Right before my eyes
I saw the whole world lose control

The whole world lost control, before my eyes, uh huh...

I fell through the floor

I couldn't take it any more

Can't take it any more, it breaks my mind, uh huh...

-Right Before My Eyes, by Cage the Elephant

Alex rounded the corner of the barracks and started walking up to D Unit's.

The whole business with Rat was really tiring him. He knew that technically, he was in the wrong, but it seemed his former friend had never heard of the word 'forgiveness', because god knew Alex had tried to make amends.

Then he'd remember his cruel words and a pang of guilt would twist his stomach.

He didn't like guilt. Pain, he could handle. Loss, he'd experienced. Fear was almost a friend by now, as well as terror, and hatred was part of him. Agony was a festering being he'd had since fourteen, and insanity was like a lover. Yes, he hated all the feelings, and that spawned more hatred, and yes, he would never be able to cope with them, but to some extent he could look outside of himself and feel pity, sympathy. In the end, it wasn't his fault.

But guilt; guilt meant he'd done something wrong. Something he couldn't go back and change. Guilt didn't even hurt, it swelled, and grew, like a fat disease and it wasn't painful at all. Because the wrong hadn't been done to him, it had been done to someone else, by him. And when he looked outside of himself and saw the miserable creature full of guilt, with smoky trails of regret, all he felt was disgust.

He wanted to sort it out. Alex had been friends with Rat for only a year, but their bond was something strong, something unforgettable. The friendship he had was one he treasured above all; the one he'd wanted when joining SAS. He had bonds with the others, but now one had crumbled (and so easily, a few words, an exposed lie, and it was dust) he could see the fractures in the others, the painful fragility of each one.

Alex swung open the door of his barracks and stepped in, glaring at the floor. He closed it behind him and walked over to his bunk, only then realising K Unit was there as well as the other three of D Unit, and all were staring at him. "Hi, guys..." he said. They kept staring at him, eyes wide, though Rat's gaze was downcast and unreadable. "Would you quit staring at me like that?" he finally burst out, exasperated.

They slowly all turned away. Now none would meet his eyes. Leopard's fists were slightly clenched, and Wolf and Lion were white. Monkey looked shocked and Eagle searching, while Snake had a curious sort of expression on his face.

Alex connected the dots.

"Rat?" he said, aghast. "You told them?"

Except it wasn't really a question, it was a statement. And he couldn't even feel betrayed, because he was too full of guilt, and he realised Rat was perfectly within his rights to have told them and he should've expected it, but- no, there was no but, Rat had told them that he was fifteen and everything had lost control, right before his eyes.

"So it's true?" Leopard said, looking at him with- with anger, hurt. "You're fifteen?"

He didn't answer, and his silence was confirmation.

Alex looked at them all. "Are you going to tell anyone?" he asked flatly.

"Well, jeez, Eel. I mean we have to, right? You're just a kid, and it'll go against everything we believe in to put you in danger." Monkey said uncomfortably.

"Not to mention that you lied," Snake added "And- how did you get in anyway?"

"I changed the date on my birth certificate." he answered. He'd changed a bit more than that, but he had to make it seem like a smaller deal than it was, because- he just had to.

"Why?" asked Leopard. "Coupla years, you could've joined the army, then SAS- and it'd all be legal. You're good enough to definitely have a place. Why go to all that trouble? Why lie?"

Alex took a deep breath, and outside he saw the creature that was himself fill more with guilt for things it was about to say, and sink more into the gurgling black pit of deceit, and he felt so disgusted with himself he wanted- just for a second- to come clean, tell them everything. Put it all out there.

The foolish notion disappeared as common sense overtook him, and he lied.

"I- my dad, he was- he was abusing me. Like I said, when I was having that flashback. And I needed to get away from him, so I ran away. But- I didn't have any money or anything, so- so I tried to find a job-" he hated how his pauses as he quickly formulated the lies just added to them, making it as if he was recounting a painful experience. "-but no place would take me. So, I changed the date and- I got this guy, to forge papers saying I had previous military experience, and then I joined."

There was a silence as they took in his story. He saw their eyes fill with pity and understanding, the betrayal fading from their faces, and looking in on himself he hated himself so much.

How the hell could he do this?

Rat stood up. "Cut the crap, Eel." he said stiffly. Alex stared at him in shock. "I've been your friend long enough to know that was utter bullshit. If you don't want to tell the truth, don't. But don't lie about it. And don't look so fucking smug. Yeah, I get that you don't care that we trust you- or used to- and you don't care about anyone but yourself, but for god's sake, stop fucking lying!"

