Chapter 8: Virmire
"Suit up, Garrus!"
Shepard's voice echoed through the Cargo bay with equal parts jest and command. Garrus looked up from the Mako, tilting his head curiously as the Commander emerged from Engineering with Tali at his heels.
"Suit up?" The Turian asked skeptically.
"That was a joke. You're always armored," Shepard quipped.
Tali laughed appreciatively and Garrus frowned, looking down at his armor.
"Are you referring to my plates or my actual armor?"
"Well, damn. Now, you've gone and spoiled the joke."
"I thought we were still three days out from Virmire," Garrus asked curiously, reaching for his weapons from the nearby workbench and latching them onto the hardpoints of his armor.
"Four days now, actually. I've made a short detour. We'll be hitting the Herschel system in 5 minutes."
Garrus' mandibles flared into a wide predatory grin, his avian eyes sparkling with malice. The Turian growled a few octaves lower than usual.
"Dr. Saleon?" He made the name sound like a curse.
Shepard nodded.
At this point in the conversation, Shepard stood in the center of the cargo bay. Wrex was polishing his grandfather's armor on his cot nearby while Ashley and Kaidan talked quietly together at the weapons bench. A few other engineering and support staff were milling about with the requisitions officer. While no one was actively looking at him, Shepard could feel their focus circling him like a pack of nervous varen.
"Joker, you listening?"
"Uhh.. is that a trick question, Commander?
"Alright, listen up team. I owe you all an apology. I know for the past month I've lost sight of our mission, hunting for the terrorist group known as Cerberus. These missions were sanctioned by the Alliance, but I must admit I had a personal stake in them as well. I make no apologies for what we accomplished, only for my behavior. At times, my anger got the better of me and for that there is no excuse. I can promise you all that going forward it's not anger that drives us - but Justice. Justice for the civilians of Eden Prime. Justice for scientists at Noveria. And, Justice for the colonists at Feros. We're chasing that bastard Saren until he hangs for what he's done….Semper Fi Marines!"
"Oorah!" chorused the Alliance crew. Ashley and Kaidan were loudest of all. The Humans were obviously rallied, eagerly patting one another on the backs. Even Wrex seemed bolstered by the energy, punching his fists together and raising his shotgun in salute.
Tali and Garrus looked at one another in mutual confusion and Tali offered a faint shrug.
Shepard reveled in the energy of his crew, shaking hands and chatting for a moment before Joker announced:
"Arriving in Herschel system now, Commander. Picking up something on long-range scans. The MSV Fedele."
"Garrus, Tali. With me," Shepard ordered as he headed for the elevator. The boisterous cheers followed them through the CIC.
"Shepard," Garrus began as they finally moved out of earshot of the crew. "Far be it for me to question your inspirational speeches….but I don't think Dr. Saleon is relevant to catching Saren."
"He's relevant to you, Garrus. That's good enough for me."
Maggie Shepard's voice crackled with irritation from the terminal in Shepard's quarters. "Tell me you did not just ask me to interpret the behavior of a Turian I've never met who's on your ship four million light years away?"
"Uhhh…. What if I did? You know Turians. I thought you could offer some insight." Shepard tried to justify himself, but his excuses sounded pretty lame. His sister had a magical way of making him feel like a total dolt.
Maggie's image on the vid-screen rolled her eyes.
"I lived on Palaven for two years - that doesn't mean I'm instant Turian expert. Besides, Turians are just like people. They're assholes and heroes and everything in between. I've never met the guy, how the hell should I know if he's mad at you?"
"Well, I know you've spoken to him a couple of times…"
"Yeah, when you're avoiding me," Maggie interrupted and glowered. Even from millions of light-years away, Shepard could still feel the accusation in her gaze. He shifted uncomfortably.
"I said I was sorry about that!"
"You totally didn't mean it." Maggie teased him, but she was smiling. It was just their way. "I'll take it as a personal favor if you don't take anymore wounds to avoid me over."
"Noted."
"Good. Now, I've got better things to worry about than how you pissed off your Turian sniper."
Shepard frowned.
"Throw me a bone here, Mags. I stopped him from killing that Salarian and he's pissed. I might have overstepped some boundary that I don't understand. Are you sure it isn't a Turian thing?"
"Did he hit you?"
