Entry 11
So, I was walked downstairs this morning, still in my 'I declare a thumb war' tee shirt. sweats, and some extremely fury slippers, so thirsty I felt like I hadn't had anything to drink in 10 years.
Wow. That would mean I hadn't drunk anything since I was 6. Well, almost 7 since my birthday is in a week and a half.
HOLY SHIT WHEN DID IT GET TO BE AUGUST?
Oh my Merlin, it really is August 1st isn't? Holy fuck.
Sorry, I digress.
But back to this morning…
FLASHBACK!
I walked down to kitchen (not the huge one the house elves have, but the normal one that we can cook food for ourselves in, the one that is by the nice cozy den we all chill in…anyway) And Charlotte and James were in there, while James attempted to make pancakes. I say attempting because apparently the pancake mix box was expired and he had to make it from scratch.
I felt like I was in potions. His 'pancake mix' was lumpy, and a sickly light green. How?
I have no idea.
"James, damnit, just get a house elf to make them for you,"
"No! I can make fucking pancakes by myself!"
"Someone is cranky this morning…" Charlotte muttered.
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T GET LAID LAST NIGHT?
You know the other night when my mother fucking period got in the way? Well, last night we were all hot and heavy, just like that night, we were panting and sweaty and acting like the horny little teenagers we are when he goes and says 'that this isn't the time.' And leaves!
What the fuck does that mean? I am fucking ready! I am ready to be fucking!
What does that mean, it isn't the right time? It isn't the right time for what? Making pancakes? Yes, I agree with you there, but it is SO time for James Matthew Fucking Potter to be fucking his totally fuckable girlfriend!
What if I'm not fuckable?
Oh my god, what if he is gay! I always thought that Sirius and James were a little too close, you know what I mean? What if when he said 'its not the right time' he was thinking 'its not the right time to tell you I'm actually gay."
Which, I am ashamed to admit, but will tell you because you are a journal and therefore can not judge me, the thought of James and Sirius being together, as in together is actually really hot.
I am such a perv! I can't believe I wrote that. But seriously, you trying to imagine smoking hot Sirius all over Smug sexy James and tell me you don't get hot and bothered…holy shit…way too dirty images are running through my mind right now…
Eek! Hyperventilating now…I hope no one ever reads this…I'm so sick.
And kinky…
Anyways! Back to the flashback…
I helped James fix his monstrous pancake mix when Sirius comes down in only a pair of boxers that read "Spooning leads to Forking!"
I burst out laughing, and he just cocked an eyebrow at me, very saucily, and said, "yes?"
"Nothing, I just can't imagine Sirius Black ever spooning with anyone."
He looked at me very confused. I pointedly looked at his boxers and he sniggered.
"Sorry, I thought you were just checking out my junk when I walked in."
"That would explain why I was laughing." I retorted, feeling proud of myself for thinking of that comeback.
"Ooh, Lily, you hurt me." He placed his hand over his heart.
I rolled my eyes. "Please. If you want me to be checking out your junk, as you so rudely put it, you'll have to put in your time. James had to wait years before any of the good stuff happened."
"You wanna bet? I have some full proof material that I can use against any witch at any time." Sirius bragged.
Charlotte snorted, a very un-like Charlotte thing to do, "Do you now? Lets hear it, then."
"Ok, Is your name "Avada Kedvra"? 'Cause you've got a killer bod." Sirius said, wiggling his eye brows at Charlotte and I. We both sighed and rolled our eyes.
"That's the best you got?" James said, finally making some progress with cooking his pancakes.
"Like you could do better!" Sirius shot back.
"Fine, I declare a pick up line war!" We all stared at James like he was mental. "What…I got inspired by your shirt…" I looked down at my tee and laughed.
"Checking out my junk, James?"
"All the time, Lily Flower…" He said dreamily.
"Oi!" Sirius chucked a fork at James, which James caught without turning his head (which I admit was extremely sexy.)
"Hey, no forks before spooning!" Charlotte said smirking.
"Whatever," Sirius said in a huff, "Our pick up line war? I accept."
"Fine, game on." James said, all serious.
Wow. That was a freaky sentence. Since he was serious, but not Sirius…I bet he gets really tired with that punn…
James walked over to me and said, "We may not be in Mr. Flitwicks class, but you're still charming."
Sirius scoffed and turned to Charlotte. At least they werent saying these to each other…hopefully that proves they're not gay lovers…
"Without you I feel like I'm in Azkaban and dementors are sucking away my soul." Sirius said, his words pouring from his lips like liquid sex, I visually saw Charlotte's eye lids flutter as she swooned.
"Being without you is like being under the Cruciatus Curse." James said sweetly, making my heart skip a beat without my permission. Pick up lines don't ever work…right?
"You know, Hagrid's not the only giant on campus." Sirius wiggled his eye brows at Charlotte again, who laughed at him.
"I must have had some Felix Felicis because I think I'm about to get lucky." James fired back.
"I've been whomping my willow thinking about you."
"OI! THAT'S MY SISTER!"
"Yeah, your incredibly hot sister." Sirius replied with a slight smirk on his plump lips. James grumbled something and flipped a pancake rather hostilely.
"Fine, I can get pervy too." James turned to me. "Do you know the Petrificus Totalus spell?" I nodded, bewilderled. "Because you make me stiff."
I laughed as Sirius shot back his next one.
"You know Platform 9 and 3/4? Well I know something else with the same exact measurements."