Then the creature Alex was looking in on developed grotesque mutations, painful wounds seemingly welling up from inside his skin and cutting out, cutting all the shining bonds that he called friendship as they tore out of him.

It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. Make it stop!

"Tell us where it is!" the man with a black cowl over his head growled. Alex pulled against the rope binding him to the chair frantically.

"No! Stop! I don't know anything, I swear!"

Then the knife, the sharp gleaming red hot knife was just laying against his skin, laying there on his stomach and burning- he was burning! It was burning him! "Stop, please! I'll tell you, just-" he could smell the skin crisping, the flesh cooking, ow for fuck's sake stop it!

Blessed ice cold water splashed over his stomach instead of the knife. "Oh god, thank you, thank you-" he gasped.

"Tell me. Where is it?"

"I don't know what you're even talking about!" he screamed. "They didn't tell me anything! Let me go!"

The ice water was in a bucket, in front of him. The man grasped his chin and pulled him into the bucket, pushing down the back of his head-

"He's having a flashback." Lion said. They looked at the screaming man- boy. Alex stared at them.

A flashback? It wasn't real?

It wasn't real?

The water, it was black it was covering his face he couldn't breath his mouth opened- air, he needed air, gasped in- and water flooded his mouth, swept down his throat, choked him-

He grasped the edge of the wooden floor of the barracks (how did he get there?), digging his fingers in. It wasn't real. It just had to happen now, didn't it? Someone was touching his shoulder. "Eel." they said, their voice blurred and distant. "Eel. It's okay. You're safe." He clutched onto the hand. He was safe. He was safe-

A hand pulled him up by his hair, cruelly exposing him to a biting air. He choked out the word, "Please," because that was all he could say, all he could comprehend, and he was still choking-

"Eel. Come on, you can do it. Just take deep breaths, in, and out. In, and out." he listened to the voice, clutched the hand. He had air. He wasn't choking. Come on, in, and out. Deep breaths. He could do it. "That's good, Eel. Very good. Now, remember, it isn't real. Whatever you're seeing, it isn't real. You're here, in the barracks, with D Unit and K Unit and you're safe, okay?"

Okay, he was safe.

"PLEASE!" And the knife again, burning a triangle-

And he was back.

He sat up, gasping, letting go of the hand, and looked to see it's owner; Rat.

Oh. Rat.

But the knife, on his stomach-

He scrabbled at his shirt, he had to check it wasn't real. He needed that confirmation, he just needed to see his stomach and see the knife gone, see that it wasn't there. He lifted his shirt and stared at the five black triangles burnt into his skin, crossed with a deep, knotted scar that had come later. He'd raised his shirt enough that he could see the edge of the puckered bullet wound from that assassination attempt, back in one of the first few missions, and there were other wounds but it awakened to many memories so he let the shirt drop. The knife wasn't there, it wasn't there, he was there, he was safe.

"Thanks." he told Rat, almost shyly. "For- for helping me, I mean." And then he remembered their discussion; "I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. I do care."

"It's fine, kid." Rat said in a low, nearly breathless voice. Alex didn't even notice the 'kid' because Rat's eyes were full of- he couldn't quite recognise it, but the other's eyes were full of it too, and they were staring at his-

At his-

At his stomach. Which he'd just showed them.

Right.

"Uh, I-"

"You lied about the abusive dad thing, didn't you? Rat was right." Lion said, his voice full of please-deny-it-just-deny-it.

"Yeah." Alex said softly.

Why why why had he showed them? Why did he even want to look at it himself? He didn't need confirmation, he just-

"Right." Lion sighed, a deep sigh. "Ok. You lied. About everything. I don't- I don't even want to hear what you have to say about that."

"I-"

"Don't, Eel." Snake said.

Okay.

Okay.

He gazed around at them, and they all met his eyes with angry looks, sorrowful, betrayed. Everyone apart from Rat, who jutted his chin towards the door and mouthed 'talk later'.

So his friendship with Rat was back. At the cost of everyone else he'd come to value, those bonds crumbling into dust, tiny grey particles of damning dust that keened as they flew away in the screaming wind.

He stood up, he left.

When Sabina's family had announced they were leaving him, he'd walked. Just walked.

And he walked now.

