AN-Sorry for the delay again, we've sorting out work experience places and there's a lot to do. I've also just got a maths tutor, so that's two of my evenings gone right there. Warning, this chapter contains mentions of self-harm, you know the drill. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and read the story, it means a lot to me.
-Demeterfan
Disclaimer: I own none of CATS, as much as I'd like to.
Chapter 11
For what seemed like an eternity, but can't have been more than a minute or two, we all stood motionless, rigid, unmoving, so we must have looked like stone statues, frozen forever in a cold and forbidding picture of misery.
Me and Munk stood in the middle of the clearing, like actors on a stage, with the rest of the Jellicles staring with greedy eyes, picking my ailing mate clean with their prejudices and judgement. Munk's eyes were still fixed on the spot where Macavity had been stood; those eyes were so hollow, so empty I doubted a living being was inside his head. I stared at the blood still seeping down Munk's arm, the crimson liquid stickily dying his silver fur a gooey red. How long was he going to bleed out? What if it never stopped and slowly trickled away until he had no blood left at all? I shuddered, though the sun was shining ceaselessly in the sky, like a pupil in a vast blue eye.
Alonzo was frantically mouthing something at me, but lips were much too fast for me to decipher any sense from him. Bomba's mouth was hanging open, so wide I was surprised a layer of dust hadn't settled over her tongue. Her arms, that had once cradled Jemima so tenderly, hung limply by her sides, dangling dejectedly. Jemima wavered beside my sister, looking as though she was in the process of deciding whether or not she should run to me. Her eyes were wide with fear, trepidation, and above all, hopeless confusion; it was more than I could bear. I opened my arms and, after a moment of hesitation, she dashed into my embrace.
Tugger was slumped over, as if trying to make himself as small as possible; he shifted under my gaze but didn't raise his head to reach my eyes. Etcetera had wriggled out of the metal pipe and was holding on to the edges of her idol's mane, but her eyes weren't full of stars, she wasn't squealing with infatuation; she looked heartbreakingly frightened.
The other kittens all wore similarly scared expressions, some of them looking as if they were fighting back tears; Pouncival had his thumb in his mouth, Tumblebrutus was looking at the floor and sniffing sadly, Electra and Plato had clasped paws. The older cats gaped and whispered and muttered, their eyes giving away they were as scared as the kittens. Jemima pulled away from me and gazed up at Munk, then examined his bloody arm.
"Daddy...?"
she whispered tentatively, nudging him with her paw. "Daddy you're bleeding."
When she received no response from a still stunned Munkustrap, she grabbed his paw, holding it as tenderly as any mother, and licked the blood herself , her little pink tongue brushing over the silver stripes of Munk's fur. I don't know if Munk was brought back by that sweet, gentle gesture or simply the feel of Jemima's warm, wet tongue, but he blinked and the life came back into his eyes a little, as if someone had flicked on a dying light bulb in his brain.
He bent down clumsily and enveloped Jemima in an embrace, even managing to flash her the remnants of a smile.
"Thanks, Jem. Thank you, darling."
he murmered, stroking Jemima's headfur as she nuzzled him happily.
"Did Macavity give you the scratches and make you bleed, daddy?"
Jemima asked, and I suddenly felt a strange stirring inside me, like my stomach was tying itself in a knot. I glanced down in surprise- it felt so peculiar!- but put it down to sadness and worry, promptly forgetting about it.
"Yes, yes it was Macavity, Jem."
Munk whispered, and it was no word of a lie; Macavity had caused the bleeding, the cuts, the pain. He'd inflicted the scars on Munk the minute he struck Victoria down and left her mangled body on the junkyard floor, the blood magnified by her crystal fur. Jemima licked at the blood stains again and examined Munk's arm, shaking her head disapprovingly.
"Does it hurt?"
Munk squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his lips together, looking anguished. It hurt all right. It hurt so much he'd felt the need to really hurt himself, to inflict real cuts. Macavity had destroyed more than one life when he murdered poor Victoria.
"Yes, Jem, it hurts. It hurts very much."
he said, and a few of the Queens covered their mouths with their paws, some even starting to weep. Munk looked at Jemima's concerned face, into my perturbed eyes, at Alonzo, who's eyes looked suspiciously moist, at Tugger, who was looking away, his face wretched.
"But it hurts other people more."
Tears burned behind my eyes, and I had to blink rapidly to stop myself sobbing aloud. It wasn't just Munk, it was the innocence and love on little Jemima's face; she had no real understanding of the situation, she could only guess the seriousness of the matter, but she was still so naturally lovely, like a flower that grew out of rubbish. Jemima smiled valiantly, though her eyes still projected confusion.
