Chapter 11: Leaving Earth


"I might be part synthetic, but I'm not a damned machine, Kaidan." - John Shepard

In which Shepard snaps.


The way everything exploded around them reminded Shepard about the SR-1's incineration.

Death was all around them, shuttles exploding from the heat of the reapers' beams, the air polluted by smoke and burnt concrete with a penetrating smell. So much death and destruction. He had warned them and yet they dismissed his every claim like a case without evidence. They had seen Sovereign firsthand, and still, they didn't believe him. He was so damn tired of not being believed. Tired of trying. But someone had to.

With the reduced strength he had left, he pried a shut door apart, feeling the now tepid steel linger between his fingertips.

He noticed he wasn't as efficient as he used to. The force of a reaper's beam had sent him flying into a metal bench, giving him an impounding headache. Splinters had braced his skin and left small cuts on his body. The damages weren't bad so he would definitely live. Considering the fact that he was spaced, died and then just came back again - more pissed than ever - he had faith in surviving a few scrapes and burns.

Shepard grunted when he finally got it open. "In here..."

Anderson moved through as he held it open for him, and he was about to follow, until a small sound by an air duct caught his ear. He was surprised to find the same kid he had seen that very same day, playing with a model ship on the grass, no worries fazing him - now reduced to a small and scared lost soul, trying to make himself invisible.

Letting go of the door, he was careful not to be between the gaps when it shut behind him.

"Hey." He kept his voice low not to intimidate him as he approached. Shepard crouched down before the air duct to be at his level, propping an arm to the top. Wide-eyed, the kid gazed out. Shepard wanted to tell him not to look. "It's okay."

"Everyone is dying..." the kid muttered, his voice trembling.

It was a brittle squeak. Small and vulnerable. No kid should experience something like this. Shepard opened his mouth to offer help, but an explosion in the distance beat him too it, catching his attention. With a small gasp, the kid moved further into the duct.

Reaching out, Shepard said, "Come on. You've got to get out of here." It came out harsher than intended, but the kid glanced at his hand anyways. "Take my hand."

"You can't help me."

Not understanding what he meant, Shepard took his hand back, about to ask.

"Shepard!" he heard Anderson call, over by the door. "In here."

Shepard heard a faint sound, off in the distance, comparable to the Eden Prime colonists' description of Sovereign's transmitting signal. Taking after his head, he groaned, his ears having begun to ring. The sound disappeared again. When he turned back, his eyes went wide to see no signs of the kid he had literally just spoken to. If he didn't know better, he could've sworn he was seeing visions.

Gently pushing his body up to search the area, he felt like he was hallucinating, his hand balling into a fist as if to wake himself up.

He eventually flagged it off and hurried after Anderson.

Pushing forward, they had to clear the platform for it to be safe for the Normandy to land. The creatures that the reapers had brought with them closely resembled indoctrinated species. Some of them looked like mutated batarians that neither of them had seen the likes of before. They finally got in contact with the ship, and Shepard had to admit that it was good to hear Kaidan's voice again, knowing he was all right. After emptying his clip on one of the waves, the Normandy was seen in orbit.

When she touched down, the cargo door opened to reveal Kaidan and Vega stepping out with their assault rifles.

Shepard held a firm grip around his own, took speed and leapt onto the Normandy to have Kaidan reach out to catch him. A shiver went down the length of his spine when his hand encountered his bicep with a touch of reassurance as he was pulled in. Tilting his head up, their eyes collided, whisky-brown and warm looking straight at him. Swallowing hard, he realized that taking a single step forward would result in merely inches between them if he hadn't reacted as quickly as he did. He was just too suffocatingly close.

"Welcome aboard, Shepard," Kaidan said.

Clearing his throat, Shepard broke the eye contact and turned to gaze out at Earth beneath him. He took in all the destruction as he aimed through his scope, centered at the creatures moving towards them.

He glanced at Kaidan from the corner of his eye. "Thanks."

Kaidan gave him a nod and a soft smile that was close to melt him on the spot before his attention drifted to Earth as well. He proceeded to gun down an indoctrinated batarian. Vega began moving towards the cargo hold as it was now cleared and didn't hear the rest of their conversation. Anderson had however stopped at the ramp.

