Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling; I do not own these characters, or Harry Potter. But if I did... *sighs* imagine the money. And I do not own the lyrics to Rape Me by Nirvana or Cooler Than Me by Mike Posner.
Luna and Regulus sat on the Hogwarts grounds by themselves. Lily, Severus, and the Marauders were taking their Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. and Luna's brothers had snuck off to Hogsmeade to stock up on fire whiskey. Luna had been contemplating asking Regulus questions about his home life ever since she met him. She knew that Sirius moves out of his mother's home and goes to live with James, but she wasn't sure if he had done it yet. And even if he hadn't, what would it be like to live with a Marauder who hated you?
Regulus had been telling her about his Divination teacher's latest prediction. According to her, Regulus was going to die a horrible, watery death and he would be remembered by no one.
"Crazy, right? Everything that lady says is a load of rubbish."
Luna nodded, "The Divination teacher at my old school was like that, too." It wasn't a lie; Trelawney did predict random student's deaths every week.
Regulus chuckled, "But they weren't as crazy as Professor Benefield."
"My old professor predicted I would be in love a man three times my age, but at the same time be married to the handsomest young magical man in all of England."
Regulus furrowed his eyebrows, "Wait... what?"
"I have no clue."
The two laughed, and when they finally stopped, they were left in an awkward silence.
Luna sighed, it was now or never. "So, what's it like living with your brother?"
Immediately, Regulus stiffened.
"Sorry, you don't have to answer, I was just wondering. I mean, you're whole family being Slytherins and him being a Gryffindor, I wondered how that worked."
"It doesn't," he replied.
"Oh."
"Sirius and my mother never have got along, but my father liked him, at least before he got into Hogwarts. But before then, I was Sirius' best friend, not James. I looked up to Sirius, like a lot of little brothers, I wanted to be just like him, you know? Have you ever felt that way about your brothers?"
"Yeah," Lily nodded.
"Well, when he was ten years old, Bellatrix, my older cousin, toke me and him out for a day. She brought us to Knockturn Alley and Diagon Alley. We had fun, until Bellatrix came across a mudblood from her year. You see, it was the summer before her seventh year, and when she ran across this mudblood, she bullied her. At first, it was just your regular taunts, but when the girl said something back to Bella, she hexed her. Bad. We left the girl laying in the gutter bloody and paralyzed.
"Ever since then, Sirius hated pureblood-supremacy. The summer when he got back from his first year at Hogwarts he told me that if I was in Slytherin, I couldn't hang out with him and his friends too often. But if I was a Slytherin and acted like our cousins, then he would never say another friendly word to me."
"Damn."
"Yeah."
"So," Luna began, "you acted like Bellatrix?"
"Sort of. For my first two years I never showed a prejudice act against mudbloods or bloodtraitors, you see, all the other Slytherins never questioned me because I was a Black. But in my third year, this Hufflepuff mudblood girl called me out. She said I was a wimp and I was hiding behind my name. This was true of course. She had said in front of all the important Slytherins, including my cousin Narcissa. She would've had told me mother and father if I had let the mudblood get away with what she said, and they would've whipped me when I returned from Hogwarts. Peter Pettigrew was there too, for some reason, and he told Sirius about it. I've been just another snake to him ever since."
Luna nodded, "That sucks."
Regulus shrugged. "Whatever, that's just the way it is. It doesn't bother much anymore."
"Really?"
"Really," he lied.
After a minute of Luna not talking, Regulus spoke again, "How do you flirt with girls?"
Luna stared at him for three seconds, and then went burst out laughing, "Are you sure Sirius is you're brother?"
"No."
She laughed again, "What girl are you trying to talk to?"
Regulus opened his mouth and froze, staring at something behind Luna, "That one."
She turned and looked. A sixth year Slytherin was walking about 40 feet away from them. There were a couple of bushes in between them and the girl, so she couldn't see them, but they could see her. She was beautiful with long dark blonde hair and bright blue eyes, around 5'6, and almost impossibly slim. For any other fourth year, she would've been impossible to get, but Regulus and Sirius shared one thing; their looks. (Even though Regulus didn't put them to much use.)
Luna looked back at him, "Act like yourself, kind and smart. But use your sense of humor a bit more. Be sweet, but try and stay manly too. You don't want to be friend-zoned. And use better posture. Can you do that?
"Yeah, I think I can."
Luna turned back towards the girl and pulled out her wand. She muttered the spell under her breath, and suddenly the girl tripped, all of the books and the cauldron she carried in her hands scattered on the ground around her.
Luna smiled at Regulus, "Go."
He stared her, slack jawed, "What-"
"Go!"
He stood up and jogged over to the poor, pretty girl. Under his breath, and he said to himself, "Strangest Gryffindor ever!"