"Well, no. He's just avoiding me."
"Then, he's not that pissed."
"Thanks, Captain Obvious."
"You're welcome, Lieutenant Commander Socially Inept."
Shepard snorted derisively in response. There was simply no dealing with the girl sometimes.
On the other side of the galaxy, the dark-haired, slender Engineer peered down at her brother's image on her wrist and sighed. She uneasily glanced about the docking bay and inched away from her team, lowering her voice and blocking the image on her wrist with her body as she spoke into it.
"Look, he's a soldier alright? But, he's also your friend. Just treat him like you would any other friend. Do whatever you guys do to work out your problems. Drink beer, throw punches, piss off a roof. But, don't treat him differently 'cause he's a Turian. If you still can't figure it out, talk to someone on your ship, like that blue hussy. Asari are supposed to be good at this shit right? I can't do anything for you from..." Maggie hesitated and glanced behind her uneasily, "uhh...where I am."
Shepard looked thoughtful in the blurry holo hovering above Maggie's wrist.
"Ok - I think I have an idea about what to do. Thanks, Mags."
Maggie couldn't help but smile at her sibling. Even from this distance, she felt the pride and warmth of his thanks.
"No problem. How's everything else going? You handle that Cerberus bullshit?"
"Yeah - I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet - but it's handled."
"I read ya. Let me know when you're ready to …" Maggie trailed off and looked away from the screen. One of her new squadmates was waving to get her attention.
"Twelve minutes 'til contact, my lady," he gushed.
Maggie rolled her eyes.
"I'll be right there, Johnnie." She turned back to her wrist. "Look, Jo-Jo I really gotta run."
"Who is that guy? You got a hot date?" Shepard teased.
"He wishes...I'm sorry, duty calls. But, we'll catch up again soon, ok?"
"Yeah, of course. Behave yourself, you hear?"
Maggie winked at the image on her omni-tool. "You know me! Fly safe out there."
She dropped her wrist and turned to her team.
"Alright, let's move out."
Back on the Normandy, Shepard starred in quiet disbelief at his blank terminal screen. It was only the briefest glimpse, but as his sister's wrist had dropped, he saw her surroundings and her clothing. She appeared to be in a weapons depot or some kind of staging area and it had almost looked like his sister was wearing red light-weight armor and had a pistol on her hip. He hadn't recorded the call and he had no way to play back the feed to find out for sure.
Shepard shook his head. It had to just be his overtired brain filling in combat-like images where there were none. It didn't stop him from worrying though.
Communications engineers don't use pistols, at least as far as he knew.
Liara watched the Commander pace the small space of her "office." The Asari Doctor leaned against the edge of her desk, arms crossed, and patiently observed the Commander's awkward uncertainty. Their relationship was something new and strange to her. She had never had another member of any species take such an interest. They had confided in one another; their time together was like a separate peace from the rest of the missions and crew. Learning and growing together, her quarters were sanctuary. He asked questions, listened, and his gentle compliments made her feel strong. Shepard made her feel like she was the most powerful being in the galaxy.
The Asari worried that she had confessed her feelings for the Commander too soon. But, he chose her over Ashley and seemed to reciprocate. But, whatever they had was obviously set aside while he pursued the fury-driven assault on Cerberus. Now, that hurdle had passed only to be immediately replaced by another; much more endearing one. She sighed inwardly; just as she was getting up the courage to act on her feelings, too.
"He's avoiding me, Liara. I just know it. After I stopped him from killing that Salarian… What if he's lost respect for me?"
"Does his respect matter so much to you, Shepard? You seem more upset about the Garrus' behavior than other more… problematic displays from your crew."
Liara hadn't particularly said any individual; but Ashley was certainly in her implications. The wayward Marine had caused nothing but trouble and the Commander had for the most part ignored it. He pulled her off the ground team rotations in punishment for her striking Liara. But, a substantial part of the crew agreed with her more xenophobic tendencies and any further actions might have caused schisms in the Normandy's personnel. Shepard blew out a breath as he considered the Asari.
Liara made him think about things differently. It was part of the reason he was drawn to her so much. He made a herculean effort to keep his eyes from roaming down her lean curves. That was certainly part of the attraction, too.
"You're right. Of all the crap facing us right now, it's silly that Garrus should be my chief concern. But, it's really bothering me."
