Chapter Ten - Apologies
Disbelief was still the foremost emotion clouding James' mind as he made his way up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower. It hadn't really sunk in yet that he had a date – and with Dana Watson! A week from now he'd likely be a nervous wreck. Much of the smooth confidence he tried to portray was a shallow front; deep down he was just a simple, bumbling bloke. He'd only been on a few dates before and hadn't really had a girlfriend. Until fourth year, he hadn't paid much attention to girls, and since the start of fifth year his sights had been solely focused on Evans…
His stomach gave a guilty lurch and James' fingers twitched. He still hadn't apologised to her after their row last week. He wanted to, but there had never been a good time. It seemed impossible to catch her alone, when he saw her in class or at meal times she always had her friends around her – and at other times he hadn't seen her at all.
But his delayed apology wasn't the only cause for guilt. James tugged at his damp hair, heading up to the seventh floor. If he was perfectly honest with himself, though he liked Dana Watson and though she was fit, there was a part of him that also hoped that by going out with her he might finally be able to put his feelings for Evans behind him and move on.
Stopping in front of the Fat Lady's portrait, he heaved a sigh and then gave the password, earning a quick smile from the Fat Lady as she swung forward.
Climbing through the portrait hole, all thoughts of Dana Watson fled from James' mind. Across the Common Room, in a red armchair by the fireplace, sat Lily Evans, her red hair falling in a curtain as she skimmed through a piece of parchment, her brow creased in concentration.
James swallowed and made a beeline for her, stopping a few feet away.
"Evening, Evans."
She looked up, her face growing carefully blank as she saw him.
"Potter," she replied, her voice neutral.
James hesitated a moment, scuffing his feet.
"Do you have a moment?"
"I suppose," she conceded, setting the piece of parchment down on her lap.
James took a seat on the nearby sofa and laid down his broomstick, trying to find the easy confidence to hide behind.
"Fancy seeing you here," was what he finally came up with.
"In the Common Room?" she asked, her voice dry and eyebrow arching. "I thought you'd have noticed by now that we are in the same House."
James chuckled. "I had noticed that. But I haven't seen you around lately," he hedged.
Lily bit her lip. "I've been keeping to myself. People have been on my case since the news of my date with Connor got out and I hate being gossiped about… I'm only really here now because Remus and I were writing our report about last night's patrol," she admitted, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"Well, that explains why you've made yourself so scarce. Don't worry though, I'm sure everyone'll have something new to talk about soon enough," James muttered. He paused, wondering if he should tell her that Watson had just asked him out. Then he shook his head. This and his upcoming date were two separate matters.
James studied her silently, before admitting: "I've actually been wanting to talk to you."
"You have?" Lily asked, a quizzical frown appearing on her brow. "Well, I'm here now. What did you want to talk about?"
"About last week," James said. He swallowed, gathering his Gryffindor nerve. "I acted like a right git and I'm sorry."
Lily's sharp gaze bore into him, somehow appearing both guarded and curious at the same time.
"James Potter, apologising? And the world still seems to be turning. Fancy that."
James shrugged, a tight smile touching his lips while his stomach still felt heavy like lead. The seconds stretched as he waited, his breath lodged in his throat.
"It was hardly the first time we fought – or the first time you acted like a git, either, for that matter." Lily's eyes lit as she smiled. "But I accept and appreciate the apology."
James breathed in relief, and grinned at her, feeling light and warm.
"So I'm forgiven?" he asked just to be sure.
"Yes, you are. Though I hope you won't make a habit out of being a berk."
"I'll try not to."
"Good."
"I hope you have a good time next week with Connor Matheson," he said – and to his surprise, found that he meant it. There was a small prick of pain in his chest, but in the end he wished the best for Lily, he wanted her to be happy.
"Thank you," Lily replied, sounding a little taken aback, but the smile playing on her lips brightened.
After his talk with Lily, James felt energised, and his steps were light as he made his way up the spiral staircase into his dormitory. When he entered the dorm, only Peter looked up and greeted him; Sirius was concentrating on his Muggle Studies essay while Remus was engrossed in a book.
"You look chipper," Peter commented as James set aside his broom and started to change into clean robes. "Did the practice go well?"
"The practice was all right," James replied after he'd pulled his head through the neckline of his robe.
"Did something else good happen, then?"
"As a matter of fact, it did. I had a talk with Evans just now."
