One evening, about two months after her assault, Scully knocked on Mulder's door.
"Hi," he was surprised and delighted to see her. "Come on in."
He moved to let her inside and she entered nervously, staying near the door. She was holding a little pharmacy bag and avoiding his gaze.
"Is everything all right?" Mulder asked worryingly.
"Yeah, I just…" Scully started, forcing herself to look at him. "I need you to do this with me."
She handed him the bag and he took it reluctantly, his heart beating a little faster. What did it mean? Was she sick? Was it… cancer?
"What is this?" he asked, afraid to look inside.
Scully opened her mouth to respond, but the words didn't come. She turned away from him, embarrassed, questioning the idea to come to him with this particular issue. But she had nowhere else to go.
Having no other choice, Mulder finally opened the bag and took a little box out of it. He had no idea what to expect, but what he found went beyond his wildest imagination.
"Is this a joke?" he asked, not laughing. If it was, it wasn't funny. It was bizarre.
"I need you to look at the result for me," Scully explained, convincing Mulder that she completely lost her mind. "Because I don't think I can."
"Do you also need me to pee on this?" he asked sarcastically, having a huge trouble believing that he was having this conversation. "Because it'll get you the same result."
"Mulder," Scully sighed. "Please don't make this any harder than it already is."
"Scully," he said slowly, as if he was explaining something to a child. "You are a… barren woman."
It hurt to say those words, to remind her of that painful fact, but he had to stop this nonsense.
"Barren women get pregnant from time to time," Scully insisted. "It's not unheard of. It happens and no one can explain it."
"I thought," Mulder nodded, looking at the floor. Now it was him who couldn't return the gaze. "I thought you said he, um, used a condom."
"It could have been pierced or damaged in some way," Scully sounded as if she was actually saying something logical and reasonable and it was starting to drive Mulder crazy. "Though not even perfectly correct condoms offer a hundred percent protection."
"Even with a barren woman?" Mulder asked incredulously. "Who are you and what have you done with my partner?"
"You told me to never give up on a miracle," Scully reminded him with teary eyes. Or maybe she said it to prove that she wasn't a shape-shifter. Mulder didn't know what to think anymore.
"This isn't what I meant!" he snapped. "Damn it, Scully, it would be an abomination, not a miracle!"
"Fine," Scully said calmly, even though her hands were shaking. "Let me have the test and you'll get your proof."
He didn't need a proof. He needed his scientist back. He wanted to shake her, to slap her, throw cold water on her face, or whatever was needed to bring her back to her senses. But he couldn't do any of that and all he had was a damn pregnancy test.
So he returned it to her.
"Go ahead," he said. "You know the way."
"Will you…?" Scully was afraid to ask.
"Yes, I'll read the results for you," he promised with a roll of his eyes. "Let's just get this madness over with."
"Thank you," she whispered sadly, then quickly went to his bathroom.
With a sigh, Mulder sat on his couch, waiting for her. It brought back memories and he wasn't sure which was worse, those memories or the present moment.
They've done this before. But that time they hoped for the opposite result. Scully came to him with the same request and they waited for what seemed forever, even though the clock said it only lasted five minutes. Those five minutes he wouldn't mind to have lost to some alien cause, but it was the one time aliens left them alone. Them, and their child that wasn't meant to be…
He didn't need to tell her the results when the time finally passed, she was able to clearly read it on his face. It was right before her doctor's appointment and she decided to go alone, not letting him accompany her despite his protests. There was no use, she reasoned, since they already knew the results, as unofficial as they were.
She wanted to face the confirmation of her hopes being crushed alone. Like she always did.
Mulder, on the other hand, didn't want to be alone. He went to her place and waited for her there. Good news or bad news, he wanted to be there for her.
He also wanted to know. Not because he wanted a child, no, it would have been her child and he wasn't going to stand in the way. She asked him to be a donor, not a father.
But those were his boys nonetheless, and he wanted to know if they could swim and seduce the ova that he once held in his pocket.
Apparently they couldn't.
He told Scully never to give up on a miracle, and now he never wanted so badly to take anything back in his life. What a hell of a timing it was for her to decide to believe him for once!
She was back in his bathroom now, peeing on a stick while he waited for her on his couch. They were doing it all over again, but for the worst possible reason.
When Scully returned, she handed him the stick without a word and he placed it on the shelf next to the aquarium, checking the time.