"I love you, daddy."
she said, and I saw Munk suck in his breath sharply, biting his lip. This time I couldn't stop a single, solitary tear from wriggling its way out of my eye; I didn't attempt to wipe it away, just letting it run its course, and it dripped off my cheek onto the soil.
"I love you too, Jem."
Munk whispered, his voice as soft as satin. "So, so much."
For a while they just looked into each other's eyes, Jemima's bright and happy, Munk's dull and full of angst. The contrast between them was astounding; Jemima's innocent, sweet, joyfilled character against the sad, depressed, self-loathing thing Munk had become. The brightest, purest white contradicting with the darkest, most hate filled jet black.
Slowly, as if treading water, I shuffled forward, gripped Jemima by her skinny shoulders and carefully dragged her away from Munk.
"Come on, Jemmie, I think daddy needs some time to himself."
I said, and glared round at each and every Jellicle, daring them to say a word or try to challenge me. I didn't didn't didn't want to leave Munk on his own after Macavity announced his secret to the entire junkyard, but anyone with half a brain could see he wasn't able to deal with any confrontation or questioning. Munk nodded at me , the grateful glitter in his eyes the only real emotion I'd seen in the empty, glass like orbs for weeks.
Staggering a little, Munk drifted away from the clearing, his blood still branded on his arm like a label: Look, look, see what this freak does to himself!
No one restrain him, they just watched warily, keeping a cautious distance, as if he had leprosy. He disappeared over a pile of rubbish and my fear set in even more, wondering what he'd do when he was alone.
But I was distracted, as that's when the uproar started; the Queens exclaimed and sobbed, the Toms shouted and demanded, the kits whimpered and clamoured, and I practically crushed Jemima in my arms, praying that I could be zapped to another planet, where no one existed but me, Munk and Jemmie.
It took a while for everyone to everyone to get over their initial shock and start to think rationally. Jennyanydots and Skimbleshanks organized a meeting in their den for all the adult cats, which we all reluctantly agreed to, except Jellylorum, who would be looking after the kits, and Tugger, who'd sensibly decided to skip the meeting.
Jenny's den was one of the biggest, but it seemed insufferably small with all the Jellicles wedged in hip to hip, the air so dense you could almost grab it, the humidity so powerfully moist you felt wrapped in it. I was squeezed into a corner next to Alonzo, both of us ducking our heads and only murmuring to each other. Jenny naturally took the lead out of force of habit, leading the conversatin, her voice so powerful and loud it bounced of the walls.
"We're gathered here today,"
she started, and I couldn't help thinking she sounded like she was marrying someone. "Because it's blatantly obvious that at the moment, Munkustrap is a little too...unstable to continue his role as protector."
She surreptitiously glanced my way and I growled softy, glaring at the grubby pattern on her shabby carpet.
"As I'm sure most of you know, Asparagus Jr has informed Old Dueteronomy, but, as he's at the vicarage at the moment, his is unable to visit his son. We need to decide who will take over Munk's position until he's able to take it up again."
Jenny finished, and Alonzo, probably guessing he would be the first sensible choice, shuffled a little behind me, as if he wanted to seep through the off-white wall.
"I can't believe anyone would let Munk get so bad."
Cassandra spat, looking pointedly in my direction, nudging Exotica. I felt the strange stirring in the pit of my stomach again, more strongly than before, but this time I interpreted the feeling as anger. I continued to glare sullenly at the carpet, my gaze so fierce I was surprised I didn't scorch a hole in it. Jenny coughed awkwardly, sensing the growing tension in the room, and addressed Cassandra coolly.
"I don't think that's really the issue, Cassandra. We are here to decide who will take Munk's place, not cast aspirations on other Jellicles."
Cassandra argued back stubbornly, cheeks flushing red, but I stopped paying attention; the humidity was making me feel so sleepy. To say I was 'tired' would be a cruel understatement, these days I couldn't get to sleep at all.
At night I'd simply lay on my back, staring at the ceiling and wriggling around on the cushions, kicking away the blanket in the gloom as the hours ticked by and the moon shone sympathetically through the dinky window. I'd gazed for so long I'd memorised ever chip, every scratch, every watermark and stain on that blessed ceiling. A scratch right above my nest of pillows vaguely resembled a question mark, and it mocked me all night relentlessly: What are you going to do, Deme? You know he's slipping away, why won't you do something? What will you do if he cuts too deep and kills himself? Will you just lie on your back and stare at me then? My insomnia had become so bad that I was almost glad when Jemima woke up with one of her nightmares (that had become less frequent but more violent, as if a weeks worth of small nightmares had been squeezed into one big one) as that at least gave me an excuse for being awake.
