~Silver~
"We can turn back if you want." Gold suggested, forehead hot and sweaty under my hands while I tried to put on a liquid bandage without getting sick from being squeamish. It was bad enough Gold was perfectly ok with it when I wasn't, but the smell of the foul stuff wasn't helping. My empty stomach snarled in pain, but did not long for food.
"Hold still." I dabbed a wet cotton ball with alcohol on it at his gash. I didn't feel bad that I practically an him into the stone that cut his brow open above his left eye open, but I didn't like the fact that it was there at all. We were lucky that was all that happened.
Well… almost all.
When I took the time to shove Gold back through the skinny entrance to the outside world, the fire bird, Moltres, had scorched the backs of my neck and burned the tips of my hair. I was pretty mad about that, but at least it wasn't a gash in my head.
Something kept nagging at my mind, since that moment earlier when the wind and snow was so bad. As a reflex reaction I had grabbed Gold by the hand and locked my fingers with his to pull him along with me. More than anything in that moment, I had to know, subconsciously, that he was safe. I had to make him safe, and I hated myself for it.
I couldn't feel this way about Gold. I couldn't… I WOULDN'T be his friend. It wasn't possible, not after what happened today. There was no way that I could keep this up, so when Gold mention things like turning back… it was one of the most tempting things I had ever heard.
But was that really what I wanted? Did I want to turn back and go home?
Home… what home?
I may have pressed a little too gently on Gold's eyebrow, a little too tenderly, but thinking about having nowhere to go but wherever... which was still nowhere… I couldn't stand it. Sure I was loaded with enough money from my father's organization so long ago (he always stashed money in an account for me despite never caring about anything else), and not to mention all the money I had won from being a top of the notch trainer. I could buy a house if I wanted to, I could probably by a pent house with three floors and a view overlooking the ocean if I wanted! But that's not what I wanted…
I didn't know what I wanted, I just knew that I didn't want to live alone and waste my life away. That and I didn't want to care about Gold or if he got eaten by a giant bird or not.
"What are you thinking about?" Gold asked suddenly, staring at my distracted eyes as I swathed the liquid bandage over his brow.
"What?" I looked at him and blinked, misunderstanding his question. He couldn't possibly know that I was thinking about having feelings for him as more than just a rival. And yet the look on his face… the emotion in his honey eyes showed no mercy.
"I was just curious." He looked away, maybe a little hurt at my tone. "Was it about that bird?"
"Oh… n—not really." I pulled my hands back and sat down, trying not to meet his gaze.
"Oh." He brought his knees up to his chest and leaned his head back against his Typhlosion, looking up at the rock overhang we had decided to settle under for the night. It was much colder than the small caves, but after today neither of us was very enthusiastic about going back in one of them.
"I was just thinking… if we got through that… how much worse do you think it could get?" a sudden hope grew on his face. It was small but prudent. "I don't think we can turn back now… right?"
"I never said I wanted to turn back." I scowled slightly, remembering the times before when she showed that kind of slight hope around me. Every other battle, every time I would catch him on the phone with his mother when he was just a new trainer, every encouraging moment of his journeys. He had this way of putting hope where hope didn't belong and I didn't exactly like it about him.
Gold managed to smile, but it looked a little pained, probably because of his cut.
Oh god, why did he have to do that to me? Show those perfectly aligned teeth and young eyes with glittering affects. I didn't want to move, but I figured sitting next to him would be easier that in front of him. That way I would have to look him in the eyes.
Typhlosion was warm and used to my lying on him by now, so I embraced it rather than flinched away. The pokemon always seemed to scare me a little, but now I realized just how soft tempered he really was. A fighter when it had to be, but obviously it didn't want to be. Unlike Feraligatr that was always looking for a battle. The pokemon rumbled gently and I felt a wave of warmth draw up my back as his back bubbled with steam. Plenty warm enough for those nights in the caves, but not so much out here.
