I stared at the TV screen as if my life depended on it.
No one said anything for a while, apparently ignoring what had happened in front of them.
I wondered what was going through their minds in those moments, especially Heidi's.
But I didn't dare look at her.
The only thing I could see in my field of vision was Eric putting his head on Stan's shoulder.
My insides rumbled with jealousy, but other than that it was anger.
Stan knew about my thing with Eric and it really felt like he was either trying to out me or take advantage of it to make me feel bad.
When the movie ended, we all commented it.
Everyone was obviously mind blown by it, especially Kenny, who was trying to make a sense of the ending.
I said some things about it, but the gutted feeling just wouldn't leave me.
I was so unbelievably upset and I didn't know whether it was Eric, Heidi, Stan or all of it together.
The day after Stan went to see Wendy.
I was a bit relieved that he wasn't there to reprimand me on me moving in the bed, but I felt a bit alone.
I also felt like I needed to talk to him, desperately, about my liking of Eric.
But he was busy with that girl.
She was just going to play with his heart again, but then again he never listened to us when we'd tell him about it.
I spent the day with the others, but given they were two couples I was the third - or rather, the fifth- wheel most of the time.
Not that I was too able to concentrate on what we were doing, anyway.
We spent a good few hours talking about Stan, his rudeness around us and his obsession with that soul sucker that Wendy was.
We spent the day at the pool, trying to forget our frustration with him.
As much as I had been the victim of Stan's nervous outbursts for about three days, that wasn't the most annoying thing in my mind.
There was something else bothering me, the pranks.
Usually, the pranks made me laugh a lot - as I was at the center of everyone's attention, especially Eric's - but, lately, they had taken a turn I didn't like.
Everyone in the group, except me and Stan, was a smoker. Therefore, it wasn't unusual for them to have a lighter on their person, even when at the pool.
Something that Kenny had started as a joke towards everyone, it had become Eric's favorite prank on me and my most hated one.
He would turn on said lighter and put the flame close to my body, either on my legs or arms, and it was downright scary.
It was fine until it didn't touch me at all, but, once it almost burned my bathing suit, that's when I would protest.
I'd tell them to stop, but they wouldn't.
No matter how much I loved Eric, that wasn't something I was down with.
I wasn't that masochistic.
They stopped for a while to light their cigarettes, but I wasn't totally safe.
Once he was done smoking it, Kenny threw it on me, almost burning me.
That was genuinely scary.
I wondered if that was Ok in a friendship. Or with any relationship, for that matter.
Then Eric did the same as Kenny, but he actually ended up burning my hand.
It felt as if a wasp had stung me, so I screamed in pain, some tears of fear coming out, too.
What the hell was wrong with Eric? The person who would always protect me from the wrongs of this world had actually, willingly, hurt me. And he was laughing about it.
Kenny rolled his eyes at the sight of my tears, together with Eric.
"God, Kyle, why do you always have to be such a crybaby?" Eric huffed in apparent frustration.
I said nothing. I couldn't believe someone I loved so much would actually do that to me.
I ended up ignoring everyone for a little while.
When I was ready to apologize (because, in my twisted, abused mind I was the one who had to say sorry for being an apparent pain in the ass), that's when they gave me the silent treatment.
Even Heidi did.
They literally ignored my existence for hours.
Only when we were already back into the hotel, chilling in the gay couple's room, they spoke to me again.
It was Heidi who said something first, finally breaking the agonizing silence.
"Kyle, why don't you understand that Eric shows his affection by pulling pranks? He does it with me, too."
"But he burnt my hand!" I said, showing her my now blistered limb.
"That was wrong, I told him that." she said, shooting a sharp look at her boyfriend. "But you have been very...
annoying lately. Like, so much that we can't even joke anymore. Really, what the hell is going on with you?"
If only I could tell you, I thought, unable to ingnore that feeling in my gut that was making me rather sick.
Now, it wasn't only Eric, it was also the pranks that were too bad.
Had they always been so extreme?
"I told you, my parents." I murmured, looking down.
She rolled her eyes. "Kyle, look. Your parents aren't here, we are. And we love you, so don't worry."
She then wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a warm and soothing hug. That was exactly what I needed. Heidi's friendly, welcoming arms, almost those of a sister, holding me close to her.
When Stan came back from his" rendezvous " with Wendy, he was rather giddy. He kept going on about how amazing it had been and how happy he was that they were back together.
He also apologized to us for being a total dick for the past few days and, of course, we accepted it.
That night we had planned going to a fancy dinner with Butters' uncle, which he would kindly offer us.
So, that gave me the chance to be alone with Stan for a good half an hour while getting ready in our room. After hearing (and cringing) about how great Wendy had been to him, how she had given him an enormous hickey on his neck, which I was trying to unsee, I told him that my feelings for Eric were, as he had suggested, admiration.
He looked rather unconvinced.
"Are you completely sure?" he asked, while briefly looking up from his phone. "Because I see you stare at him sometimes."
Stare at him sometimes. Not a lie.
"Yeah, but picture this : you have, I don't know, Selena Gomez as one of your best friends. Wouldn't you stare at her, once in a while?" I said, trying to get him to understand me.
Stan's eyes widened with something I couldn't quite put my finger on what it could be.
Was he creeped out?
" Kyle, I told you. Be careful, ok? I hope what you're telling me is the truth. I'm not saying anything to anyone, but try being truthful to yourself."
Butters' uncle brought us to a very beautiful restaurant, which happened to be located on a beach.
