Nothing Changes Unless Next A Nightmare
(Working Title: Cathartic Release)
By LizD
Winter 2011
Chapter 11
=|=.B.=|=.O.=|=.N.=|=.E.=|=.S.=|=
It was a week since Hannah overheard Angela and Cam. It was a week that Angela was waiting for the blowback. They had literally sidestepped Hannah when she confronted them, suggesting that Hannah discuss it with Booth. Cam counseled waiting until he had recovered from his surgery. It was a week that Angela was waiting for Brennan to say something, anything to her about that. But nothing happened. Brennan had again and in true Brennan fashion shut down. She worked; she said nothing to anyone about anything other than work. She didn't have lunch with them, she didn't go for drinks with them, she didn't want to talk about the baby and she didn't go visit Booth with them. Angela felt it was time for Brennan to be forced out of the safety of her intellect and into the scary world of her emotions. In lieu of the tearful talk, Angela would go for just making her mad. She wanted to see some emotion. Angela walked into Brennan's office. "Hey sweetie."
"Hi." Brennan was busy clearing off her desk.
"So Booth gets out of the hospital today."
"Yes."
"Jack, Cam and I were going to bring him some Chinese, do you want to come with?"
"No, thank you."
Angela was done pussyfooting around. "So, what's going on with you and Booth?"
Brennan stopped what she was doing but didn't look up. "Nothing."
"Something's going on."
"No, not a thing." She went back to sorting and filing.
Angela decided that the direct approach wouldn't work; she had to take another tactic. "So, Booth did not tell Hannah all the gory details of his brain tumor … or the coma dream or waking up in love with you."
Brennan finally looked up at her. "So you told her."
"She overheard me talking to Cam."
"I wish you wouldn't gossip and I particularly wish you wouldn't gossip about me or Booth."
"How about you and Booth?"
"Angela."
"Someone needed to tell her what kind of party she was invited to, and if Booth couldn't do it and she couldn't figure it out, it might as well have been me."
"Angela, please listen to me. Above all else, I care about Booth and his happiness. If he has found that with Hannah, then I do now wish to interfere even if I could – which I can't."
"Very magnanimous." Angela folded her arms over her swelling abdomen. "What about you?"
"I'm fine. I never expected to find the kind of love that you and Dr. Hodgins have. I see the logic in marriage and I don't need a husband for children. I'm fine on my own – better."
"That's because you don't think you deserve to be loved. You don't think you are loveable … and if no one else tells you, I will. You are loveable. You're an amazing human being and you deserve the same happiness as the rest of us. You don't need to be alone, Brennan. You won't ever be alone as long as I'm alive, but you deserve a man who will love you."
"That may or may not be true or be something I will ever be open to, but that man will not be Booth."
"Because of Hannah? She's cotton candy, your steak."
"I would prefer not to be compared to food, but no it is not because of Hannah. It's because of Booth. We spent years building trust and respect for each other. He has broken that trust in deference to his relationship with Hannah. That tells me a lot about the man he really is."
"Ya know what, Bren. Relationships are about love and trust and respect and companionship … but they're also about forgiveness. We're all human. We all make mistakes. We all need to be forgiven."
"To be forgiven doesn't a person need to recognize that they have done something that requires forgiveness."
"Give it time, Bren. Give it time."
"Well right now, I am taking six to eight weeks."
"Where are you running away to this time?"
Brennan frowned. "Peru."
"If you keep running away, you may find that the people you expected to be here when you get back are gone – and gone for good."
"I am well of aware of that Angela fact," she said with tears in her eyes. She was very well aware of that – painfully aware. "The message has been received and understood." Wasn't that part of the reason she went to Maluku, to gain some perspective and see if whatever was between them could survive. It did for her, it didn't for him. Not only did he engage in a sexual liaison with someone else, but he fell in love and brought her into their lives. In doing so he chose to trample on everything Booth and Brennan had built over their time together. She loved him enough to be happy for him with his new love; he didn't care enough about her to respect their friendship, honor the trust that took years to build.
"Bren, Hannah is not -."
"Angela, this is not about Hannah. It has nothing to do with her - perse. This has to do with my relationship, my partnership, my friendship with Booth. He made his choice and it was not me."
"What choice?"
"Who he would be loyal to. It was not me," she said again; her voice cracking.
"You are setting him up for failure, Sweetie. Was there any way he could be loyal to both of you?"
"Yes, there was. But he didn't choose that. I have to adapt."
=|=.B.=|=.&.=|=.B.=|=
Booth called several times during his recovery, Brennan let it go to voice mail. On the day of his release he called her office phone and she picked it up.