I was still shaking after a moment of settling. Gold looked comfortable in his thick leather jacket and fluffy under hood, though I found it hard to believe that it wasn't the cold making his face flush. His face was always flushed lately.
"Silver… what do you think people are thinking right now?" Gold asked suddenly, breaking the silence that wasn't awkward for once.
"Your friends you mean? Your family?"
"No—well…" he bit his lower lip; probably remembering that I didn't have a family or friends. In his mind I had no one… no—in my mind I had no one too.
"I bet your mother is thinking you're dead." I commented to distract him. "And your friends… that girl Lyra? She is probably wondering why you haven't come over yet."
He shook his head. "I wish I could call them and tell them I'm ok."
I didn't answer. Gold didn't know what it was like to have no one to call at all. No one to care if you are ok or not. He was well loved, and I wasn't jealous of the fact… just... flustered. Flustered because I didn't understand. That was a world in which mine never touched.
Gold must have taken my silence as misunderstanding. He thought I was jealous of the fact, and he realized it harshly, judging by his next reaction.
"Silver… I—I know you don't really have those kinds of people in your life… but… I—I guess I would be worried about you… if I wasn't here."
It had meant to sound like affection… but for some reason it sent stabs of pain through my chest and I glared at my hands on my knees, gripping the dirty fabric of my jeans while my heart started to beat faster. He guessed? He just… guessed that he would be worried?
Why did that hurt? Having no friends was better than having one that sort of cared. Even if that wasn't what Gold had meant… that's how it felt. Hurt washed over me in the same kind of fashion that it had so long ago when my father walked out on me because of his failures.
Gold didn't respond for a long moment, thinking intently on something. His eyes were fixed on the ground in front of us (I thought) and his hand twitched once or twice. Fingers moving back and forth awkwardly. What was he thinking? He couldn't possible realize that his comment hurt me more than it did good.
And then shockingly enough, his hand came forward, drifting towards me while I pinned my eyes to the ground and refused to look at him. My face turned absolutely hot and sweaty and the palms of my hands balmy. That was the first thought I had when Gold tried to grab my hand. My hands being sweaty and that being gross…
Then of course my reality came back to me, and as he tried to entwine his fingers with mine I yanked away. Eyes spitting venom I glared at him, lip curled up in distaste at his sorry ass face. How dare he try to hold my hand! My throat grew dry with distaste and my stomach cold. I felt more nauseous now than before, and my hand was tingling like crazy.
Gold just looked at me, with wide honey eyes, glistening like the youth that he was three years ago. Childish eyes on a young man's face. He swallowed hard and opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off right then and there, getting up and storming across the rocks overhang towards the back of the small inlet. It was pitch black over there, and I didn't want Gold to see my face, so it worked.
Chills rolled up my spine as I left the warmth of Typhlosion, and got worse when I settled alone in the dark. I didn't need Gold, and he didn't need me. HE had no right to try and hold my hand. Earlier was a onetime thing, it was an accident! A reflex reaction!
I knew I was only trying to convince myself though…
I pulled at my belt with my pokeballs around it and one by one called them out (except for Feraligatr who would just fight with Typhlosion). Sneasel came quietly, happy to share the tiny fraction of warmth her icy body could give. Alakazam was heavy and thick, which would be the most helpful throughout the night. Crobat landed on my shoulder and crooned softly for attention. She was most comfortable being in such a dark, dank place, but most nervous about Gold a little ways off. My other pokemon just hovered.
"I'm sorry." Gold's voice made my flinch. He sounded pained.
I didn't answer.
"You'll get sick."
I bit my tongue.
"Silver, come on… I'm sorry… I—I won't do it again…" now he really sounded upset.
It wasn't the fact that he was trying to hold my hand really… it was the fact that I wanted to let him. I was mad at myself for putting that imagine in his head earlier. I wasn't gay… I wasn't anything of the sort, even if I never liked girls either. I never liked anyone…
But I certainly wasn't gay, and even if I was I wouldn't like Gold or his perfection. He was everything I wasn't, our worlds didn't touch. So I stayed put on the ground with my own pokemon, trying to squeeze them in closer to me to share the warmth. It wasn't working very well though. They didn't often get along with each other, so zaps from Magneton started up, and that made Crobat screech, which made Sneasel slash at him, which made me grind my teeth in rage.