Sirius snorted but didn't make any further comment, but Remus put his book down and gave James a searching glance.
"I take it that the talk went well?" He guessed, wry amusement colouring the tone of his voice.
"It did. I finally managed to apologise for overreacting last week. All's forgiven now."
"That's great!" Peter beamed.
"I'm glad to hear that," Remus agreed.
"I even told her I wished she and Connor Matheson would have a good date."
James felt the slight jab of pain again, but despite that still meant every word.
Remus' eyebrows shot up and he studied him a brief moment.
He was about to say something, when another snort from Sirius' direction broke the mood.
James crossed his arms, turning towards his best friend.
"Is there something you'd like to say, Padfoot?" he asked, fighting to keep his tone light.
"Connor Matheson," Sirius said with a mocking sneer. "Tells you a lot about Evans, doesn't it? Figures she'd go for the Head Boy. The sticklers for rules stick together."
James' eyes narrowed. Sirius had never liked Lily, and though he mostly kept his opinions to himself, he didn't bother to hide his feelings either. James had never quite understood the hostility, as far as he knew Lily had never done anything to Sirius. For whatever reason, Sirius just seemed to have something against her.
Remus frowned, giving Sirius a disapproving look.
"By all accounts, it was Matheson who asked her out, not the other way around," he reminded Sirius in a cool voice.
"Of course he did," Sirius scoffed. "She just needs to bat those green eyes of hers and blokes go gaga. Case in point," he drawled, casting a meaningful sideways look to James.
James tugged at his hair in frustration, but refused to take the bait.
"She's nice and clever and pretty," Peter shrugged. "Everybody likes her."
"Except for certain Slytherins – and you," Remus added in a low voice.
Sirius' grey eyes grew dark as he whipped around to stare at Remus.
"What are you insinuating, exactly?" he said.
James crossed his arms, his brow furrowed. The fight was brewing, and if he stepped in now maybe it could be avoided. But James wasn't sure if he should interfere. Sirius' thoughtless comments had irritated him and this was one of the few subjects on which the two of them starkly disagreed. Besides, on one level he felt this went deeper, that the argument wasn't even about Lily Evans. Remus and Sirius had been at odds ever since that stupid prank on Snape last year. Much as James didn't want to see his friends bicker, he wondered if he should let them; maybe that way they'd acknowledge and work out some of their aggravation with one another.
"I'm not insinuating anything," Remus said, his voice calm and eyes hard. "I'm telling it to you straight: you seem prejudiced against Lily."
Peter paled, his eyes darting quickly between Remus and Sirius.
"Don't you dare to compare me to those Death-Eaters-in-the-making!" Sirius hissed. "I don't have an issue with Evans because of her blood."
"Perhaps not, but you have an issue with her all the same," Remus countered. "You've never bothered to get to know her. You called her a stickler for rules earlier – that just shows how your mind is already made up about her. You've decided that she is this annoying stuck up swot, and since that's your expectation, that's the only thing you're able to see."
A ringing silence filled the dormitory and Peter shifted uncomfortably.
Sirius' lips drew back in a grimace, but though he continued to glower at Remus, his hands clenched into fists, he had no flippant comebacks to offer.
He can't protest because Moony's right, James thought to himself grimly as he sat down on his bed. He had been thinking along those very same lines just a moment earlier, though he hadn't gone so far as to call Sirius prejudiced.
"Can't we just agree to disagree, eh, mates?" Peter squeaked with a feeble, almost pained, grin.
Despite Peter's attempt, the mood didn't lift as Sirius continued to glare as Remus folded his arms over his chest. But it could be worse, James reflected. They had been friends for a long time; they were close and generally got along great... but that did not mean they never fought. There had been occasions when Remus' pale face had been blotchy from shouting, or when Sirius had stormed out of the dormitory to sulk somewhere in private, spouting swearwords as he went. The room may have been filled with tension, but at least they both seemed relatively calm given the situation and the brief exchange of heated words mere moments earlier. The argument was already over, and they all knew it. James exhaled and decided to join Peter in trying to diffuse the situation.
"Pete's right," he said, keeping his voice light. "You two should settle down and make up. It'll be such a waste to spend the first Hogsmeade weekend being at each other's throats with Wormy playing the peacemaker."
Remus cast James a quizzical glance. "You're talking as if you wouldn't be joining us," he observed.