"Come on!" Shepard called.

An Alliance cruiser with two marines standing in the open descended towards the ground, engaging the hostiles, evacuating civilians that helplessly tried to escape. Anderson's eyes focused on the exchange before stopping at Shepard.

"I'm not going."

"Like hell you aren't!" Shepard spat, scowling. If you're staying, I'm staying. We're in this fight together, Anderson!"

"It a fight that we can't win. Not without help," he replied, frowning. "You know that as well as I do, Shepard. Stop thinking irrationally. You need to look at the big picture. Talk to the Council. Convince them to help us."

Defeated, he asked, "What if they won't listen?"

"Then make them listen! Now go. That's an order!"

"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?"

"Consider yourself reinstated." Anderson reached for his back pocket and fished up something tangible before throwing it Shepard's way "...Commander." Blue eyes traversed the dog tags he had caught with one hand. "You know what you have to do."

He knew he was right, but hell, that didn't make it any easier.

"Admiral, with all due respect -" he persisted, but the look Anderson gave him told him that there was no use arguing. Shepard cursed under his breath. "Dammit. I'll be back for you - and I'll bring every fleet I can." It was a promise he intended to keep. He began to move inwards the ship, giving Anderson one final glance over his shoulder. "Good luck."

Anderson returned a proud smile. "You too, Shepard."

The Normandy made a sound to make them aware she was ready for takeoff. Shepard briefly looked at Kaidan, and he could tell he was just as reluctant to leaving Anderson on Earth judging by his somewhat pained expression. Kaidan turned his head before he could look away, and he was once again presented with the honey-brown hue. Unable to contain himself, Shepard held that glance for a long time. The way Kaidan's expression softened as he made no attempt to break the connection had his head to cartwheels.

It wasn't until he felt the ship move beneath his feet that he managed to tear his eyes away.

Taking his place beside him, he cast one final glance Anderson's way to see him offering a reassuring salute for good fortune. Shepard followed him a few feet with his eyes as he had begun to move towards their base.

He felt a hand gently squeeze his shoulder, knowing it was Kaidan, and gave him a nod to say that he was fine. The hand retracted, and Kaidan followed the same trail that Vega had taken to the cargo hold. Shepard stood alone on the ramp, looking out. One of the intact frigates used to evacuate surviving civilians caught his attention. The expression on his face faltered when he saw the kid. He felt a small smile quirk the corner of his lips, but it quickly faltered, as another relentless reaper shriek had his headache conjured up again. He saw the kid cover his eyes, blocking out the loud noise. Shepard waited in anticipation when the boy began to crawl into the frigate.

No one were helping him.

Not a damn soul.

The hell was wrong with these guys?

He caught the kid's eye when he looked up at him, finally having made it into the frigate, before the door shut after him. Another vechicle was loaded with civilians before it began to ascend into the sky.

The reaper was charging another laser beam.

In a brief moment of hope, it looked like they were going to make it. That was until the beam cut through one of them like a knife and moved towards the other. The one carrying the kid. Shepard moved an arm to cover his eyes not to get blinded by the explosion's bright light. Lowering his hand, he only saw the concrete evaporate, pieces thrown meter by meter. He held the glance until he couldn't hold it anymore. The blood boiled inside of him. Shepard concentrated back on Earth as he locked his jaw tight.

He eventually dragged his feet inwards and the platform shut behind him. Four reapers was seen in London only as gunships tried to shoot them down. His mind was clear with intent that the reapers were going to pay for Earth's destruction.


"What the hell is going on?" Vega asked, quick on his heel as he crossed the floorboards. "Where's Anderson? Where are we going?" Shepard gave him no reply. "Hey!"

"We're leaving."

"Leaving?" he repeated, in disbelief.

Shepard quickly explained that Anderson had ordered them to get to the Citadel, get help for the fight, because Vega wouldn't back down. The lieutenant wasn't stupid. The kid knew that without help, this war was already over - but he was a fighter, a damn stubborn one. Shepard was convinced that he was against leaving Earth in this state and his suspicion was quickly confirmed.

