Chapter 11
Brendan's POV
I sit back in m chair in the office sipping whiskey and looking intently at my phone. It's Stephen's day off today and as much as I'd love to say I'm fine with him not being here, I'm not. I want to see him, feel him, inhale his scent, look into those eyes of his, kiss those lips of his and show him why we should never be apart. But that's not me. That's why we have fallen into this cycle of sneaking around behind his boyfriends back.
We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now, it's like magnetism, we can't stop and if I'm honest I don't want to stop. We often stay late after closing, reconnecting with each other, in the office, on the sofas even on the bar, there isn't one part of this club that doesn't hold intimate memories of Stephen for me. But this week we've barely seen each other alone and it's tearing me up.
I know I'm lying to myself when I say I'm getting everything I want from Stephen, but when we are together it feels that way, it's like it's the only time I can truly be myself, not this Brendan Mother Fucking Brady persona I have created. Being with Stephen, I'm different, he makes me want to be better, I want to be worthy of his love, prove to him that it should be just me and him. The only drawback is Noah,.
Noah can give Stephen all the things I can't and I think that's why he is still with him or at least I hope that's all it is. I'm sure it can't be love, it can't be, there is no way Stephen could look at me the way he does if he loved Noah. He is in love with being in a relationship, that's all it is. I just need to show him that it's me really wants to be with even if it can't be the way he wants it to be.
We haven't really talked about what is happening with us, I think that's probably my fault, Stephen is scared to push things with me in case things go bad again and I hurt him. But that's not what I want, I don't want to be the cause of anymore pain for him, that's why it has to be his decision. I don't think he has realised it but I've given him the control of 'us', I don't think I even realised I had done it. I just know that when it is just the two of us there is no way I can deny him anything and if he decides it's me he wants then that's what he will get and if not, I will walk away.
Before I have even realised what I'm doing I've texted him 'Got an unexpected delivery, you free for couple hours' I've pressed send before I can stop myself. At least I didn't write what I really wanted to say, that I needed to see him, feel him, be inside him. At least despite not being able to think straight when it comes to Stephen I have enough sense not to blow our cover.
The phone beeps and my heart stops as I read his message 'sorry plans with Noah all day' before I know it I've swiped everything off the desk in a fit of rage, not at Stephen, at myself, for not being able to give him what he wants, what he needs. I need to get away, get some perspective, I've been talking with Cheryl about going back to Ireland to see the kids and suddenly it seems like the perfect time to go. I miss my kids like crazy and maybe seeing them will close up part of this void inside me, this void that I've been trying to fill with Stephen.
I pick up the phone and call Cheryl, I fill her in on my plans and before I know it she has told me she is coming with me too. I tell her I will book the flights for tonight and she decides to head to town to get presents for the kids. I call Foxy and tell him he needs to cover the club but promise I will be back for the weekend as I know he is supposed to be whisking Mitzeee away, and not even I am brave enough to mess with Mitzeee's plans.
I sort things out at the club, make sure there is plenty of cover with both me and Cheryl off and head home to quickly pack before meeting up at Chez's to get a taxi to the airport. I hurriedly grab a few things, find my passport and head out the flat. I lock the door and turn to see him there, about to go into the Dog with Noah. He stops dead, sees the bag on my shoulder and his face is filled with hurt and confusion. I can see him say something to Noah before he kisses him on his cheek and watches him head in to the pub before he walks towards me.
'Bren?' he ask questioningly, his voice is so quiet and his eyes are darting across my face.
'I'm heading home to see the kids, well me and Chez are, it's just a few days' I say trying to stay cool and calm when what I really want to do its grab hold of him and show him right there what he means to me.
'Oh… umm right, is this because I couldn't meet up? I just couldn't get away, I'm sorry' He looks so vulnerable now I can't help but raise my hand and gently brush his hair to the side.
'Don't be silly, I'll be back on Friday night, Cheryl just needs a break that's all' I move my hand away and stand up straight, readying myself to leave.
'I'm away this weekend, in Manchester with Ames and the kids remember so I guess I'll see you at work on Sunday night then yeah?' he asks and I can see the pleading in his eyes, wanting me to let him know everything is ok with us.
'Yeah I'll see you then' I start to walk away but don't get far before turning to see him still stood there watching me 'just keep an eye on the club will ya. You know what Foxy is like' I say and flash him a smile and see his face light up.
I walk to Cheryl's to find her with way too much luggage for a few days away and end up with some of her crazy leggings and bras stuffed into my bag. I swear to god if I get my luggage searched at the airport this could well be the end of my relationship with my sister!
Ste's POV
It was pretty quiet at the club for a Wednesday night and my thoughts are filled with Brendan. It seems like ages since we've been alone together properly, when I saw him outside his flat with that bag on his shoulder I felt frozen by fear. He was leaving. I made some excuse to Noah about needing to check a work thing before heading to see him, we hadn't really said much but he had gently stroked my hair and he'd asked me to keep an eye on things here so he must care right? He wouldn't ask me to keep an eye on the club if he wasn't coming back, if he didn't want us to still be connected in some way even if he wasn't here? Surely that means something?
We haven't really spoken about what's happening with us since that day at his flat, we just keep getting drawn back together and it is beyond amazing. Words like mindblowing and sensational just don't cut it. It is like we are one, we are meant to be, everything feels so right.
I feel better when I'm with him, like I'm whole, like I can be anything, do anything. He gives me that. But then reality kicks in and I remember that isn't what he wants, he is happy for us to just be casual, physical, no strings and I'm weak and I give him that because I would rather be that than be nothing to him. That's when I go back to Noah and back to convincing myself that's what I want.
Before I know what I'm doing I've pulled my phone out and written a text 'I miss you xxx' and in a moment of recklessness I press send. We are normally so careful, we only text about work related subjects, it's kind of like our code. There are never X's or anything that allude to feelings or wants.
My phone beeps almost instantly and as I see it's a message from Brendan a sense of fear comes over me, what if I've messed up again, what if I've made him cross? I press open and what I see sets off what feels like fireworks going off inside me, I'm filled with warmth and happiness and excitement and sooo many good feelings. It is ridiculous that two words could do that. I stare down at the screen and read the message over and over.
'Me too x'