Twenty minutes after Regulus had left with the sixth year girl; Luna sat impatiently on a bench in the hall that sixty-four fifth years would pour into any minute now. ...Any minute...
Then she saw the thick herd of teenage students. She stood up and searched the ground. She didn't have to, though, because she heard them before she saw them.
"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?"
"Think I did. One; he's sitting on my chair. Two; he's wearing my clothes. Three; his name's Remus Lupin..."
All the boys laughed except for Peter. "I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail, but I couldn't think of what else-"
James interrupted him, "How thick are you, Wormtail? You run round with a werewolf every month-"
"Keep your voice down," Remus hissed.
"Too late for that. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole castle had heard you all talking," smiled Luna.
Remus grinned and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.
"How was the exam? Fry your weak little brain out?" she smirked at Peter.
Peter's face went red with anger and was about to snap back at her when he realized that she was correct. Then his face stayed red with embarrassment.
"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius said. "I'll be surprised if I don't get Outstanding on it at least."
"Me too," smirked James, who pulled a struggling Snitch out of his pocket.
"Where'd you get that?"
"Nicked it."
Luna rolled her eyes, "Delinquent."
They sat under a beech tree as Peter watched James as if he were an awe-inspiring hero. Sirius leaned against the tree and stared around them looking bored. Remus pulled a book out from his bag and began to read while Luna sat her head against his knee. James continued to play with the Snitch, and Peter was too busy watching him to even sit down.
After a minute of sitting there both Luna and Sirius had become seriously annoyed because neither of them had nothing to do. Luna looked up at Remus. The book was between her and him so she could only see his eyes.
In a couple of seconds he noticed her staring and met her gaze and she saw his eyes crinkle into a smile that she did not return. He raised an eyebrow and she frowned.
She heard his voice in her mind. What?
I'm bored.
He chuckled. Hello Bored, I'm reading a book.
Is that your full name?
He shook his head and went back to his book, ignoring his girlfriend no matter how long she glared at him. Then she got an idea.
Rape me, rape me my friend. Rape me, rape me again. I'm not the only one... I'm not the only one...
I actually like that song of yours.
She frowned and thought of a different tune. If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I would already have you up under my arm. I've used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this, but you probably won't you think you're cooler than me...
Now he frowned, That's just rude.
So is ignoring you girlfriend while she's trying to spend time with you before she zaps back into the future and never sees you again.
Touché...
He put the book down and pulled her into his lap and began to nibble on her ear. From behind them they heard groans.
"Oh come on, Prongs just stopped showing off so Wormtail would shut it, and now you two start?" whined Sirius.
Luna flipped him off.
He huffed, "Wish it was a full moon. I'm bored."
Remus flipped him off as he moved to Luna's neck. They ignored their companions until the shout of an incantation caught her ears and a Sirius-like bark of laughter filled the air.
Luna whipped around in Remus' lap, smacking his face with thick, red hair. "Impedimenta!" Sirius said his wand pointed at Snape, who stood defenseless in front of James and Sirius. A crowd had formed around the scene. Close enough to see everything that was going on, but far away so they wouldn't get caught in the crossfire.
Luna sat there wondering what to do. She didn't want to fight James and Sirius or get up out of Remus' lap, but they were bullying Snape, who, despite some lackings in manners, was still her friend, and friends had always been a priority to her. Then she felt something soft against her neck.
It was Remus. What was he doing? Didn't he see now was not the best time to play 'Who Gives the Best Hickeys?' But one peek inside his mind and she understood. He was planning on letting his friends torture Snape and pretend he was too busy to notice. But what on Earth made him think she was going to be part of his excuse?
She started to stand up but he grabbed her hand and looked at her with pleading eyes. Please?
No.
"How'd the exam go Snivelly?
"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," snarled Sirius. "There'll be great grease marks all over it; they won't be able to read a word."
Luna looked at the people in disgust. Didn't they have anything better to do? But then again, if Snape ever acted as horrible to her as he did to other people, she might just be laughing at him, too. Or even helping James and Sirius. But Snape wasn't horrible to her, he was actually very kind to her, and it was time for her to return the favor.
"Expelliarmus!" said Luna and both James' and Sirius' wands flew out of their hands at Luna's feet, who picked them up.
"Stay out of this Lily-Lu," said Sirius in a warning voice.
James looked taken back for a moment before holding out his hand to her, "You're funny, now give us back our wands."
"No! You really think I'm just going to give them back to you right after I toke them away? I know you're smarter than that Potter."
"Leave it, Luna, I'll be fine. I don't need your help," said Severus, panting.
"Really? You can handle yourself two against one with no wand?"
"Lily-Lu!"