"Why would I, when I have far better company than you lot?" James grinned.
"Like who, yourself?" Sirius sneered.
James shrugged, keeping his expression quite casual. "You think Evans is the only one who can land a date?"
"You have a date?" Peter gasped, his round face lighting up. "Way to go, Prongs!"
"And who are you going with?" Remus asked.
"Dana Watson."
"Hah, I knew she was into you," Sirius retorted, amusement creeping in to soften the rigid anger of his features.
And just like that the air shifted to a shade more relaxed, and the four lads, though perhaps a little cautious at first, began to chat about James' upcoming date.
Monday afternoon was a gloomy affair. There was no sign of rain as of yet, but the clouds that hung heavy and grey offered no hope of blue skies. Deep in the bowels of the library, secreted away between the tall shelves and the neatly ordered leather-bound volumes, Lily was sitting with her elbows firmly planted against the old wooden surface as she frowned across the little table at Marlene.
"All right, I waited over the weekend," she spoke levelly in a low, library-appropriate voice.
"Cheers for that," Marlene said, flashing a smile that faltered as soon as Lily's eyebrow rose in a sharp arch.
"I did warn you, however, that we'd have a talk, so that's what we're going to do."
"Come on, Lily, you've already punished me and I've apologised. Profusely. What more do we still need to talk about?"
"How about how you were hounding me for dirty details after Connor's birthday party a few weeks back. A bit hypocritical, don't you think? Given how close to your chest you've kept your own gossip. However," an impish smile tugged at Lily's lips, "now's your chance to reciprocate. So go on then. Spill."
Marlene's face flushed with relief and then she gave Lily a grateful grin in return.
"Oh thank Merlin," she sighed. "While keeping a secret can be kinda exciting, I've been dying to tell someone about all this. Honestly, I'm not even sure where to start."
"From the beginning," Lily suggested. "How did you and Benjy get together?"
Marlene shook her head. "That's still a bit of a mystery. He and Marcus had some plans but something came up and Marcus wasn't home when Benjy came over. I ended up keeping him company and it was kinda weird at first. He's been my brother's best friend for years and he's been at our house plenty of times and being in the same House I've seen him here at school… but despite all that, we've hardly ever spent time alone with just the two of us, you know?"
Lily nodded.
"Anyway, we were talking and having a good time and something just… clicked. Or shifted. Or something."
"I guess that's just how it goes sometimes," Lily said. "I am glad, Marls, I really am. Benjy is a great guy and you seem happy. I just wish you had told me sooner."
"You know I wanted to, but –!"
"No buts!" Lily shook her head. "Look, I understand your reasons, but I just don't think keeping you and Benjy a secret was the right choice."
Marlene crossed her arms and frowned.
"The thing is… I wasn't just angry last week when I found out," Lily continued, her voice softer and kinder. "I was a little hurt, too, because I felt like you thought you couldn't confide in me."
"Oh, Lily, I'm sorry!" Marlene made a face. "I really didn't mean it like that."
"I know," Lily replied with a small smile. "But even so… I think you should tell Marcus. Sooner, rather than later."
Marlene heaved a sigh. "Yeah, I guess…"
"No, you really should. I mean you're probably right, he'll feel weird about it at first; after all it's his best mate and his little sister. But if you put it off, keeping it a secret, it might seem to him like you didn't trust him, that you thought he wasn't able to handle the news. And that could be even worse. Just imagine how he'd react if he found out about you two somehow and you would have never told him."
Marlene bowed her head, her hair falling in a blonde curtain to hide her face. She didn't say anything for a moment, but Lily saw the sheepish slump of her shoulders.
"You're right," she admitted. She met Lily's eyes, her lips pulled into a rueful grimace. "I guess a part of me was scared how Marcus would react."
"I think anyone would be nervous in that situation," Lily replied. "Maybe you could try telling him this weekend? Hogsmeade could serve as a neutral ground of sorts."
"Mhm, maybe." Marlene looked at Lily, her eyes sparking once again. "How about you? Looking forward to your date?"
"I think I'm more nervous than excited about it," Lily confessed and bit her lip. "I'm still kinda in awe that Connor even asked me out in the first place. And I do like him – I just don't know if I like him enough."
"Well, that's what a date's for, isn't it? To find out." Marlene grinned.
"That sounds oddly supportive in light of all your earlier teasing of my dating habits," Lily quipped.