"I think Alonzo should temporarily take over as protector."
Skimble chipped in, snapping am out of my foggy fatigue. "After all, he's had experience guarding the junkyard with Munkustrap."
I can't be certain, but I think I heard Alonzo groan very softly behind me, and I threw him a sympathetic glance over my shoulder. Jenny nodded approvingly at her mate, smiling fondly.
"Yes, I think that's a sensible suggestion. Alonzo, would you agree to take over Munkustrap's position?"
Her greedy eyes glazed over everyone in the room, seeking out Alonzo. All the other adult Jellicles gazed at him too, eyes hopeful, like he was going to answer their prayers. He didn't have a chance; even if he refused, he'd somehow be forced into the job, it was inevitable. Alonzo sighed shakily, rising to his feet, his legs wobbling a little. I'd already made him promise he wouldn't reveal his knowledge of Munk's self-harming; I didn't want him to have to deal with the accusing eyes, the hostile glares, the stinging whispers. He'd reluctantly agreed, though his eyes were gloomy with guilt.
"I-I'd be happy to take over Munk as protector for a while, but shouldn't we be discussing what we could do to help Mu-"
"That's settled then"
Jenny interrupted briskly. "Alonzo will take over."
The other Jellicles smiled and started to chatter excitedly, evidently relived. I involuntarily clenched my paws hard, claws digging in; none of them really cared about Munk, they just wanted to make sure the position of the protector was filled so they could all sleep easily at night. Alonzo was the only Tom who'd shown even the smallest amount of concern for Munk, and was therefore, in my frustrated, angry head, the only halfway decent Jellicle in the room.
"I don't understand how someone could do that to themselves."
Coricopat muttered to his sister, who raised her eyebrows disapprovingly. I dug my claws into my palm so hard blood stained my fur.
"I can't believe we left him alone with the kits when he was so unstable."
That was Bomba and the unimaginable betrayal I felt stung like a deep, open wound. Anger bubbled hotly inside me like boiling water.
"Why didn't he tell anyone? He can be so dramatic some times."
I clenched my teeth so hard they nearly crumbled in my mouth.
"I'm glad Alonzo's taking over; Munk can't be trusted anymore."
A low growl came from deep inside my chest, but it was too quiet for anyone to hear it.
"With Munk in charge, it was only a matter of time before another kit was murdered."
That did it. I rose slowly to my feet, paws shaking by my sides with fury, eyes blazing.
"Shut up, shut up, all of you!"
I screamed, shocking everyone into an abrupt silence. I couldn't stop myself; I was seething, the anger I'd hidden for so long elated to be finally set free. I wanted to punch Jenny right on her big mouth, twist Cassandra's ears right off, yank Skimble's tail until he yowled, slap even Bomba so hard it left my paw screaming in protest. I wanted to scratch and swat and scar them all, with only Alonzo spared from my wrath.
I wanted to hurt them because they'd never understand how much Munk was hurting inside. Alonzo understood that helpless, empty feeling when you saw someone cutting themselves, but as I loved Munk so much, my anguish was sharper and more pronounced, like how the wail of an orphaned infant is always slightly more melancholy than a babe with two living parents.
"You should be ashamed! You don't care about Munk at all, you don't care that he's hurting himself so much mentally and physically, you only care about yourselves! Oh, great, the Jellicle tribe is nice and safe and protected while one of its members slowly fades away. Don't you dare pour scorn on him, or pick him apart with your judgement because you don't know his pain! Don't mock him, because while you were all wrapped up in your own stupid lives you didn't even notice he was hurting so much. He isn't the one at fault here; it's all of us!"
I finished, breathing heavily, my throat burning with overuse, my body shaking with anger and adrenalin.
The other Jellicles gaped at me, jaws dangling dejectedly. Even Jenny looked extremely surprised; I was usually quiet, especially in meetings where my voice was easily drowned out by louder Jellicles. Only Alonzo didn't look astounded; when I caught his eye his nodded almost approvingly, as if to tell me: 'it needed to be said.'
I stalked towards the door of Jenny's den, past all the silent, slack-jawed Jellicles, doing my best not to stumble so I looked confident and in control. There was no burning behind my eyes, no sensation that told me tears were close, which I was happy about; I didn't want the Jellilces assuming my outburst was based on emotion.
When I reached the slab of wood that acted as a door, I paused ominously, as if studying the dirty wood. When I spoke, I kept my words steady and even, like an automaton.
"One day, whether it is accidental or intended, he might just kill himself. And then you'll wish you'd helped him."
Pretty boring chapter really. Next one will be up soon.
