Dear Miku:

WOW A LOT HAPPENED AS ALWAYS BUT I FIRST HAVE SOMETHING THAT CONCERNS YOU-

I saw you. While I was... not present. I think I was dreaming, well, obviously I was dreaming, but still. I knew it was you. The way you looked at me, it was like you knew who I was.

You were kind of me but not actually like me. Hair to your feet, in twintails and a weird outfit like my costume. I wish I could have talked to you, since you already know so much about me.

You just smiled, and circled me with skipping-kind of steps. We were someplace far away, with bright grass and a endless sky. I tried to talk to you, but I didn't have a voice.

Well, I guess it didn't matter because everything else happened after I woke up. I was dizzy and Meiko was pulling my hair. Suddenly, the truck jolted to a stop and everyone else came running- I didn't know they'd be so worried!

I messed up again, apparently. I can't be too upset, because Akaito starting blabbering on about all these really really nice things- which confused me, until I read that last entry, Miku. ( )

I don't know what to say- it was - well, you were there, Miku. I'm no good at explaining things. We've gone too far, and now I'm even more sure I'll never get to see Luki or Neru or my parents or Luka or anyone again.

What could I say? They'd never see Akaito as he really is- all they'd see is the age difference and the running away to join a traveling-yet-going-nowhere makeshift band. I couldn't even look them in the eyes, could I?

I never thought this through... I love Akaito, but now I've wrecked everything for him. I'm almost too nervous to be near him, thinking about how worried everyone must be back home-

But why? I wasn't interesting in the slightest; I never gave any advice, contributed to society or whatever good people are supposed to do. I didn't get the highest grades or do sports or write or draw or play an instrument.

I was nobody. That's probably why no one noticed when I first left- did they even register the fact that I was gone? Now that they have- ahhhh, I'm so lost in all of this. I'm still a little sick from before, too.

I'm phsyically unwell, I mean, but no just that. I'm constantly dizzy, in the worst way. Not to mention I feel different in the way I think- ah, I can't explain. I'm afraid something's mentally wrong... but they say a crazy person doesn't know it.

Does suspecting a problem mean I'm OK. Miku, if you want to visit my dreams again I'd love to hear your opinion.

The Haganes are giving mixed signals- they keep crowding me and keeping a close eye, but keep giving their own opinions on how I should kill myself. (Apparently, they pitied me extremely when I tried to explain about Luka)

A list is needed, in my best interpretation of their words:

Meiko: "FIRE. When I'm dead somehow or other, it BETTER involve flames and explosions. It would be the coolest if there was this amazing serial killer, preferably some ninja guy, who held me down and tied fireworks around my thoat! Lots of them!"

"Definitely, I mean you can't go home, and I don't want you to die near me because I'd be too too sad and cry forever probably, but if you have to kill yourself-use fire."

(..that sounds like it would hurt.)

Kaito: "Ugh, I can't imagine myself dying. Ever. Well, the apocalypse is probably just around the corner, so I shouldn't be waiting long. You won't have to fret about your pathetic situation; we're all screwed.

"Just stay with us and don't waste mouthwash- hey, isn't it only a few years until the Mayan prediction kills us or whatchacallit?"

(Isn't that twelve-twelve-twelve? I think they'd find me before then.)

Rin: "It was mean to do that! You're too nice to die! Len and I are different, we're going to drown when we get too old to do fun things anymore. Together, just like those classics and stuff. Hands held, in the ocean. It'll be nice, right?"

"Mikuooo~ stay with us. I never had a family, so I don't know what to do about yours, but can't you pretend we're related? I can be your daughter! Oh, I'm too old?"

(Um, I don't think I could have fathered you when I was a baby. Sorry, Rin... Hey, she doesn't have a family? Maybe Rin and Len don't even know if they're twins.)

Len: "Akaito was really messed up- if you care about someone, it's a rule- you can't just leave them behind. That makes you a mean-loser-bad-person so don't do it again. Rin and I will never be apart.

"Ha, I'm not telling you what to do. Just talking about nothing. Go away. Yeah, I started talking to you, but now I'm going to play with Rin some more, so stop staring."

(I don't mean to be a bad person! I don't want to cause any trouble.)

