
"Nineteen!" The smaller girl said. Her eyes widening.
"Yeah," she replied, annoyed, considering that as Marissa's best friend she should have known.
"You act older," Summer said with a frown.
"So I've been told," Alex replied while she leaned against the counter more.
"I mean...you have your own business, Jodie's older, you look older," she continued.
"Do you have a point at all to this visit?" Alex asked losing the little patience she had.
"You didn't have to validate yourself to Marissa." She said quickly but with conviction which earned a frown from the taller girl, prompting her to verbalize her line of thought. "You don't always have to protect her, you don't have to work all the time to support the two of you, you don't have to be serious as often as you are," she said calmly.
"So you want me to change myself completely?" Alex interrupted again, becoming livid at the undertone.
"No, that's not even what I'm saying."
"That kind of is what you're saying. More or less..." she said pressing her hand to the side of her head and bring it back down to the counter, her gaze cast downward to the floor. "I wasn't enough basically."
"No. Alex, listen. Focus here. You were more than enough. She wanted more of you. Not to pull away." she offered. "Its been a month. You haven't contacted her at all," Summer said with some annoyance.
"She broke up with me, that's a good indication she doesn't want me around," Alex said logically.
"You don't just quit. Marissa wanted you to try. The point was if your relationship was worth the fight." Summer said with certainty.
"Did she tell you that?" the former blond asked, narrowing her eyes.
"No, not exactly...okay, not at all." Summer said and shifted her weight from one side to the next. "She barely said anything dealing with you two. Not even at that concert you bought the tickets for." She mumbled offhandedly as though realizing it herself.
"That's what I thought. So...nice try, but I'm not going to fight. Not today or tomorrow. Its not my job." Alex said resolutely while she slowly lifted her hands in a gesture of surrender and shook her head.
"Fine, have another drink then. I'll tell Marissa to do the same," Summer turned and said louder so Alex could hear her.
"Wait, that's bullshit. Try to make her stop drinking. I...I don't want her to drink," she finally said, barely above a whisper at the end.
"And I'm sure if she were sober enough she'd think the same thing for you." Summer said gently, aware that Alex still cared but couldn't bring herself to talk to her best friend and shut the door, leaving Alex to think alone or bury herself in drinking. But there were too many thoughts in her head so she couldn't bring herself to take to the bottle, even though it had been her muse for the past few weeks.
Without realizing it she had spent three days sober since Summer's impromptu visit. She wouldn't give her the credit, but she knew it had a small factor in her aversion to her ritualized self-deprecation.
Jodie had also helped when she had come into the office the next day, after Summer's arrival with Liv and said point blankly, "I'm not looking after her anymore. I love her, Cam loves her, but she's yours and you need something to care for, so shape up, stop drinking, knock it off completely! And eat more than a meal a day. Cam said you were looking too thin," she said bluntly and walked out leaving the little dog behind.
Two hours later, Alex in a rare moment, walked into her friend's office while Liv jumped at her ankels to be picked up and said thank you. Jodie nodded and knowingly said, "You needed it," then continued with her work. At a later time they both knew they'd have a longer discussion, but not today.
The next evening as she was trying to fall asleep she couldn't stop her mind from wandering. What if I was wrong and she loved me? It was my fault if I pushed and she thought there wasn't another option. But...she shouldn't have assumed it was my job to fight to keep us an us. I shouldn't be the one to always make it right. At that she was becoming annoyed, her back tensing. It really wasn't her role in their relationship to always hold them together. Maybe she loved me, maybe she didn't. Those were her last thoughts as she fell asleep with Liv next to her, asleep on the floor in her comfy bed.
When morning came she had woken up at five AM and decided she wasn't going to fall back asleep even if she did something that was a cross between meditation and half sleep. As a last resort of feeling like herself, the centered version, she grabbed her surf board that had been discarded in the closet. Time to ditch the drinking and pick up her life for what seemed to be the fifth time. She had lost count. Getting out of bed she looked over at Liv and let the pup sleep in.
By the time she was out and in the waves, slowly getting accustomed to the current she breathed in deeply and let out a calm breath. It was almost instantaneous how her mind had shifted into a more peaceful state. Her body and all its tense muscles followed soon after, almost as though the memory of surfing had to be soothed into them. She had spent almost an hour and a half riding the waves, sailing through them, cutting into them, gliding and moving with them. Coming out of the ocean, she felt to a small extent reborn. Not in a way that had anything to do with religion. It was about her body, her core, her heart that nature had revitalized.