"You know we were just taking the mickey, Lily."
"That doesn't mean you didn't have a point."
"Maybe. Anyway, I hope you'll have a lovely time."
"Thanks."
Marlene smiled, but it was hesitant, the look in her eyes suddenly unsure.
Lily could almost hear the whisper of the words she was holding back, ready to come out.
"What is it?" she asked.
Marlene took a breath and spoke: "Did you hear about James?"
"His date with Dana Watson, you mean?"
"Yeah," Marlene breathed, "that." Her gaze was searching, as if trying to gauge her friend's reaction.
"Well, that was a hardly a surprise, eh? Dana wasn't exactly trying to hide her interest in him, and Potter had no reason to refuse."
Marlene's brows rose. "Hadn't he?"
"No," Lily said firmly, levelling Marlene a long look. "He hadn't."
"That's a shame though. I think you'd make a cute couple."
"Don't let Connor or Dana hear that," Lily replied, though a small smile touched her lips. "Unfortunately I don't return Potter's feelings; toerags aren't my type. But I think I'd like to try to be friends with him."
"Really? I wonder how that'll go." Marlene frowned.
"You sound very doubtful for a person who just a moment ago wished we'd be a couple."
"Well, lovers are completely different from friends."
"That they are. But I think he's been changing a little for the better. You know on Friday he actually wished me a good date with Connor."
"Potter did?" Marlene snorted. "Wow, that's big of him. But I guess your dynamic is bound to change if both of your dates go well this weekend. Maybe becoming friends would be nice after all."
"Ahh, I almost wish it was Saturday already so I could just get it all over and done with," Lily sighed. "How am I going to get through all this week's lessons and homework when I feel all jittery?"
"It'll come, sooner than you think, probably." Marlene picked up her bag. "I think I need to go talk to Benjy and suggest we'll tell Marcus in Hogsmeade, like you said."
"I think that's a great idea. Good luck, Marlene!"
"Thanks. I'll see you back at the dorm."
Lily nodded and waved at Marlene as she left. Then, she squared her shoulders and picked up the translation assignment she'd got earlier in Ancient Runes.
Saturday dawned only half-cloudy. At some point last night, when Lily had been tossing and turning in her bed, heavy rain had drummed against the windows, but now the sun was shyly peeking out. Lily fretted over how to do her hair, hoping that by some magic she would not look as tired as she felt after her nervous, near-sleepless night – perhaps one day there would be a charm to get rid of the dark circles from under your eyes, but for now, make-up would have to do. She'd be wearing her usual school robes to Hogsmeade, but she'd pair them with the cute muffler she'd got from Gwen for her birthday. She felt even more nervous now that the day had finally arrived, her gut like a tangle of slithering snakes. Unlike her, the other Gryffindor girls were all very cheery, smiling and chatting about their plans for the day – Gwen and Mary were going to visit Honeydukes and Gladrags together and have lunch at the Three Broomsticks, while Betty would be joining her friends from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Only Marlene was quiet; she must've been feeling nervous, too. The girls all spent more time than usual getting ready, bickering about whose turn it was to use the bathroom mirror.
Eventually they made their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. The whole school seemed aflutter with the excitement of the first Hogsmeade weekend of the term, none more than the third years who'd be visiting the village for the first time. Lily sat down on the bench next to Mary and Marlene, and wondered if she was going to be able to eat anything. Her stomach was just as restless now as it had been all morning, but knowing she had a full day ahead, Lily got a slice of toast and piled some scrambled eggs on her plate. Taking a careful sip of her morning tea, Lily glanced down the long table to where the sixth year boys were sitting. As always, they were laughing and fooling around, though Potter's grin didn't come as quickly and easily as usual, and he didn't have much appetite either if the way he kept pushing the sausages around his plate was any indication.
Somehow that made Lily feel a little better; at least Potter was in the same boat as her. It cheered her up to know she wasn't the only one whose upcoming date was curbing their appetite.
Squaring her shoulders, she focused on her toast and eggs, attacking the breakfast with fervour.
The nervous flutter emerged again once Lily and her friends stepped through the front doors out into the courtyard. She spotted Connor easily, and he started to walk over to her.
"Bye, Lily!" Mary and Gwen wished her, followed by stifled giggles.
"Good luck," Marlene wished in an undertone.
