Jack Sparrow was already out of France within the hour, making the French pilot go especially fast to get to the Bahamas on time.
How did Jack get the pilot to go through with a cross-Atlantic homicide mission to kill Johnny Depp? Simple: Jack had a hostage.
Probably the sexiest hostage in the world.
"Fly the plane or I cut my face!!" Jack threatened.
" I do not know what you are saying, because I am French, but I know it has to do with your face!! Please, don't hurt it!! I have a man-crush on it!! "
The pilot flew even faster.
"That's it, Frenchy… faster! Or… should I say:" Jack looked into his French-to-Slurred, Drunken Pirate Dialect dictionary.
"Um…Plus rapidement!!" Jack said, pronouncing it wrong.
Once again, the man flew faster.
Hours passed by, with Jack occasionally yelling at the confused, only semi-heterosexual pilot. Jack knew it would take a long time to get to the Bahamas, even with this flying metal thingy… but he never knew it was going to be this BORING.
"Geez… do you at least have, like… a book or something?" Jack asked, STILL not making the connection that the French pilot could not understand him.
" Once again, I do not understand you, but, please do not hurt your face!! You are… how I believe the English say "hott" ." The pilot replied.
Jack groaned and sat upside down on his seat next to the pilot.
"I am soooooooooooo bored." He said, hanging his head, letting the blood run to his head.
"This is KINDA' like getting drunk…"
Jack looked at his arms, which were hanging lazily next to his head, and considered biting them: he never knew what they tasted like… and he WAS that bored to find out.
" Monsieur! Why are you eating your arm!? You are some weird-ass dude! "
Jack already stopped gnawing his arm, it didn't taste as good as he thought.
"Frenchy, I haven't faintest idea what you're saying."
HOURS AND HOURS LATER
"Frenchy? Are we the-ere-ere yet?" Jack said, groaning.
He was soooooo bored he started counting the seconds.
"I'm up to, like… 14,000 and I think we should be getting close to- HEY!!" Jack's sudden expression of shock was brought about by looking over the side of the plane, which was currently flying over land.
"Hey! Where are we Frenchy?"
Jack did not keep track of where they were because he was so preoccupied by counting, he didn't even notice they had crossed over land about ten minutes ago.
" I am sorry, monsieur: I do not now what you're yelling about, but you really didn't tell me WHERE we were going, you just threw me into the plane! "
This was bad; Jack didn't know how far into land and he had a pilot that was unable to tell him.
Then, like so many times before in this story, Jack realized something he should have taken into consideration: he didn't know which island Johnny was on.
He had to jump now, onto land or water: he wasn't going to screw this up.
Jack immediately leaped to the back of the small plane, grabbing one of the three parachutes and quickly strapping them onto himself. He opened the door, a gust of wind whipped his dreadlocks into his face.
"Ban Zure, Frenchy!" Jack said, leaping from the small plane, emitting yet another falsetto, effeminate scream.
Jack was preoccupied with his woman-screaming so did not open the parachute when he should have, as he neared the shore of a beach.
Jack screamed like little girl he was until his feet touched ground and he ran across the sandy beach until slowing to a stop.
There he stood, a parachute attached to his back, his feet sinking in the sand.
The large beach he stood on inhabited no people. This beach looked familiar, with its surrounding foliage and ocean.
Too familiar…
Then, Jack heard something… it was faint… a soft whisper in his ears… but he heard it… it was coming from the subtropical forest.
Jack took off the "backpack" that contained his parachute, and started to run towards the noise.
Ten minutes he ran, and the noise only increased slightly. Jack stopped to catch his breath.
"Where there are humans… there are people and… wait…" Jack decided to rephrase his self-motivation.
"Where there is noise… there are humans… and where there are humans… there is someone who can tell me where Johnny is."
Jack smiled a wide smile to himself, threw his head back and laughed maniacally.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
Jack got something in his throat and cough, before returning to his maniacal laughter.
He ran on, a new inspiration inside his heart and mind. Jack didn't know how freaking lucky he was when he found the noise at it's loudest when he reached a chain link fence with signs that said "Keep Out".
Beyond the tall fence (which well surpassed Jack's height) was a congregation of different tents, trailers and scattered objects and machinery.
Jack stayed hidden behind a tree as he looked upon the different assortment of people running about and giving commands.
"This-" Jack began to think –"must be some sort of settlement…I'll ask them if they no where Johnny is… he's famous… someone must know."
Jack stepped forward just a little bit, leaping onto the fence when no one was around to see him do it. (He didn't want to look like some burglar or something…)
Jack struggled for only a moment, but managed to pull himself over and down onto the other side of the fence.
Jack surveyed his surroundings: no one was there to see him climb over the fence.
Let me just note that Jack, unfortunately, was still wearing the clothes he bought a few days ago in France, and looked like nothing more than a common, sexier-than-normal man in jeans and a t-shirt with funky looking dreadlocks.
Jack slowly walked around the "settlement" until someone came up to him and held his shoulder.
It was a man, short with balding hair who seemed to recognized him and addressed him casually:
"Hey! Marc! How are ya', buddy? What the hell are you wearing? You were supposed to be in wardrobe five minutes ago! And that ain't yer costume!"
The stout man laughed at his own joke that Jack didn't understand.
"Um… I got lost going to "wardrobe"…" Jack said, playing along instead of protesting that "Marc" wasn't his name.
"Oh, well, that's simple: I'll walk with you." The stout man said, putting his hand on Jack's back and walking with him, chuckling.
"Should I ask HIM where Johnny is? Or will he just make a stupid joke and laugh it despite the fact it has no comedic value?" Jack asked himself, in his head.
Jack decided to step into the makeshift "building" labeled wardrobe/makeup and leave behind the fat, laughing man.
Inside, there were several people in chairs having makeup applied to their face in front of large mirrors.
There were also large racks of clothing in clear bags labeled with people's names.
One label caught his eye, however, and he immediately pulled it off the rack.
Once looking at its contents, Jack squealed and hugged the bag.
The label read: "J.SPARROW/DOUBLE"
Inside, was his clothes: his puffy shirt, his vest, his sash, his baldric, his bandana: even his rings were ALL there!
And, below them, on the ground, stood his beautiful, leather boots.
It took Jack but a moment to launch himself into the bathroom and change forthwith.
When he emerged, he bounded out of the wardrobe department in giant strides.
"I-AM-" Jack leapt up into the air "SPARROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!"
Jack started to hug himself, glee consuming his entire body. However, his gallivanting was interrupted by one voice.
Just one.
And, for the first time in months, Jack was still. He neither moved nor spoke. The one voice made him as dead as ever.
One voice made the blood of Jack Sparrow run cold, and faded his smile. It was a voice he remembered the first time he heard it.
The voice he vowed to silence.
"Hey? Are you the stunt double?"
Jack turned around on his feet to stare the voice in the eye.
"Wow… they really got a double that looks like me... I mean, that is just AMAZING!"
Said Johnny Depp.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Not bad for a second season opener, eh? OOOH!!! I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo excited!!! What's jack gonna' do-oo!?