"Then you can drop me off at the nearest depot, 'cause I'm not leaving -" Vega insisted, but stopped when Shepard took a step forward, skidding him into an abrupt halt.

"Stow it, Lieutenant!" he snapped. "You don't want to go - we get it - but this isn't a democracy!"

Vega went quiet then, seeming somewhat taken aback as he stared at him wide-eyed. Shepard was known for his calm approach and demeanor. Nevertheless, that was no longer so. He was determined to win this war, no matter the cost, and if he didn't like it then too bad. Shepard was the one in charge and he had the guts to prove it. He had been too soft and naïve before. It had only taken Kaidan's rejection in joining him in his fight against the collectors to change that.

Shepard moved further into the cargo hold. "We're going to the Citadel... you want out, you can catch a ride back from there."

Vega waved it off.

Admiral Hackett contacted them over terminal with orders to head for an Alliance outpost on Mars. It was a priority and the Council would have to wait. If they didn't get to Mars as soon as possible, they would lose control of the system. Hackett mentioned Liara, but the link was too damaged to understand what he was saying. He could make out something about a way to stop the reapers.

"Joker. Set a course for the Mars Archives," Shepard ordered, looking up at the speakers.

Shepard hunched over a table and eyed one of the pads. His intention was sending a message to Liara to get an idea of what they would run into down on Mars, but his thought-process was interrupted.

"Shepard. We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, major. Stay focused -" he said, but froze when Kaidan splayed a hand at the table before him, forcing him to meet his eyes. They were no longer warm.

"Don't flag me off." His reply sounded like a warning.

His stare was unwavering as he held Kaidan's eyes with his own. He wasn't backing down, either, and he was seriously starting to piss him off. First he called him out for being a traitor to the Alliance, walked away after he refused to listen, and now he had the nerve to demand Shepard to hear him out? He was a real piece of work, all right.

"Are you threatening me, major?"

Kaidan didn't waver. "If we're going to do this mission together, I need to know if I can trust you. I don't want us to worry about stray bullets."

Casting his pupils aside, Shepard caught Vega watching them carefully while loading a clip. By the way his eyes had widened, he could only be thinking one thing. Shiiit... That's cold. Shepard found himself clenching his jaw as he felt his breathing turn heavier, fighting the urge to give Kaidan a piece of his mind. He had lost his patience.

With knitted fists, he pushed from the table in a harsh movement.

"Don't put this on me."

"You had Joker, Tali, Garrus... hell, even Chakwas!" Kaidan shouted, being uncharacteristic to him. "I -it doesn't matter. You made it through the Omega 4 Relay without me, and hell, I already apologized for not knowing about the damn suicide mission!"

Shepard's heavy heel took a determined step forward that only left inches between them.

"You were there when all this hell started, Alenko!" he snapped, expression feral. "You and Ash were the ones that always kept me in check. Like it or not, but I need the reassurance that at least one of you is still breathing!"

He could tell Kaidan's heart tried to escape through his throat at his addition.

"I might be part synthetic, but I'm not a damn machine, Kaidan," he added through clenched teeth. "It's about time you realized that."

He knew his voice was low, hurt, fragile. So not 'Shepard.' Kaidan looked like he wanted to apologize, but no sound came out when he opened his mouth. Shepard turned away before he had the chance to inquire and began to move towards the CIC. He saw Kaidan reach after him, but he was already out of range, feeling whiskey-brown upon him when he left. Shepard heard Vega let out a single whistle to break the awkward silence before he stepped into the elevator.


They were ready to head out when the Normandy approached the LZ.

Standing in the shuttle, the headache brewing up in Kaidan's skull was relentless. He was loading a new clip into the assault rifle and fumbled while getting the bullets together, nearly dropped it while internally cursing. His brain and hands simply didn't want to cooperate. He tried the same with the pistol until the headache worsened and instead chose to take after the bridge of his nose. He could soon feel a soft, warm but reassuring pressure at his wrist even through his thick, blue-plated armor. It was followed by a slight bump in his shoulder. He glanced over whilst his hand dropped.