Just like with the Pleasure's, he wanted to cry, but forced himself not to. He strode through the woods. Not stomping or raging or running, he strode, as if it was okay and everything was okay and he was fine even though it fucking wasn't. And everything was blurred. Everything he saw carried a tinted edge that blurred it, so he was stumbling and clutching and grasping and the world was spinning and sometimes little details would poke out at him, like a leaf or a face in the distance or a cloud in the sky and it'd be like a punch and he'd gasp, draw breath in, deep breaths and walk on.

And then, just like with the Pleasure's, when he sank down somewhere and let himself cry, no tears came.

He felt hollow and empty and he didn't even want to know how he felt.

Then- then-

Then he was watching and the car, the car it was exploding, and oh god, he could see her face, her aghast face framed with that vibrant red hair and all he could do was watch-

He was crumbling. He was falling to pieces. He'd just had a fucking flashback, and now here was another one.

"Jack-" he mouthed, silently, and he was frozen, because there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could ever do, ever, and it was all his fault and-

Something was wrong with him. He couldn't go on like this. The flashbacks, the nightmares, them knowing his secrets, the constant stress; it was all going to catch up with him soon, and Alex (except, except he wasn't Alex) didn't know if he was gonna survive it this time round.

The moment she died seemed to be frozen. A single crystallised moment, frozen and floating and almost peaceful. Then it all fast forwarded and she was dead.

He came out of the flashback and lay gasping on the forest floor, then fell asleep.

0

Jenna sipped a glass of wine, enjoying the feel of the cool liquid sliding down her throat. She put down the elegant crystal glass, looking across the candle lit table to her lover.

This was one of the rare moments they could spend together, in a life getting increasingly busy. He called her up on her birthday and told her to come to him, then James had presented her with a beautiful ivory mask, and he had slotted a midnight blue one on his own face, and he'd informed her with a husky voice and hidden smile that they were going to a masked ball to celebrate her birthday. The romantic action had warmed her heart so she'd cancelled a meeting about the best way to bomb a school in Kenya, since a customer didn't want the country educated, and agreed (though if she hadn't, he would've made her) and now they were sipping wine in a hall and watching masked dancers whirl around on the dancing floor to a fast jazz.

She met James' sweet, brilliant blue eyes and knew he was smiling under the mask. She smiled as well, and a shiver went up her as if they were sharing a secret. He blinked once then leant across to her, lifting her mask quickly with nimble hands and pressing calloused, warm lips to hers. They stayed like that for a moment, her arms around his neck and one of his holding up her mask and the other on her waist. In that beautiful second she felt completely at peace. She was full of love, surrounded by love, sending love, receiving love. Stars were in her eyes and he was at her lips, and she loved him so much it hurt and she was happy.

He leant back and her mask slipped back down. She met his eyes again and smiled again and then they kissed again, and this time he drew her up from the table and pressed her against the wall, and threw the mask next to her and took his own off and kissed her and kissed her and kissed her. Then she was breathless and blushing like a school girl and he lifted her up and kissed her again, and pressed against her with an almost bruising force, and she wrapped her legs around him tight and he carried her into the car waiting outside and they drove back to the safe house. When they were inside he shut the door quietly behind him, and everything was dark and she was standing in the middle of the room, and he crept up behind her and loosed the back of her dress. As it fell it made a swooshing sound, then his hands were on her and his lips were on her and she was taking off his suit, his trousers, his shirt, and everything was hot and fumbling and perfect.

She was so happy she didn't notice the man that lurked behind them at the ball. She didn't notice his eyes brighten in recognition as her mask slipped down, as James' mask slipped off. She didn't notice him following silently behind in the car, swooping around the streets, radioing all the time to his employees. She didn't notice him watch them go into the safe house, or note down the address and drive away.

Until it was too late would she realise that MI6 now knew of her lover's home, and was working to get in and tick off another on their assassination list.

But by then it would be too late, and the only thing she could do was get revenge.

0

Mrs Jones thinned her lips as she looked over the latest statistic reports. Things were mainly okay since she had taken over from Blunt, but they weren't getting any better, and if she wanted a pay rise that's what needed to happen.

She looked up at the knock on her door. "Come in." she called. Mr Donaldson, her deputy head, stepped in and sank into the chair in front of her. She smiled. "Mint?" she asked, tipping the packet towards him.

"No thanks." he answered. She squeezed one out for herself, and popped it in her mouth, savouring the minty sweetness that spread through her taste buds.