James snorted so we all looked at him. "Sorry…I thought this was a pick up line contest…not a pick up lying contest…"
"Oh, very clever." Sirius sneered, then turned to me, "And I wasn't lying, just to let you know…in case you ever want to ditch this jerk off…"
"Um, still here!" Charlotte said, looking more than a little peeved.
"Oh baby…" He said silkily, "Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?" She looked a little less huffy.
"You know, when I said, "Accio hottie," I didn't expect it to work!" James said, continuing the banter.
Melanie walked in, looking thoroughly disturbed.
"Pick up line war!" I told her. She looked down at my shirt and shook her head.
"And all before noon…"
"A couple nights with me and Moaning Myrtle will have to get a new nickname." Sirius said to Charlotte.
"Want to learn to speak troll? I can get you grunting in no time."
"Do what?" Remus said from the stair case.
"Pick up line war!" We all said, still laughing from James' last line.
Remus scoffed. "Amateurs." He walked down the stair case, and leaned in toward Charlotte, Mel, and I and whispered, "I'm not an Animagus but sometimes I can be real animal."
We all burst out laughing, but I saw Mel blush.
"Want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own." Sirius said.
James looked at me and continued with, "If you were a quaffle and I was a chaser during a quidditch match, I'd score with you."
"Of course, you had to mention Quidditch…"
Sirius took that as a challenge and looked at me and said, "You look like you'd be a good Quidditch player. Want to ride my broomstick?"
"NO!"
"You know, the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I think it's because like Godric Gryffindor himself, I too have an impressive sword." Sirius said smugly. I detect some compensation going on here….He has mentioned how 'endowed' he is way more times than the others…
"The sorting hat says you should be in my house...wait ...whats that...it also says you should be in my bed." James countered.
"If I try hard enough, I can get a really big patronus. All I have to do is think of happy things." Lupin said, and then something truly disturbing happened. They all turned toward each other.
"If I were going to produce a patronus, you'd be my happy thought." James said.
"The thought of you makes something vast and silver erupt from my wand!" Sirius trump them with.
Then it started getting very weird, they just started yelling the pick up lines at each other:
James: "Are you speaking parseltongue? 'Cause you're talking to my snake."
Lupin: "Your smile's like expelliarmus: simple but disarming" (Sirius rolled his eyes at that one.)
Sirius: "Girls call me "Aguamenti." Everytime they hear my name, they get wet."
I turned to Charlotte and Mel on that one and mouthed 'ew!' they nodded in agreement.
James: "What's the password to your portrait?"
Lupin: "I don't know a thing about Merlin's pants, but I'd love to get into yours!"
James: "Is that a mirror in your pants? Cuz I can see myself in them."
Sirius: "Could I borrow your wand? I need to practice my 'swish and flick.'"
"Ok this is just getting nasty…I feel like they're hitting on each other…" Charlotte said, and I, of course, start to panic. So I start telling Mel and Charlotte about what happened last night and how I'm starting to think James meant it wasn't time to come out of the closet. Every now and again through my story I heard a pick up line and a few sniggers.
James: "You're like a bottle of Skele-Gro: growing me a bone."
I rolled my eyes, "So, you don't think they're gay do you?"
"Of course not…" Melanie said, not sounding all that certain.
"Thanks. That was convincing." I said sarcastically.
"Well, this is modern times…"
"Still not helping!"
Lupin: "I can be your house elf. I'll do whatever you want and I don't need any clothes."
Mel blushed scarlet on that one.
"So how are things going between you two?" I asked Mel.
"OK, I guess."
"You know, he thinks you're seeing some one else."
"What!" Melanie yelled a whisper.
"Yeah, I think you two should sit down and really talk…"
"Did you slip some firewhiskey into my drink, or are you just getting hotter?" I heard Sirius say.
"I'm offically grossed out now…" Charlotte whispered. "And totally regretting getting back together with him…"
"I think he loves you." I said to her.
"Why don't you come tame my dragon?" James said.
"Or he loves James…." Charlotte said, making a strange face.
"You don't have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on." Lupin said.
"Ok, that's it. I can't take it anymore."
They all nodded and watched me walk up to James, "Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
He smiled down at me. "I believe my wand is upstairs."
"Hmmm…" I ran my hand down his chest. "Well that's a shame…"
"Why?" He said, his breathing slightly ragged.
"Because then you might not have burned your precious pancakes."
"Shit!" He ran over to the stove and the charred pancake.
We all laughed at him and went to take a seat.
"So what do you guys want to do today?" James asked, walking over to join us, I turned toward him to answer. However, he tripped on my slippers that I had left while we were watching the pick up line war at the bar. James came toppling down to the tile floor, landing right below me. He groaned in pain, as I saw some blood trickle through the grout of the tile.
"Did you cast Impervio on me? Cause when I'm near you I can't control my body." He said with a small grin.
Then he promptly passed out.
And before we all properly freaked out and called for help, I heard Sirius say, as he leaned over to stare down at his unconcious friend "Damn. He wins."
Hey guys! I had some serious inspiration today because I was reading a fic and the author said to go find 'harry potter bad pick up lines' so I wrote this based on the fact that I stared at the screen laughing my ass off for 30minutes, and knew I had to write this for you all!
I'll still update on Sunday, and it will pick up right where I left off (hence I kept the August 1st line) I just wanted to treat you with –hopfully—a laugh!
Love,
Jenna
