It's taken some time, but I finally managed to write a new chapter. This was written in the back of a car at 2.30 am yesterday, during a snow storm in the north of France, so any possible mistakes are due to that car ride from hell. If I'm not able to write and post the next chapter by the end of the week, this will be the last one before Christmas. So happy Christmas everybody, and thanks for reading :) xx
1 September 2007
It has taken me quite some time, but I have finally decided to move in with George. It has taken me ages to come to a decision, and if I'm honest it's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. George was absolutely ecstatic when I told him. However, I'm still not sure if I did the right thing. I'm still not sure whether it feels right or not, but I knew I just couldn't make him wait much longer. It just felt so unfair to keep him in the dark all this time, though of course I didn't do it on purpose.
He really caught me off guard when he asked me to move in with him during our holiday. It was such a sweet gesture, and I was definitely touched by it, but it frightened me immensely as well. It's such a big step, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it. I didn't want to reject him, because I knew that it would break his heart, and also because I would throw away my one chance at happiness. Very selfish of me, I know, but it's the truth. It's the same old dilemma, once again rearing its ugly head. Should I be with him or not? Should I move in with him, or keep things the way they are?
I always get rather nervous when I'm faced with these kinds of dilemmas, and usually I opt for the easy way out. I'm sure this is why my relationships never worked out. And this is exactly why my 'relationship' or lack thereof with Harry ended before it had even begun. It seems so silly now, ending something that could have been something absolutely wonderful because of a bit of office gossip. I think this is one of the reasons why I decided to say yes to George. It's time for me to bite the bullet and just go for it.
I moved in 3 days ago, and things are still a bit tense. Nico's fine with it all. I used to be around all the time anyway, so he's hardly noticed the difference. But George and I are still trying to find our way around each other now that we're living in the same house 24/7. It didn't take me long to move out of my flat, since I don't have that many possessions. It's mainly clothes and books that I've bought since my arrival. No little keepsakes, no photo albums, no things from my past. These few meagre possessions are what define me now, they're all I have.
I sometimes wonder if George is curious about my past, since to him it appears that I don't have one. And if he's thought about it, I wonder why he's never confronted me about my lack of a past. To him it must seem as though I appeared out of nowhere one day. Or perhaps I'm just so perceptive that I can't imagine other people not noticing these things. Of course it is entirely possible that he's choosing to ignore all of this.
I do realise that I always seem rather negative when I write about George, but this is not the case, definitely not. He's such a good and kind man, and in another life I probably would have fallen in love with him instantly. The happy, bonkers, clumsy GCHQ Ruth wouldn't have been able to resist his charms, of that I'm sure. But I've too much baggage now, too much has happened over the years.
And then there's Harry. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to love anyone else fully, to commit myself completely and utterly to one person, knowing that I never had a chance to find out if I could've made things work with Harry. This is one of those unanswered questions that I'll carry around with me for the rest of my life. It's the not knowing that's so terribly frustrating. Every time I think back to the moment that I told him there wouldn't be a second date, every time I remember that look of rejection and hurt in his eyes, I can just kick myself. Why do I have this terrible habit of cheating myself out of happiness? Why do I feel the need to punish myself like this?
Well one thing's for sure, I won't let it happen again. Not this time. This time I will make it work, and I will be happy. Eventually...
TBC