"Of course his behavior bothers you." Liara said with a smile, stepping forward and touching his forearm softly. "He's more than your crew. He's your friend."
Shepard let his gaze run from the Asari's hand to her eyes. He felt himself smile and gently covered her hand with his own as he leaned in towards her.
"Yeah. I guess he is."
Liara could feel herself blushing, the touch of his hand and the look in his eyes and his smile.
By the goddess...when he smiles.
She pulled away suddenly, afraid he could read her feelings like another Asari might. She was rubbing her hands together nervously as she moved back towards her terminal.
"So, how would you handle his behavior...as a friend?"
Shepard frowned when she pulled away. He watched her a moment and figured perhaps he had overstepped some kind of Asari boundary without knowing.
"I'll have to give that some thought. But, thanks Liara. I think you pointed me in the right direction."
"I'm happy to be of any assistance, Shepard. I… uhmm.. is there anything else?"
She risked a glance at him out of her eye, hoping maybe there was.
"No. Thank You, Liara. I should go."
"Goodbye, Shepard." She sighed as she watched the doors close behind him.
Garrus didn't want to see Shepard. His anger was still too fresh. The Commander's explanation about predicting people's reactions and controlling your responses was thought-provoking, but it failed to quench the thirst for blood. However, Shepard said "guys night" was mandatory attendance the night before they reached Virmire.
So, as instructed, Garrus had grumpily tromped his way up to the Commander's quarters to find Kaidan, Wrex, and Joker gathered with Shepard around his terminal; already cracking into bottles of beer.
"Garrus!" everyone cheered him upon arrival and all he could do was frown.
"What's going on?" Garrus asked suspiciously.
"Dirty Harry. Grab a seat - it just started. Dextro booze on the left." Shepard said simply, sliding over to make room for the Turian.
Garrus stood at the doorway awkwardly for a moment and then submitted himself to the inevitable.
"you've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?"
Garrus was riveted. "What's that?" he whispered to Shepard
"His badge. It's like your C-Sec ID."
"And, he just threw it away?!"
"Shhhh!"
By the end of the vid, Garrus found himself relaxed; his anger vanquished like so many "punks." They stayed in Shepard's quarters long after the vid had finished, laughing and discussing the finer points of Inspector Callahan's badassery. Shepard shared his modified Razer for all to see and it was universally agreed that the mods really did make the weapon look like the legendary .44 magnum, which made Kaidan beam with pride.
Later, Kaidan enthusiastically argued for a modern remake of the vid with a biotic Inspector Callahan and eventually enlisted Garrus' support for the idea; on the condition he was a C-Sec Inspector with a Turian partner. Wrex calmly informed them that they were all wrong since the only true way the character could be recreated accurately in modern times was as a Krogan on Tuchanka. Shepard, carefully, refused to take sides, and Joker's snarky humor kept them laughing late into the night. As the evening wound down, the others left one-by-one and Garrus lingered.
"I'm glad you liked the vid, Garrus." Shepard offered as they cleaned up the empty bottles around his terminal.
"I did...and thank you for inviting me."
"Of course, wouldn't be a 'guys night' without you."
"I thought it was interesting…Callahan always gave them a chance to surrender. In the end, it was the criminal's choice."
Shepard smiled. "I thought you'd like that."
"I did. It… made a lot of things clear."
"Good. Ready for tomorrow, then?"
"I'm here when you need me."
I really should have known better, Shepard thought bitterly.
He was sitting on the beach at the edge of the Salarian STG camp on Virmire, watching the waves serenely wash ashore. He'd just managed to talk Wrex down from imminent violence; and he wasn't even sure it was the right thing to do. It was just the most expedient course of action for the mission.
Hah...the mission.
Shepard tried to think about how many "Investigate and Report" missions in his career had ever really involved simply investigating and reporting. Was there ever a single one that didn't result in bloodshed and death? He ran down the mental list of his dozens of completed "I&R" missions over eleven years of military service from Akuze to this shit-storm on Virmire and he couldn't tally a single one that went smoothly.
When all this is over, I am never taking another I&R again. He knew he was lying to himself. But, it was reassuring somehow. He heard Liara's footsteps behind him, but kept his eyes on the ocean in front of him.