It was really Hawaiian, if I had to describe it.
The view from the top floor, where we were seated, was mesmerising.
It was a combination of sunset, sand and sea, all together forming a color palette that the eye couldn't ignore.
Happiness took over me as I felt the cool breeze hit my naked shoulders and the smell of the ocean invade my nostrils.
Summer nights were definitely my favorite thing in places that had the seaside.
South Park's ones were very disappointing and quite cold.
My good mood was a bit ruined, though, once I remembered the pranks and my feelings for Eric.
I had to something about it.
It was decided; I was going to tell Eric, once and for all.
He had said it, he would be Ok with it, so why not let him in on it?
It would explain my rotten mood that had lasted all week long, if anything.
As for the pranks, well, it was clear they were not going to stop. I just had to accept them like I had always had.
My stomach was so twisted that I ended up leaving half of my food on my plate.
I drank quite a bit of white wine - Uncle Bud wouldn't stop refilling my glass.
Making conversation with him was so much easier with alcohol in my system, it had definitely given me that boost of confidence to talk to him without being shy.
I was sitting between him and Heidi, while Eric was sitting next to, you guessed it, Stan, while still being in front of his girlfriend.
I admit I used Butters' uncle to distract myself from being annoyed by Eric and Stan's... Cuteness.
They were laughing and playing with snapchat filters. Eric seemed to be a bit irritated with my drinking, since I was already on my fourth round, so he basically ignored me and made it worse by showing me that he loved to be funny with Stan, all while I was sad because I had disappointed him.
But that wasn't going to spoil my plan, he was going to know everything.
I noticed my leg was shaking uncontrollably under the table.
I was extremely nervous, to say the least.
I was genuinely terrified, but the amount of wine in my body seemed to give that bit of courage I needed.
So, I excused myself to go to the toilet, but it wasn't where I ended up going.
I went outside and I walked closer to the shore, then I sat on the sand.
I took a deep breath and, with shaky hands, I texted Eric.
Can you come outside? I need to tell you something I feel like telling you only.
Two minutes later, he was there, sitting next to me on the sand.
He looked a bit angry with me. His arms were crossed and he wasn't looking at me.
"So, you came." I said, looking at him from the corner of my eye.
"Yeah, I did. Be quick." He said, his tone apathetic.
"So... You probably noticed that, um, I've been quite... Nagging." I took a deep breath. It's happening.
I turned around, eager to catch his gaze.
I had never been so anxious in my life before. The saliva in my mouth had completely dried up, I could hear a ringing in my ear and my heart was going crazy.
The alcohol was beginning to make my head spin a little.
Eric finally looked at me, but he didn't look happy. "Well, yeah. Frankly, I have had it with your behavior. You can't even take a joke anymore." he said, still visibly annoyed.
"... Well, I'm here to explain why I've been acting like that." I said pretty quietly.
Something in Eric's eyes changed, he was curious to know what had been going on recently, but he didn't say anything.
" So... This is hard to say." I said, trembling, keeping my eyes away from his face.
I just couldn't look at him without freaking out.
Also, because I had the urge to kiss him then and there. It would have been an easy explanation, but I couldn't do that to Heidi.
"Be honest with me." he said, in a way that was a bit reassuring, but he would still keep his arms crossed.
"Do you... Remember our talk in the car?" I asked, while dying inside.
I was pretty sure I would faint at any given moment.
"Which one? You need to be more specific." he responded in confusion.
So I explained to him what I was talking about. That famous night in which he subtly told me he knew about my feelings for him.
"Remember? You thought I liked you."
Silence. I could feel a bit of embarrassment had formed between us.
"Well, I don't know what to say." He said after a few minutes. "It's like I told you I liked you."
That's when anxiety rose to an alarming level.
Don't lose composure, I thought to myself.
Nothing came out of my mouth.
He spoke again. "Kyle, I don't think I'd be the right boyfriend for you. I mean, I'm straight and, besides, I'm already bought."
"But I don't... I don't like you, Eric. I mean, I thought I did... But I told Stan and we both came to the conclusion that it is admiration, instead."
I don't know how I was able to form that sentence, but I did, miraculously.
That wasn't 100% the truth, though.
" Oh, well, I can say that I feel... A bit flattered, if anything. I can also say that I understand you, really, as I'm aware of my... Good looks."
Typical of Eric. His narcissism was showing again.
"Now, can we go back inside? I'm starting to get cold." he said, getting up.
Cold? We weren't really indoors in the restaurant.
"No, wait!" I tugged at his pants to tell him to sit back down.
He did, but he didn't look eager to keep talking.
Was Eric Cartman really awkward?
"It can be easy to mistake it for... Um... Being in love..." I said, avoiding eye contact. "But, I mean, Stan said it's just that I have an adoration for you, which I think is the best explaination for my confused feelings."
Eric sighed loudly.
"Well, Kyle. As long as you accept that I will never be with you and that I, well, will always be your best friend's boyfriend, I don't have a problem with it.
I just need you to understand that."
"I do. Are you sure there's nothing wrong with it? Because I was scared that you would run away." I said, feeling relieved, laughing a little.
Eric smiled widely, with that sweet smile he would show me once in a while, usually after making up following a disagreement.
" Of course I won't run away from you, silly." He said in his cute tone.
I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't help feeling like I had gotten rid of an enormous burden.
We then got up, hugged and came back into the restaurant, joking and laughing as if nothing had happened.
Little did I know what I had just done...