"What?!" he snapped.

When he saw whom it was, his throat went dry. He couldn't tell if it was because of the fact that Shepard was standing so close to him - no intention of backing away where he stood - or the headache, which made it seem like his cheeks had caught fire. At least he now knew why he acted like a bumbling, flustered idiot around Shepard. It was obvious now. It became obvious after Sovereign's defeat.

Shepard didn't seem repulsed by his unprofessional reaction. He simply cupped Kaidan's hand in his that was clutching the gun for dear life and gently took it away from him.

"Try this," he said, casually flipping the magazine the correct way.

After the gun was loaded, he handed it over again. Kaidan could swear that a small smile struggled not to reveal itself at the corners of Shepard's lips when his eyes wandered down to his CO's mouth. He did it automatically as if expecting a reaction.

When he traced his face back up, he noticed how tired he looked, weak circles around his eyes beginning to form.

Kaidan exhaled. "Sorry, Shepard."

Shepard slowly nodded as his gaze fleeted, while Kaidan shut his eyes in hope the pain would mend. He knew his body language was being carefully studied, but when he felt a gloved hand nearly caress his cheek, he moved his attention back to see Shepard wearing the same expressionless look he knew all too well. Stoic and guarded. Closed.

"C'mon," Shepard said. "At least let me do this."

It seemed like Shepard had already forgiven him after their spat in the cargo bay, so now it was his turn, but it wasn't that clear-cut. At the same time, he couldn't bring himself to say 'no.' Whoever this man was, he wore the face of Commander John Shepard, First Human Spectre. The very man that destroyed the collectors, saved the Citadel and the entire galaxy. The very man that put every single life before his own. The very man that he no longer could stop thinking about. He wasn't about to protest to the statement.

It was true. Kaidan didn't trust him. He had no idea if he ever could again.

...and it was killing him.

"This would be a lot easier if you looked at me, major. Worried I'll might shoot laser beams out of my eyes or something?"

Kaidan couldn't help but snort. "You know, if you've spent the last months at BAaT, I wouldn't be surprised," he replied, turning to face him as a thumb gingerly moved against his temple. "After all, you either come out Superman, or a wreck."

The subtle smile was back. Hell... it was Shepard's smile.

"Superman, huh? I'll take it."

Kaidan focused his eyes somewhere else before the temptation to ignore the Cerberus part proved too strong to resist. He could still feel himself drawn to Shepard. To be honest, he felt more drawn to Shepard than ever. It was obvious that he emitted heat - so unless he had a radiator installed in there - he wasn't entirely synthetic.

This bond between them had made him realize that what he felt for him went beyond friendship. He had no idea how Shepard interpreted their chemistry. Had no idea if he ever considered an 'us.' Kaidan had unconsciously added to the distance between them because of it.

The headache was gone.

He could feel the heat between them falter when Shepard pulled away. In one way, he wanted to pull him back, embrace him, do something at least. On the other hand, he knew that it would never be the same between them again.

When the cargo door opened, Shepard snatched his assault rifle with determination and headed out.

"Were you and Loco, uh... You know?" The only reply Vega received was a mixed expression of pure confusion and exasperation. He took the hint. "Yeah, just... never mind."

They followed Shepard to the port leading inside one of the buildings and moved in after they had taken care of a few Cerberus soldiers. Shepard didn't seem to have any problems with pulling a trigger on them, and honestly, he didn't know whether to be relieved or worried. He seemed quick to betray his own as he had been with Cerberus in the past. Kaidan needed sign of familiarity. Something. As far as he could tell, Shepard was still the same since after Cerberus modified him, but battle-hardened.

It was, in a way, unnerving.

When someone like Cerberus have had the chance to modify someone to the core, having held Shepard at an operating table for 2 years, there was little reason for him to trust his reinstated CO. He had trusted Shepard with his life once - who was almost half synthetic now - before Cerberus got their hands on him. What was even more difficult to process is that if it wasn't for Cerberus, Shepard would be dead.

What was worse - losing a friend for good, or never being able to trust him again, after everything they had been through together?

He needed closure.