"Captain Kirrahe has asked for you. He's prepared a plan of attack." She said softly, staring at his back.
Guilt was eating at her. She'd told him to she wasn't ready, asked him to wait to handle their personal feelings towards each other until after the mission. She'd never really been in combat before, she was quickly learning the calculating coldness of dealing in violence, but suddenly with death staring them in the face, waiting seemed like a bad idea. All she wanted was to indulge in the feelings that has built up between them.
Shepard stood mechanically taking a last glimpse of the ocean before turning. Liara caught his hand with hers.
"Shepard, about us… I really wish th-"
"Liara, I'd like you to stay on the Normandy for this one," he interrupted.
"Oh. I… I see."
"We can talk when I get back," he gave her hand a squeeze before letting go.
"Y-Yes, Shepard."
Liara cursed herself for a coward and paused to watch the Commander walk away. With a sigh, she headed back to the Normandy.
Shepard listened to the Salarian Captain with his cool and confident Commander act covering his bitter thoughts. As kamikaze plans go, Kirrahe's wasn't a bad one. He sent Ashley with the Salarians, since despite being a royal pain in the ass, she was a good soldier. He genuinely thought she'd have the best shot at dragging the STG team out alive. And, Kaidan's tech skills would be more valuable setting up their jury-rigged atomic bomb. They were as ready as they were going to be, and yet, Kaidan was doing an awful lot of reassuring aimed at Ashley. The Gunnery Chief was looking straight at Shepard.
"Don't worry. We'll see you on the other side." The Lieutenant was saying.
"I know, I ah, it's been an honor serving with you, Commander." Shepard felt like she was apologizing as she said it. That was the most disturbing thing yet. So, he gave her assurances too.
"...we're still a team. Watch each other's backs, keep your eyes open, and fight like I know you can. We'll all come out of this in one piece."
"You bet, Commander."
Before Shepard could gather his team, the Salarian Captain launched into a speech that would've done the British Bulldog proud.
"Keep Calm and Hold the Line," Shepard muttered quietly; mimicking Churchill. He caught Ashley hiding her chuckle behind a cough.
Shepard was making his last preparations with Garrus and Wrex. Grenades. Medi-gel. Armor seals. Weapons. Everything was in order. Wrex was getting impatient and restless; the rage barely restrained in his uneasy pacing. Shepard took the Krogan by the shoulder and looked him steadily in the eyes; a feat he was only able to accomplish because of his height.
"We'll get him, Wrex. We'll make him pay for your people and my people both."
The Krogan snorted out a breath with a nod. They started to move off together when Shepard noticed Kaidan hovering.
"I'll meet you at the wall. Garrus, let the Captain know we're ready to move on his signal."
"Affirmative."
Shepard took a few steps away from prying ears and Kaidan immediately followed him.
"What is it, Kaidan?"
"Look, Commander...off the record… about Ashley…"
"Now is really not the time..." Shepard growled.
"You should have sent me!" the anger in the Lieutenant's voice was tangible.
"She can handle herself, Lieutenant. I'm not going to argue about this with you. Get your head out of your pants and focus on your job."
To Shepard's surprise, Kaidan didn't back down.
"Look, if you want to court martial me when this is over, that's fine. I got no illusions about this ending in happily ever after. Just as long as she gets out of this ok….Please, Shepard. She's important to me."
Something in the tone of the young man's voice gave Shepard pause. Involuntarily his thoughts went to Liara back on the ship. It was unfair and he knew it.
A family you build…They will give you strength
"Everyone is getting off this bloody rock - except for Saren. You read me, Lieutenant? Thanksgiving is this week and I sure as hell ain't cooking."
"Yes, sir." Kaidan blushed sheepishly.
Shepard smiled and held up his hand.
Kaidan seized Shepard's hand with a fierce grip and Shepard pulled the smaller Marine into a hug. Their armor scraped and rattled together at the gesture before they pulled away. Kaidan looked up at the Commander and matched Shepard's smile with one his own.
"What makes the grass grow, Marine?"
They said it together.
"Blood, Blood, BLOOD!"
"I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing."
There was nothing more to be said. Sometimes, the simplest things meant the most. The Lieutenant scrambled for cover against the onslaught of Geth that funneled out of the drop ship. It was convenient since it created an easy bottle-neck where his biotics could do the most damage.