"Bones, what's going on?" he asked.
"I don't understand the question."
"I'm getting out today."
"Yes, I know. I'm very glad you will recover fully."
"Not glad enough to come see me."
"I'm going to Peru," she announced. "I will be gone for six to eight weeks."
"Right … I guess I should have seen that coming."
"You have more pressing matters. You need to heal."
"Can I see you before you go?"
"I 'm leaving in the morning, very early."
"I'd like to see you, to talk to you ... I think we need to talk."
"I'm not sure there is much left to say."
"I know you are angry with me and I know why. I never should have put you in that position. It was rude and wrong. I'm sorry."
"Accepted," she stated quickly though she wasn't sure which position he was referring to, but it didn't matter, she didn't accept his apology. She lied to him. She had never overtly lied to him before. She didn't like it.
"Please come see me, I can't come to you ... I just had my head opened." He tried to be funny, but it was not a funny situation.
"They didn't literally open your skull, Booth."
"I know, Bones. Please."
Brennan thought for a moment. She had no intention of going to see him but she needed an excuse that he wouldn't debate. "Hannah has requested that I not see you."
Booth took in a sharp breath. "She had no right to do that."
"She has every right. She is the person you have chosen."
"Bones, please."
"I'm sorry, Booth. I need to go."
"Will you be back?"
"In six to eight weeks. We can talk about dissolving our working relationship then."
Another sharp breath from Booth. "Bren, please don't do anything or decide anything until we can talk, OK?"
"What did you call me?"
"Bones, I called you Bones ... I always call you Bones." He really didn't remember calling her Bren. "Are you sure you have to go? Can you just give me a little time ... a little more time? ... I know I don't have the right to ask."
"No, no you don't."
"Let me fix this, Bren - please, give me a chance to fix this and make it up to you."
She didn't know to what he was referring. She didn't know what he saw as broken and needed fixing. But he had to stop calling her Bren. It was tearing her up inside. Booth and Bren were dead. "I need to go. Please take care of yourself." She hung up. There tears streamed down her face. She quickly brushed them off and went back to what she was doing.
=|=.B.=|=.&.=|=.B.=|=
"Dr. Brennan?" Sweets called from her doorway.
Brennan stood up and glared at him. She couldn't take any more interruptions and she really didn't want to talk about her feelings or Booth or Hannah or anything to anyone.
"Am I interrupting?"
"I am closing up my office. I'm going to Peru."
"Sudden vacation?"
"It's work related. Dr. Sweets if you are here to talk about Booth -."
"No, I am here to talk to you, Dr. Brennan. I'm not here as a psychologist, I'm here as a friend."
"Thank you but I would really rather not. And I must finish what I am doing."
"That's exactly what I want to talk to you about. Closure is a very important process in life. Finding closure allows you to move on in your life productively without dragging the baggage of the past with you."
"This does not sound like a conversation of a friend, it's more psychology."
"I'm a friend who is a psychologist and I have a very unique perspective as I have been permitted to observe your relationship with Agent Booth over the years."
"You have been more than an observer, Dr. Sweets. On many occasions you have been the catalyst forcing us in a direction that we hadn't intended on going with some very negative results."
"I realize that, and maybe it's my own guilt that has brought me here today, but I really feel that it's important."
"Closure?"
"Yes. When you and Booth parted more than a year ago, there was no clear understanding between you."
"We would return and resume our work with the FBI as we did."
"No, no." Sweets looked down. "There was no understanding about your personal relationship."
"We don't have one."
"Dr. Brennan, you and Booth have a deeper connection than most people ever hope to have."
"I don't want to talk about this."
Sweets played is trump card. "Did you experience the same dream Booth did this time too?"
Brennan snapped her attention to Sweets. Was there anything that Booth felt was sacred? Whatever happened to 'what's ours is ours'? "No," she denied it.
"I can see that you're lying, Dr. Brennan. Did your dream involve the loss of the child and end with a sniper bullet killing you both at the same time with a shot through your hearts?"
She looked down. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I think you do."
"Isn't death a form of closure?"
"Death is an end, but it's not closure." Sweets stepped closer. "I would like to help you, Dr. Brennan."
"Why?"
"Because I care about you. I care about your happiness. I care that you appear to be hiding a great deal of pain and that means to me that you feel alone. You're not alone, Dr. Brennan."
"I appreciate that you are trying to help, but your way has caused me nothing but grief. I would prefer to handle this my way."
"This is not the kind of thing you can think your way through. It's not about forcing a new perspective. Losing Booth will be harder than losing your parents," he pronounced. "He earned your trust, and then he discarded it. That was a betrayal. Isn't that how you feel?"
