Runaway
"It's hard to say I'm sorry. It's hard to make the things I did undone. A lesson I've learned too well, for sure. So don't walk out the door now, I'm tryin to figure out just what to do. I'm goin crazy without you. You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed, so tell me what to do now, when I want you back."
I stopped dead in my tracks, turned slightly so I was looking her in the eyes, confusion running ramped through them.
"What?"
It was almost a whisper. All the anger seemed to have melted from my body, now I'm sure my face was the exact image of…hell, I don't even know what my face would look like…I was shocked…no idea what to do or say.
"I want you back Spencer. I was such an idiot for ever leaving you for Aiden. I realized that. I got back with him because I felt guilty. About what I'm not really sure, but I know it was guilt that drove me to be with him again. I mistook it for love, and I'm an idiot. I broke it off with him. It's completely over this time, I swear it. I know you deserve someone so much better than me, but I can't stop thinking about you Spence. Every single night I lie awake in bed just thinking about you. Every minute that passes is like an eternity because you're not there in my arms. You're not there in my life. If you give me another chance I swear I'll spend every single day making it up to you. I'll wait on you hand and foot, carry your books, give you piggyback rides to class, do your laundry…anything you want! You're my one and only true love Spencer Carlin, I can't and I won't lose you again. So tell me what to do, tell me what to do to get you back, I'll do anything it takes. Hell, I just quoted N'Sync! That has to tell you something! I need you Spencer…I'm so in love with you that it hurts. It hurts so bad to not be with you, but it hurts so good when I am. Please Spence…please take me back…"
I stared at her for a few seconds. Dumbfounded to say the least, then my eyes got wide and she blinked; a split second involuntary motion of one's eyelids; and when the blink was over, I was gone.
I seized the moment and ran with it…literally. I sprinted so fast out of that building that I'm pretty sure I set a new land speed record. I bypassed Chelsea entirely, knowing she was in on this. I couldn't talk to her right now…I couldn't talk to anyone. I needed to process this. All of it.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Why did I run? She just told me everything I wanted and needed to hear. Or did she? Yes, it's true, she did tell me everything I wanted to hear…but did she say it just for that reason? Or did she actually mean it? As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words…and over the past month she's done nothing but hurt me. She did seem genuine in what she was saying though. And she did quote N'Sync which is something Ashley Davies would never do unless she was absolutely desperate to make her point…
I've been running for a good 10 minutes, still in sprint mode. It's getting hard to breathe so I slow it down to a brisk speed walk. There's a park just up the block, pretty close to my house, with some bomb ass swings, I'll take a breather there.
"Wait a minute…did I just say, or rather think, bomb ass? What the hell?"
Well that was weird. Anyways, it's my special thinking place; I've never told anyone about it…not even Ashley. I've done a lot of heavy decision making here, as well as a lot of soul searching. It's nice to just come here, this playground apparently long since forgotten, and shut the metaphorical door on the world, and be able to open my mind up freely; no one around to intrude upon me.
I sit on my favorite swing, third from the right, and catch my breath, swaying slightly in the wake of the utter force I let out when I 'parked it like it's hot'.
"Thank you Snoop Dogg…"
Rolling my eyes I put both my feet down on the ground and pushed off hard, pumping my legs nonstop til I got a good amount of height. It's funny, swinging is exactly like life. You start out not moving until you're ready, and once you do start you build up momentum taking you higher and higher until some force slows you down and you come back to a halt. Whether the halt in question is death, a personal choice, or someone else's actions all depends on the situation. In this case it's my choice of what to do, take Ashley back or don't. Follow my heart or move on. Oh, and of course gravity.
I am still in love with her. I doubt that will ever change. She was my first time. Not in the technical sense I suppose, but in the emotional sense. I wasn't in love with the boy back in Ohio, not even close. He wasn't sweet and gentle. He wasn't soft and sensual. He was just…a boy. A boy that didn't know what the hell he was doing. He didn't ask if I was ok like she did. He didn't hold me when we were finished like she did. He did say he loved me…but that's typical for guys. Tell the girl what she wants or needs to hear to help justify what she just did. He didn't mean it the way she did. He didn't love me like she did…he didn't love me at all. She did. She does.
Or does she? How many times did she ever tell me that she loved me outside of when we were finished making love? I could count on one hand. So did we really ever make love? Or did we just 'have sex'. Just that thought alone makes me cringe. For me it was making love…for her though? I couldn't tell you. I don't really know. I don't know anything anymore.
"DAMN IT! I don't know what I'm supposed to do…"
I've been here for at least half an hour. I don't know, kinda lost track of time. That's ok. I don't exactly have anywhere to be. It is pretty dark though so I decide to head home. This is one of those times I'm glad that park is so close to my house. L.A. is definitely not the best place to be walking around alone at night, even if you're in a residential area.
I got home about 10 minutes later and the house was totally quiet. Mom and dad were out for the night, Clay was hanging out with Sean, Glen was probably hanging out with Madison, and Chelsea probably stayed back at the art studio with Ashley.
"Ugh Ashley…what am I gonna do?"
I contemplated this as I went up the stairs. When I got to the top I noticed my bedroom door was closed, but the light was on.
"Um, pretty sure I turned that off before we left. Mom must have gone in there looking for make up or something."
I opened my door and there, sitting on my bed, was the last person I ever expected to see.
"Ashley?"