Perhaps it was just the adrenaline, imminent death can jump-start your brain after all, but everything moved slower. The details around Kaidan were so much more poignant. He could feel the coolness of the water around his ankles, the rippling tingles of the mass effect fields that shred through his body, the faint smell of ozone that buzzed from his shields. In his comm unit, he could hear Shepard still trying to negotiate with Saren and pride filled his chest so much it ached.
Kaidan let loose another burst of fire at the tumble of Geth, but they were starting to push through. He heard one of his men gasp as he took a bullet, but together they held their ground. Those synthetic bastards were never going to get close enough to the bomb to disarm it.
Kaidan ducked behind the bomb to let his assault rifle cool; popping out to throw another biotic blast into the onslaught. His omni-tool displayed the countdown - four more minutes.
It was strange how even knowing he was about to die, that these were the last minutes of his life, part of his mind still wondered about the mission. Shepard's firefight with Saren was echoing over his comms, he could hear Garrus, Wrex, Ashley and even Captain Kirrahe coordinating their attacks against the single opponent.
"I hope the punk feels lucky…" Kaidan chuckled to himself, but no one nearby was alive to appreciate the joke.
He heard the Normandy swing past low to pick up the rest of the team...and Ashley. He followed it with his eyes, silently willing the ship to get her to safety faster. The diversion cost him a bullet punching through his shields and armor and into his gut. He instinctively blasted the offending Geth with his biotics, sending the synthetics scrambling before he doubled over against the nuclear bomb.
"We can't leave without Kaidan!" he could hear Ashley arguing over the comms; it sounded like she was struggling. "We have to go back for him!"
"Williams, there's no time. Get on the ship!" he could hear the Captain Kirrahe's odd voice arguing with her.
"No...NO! Not without him!" Ashley was growling. "LT, can you hear me? We're coming to get that shapely ass of yours right now!"
Kaidan hauled himself upright and leaned back against the bomb, panting heavily. With a grunt of effort, he pulled out his pistol and kept firing.
"Ash…" he mumbled hoarsely, unsure if his comms could even pick up his voice. "Please… Ash… Just go…."
Terror was running through him. Ashley was stubborn and willful at the best of times. He could only imagine the fight she was putting up on his behalf.
Could the girl be so hard-headed to get herself killed for me? Maybe she really feels something for me...
In his mind's eye, he could see her throwing punches to get free from the Salarian Captain and running down the corridors towards him. It was hard to breathe, he looked down and noticed the water pooling around him was turning red, but it was cool, comforting, and it didn't hurt anymore.
Will my blood make the grass grow?
"Kaidan…" the Commander's somber, but reassuring voice came over his comms. "We've got her. She's safe."
Kaidan felt his body relax and he looked up at the darkened sky to watch the Normandy fly to safety. With the cloud cover, the sky looked a lot like an ocean he remembered from Earth. He'd loved watching the ocean from his parent's deck in Vancouver. It was a beautiful view.
As he watched, the colors began to shift - colors beyond words, swimming like the curling edges of comets. He could see a vast sea of shifting planets, systems, and galaxies spinning together through the currents of those colors.
"Th-thank you, Shepard." He gasped and let his heavy eyes close. It felt like he was floating.
"See you on the other side, Kaidan."
Shepard watched through the Normandy's windows as the flash of the nuclear bomb illuminated Virmire. He felt the empty numbness that had nearly paralysed him so many years before. He embraced it, wrapped it around himself like a blanket, and let it creep over the thoughts that he didn't want to hear right now.
"Debrief in an hour"
"I'll let the team know, Commander." Joker confirmed in a hushed tone.
Garrus took charge of settling in the Salarian team. Wrex went immediately to sleep and Tali led Ashley to the med-bay where Dr. Chakwas took charge of her care. The Doctor immediately sedated her, even though she only suffered minor cuts and bruises. At the back of the med-bay, Liara waited anxiously for Shepard to come speak with her. But, he never came.
After the debrief and council report, Shepard kept himself busy in mindless routine. He showered, he ate, he cleaned and polished his armor, disassembled and oiled his weapons, cleaned his quarters, read his reports, and even checked on the Salarians they'd managed to save. He did everything he could to keep himself moving. That worked until he had no other option but to face the last task he was trying to avoid.