They sat in silence for a few moments, but the tension soon became unbearable and someone had to say something.
"I know how crazy this must seem to you…" Scully started, unsure how to proceed.
"It doesn't matter," Mulder shook his head then buried it in his hands. He suddenly felt exhausted and the thought about what they were doing was giving him a serious headache.
"I just…" she continued. "I need to know. I need… something… to be right again."
And by right she meant still barren. What a crazy turn of events! Everything was completely upside down.
Mulder raised his head to look at her, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking at her hands, lost in the prison that she carried with her everywhere she went. He started to hope the news would help her break free, at least a little bit.
It was going to be good news, wasn't it? Pfaster did simply walk out of maximum security prison, but it didn't mean his boys could do the same, and even if they could they wouldn't be coming out on a fertile ground.
That man was only capable of destroying life, not making one.
When the time passed and Mulder reached for the stick, Scully suddenly stood up.
"This was a mistake," she announced anxiously. "I should go."
She grabbed her purse and rushed towards the door, but Mulder was faster and he managed to block her way.
"Don't you want to know?" he asked gently.
"No!" she screamed. "I need to leave! Let me go!"
She tried to push him away, but he stayed in place. He grabbed her arms in an attempt to calm her down, forgetting for a moment that physical touch was upsetting for her.
"It's ok!" he tried to out-yell her, but she was getting hysterical.
"No! It's not! Just let me go!"
"It's negative!"
"LET ME GO!"
"Scully, it's negative! You are not pregnant! Listen to me! You are NOT pregnant! It's fine. Everything is fine."
"It's negative?" the words finally reached her and she stopped struggling.
"It's negative," Mulder repeated gently. "You are not pregnant. It's over."
She nodded, shaking under his grip.
"Please let me go," she whispered and Mulder immediately released her, terrified of the possibility that his grasp hurt her in any way.
Scully turned away from him and rushed to the kitchen, leaving him shaken and worried.
What had he done to her? How could he forget? How was he going to fix it, damn it?
He followed her to find her leaning over a chair, breathing rapidly but normally. She wasn't fighting for breath, so at least that was a good sign.
"I'm sorry," he said slowly, afraid of upsetting her further.
"No, I'm sorry," she said, straightening up and pulling herself together. "I don't know what's gotten into me."
Well, it wasn't the truth, but Mulder wasn't going to object. They both knew exactly what'd gotten into her, but the problem was that neither of them knew how to get it – or him - out.
Mulder went to the fridge, grabbed a couple of beers and handed one bottle to her.
"Since you are not pregnant I believe you are allowed to drink this," he offered. "I think you need one."
He sure needed it himself.
"Thank you," Scully took the bottle, sitting down at the table. "I don't know what I'd do if it was…"
"It wasn't," Mulder tried to assure her, taking a seat opposite to her, at a safe distance. "It isn't. It's okay."
"Are you sure?" she pleaded. She hated herself for acting so weak, but the doubt in her mind just wouldn't go away. Pfaster had his ways of torturing her, even from beyond the grave.
Mulder didn't answer her question. He got up instead, went back to the living room to retrieve the stick so that she could see for herself.
Not pregnant.
She wasn't pregnant.
The fact was finally starting to sink into her brain and she visibly relaxed, taking a celebratory sip of beer.
"What made you think it could be any other way?" Mulder asked gently, trying to help her get it out of her system for good.
"I…" Scully was beginning to feel seriously embarrassed about the whole thing. "It doesn't matter. You wouldn't believe me."
"I wouldn't believe you?" Mulder chuckled in surprise. "Are you aware of who you are talking to?"
That got a tiny little smile from Scully as well. She raised her gaze from the stick to look at him. He was sitting opposite to her again, far enough, but close enough as well. It helped her relax a bit further.
"Right," she nodded, realizing that she at least owed him an explanation for what must have seemed like a bizarre behavior to him. If she wanted to get her life under control again, she had to start taking responsibility for her actions and cleaning her messes.
"I keep having these dreams," she explained. "He tells me I'm pregnant… My belly gets swollen and I can feel a movement inside… He… He tells me it's his child… Or he himself… Growing inside me… I know it's just a dream, Mulder… But it feels so real…"
"It's not just a dream," Mulder offered. "It's how your subconscious is dealing with trauma. It'll stop. You'll be fine."