"So." she said. "You needed to speak to me?"

"Yes." Mr Donaldson said. "As you know, the mission we sent Arnold and Hettie on three days ago was unsuccessful. They've managed to send a help signal, meaning they've been caught, which was also made broadcast their signal, so we know roughly where they are. We're sending in more MI6 agents to rescue them but I think they also need some... brute force, shall we say."

"So you need permission to borrow one of the specialized branches of the army."

"Yes."

"Granted. I suggest the SAS; they are most suited for situations like these. And I recommend you ask for K Unit. They are the four best men, in my opinion, in the whole branch. One of their former members was actually recruited for MI6. And they've partnered all the units now in some new scheme, so you'll have double the manpower."

"Thanks for the advice." Mr Donaldson grinned, standing up and pushing his chair back. "Until next time, Mrs Jones."

"Goodbye." she said, inclining her head and watching him leave the office.

She looked back at the statistics reports and scowled.

When Alex woke up, the first thing that he noticed was a beetle crawling over his face.

He was mildly confused about why a beetle was on his face so didn't move and thought about that problem.

Then the beetle jumped off onto a twig beside him, and then he was wondering why there was a twig next to him, and why there was a sea of twigs and dirt and dead leaves and above a sea of slender branches and patches of blue and slim green shoots. He summarized, eventually, that he was in a forest.

The next question was obvious; why was he in a forest?

Well, he had been asleep. And there weren't any restraints on his body, and all he could feel was twinges of old injuries so he must have gone there voluntarily.

Why?

He sat up, brushed a hand over his eyes, and realised he wasn't kidding anyone. He sighed, stood up, swayed, straightened, and walked out of the forest.

The sky was blue so either he'd slept into the night and back into the next morning, or it was today- the same day he'd fallen asleep, except if it was the first option then it wouldn't be today, or his definition of today as the day he'd fallen asleep would be wrong, and-

Who was he kidding? Oh yeah, himself. Because he was crazy.

Right.

He sighed again, tried not to distract himself and walked into the canteen. Everyone was having dinner- the usual grey sludge- and everyone had not yet noticed him. Alex strode over to the table where D Unit and K Unit were, and sat down in a chair next to Rat.

They stilled.

Then continued eating.

He sighed for maybe the seventeenth time since he'd woken up and left the table.

0

The next day started with everyone ignoring him. No one would speak to him, or meet his eyes, and if he talked to them they pretended they hadn't heard, unless it was in front of someone else in which case they would respond with monosyllabic grunts. Which somehow made it worse.

Rat had disappeared until after breakfast. He pulled Alex aside for a second. "Hi," Alex greeted hesitantly. "Still angry with me?"

"...maybe. Not really."

"Oh." Alex said. "That's good."

"Hey, Eel?"

"Mm hm?"

"Promise not to lie to me ever again."

"I promise not to lie to you ever again unlessIreallyneedto."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Say it again."

"I promise not to lie to you ever again u-" Rat clapped a hand on his mouth and Alex glared.

"Okay. Good," Rat took a deep breath. "Now tell me what that stuff on your stomach is."

"Stuff?"

"Scars. Burns. That... bullet wound?"

"Yep."

"Yeah, that. I'd like to know how you got them at fifteen!"

"Rat..."

"Eel..." Rat warned.

"You know I said I wouldn't lie?"

"Yes."

"Well then I can't tell you."

Rat sighed. "Thought as much. You know I'm gonna find out sometime anyway?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then."

And that was that, and Alex's life was still crap, but at least he had a friend.

And I am back. Hello, dear readers. Wifi has been granted to me after weeks of torture; and not any old wifi. FibreOptic. Which apparently consists of some mirrors in pipes sending light and in the light is internet or broadband or whatever, and it's a whole complicated explanation I didn't get the first time, or the second, or the third, and at the fourth I gave up. But anyway. Any of you guys got that?

Um, anyway. The band who sings the song on top of this tower. They are amazing. So wonderfully perfect I think I might cry when I listen to their songs. Cage the Elephant. Right now, I am a massive fan. Ahem. OK.

Oh, and Youtube comedy week? Anyone watching? Thoughts? Not as good as I expected, but still okay.

Things in this story will become along rather faster now, if they haven't already; look forwards to plot twists, numerous plot holes, deaths, lives, introductions, corpses. Yuh.

Well... next chapter coming soon, please review, and happy half term holiday to everyone who has it!