Gakupo: "Fluoride overdose is an unpleasant and unreliable death. You ought to join the Church of Euthanasia- just dabble in cannibalism and they'll be ecstatic about your membership."

"Whenever you have the chance, look them up and they'll refer you to a suicide expert. However, I was just beginning to enjoy your company, so I'd rather you stay."

(This is the most Gakupo has ever said at once.)

Miku: "It isn't worth it unless you suffer, so ignore Gack. All of those who take their anger out on themselves- it's flattering their misery. Angst is the color of blood, kid. You don't know how bad you could- should have it.

"Fxxk 'family'- I'll tell you now that mine is wasting away out there somewhere. It's a shame you have to go- your voice is too sweet to be saying these goodbyes."

(I always wondered how Miku got to be here- I wonder if her parents miss her? I'll never know, so I shouldn't bother her by asking.)

So things went on as usual, except I feel guilty- well, guiltier than usual. It seems like I don't deserve to be here, separate from the bleak world. Akaito noticed how worried I was, even when I tried to pass it off as fluoride overdose or whatever Gakupo said.

But he also seems a little shaky when I'm too close- thinking back to what he wrote, I think he doesn't want to make anything worse. That's not entirely true, though- I know about how the law is going to come crashing down, but I still want to be with him.

The road is clear, and on the horizon is the nothingness of death. OK, Miku, I know that sounds really depressing, but it's a straight road so it seems like the horizon never gets closer. Yet it's there. (Just closer for us than most people, I'm sure.)

After his rather sappy outburst when I woke up, he's been awkwardly quiet. He edges around what I say, but doesn't realize it isn't helping. I just want to know what we're going to do.

I've kept my phone off, too afraid to see if Luka has left any other messages. I sleep chastely with Akaito, knowing we both are painfully keeping distant from what we want. I play my cowbell over the noise of The Haganes's songs. I worry in my mind.

It seems like THe Haganes are just a gallery of misled lives. I have so many questions that are useless to ask, about what everyone wanted in life, and where they're going- where I'm going. The sky is clear. I've been aching for rain.

A somber undertone lingers through the days, which waters down the carefree atmosphere. This escapade isn't perfect, Miku, but we try to make it as best we can.

I see Meiko shivering in the cold mornings, when her smile is hidden away and I'm afraid she's going to cry. She never does. Kaito sits near her and sends her looks of sympathy, but never offers to share his scarf.

I really like the twins, watching them dance together and swap clothes and laugh for hours- but sometimes I wish I could really have a conversation. I want to know how they really think, when they aren't ignoring their minds in each other's kiss.

And it's no secret that Gakupo and Miku aren't the happiest people in the world. I want to make it better- there's no time, Miku. I don't even think there's enough time left to tell everyone what I think, what I've told you.

Ah, I'm sorry if this was disappointing to you. I read over my last few entries, and I sound like a different person. I can't imagine it now. Please, please, all I want is to forget all of this. No, no, I don't. I change my mind every minute.

I'd leap at the chance of amnesia, except then I wouldn't remember Akaito. He's worth everything, Miku. Even when these times seem like I made a mistake, that it would have been better if we never met- I would choose him over anyone in the world.

All I know for sure- I won't leave these problems unless Akaito is with me. I wish we could ignore all the worries and be happy agian for the final- days? weeks? What's happening?

Maybe I messed up my mind when I tried to kill myself (that last time- I just can't seem to do it properly). I wasn't quite right before, I know, but at least it was a cheerful kind of wrong.

Miku, thank you for finding me. It's more likely that you sought me out that day, because: just look at your state compared to mine.

I'm worn and shadowed beneath my eyes, they say. I've been reckless and can't see the future.

OK, Miku, you can't see the future either. But I can guess, right? You've stayed flat, crisp, and constant, always showing the same words on your pages. I know you'll end up waterlogged somewhere, maybe a public sink, maybe the bottom of the sea.

I don't know if I'll ever write you again, but right now I want to run at Akaito and tell him- read this because I still can't bear to speak, my mouth is dry from days ago- I want you to know I need you-

Instead I'll go watch Miku practice her guitar.

Good-bye.