One by one I called them back into their balls, leaving just Alakazam to sit by me. He wasn't much help, and I could tell it was awkward for him. He kept looking across at Gold and Typhlosion, who were so comfortable with each other it was sick. The day me and my pokemon had that kind of bond would be the day grumpig flew.
Finally I gave in and called my pokemon back. Secluding to the darkness by myself I grasped my backpack and pulled out the smallest, heaviest blanket we had brought.
"Silver…" Gold's voice came again. "You take Ty…I can sleep by Mamoswine."
I heard the short and soft steps before I saw the giant flash of white from a pokeball. Did Gold really think I was so fragile?
An orange glow approached me, revealing Typhlosion as he walked over with sympathetic eyes, ignoring the large pokemon groaning to life and the instant smell swathed around the rocks. Such a gross pokemon, I snorted, thinking that I didn't want Gold to stink like such a thing.
"Alright fine." I spat as Typhlosion tried to settling himself as close to me as possible. "Gold."
"Yeah?"
"Call that thing back."
Mamoswine grunted in a way that sounded like "oh hell nah" and I pictured it trampling me in my sleep. Hell, maybe that would do me some good.
Gold called it back, but didn't say anything. He didn't walk over to me either. I could barely make out the faint trace of his shoulders, lit by an eerie moon hidden beyond snow clouds.
"It's fine." I choked out.
And his feet started to move, and at the sound I almost changed my mind again. He would try and be sympathetic… or be my friend… or show me affection… or hold my hand…
Such horrible things right?
What was wrong with me? I shook my head and kept my mouth closed as he crouched on the other side of his pokemon and ducked down into the crook of its shoulder. Typhlosion moaned in distress and shifted, pulling back and walking a pace away before turning and shoving Gold with his massive head, only to push him up against me.
"The fu—
Typhlosion blew a hot puff of smoke at me and snorted a warning to take it or leave it. Gold dislodged himself from my side slightly.
"Sorry. Ty!"
The pokemon snorted at him too, and then flopped down beside us, making sure that we were both on the same side, together, with no honest way to move away from each other without climbing over the creature, and he would just stop us if we tried anyways.
Gold covered his face in his hands and slumped forward in frustration.
I wasn't sure what to think, so I just turned away and put my back to Gold, thinking that Typhlosion must be a mental mute to think that the two of us should be sleeping next to each other. I could feel Gold turning away from me as well, shame lingering in his sigh.
"Thanks a lot Ty." He hissed under his breath.
That was a little harsh… even though I knew he wasn't mad at the pokemon. He was mad at himself… I bit my lip, thinking that all we were lately was angry at ourselves. And for what?
We weren't hurting anyone… we weren't doing bad things…
"I'm sorry, Silver." Gold added one more time. "Goodnight."
I couldn't explain why… but all I knew was that this was getting to be too much. Especially since I wanted Gold to say goodnight to me… and then hated the fact that he did. It was like I feared my own happiness. That was so twisted… so wrong to be afraid of good things…
I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the way Gold made me feel when he did things like that. Why was my heart shaking like my hands? Why was it so hard NOT to be comfortable while lying next to him? Why did this all have to happen to me anyways?
With a heavy sigh I forced my eyes shut and curled up into a ball on my side, halfway on top of Typhlosion. His warmth was like a sleeping pill for me, and like a sleeping pill I knew I could overdose on it.
By morning I would be sweaty and feverish, but that didn't matter.
All that mattered was here and now and the things that were on my mind. The things that I wanted so desperately to wash away with sleep.
Gold shuffled beside me, his back pushing further away from mine.
Don't think about it… don't think about it, I assured myself. But who was I kidding?
I would never get to sleep like this.