Shepard settled himself in his cabin with the strongest bottle of alcohol he could find. He'd polished off about a quarter of it when Garrus appeared at his door, holding two bottles and two glasses. When he entered and saw Shepard sitting at his terminal with his own bottle, Garrus let out a dark remorseful chuckle.
"Great minds think alike."
Shepard didn't look at the Turian, he was staring at an outgoing message screen on his terminal. The message was addressed to the Alliance Command, the subject was "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko - KIA." The cursor blinked following "It is with the deepest regret..."
"Why are you here, Garrus?"
Shepard hadn't meant for the question to be as harsh as it ended up sounding.
"They say if you drink alone…you have a problem."
Shepard looked up at the Turian, noting the bottles in his hands, then nodded to an empty seat.
Garrus sat down and set out the glasses, pouring a glass for each of them out of their respective bottles. They sat together, drinking in sullen silence for a long while. Eventually, Shepard's voice broke the silence in a soft, even tone.
"How does the Turian military inform next of kin?"
Garrus swallowed the rest of his glass in one long pull, mandibles pulled tight in a grimace against his jaw. The Turian inhaled sharply at the sting of the drink, his voice was rough and low.
"There's a specific messaging system. Bypasses all other protocols immediately to the family. Plays a recorded message from the Primarch, thanking them for their sacrifice."
Shepard nodded and looked down at the glass in his hands.
"How will Alenko's family be notified?" Garrus asked in a hushed tone.
"There's a specific branch of soldiers - Casualty Assistance Command Officers. A pair of them will arrive at their home or workplace in full dress uniform. They will ask for an opportunity to speak privately with his family and then inform them of his death. They are specifically trained for it, stress response, psychological therapies and all. After, they stay with the family until someone is called to comfort them in their time of need. An officer will be on call to assist until after the funeral."
"Oh." Garrus said lamely. "That's much more…" he failed to find the right word.
"Compassionate?" offered Shepard, with a dark and humorless chuckle.
"Human," Garrus said, with a frown. "It seems. . . vulgar, somehow, to have strangers intrude on a private time of grief." He tossed his drink back in one gulp and slammed the glass down onto the table.
"So you just leave the grieving widow alone with a fucking recording? That's it?" Shepard grimaced and leaned over to refill Garrus' glass. "That's cold."
"False comfort is worse," Garrus retorted. "If your 'Casualty Assistance Officers' were there when the fallen soldier died and could bear witness to the sacrifice - then they would be worthy. Better to hear it later from someone who was there. . . to know the truth. To be told, not only of how your loved one died, but how his comrades avenged his loss and commended his spirit to the regiment."
"So, Human soldiers comfort widows..." Shepard said, bitterly. "...And, Turian soldiers avenge the fallen."
Garrus raised his glass in silent salute. "Between you, the Human, and me, the Turian, we'll do both. For Lieutenant Alenko."
"Amen to that," Shepard said grimly. He finished his drink in one quick swallow and turned back to his screen. Garrus sat with him, pouring their drinks in silent companionship, as the Commander finalized his reports and a single message.
Admiral Hackett -
It is with the deepest regret I write to inform you and Alliance Command of the death of Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, Tactics Specialist of the 5th Fleet; 27th Division Alliance Marine Corps. who was killed in action on Virmire in the Hoc System of the Sentry Omega Cluster on November 23rd, 2183.
Details of his death and heroic action are specified in the attached reports and will be confirmed by Captain Kirrahe and Commander Rentola of the Salarian Special Tasks Group 3rd Infiltration Regiment. As described, Lieutenant Alenko served with honor, distinction, and courage. His actions demonstrated conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the cost of his own life. He performed courageously above and beyond the call of duty in combat action against an overwhelming armed force.
For these reasons, I formally nominate Lieutenant Alenko for the Alliance Medal of Honor, posthumously.
Sincerely yours,
Commander John Shepard
N-7 Alliance Command, SSV Normandy
Citadel Council Special Tactics and Reconnaissance
After Shepard finished, turned off his terminal and sat back in his chair staring stoically forward.
"You wanna hit the bag for a bit?" Garrus offered
"Yeah, we can pretend it's Saren."