Brennan stood up very straight and took a deep cleansing breath. "I appreciate what you are trying to do and I know that you want to help, but it's not helping. I don't need the same kind of ... closure as you do ... I'm not like you. So thank you for your time and interest, but please do not direct your psychology at me anymore." With that she picked up her bag and walked out.
Sweets was left knowing that he has started the B&B snowball rolling down the hill. It was completely out of control now leaving a path of destruction in its wake.
=|=.B.=|=.&.=|=.B.=|=
Hannah helped Booth into the apartment. He settled in on the couch. He looked over at the answering machine to see if Brennan had called. There was no message light flashing. Hannah had been short and civil on the ride home. She apparently hadn't softened in the week.
"Can I get you anything?" she asked. "I need to get back to the office."
"I thought you took the afternoon off."
"I can't. Big story."
"We should talk."
"I can't right now, Seeley."
"Did you ask Bones not to visit me in the hospital?" he asked ignoring her request.
"I did."
"You had no right to do that."
"I have every right."
"No, not really. If you have a problem with my relationship with Bones, you need to talk to me about it not her."
"Fine." She put her hands on her hips to brace herself. "Do you still have feelings for Temperance?"
"Yes," he said quickly.
"So you lied to me."
"I lied to myself. I thought it was over. I convinced myself it was. I convinced myself that she didn't and couldn't ever feel about me the same way. I told myself that I had to move on." He shook his head. "But I still have feelings for her - doesn't matter how she feels about me."
Hannah was at a loss. She had no idea how to respond to that.
"I'm sorry, Hannah. I realize how unfair this has been to you."
"Yeah, ya think?" She paced a little. "I moved to Washington for you. I gave up my career for you."
"I know. I know. I also know that I didn't ask you to do that, but it was unfair to accept it when you offered. I do love you Hannah, very much."
"But not enough," she said with tear filled eyes.
"Bones and I -."
"Stop calling her that stupid name."
"We have built a history. We have built trust and respect. It wasn't easy like it was with you. We worked for it, we earned it. We have seen each other through some really rough times. We know things about each other that no one else in the world knows or will ever know."
"Yeah, you left me out of a lot of your life."
"It would have come in time for us too -probably. But ..."
"But what?"
"Meeting you came out of nowhere. I had no expectation of meeting anyone and particularly not in a war zone. You surprised me. You delighted me. You were happy and free and easy to be around. I saw everything that was good with you and I forgot how much Bones - Brennan and I had. When you and I met, all I could see was what I didn't have with her and could have with you. But that was wrong. Wrong on my part. I'm sorry. I have been very unfair to you, to Bones and to myself."
She shook her head. "I can't believe you are breaking up with me because of her."
"You deserve someone who will love you completely."
She wiped at her eyes but they were dry. "I suppose I knew it wasn't going to last. I suppose I should have questioned everything more. That was my fault. You were too good to be true and I should never have trusted it. Trusted you."
"I'm sorry."
"So when will Temperance be here? How long do I have to get my stuff out?"
He knew that Hannah was the type of woman to be snide and spiteful - so unlike Brennan. "Bones is in Peru for six weeks. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to convince her to be my partner again much less anything else."
"She would be a fool not to."
"Bones is not like anyone you've ever known."
"I was still expecting that her whole super scientist thing was just an act."
"Nope ... that's Bones."
"Will you be alright by yourself?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"So, this is it?" She was a loss over how to leave.
"Yeah. I guess it is."
"I had a great time ... most of it."
"Yeah, me too."
"So, I'll see you in the funny papers, huh Seeley?"
"Yeah."
"I'll come back and get my stuff later. I really am late for ... for... for something."
Hannah blasted out of the apartment quickly so she didn't have to say anything else. Booth was left alone. Finally alone. Finally he was free to think about Brennan they way he wanted to. He had to earn her trust back, as a partner first, then a friend and maybe more. This time he would not give up. He would wait for her. Just like a wild animal, he would sit still and allow her to get comfortable with him. This last betrayal will be hard to get past. But there was no moving on for him, not any more. He would wait. Wait for her.
Wait? Wait? There was something about waiting ... or not waiting that was gnawing at him. It was something that Bren had said in his dream. He closed his eyes and tried to remember. It was on him in a flash: He had asked her, "Did you expect me to follow you? To find you?" Her response was, "No, but if you had, I would have refused you nothing."
Booth was not about to make the same mistake again. He pulled out his phone and dialed. "Sweets, get over here, I need your help. ... No Sweets, now!"