She whipped her head around to look at Remus, who was calling her name, "What?"
She felt something being snatched out of her hand behind her- Sirius' and James' wands. She turned back around to see Sirius had used the distraction to get their wands back, and James was reaching for her wand. Her fury at being tricked, and Remus helping them trick her, she swung her fist and it connected hard with James' nose. He stumbled back and fell onto his butt, clutching his face, and you could see blood streaming in-between his fingers.
Snape laughed out loud, "Having fun being beat up by a little girl, Potter?"
Sirius glared at him, "Having fun knowing you needed a little girl to help you?"
Snape let out a string of curses and hexes, but he didn't have his wand, so nothing happened.
James, who now had stood up, retrieved his wand and sent a glare at Luna, turned on Snape, "Wash out your mouth!" Before Luna could raise her wand to stop him, he said "Scourigfy!"
Pink soap bubbles erupted from Snape's mouth, and sputtered and wheezed, trying hard to breath.
Luna pointed her wand at James and decided to let him have his own medicine. At the same time she shouted, "Scourgify!" her grandmother came running up to her side, "Leave Sev ALONE!"
Sirius turned around and glared at the two girls raising his wand.
Luna, however, already had her wand raised, "Expelliarmus!"
Lily snarled, while picking up the wand, "I swear, Black, if you hex her you'll get a lot more than a detention."
"Give me back my wand."
"Didn't I just tell James that I wouldn't give him back his wand right after I take it away? Come on, really now, why would Lily do it for you?" said Luna.
"I just want to take the hexes off of Prong and your friend," lied Sirius.
Lily smiled and said in a fake, cheerful voice, "Well, I can do that for you!" She lifted the ImpedimentaJinx and Scourgify Spell off Snape and James, who both stood up and wiped the dirt off their robes and retrieved their wands.
"Hello Evans, having a good day?" asked James, showing off a charming smile that would've worked on most girls, but not on Lily.
"Leave him alone. What's he done to you?"
"Well, it's more the fact he exists if you know what I mean..."
Everybody laughed, (or at least snickered) except for Severus, Lily, Luna, and Remus, who was beginning to feel bad about choosing his bullying friends over his girlfriend.
"You think you're so funny," she said coldly. "But you're just a arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."
"Would you please give me back my wand now?" whined Sirius.
Aggravated, Lily tossed him the wand, and he caught it happily.
Luna caught eyes with Snape. "Let's leave now," she mouthed and beckoned with a jerk of her head.
He shook his head, "No."
"We're not bothering him now, as you can see," pointed out James. Behind his back, Snape stood grinding his teeth. He didn't need Lily or Luna's help to beat James Potter and Sirius Black. And in a minute from now, when the time was right, he'd prove it.
"Don't bother him ever again," seethed Lily.
"Go out with then!" said James quickly. "Go out with me and I'll never bother ole Snivelly again. I promise."
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.
"Bad luck Prongs," said Sirius briskly before turning back to Snape, "OY!"
Luna had already put her wand up and sat down at the edge of the crowd (away from Remus and Peter) expecting to only see a very entertaining James/Lily shouting match, but she was wrong. A flash of light shot out of Snape's wand a gash appeared on James' face, reaching from just below his eye to his chin and spattering blood on his robes. Another flash of light, this one from James, and Snape was hanging upside down in the air, making his robes fall around his head, revealing pale, skinny, hairy, legs and a pair of graying underpants.
Many of the crowd cheered, and all of the Marauders, besides Remus, cheered. Luna stood, up and put her hand next to the pocket where her wand was, but it seemed as though Lily had it under control.
Lily's furious expression faltered for half a second, as if she was going to smile, and said, "Let him down!"
"Certainly," said James and he jerked his wand upward. Snape fell in a crumpled heap, and disentangled his himself from his robes and stood with his wand up, but Sirius cut him off before he could do anything. "Petrificus Totalus!" and Snape fell over once again.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted, now pointing her wand at them, and they eyed it warily.
"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.
"Take the curse off him then!
James sighed, but still did as he was told. "There you go," he said as Snape stood up once again. "You'd better be happy Evans was here Snivellus-"
"I don't need help from filthy Mudbloods like her!"
Lily blinked, "Fine," she said coolly. "In the future I won't bother. And I'd might want to wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."
"Apologize to Evans," James roared at Snape, pointing his wand at him.
"I don't need you to make him apologize. You're just as bad as he is."
"What?" yelped James. "I would never call you a- a you-know-what!"
"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got of your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, waking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can- I'm surprised your broom can even get off the ground with your big fat head on it. You make me SICK."
She turned around and walked away, bringing Luna with her.
"Evans!" James shouted. "Hey, EVANS!"
But she didn't look back.