"Yeah," Scully sighed. "I wish I was as sure about that as you are."
"I see a change in you," Mulder insisted. "I know you can feel it too. You are struggling, but the worst is behind you."
"Tennessee snakes," Scully contemplated, seemingly changing the subject. "Our last case, Mulder. When O'Connor pressed me to that cage and tried to force my hand inside, to those angry snakes… I wanted to live. For the first time since Pfaster… I wanted to live."
A few tears started silently rolling down her cheeks. She looked at Mulder, waiting for a comment, but he just nodded, penetrating every cell in her body with his gaze. It gave her goosebumps.
"I suppose…" she licked her lips nervously, feeling self-conscious again. "I suppose facing deadly snakes will do that to you."
"It wasn't snakes, Scully," Mulder finally spoke, gently but firmly at the same time. "It was you. It was your choice. Your decision. You decided to face your fears, and when you couldn't do it alone you were strong enough to admit you need help and ask for it."
He motioned towards the pregnancy test on the table, whispering so silently that she barely heard him. "I'm proud of you."
She wondered how he did that. How he always made her feel better. She came to him frightened, completely embarrassed herself in front of him and he made her feel worthy. He made her feel accepted. What he saw in her, that was what she wanted to believe in. That was what she wanted to become.
Taking a deep breath, she wiped away the tears.
"I'm seeing my gynecologist tomorrow," she announced. "Just a regular checkup, but I didn't want any surprises, no matter how improbable… Thank you for doing this with me, Mulder."
"Did it make you feel better?" he asked. As if he had to ask.
"I feel like a huge stone fell from my shoulders," Scully answered. "Like I can truly breathe again. It's as if I was given another chance… But there is a part of me that feels disappointed. I wanted a child for so long and if something like this happened… If it had been a possibility… My only chance… I'm not sure I could refuse it. Even from an evil man…"
"All children are born innocent," Mulder said. "Our parents' sins don't define us as persons. If you were in that situation I'm sure you'd make the right decision for you. I'm just glad you don't have to."
"If I had anonymous donor…"
"You didn't."
"I know, but if you refused… It would've been my only choice."
"I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I would refuse."
"I would have had hundreds, maybe thousands samples to browse through," Scully continued, not even registering his remark. "I could had chosen eye colors, level of education and many other details about potential donors… But there would be no way of knowing if the man was evil or not."
"I'm not such a good catch myself," Mulder joked. "I wonder why you even considered me."
"Who else, Mulder?" Scully, on the other hand, was deadly serious. "You are a wonderful, passionate, caring man."
"Still," Mulder smiled mischievously. "It would've been a handful kid."
"Oh, I bet," Scully agreed playfully. "But I could handle it. I've had a lot of practice."
"You'd be a great mother, Scully," Mulder said.
"You'd be a great father," Scully answered, feeling sad again, remembering that she'd never have a chance to find out what if feels to be a mother or how well she would handle that role. But Mulder, he still had a chance at parenting.
"Do you want to be?" she asked him. "Do you want to settle down and have children one day?"
"I've thought about it," he admitted. Ever since she asked him to be a donor, he thought about having a child. He had never considered it before, having long ago dedicated his life solely to search for his sister, but Scully's request opened his mind to some extreme possibilities.
"I've thought about a little girl, playing with Samantha's toys…" Mulder mused. "Bringing back joy to my family, my mother… Or a little boy, to play baseball with and go for a run... You know, Scully, I run so fast that no one has ever been able to keep up with me. I like to think William could."
"William?" Scully was surprised. He had a name for him?
"Yeah," Mulder chuckled, feeling a little embarrassed. "After my father. I know it's not the best choice, but I'm not very creative in that area, so I go with the easiest one. If it ever happens I'll let his mother pick a name."
"No, it's a good name. I like it," Scully assured him. "It's like my brother. And father."
"Do you think we would be able to keep our kids safe?" Mulder wondered. "I mean, your kids," he quickly clarified. "And mine."
"Well, we don't have to worry about my children, do we?" Scully answered, looking at the pregnancy test. She picked it up and took it to the trash. "As for yours… I'd protect them with my life."
"One day, Mulder," she smiled, turning to him. "You'll have your William."
"How do you know?" Mulder was puzzled.
"I just know," she answered mysteriously, with a sudden certainty which she couldn't even begin to explain. "I just do."