Lily nodded and waved at them, and then Connor was there, standing before her, smiling down at her.
"Hi, Lily," he greeted her.
"Hey," she managed, flashing him a small smile.
"Shall we?"
Lily nodded and fell into step with him as they started towards the school gates.
She was tense at first, too aware of his body walking so close to hers, and the fleeting curious stares the other students cast their way.
They made their way towards Hogsmeade at an unhurried pace, just walking and talking. They started with weather, which was the safest and easiest conversation topic in the muggle and the wizarding world alike. The day was nice, they both agreed; it had been the wettest October in several years so it was great to see the elusive sun peeking out – even though it shone a tad too brightly to Lily's liking. The subject was soon exhausted, however, so they moved on to another: school.
They talked about lessons, homework, professors, and prefect duties. Lily didn't notice her anxiety trickling away and her tight nerves relaxing until she realised, in the middle of an avid discussion about advanced Charms theory, that she wasn't feeling self-conscious anymore. In fact, she was having a great time: Connor was intelligent and thoughtful and it was interesting to hear his insights on different topics.
They finally came to a stop, reaching the cobbled high street of Hogsmeade. Connor turned to her, and taking in his wavy brown hair and even features, it struck Lily that he wasn't just an engaging conversationalist – he was quite handsome as well. She bit her lip, feeling her face heat up. Hopefully he wouldn't notice her blushing, with her cheeks already reddened by the cool October air.
"Do you have anywhere you want to go?" Connor asked.
"Nowhere in particular," Lily replied with a small shake of her head.
"Then perhaps we could start at Scrivenshaft's? I need more ink."
"Sure, Scrivenshaft's sounds good," she agreed with a quick smile.
He returned it, his smile warm, and they went into the shop.
Inside the Scrivenshaft's Quill shop, the air was warm and carried the dusty scent of parchment. Lily browsed the assortment of quills, but only got two rolls of parchment in the end. As nice as some of the quills had been, she didn't really need a new one. Connor got his ink, and soon they were back out on the street. The wind bit colder now, after the visit to the warm store.
"Where next?" Connor asked her, and nodded in passing to another student who'd greeted him.
"Honeydukes?" Lily suggested. "Need to stock up the sweets stash."
"Excellent idea," Connor grinned. "Sweets are a necessary fuel to all those late night study sessions."
"That they are," Lily agreed with a quick grin of her own.
They walked up the street, continuing to talk in a similar light-hearted manner, until they reached the sweet shop.
The merry tinkle of the bell was lost in the cacophony of voices: just like Lily had expected, Honeydukes was packed with Hogwarts students, from awed and eager third years to seasoned seventh years who navigated the shop with easy efficiency. Lily spotted Marcus McKinnon and Benjy Fenwick at the back of the shop, and a group of fifth year Ravenclaw girls including Kat Whyte, queueing up to the counter.
"The poor shop assistant looks a bit harried," Connor noted, leaning to whisper into Lily's year.
"Well, I'm sure the sales figures will make up for the hectic day," Lily replied. She picked a striped paper bag and inched past a group of fourth year Slytherins to get to the shelves of toffee and chocolate.
"Good choice," Connor murmured from behind her, the smile evident in his voice. He stepped closer to study the assortment of chocolates, and when he leaned over to put some into his bag, his arm brushed against Lily's shoulder. Realising how close he was standing, Lily again felt the blush threatening to rise to her cheeks, but instead she determinedly concentrated on the honey-coloured toffee before her, scooping some into her bag.
"What else are you planning to get?" Connor asked her as she moved on to the chocolates.
"I don't know. Maybe something minty to counterbalance the sweetness," Lily replied thoughtfully.
"What, no Every Flavour Beans or pepper imps so you can prove your Gryffindor courage?" he teased.
Lily's stomach jolted. Joking around like that was a clear sign that he was becoming more familiar with her, breaking through the careful politeness he had shown towards her before. And just like that, the distancing barrier between them dropped: he wasn't the Head Boy anymore, he was just a bloke with whom she was on a date.
Lily turned to him, her green eyes bright, her lips twisting into a playful smile.
"I don't see any sugar quills in your sweets bag either, Mr Ravenclaw."
Connor let out a little laugh, and the sound of it flooded Lily with warmth. There was a look in his eyes that Lily recognised, and as he leaned against the shelf of chocolates, she tilted her head and welcomed the kiss.