It wasn't until she saw a familiar figure that the beautiful effects of the water felt stripped away. Standing on the beach, right in front of her Jeep was Marissa.
Taking in a chiseled breath that caught in her chest she tucked her board under her arm and slowly walked towards her, not thinking of forming words or a hello, she didn't know what to feel. It was too much and at the same time she felt...disappointed...of their past. They didn't even need to be in this situation, they should have never gotten to this place. Frowning at the slightly taller girl she stood and waited, feeling that common courtesy of a hello would cheapen the moment or would offend anything they previously had.
"You looked good out there," Marissa said softy and with some uncertainty. It was painfully clear how insecure the high schooler was at their unsteady foundation. The former blond didn't have anything to say to that. It wasn't as though she was focused on how she looked as she surfed. If anything it was the most uninhibited thing she did.
"I....I wanted to..talk to you," Marissa said nervously as she moved her hands into her pockets more, her arms coming in stiffly at her sides.
"Okay," Alex said patiently, not expecting anything to go well, but would still allow her ex to say what she wanted. Placing the surfboard's end into the sand she dug it into the sand as best as she could and held onto its side.
"That...out there," she said taking her right hand from her pocket and pointing to the waves, the sea that un-apologetically took things, gave life, and brought death in a cyclical manner, "is the one I fell in love with," she said gently. "Not the workaholic," she finished with certainty and put her hand back in the pocket.
"Okay," the surfer said, this time unsure what to say to Marissa.
"But I could fall in love with you...again," she said meeting blue eyes. She couldn't hear the waved anymore. All of sense, each one was individually tuning out and zeroing in on the words and letting them seep in.
"So what are you saying?" Alex said with a frown and apprehension, slowly processing the words, mentally treading where she had no experience.
"You're beautiful in a way that there's layers and even if a person had years to know you...I don't think they'd see it all," she said smoothly and Alex had to acknowledge how it seemed somewhat poetic and bare.
"And....I want to spend years seeing it all." She said taking a small step forward. "You're stubborn, you're one of the most...emotionally reserved person I know...but I know that you think a lot and...I hope I'm not wrong when I assume...that I saw sides to you that I don't think others have seen." She paused and Alex took in a long breath to steady herself.
"You're not wrong," Alex said quietly after a moment of painful, tense silence that built onto Marissa's self-consciousness.
Slowly nodding, letting it sink in what Alex had admitted, probably begrudgingly, she took another small step forward. "Okay....things should have been different....I don't think I've ever asked you this before...and I'm sorry. What do you want?" Marissa asked with undivided attention. Her eyes intense as she quietly asked something that was rarely if ever asked to the former blonde. The question was clear but implied whole world. What did she want. And to ask it, with pure consideration and desire to know her thoughts was both refreshing and shocking at how unselfish it was. It felt like an overload. Frowning she picked up her surfboard and made her way to the Jeep, unable to think that the moment was real.
It was the soft hold on her wrist that stopped her. Turning around she immediately looked up at Marissa and took in the tears that were resting in her eyes, begging to stay in for the sake of self respect, but gravity won out. An invisible force, much like emotions that could compel things to fall apart. And they could fall apart, hard and so painfully without any care at the aftermath and damage. It was the tears that made Alex react and pull Marissa closer. She hated to see her cry, she'd seen it enough and too many times when it was close to the edge. Pulling back she looked at the girl who could inspire so much in her. Her eyes that contained their own waves-emotions, passion, her soul, was giving into the unadulterated, considerate embrace that Alex had her in. It was as though something had shifted inside of her and she felt more calm, more composed and full.
"I...," she started to say as Marissa moved her arms around her shoulders, her own arms wrapping around Marissa's waist more and gently pulling her closer. The fit nearly perfect, if perfection were possible. She had missed how they complimented each other, the pieces moving into place while Marissa moved her hand to the back of her neck as the other barely cupped Alex jaw, leaving the ghosts of a delicate embrace.
"I love you," she whispered. A second later Marissa's lips were on hers. It wasn't a re-acquaintance or a hesitant kiss, she wanted to express longing from the missed time, a desperate giving in that she wanted to commit to memory and Alex did the same. Barely hearing the waves as she felt Marissa's warm skin under her hands she let out a soft sigh as Marissa took her bottom lip into her mouth.
"I love you too," Marissa said with her lips still against hers in an ephemeral touch as the ocean crashed louder. The tide receding as they both slowly realized they always met, broke and reformed with its presence next to them.
Author's Note: Enjoy yourselves.
