Chapter 9: The Christina Factor
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." - Unknown
^^ Three weeks since Tris Returned ^^
*Tobias POV*
I emerge from my dream with a yell. My lip stings, and when I take my hand away from it, there is blood on my fingertips. Damn it, I must have bitten it during my nightmare. As I close my eyes remembering my awful dream about Tris's death, I feel the tears slip down my face.
Suddenly aware of my rapid heartbeat, I remind myself that she is alive. Although she is not in my life, I am able to calm myself knowing she is alive, well, and happy. At least I assume happy; I really have no idea what she is feeling or thinking. Not having any contact with someone will tend to leave you in the dark.
I never had nightmares, and then when Tris died my grief consumed me. The dreams are horrific and it literally feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I had hoped that after discovering that Tris is alive that they would stop. Maybe one day.
I flip on the light on my bed stand and open the drawer. I find therapist Kelly White's card. I bite my lip…I am going to call her soon.
Tris doesn't want to talk to me, but I'm starting to realize I need to talk to someone.
++o++
It is really early in the morning, I decide to get up and get a workout in before my day at the office begins. I am gathering my clothes and shoes as I walk through my small apartment that Johanna secured for me while I am working at bureau. She has asked me how long I plan on staying here, I don't have an answer. I am no closer to making any headway with Tris than I was two weeks ago.
I have seen her a couple of times at different political events, but as I was working I decided to concentrate on my job. After the last humiliating scene she made, I have been giving her the space she demanded.
As I am about to head out, I hear a knock at my door. I open it to see Christina standing in the hallway, her travel bag in hand. My mouth falls open.
"Hey." She says, smiling at me.
"Christina, hi. What are you doing…here?" I ask, confused.
"May I come in? Or do you want to have this conversation with me standing in the hallway?"
I hesitate for a moment, and then I remember my manners. Even if we are over romantically, she is still my friend. "Yeah, of course. Come in," I say as I hold the door open for her.
She walks in with her bag and looks around, "Nice place you have here. I am not sure why you look so surprised to see me, I told you I would be back," she makes eye contact, "since I am not giving up on us. I also have nowhere else to stay while I am here," she adds with a playful laugh.
I sigh and shake my head, "Chris, it's not going to happen. No way are we sleeping in the same room."
I clear my throat, "I think you already knew that deep down. Tris is alive, you know what that means, to me at least."
"What I know, is that I am here in your apartment…and there is no sign of Tris."
I frown. All the doubt I have been fighting creeps back at Chris's words. I sigh and sit down on a chair and I motion for Christina to have a seat on the couch. She smiles and sits as close to me as possible. I'm glad I chose the chair.
"You know what Tris was for me, you of all people know how much her loss…killed me." I say softly.
"That's the thing, Tobias. It didn't kill you. You thought it would, but the loss of Tris did not end your life. You moved on, you moved on with me! Why can't you remember that now." She huffs.
I rub my temples and go over my words before speaking. "Is that what you think happened? That because we started hanging out more, and having sex…that I got over her?"
Christina glares at me, pursing her lips.
"I mean, don't you even want to try to get Tris back in your life? Don't you miss her? Have you forgotten everything she was to you?" I ask, genuinely confused.
"I know her. I know she will never be able to look at me, and not picture us having sex. Deep down I think you know that too," she pauses, "I am choosing to believe her words. She knows we did nothing wrong…but we still make her sick. Tris herself said she was done!"
I cringe and say nothing. My mind racing, I selfishly want to talk to Christina and confide in her about Tris. I want her advice, I want her to talk to Tris for me, and I want her to help me fix things with Tris. Obviously all of those things are ridiculous, I ruined any chance of that when I decided that part of moving on would be starting a romantic relationship with the best friend of the dead love of my life. I chose Christina because she was literally standing in front of me, pressuring me to move on while making herself available. I settled, and now I am paying for it.
"Chris, if Will came back…I would have stepped aside and given you my blessing. I would have wanted you to be happy with him. I mean that."
She laughs bitterly, "All that tells me, is that you didn't love me. Don't you get it? I am in love with you, Tobias! And I have been for a while now," she is quiet for a moment, breathing in and out as if to calm herself, "Also, Will is dead. Tris killed him remember?! Don't ever mention Will to me again."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you by bringing him up. Chris, believe it or not, I don't want to hurt you. But part of me not hurting you, is making sure you are clear where I stand. You are an amazing person and you deserve someone who adores you, and you alone. That is never going to be me. I want for you to be happy too."
She nods her head, she seems to be hearing me for the first time. Chris does deserve better, better than anything I can offer her. My heart belongs to Tris, even if she decides to stomp on it for the rest of her life; it still belongs to her.
"Look, I am not going to turn you out to the cold. But there is no way in hell we are staying in the same room." I laugh as she rolls her eyes at me.
I give her my full set of keys, I tell her two nights max and she then needs to go home or find another place to crash. I pack a new bag and tell her I will be staying with one of my male co-workers.
"So how are things really going with Tris?" she asks. I hear genuine curiosity in her voice, no malice.
"Chris, I just don't want to talk about it. Not with you."
She gives me a knowing look and nods her head. "By the way, I already made dinner plans with Sara and Claire from your work team. I wanted you to know up front. You are welcome to join us of course."
"Good to know, I hope you have a nice time. Those girls love to party, just be careful… I am going to pass." I say as I head for the door.
She walks towards me and puts her arms around my shoulders, her embrace makes the pain over Tris worse. I am reminded of that day in my childhood Abnegation home. I remember Christina holding me then, and it was a painful reminder of every time Tris's thin arms slipped around me, uncertain at first but then stronger, more confident, more sure of herself and of me.
It reminds me that no embrace will ever feel the same as Tris, because no will ever be like her, she is the only one for me.
I am worried I may never feel her arms around me again.
Oh Tris. What the hell are we doing?
+o+++o+
+o+++o+ +o+++o+
+o+++o+
*Tris POV*
I am moving today, not that I have much to move. As one of the former captives, I have chosen to accept a small apartment at the bureau as part of my rehabilitation process.
It was bittersweet to say goodbye to Michelle and her family. They recently moved back to their hometown in Providence. Her extended family is there and she is looking forward to getting her life back to normal. I think about Jessica and Michelle and I know I might not have made it this far without their friendship in my life.
These girls have changed my life. Jessica has taught me to be stronger, while also enjoying life. She has a gift for making me laugh the way no one ever has before. Her foul mouth is shocking, but pretty comical as her rage is never directed at me. Michelle is kind and compassionate. She has never told me what I should do about Tobias, but I know deep down she is worried I am making a mistake by cutting him out of my life. I wish I could verbalize to her what is really holding me back. I just can't, I can't even admit it to myself out loud.
I am not enough.
I will never be enough.
Now that Tobias has experienced more with Christina, I will never be enough.
Maybe he just doesn't see it…yet. He would figure it out, eventually.
I want to say the words out loud, even if just during my therapy sessions. But I can't, I just can't. Instead I repeat it to myself again and again as a reminder. I am not enough. I calm myself by remembering that it doesn't matter. Tobias and I will never be together again.
+++o+++
Quote: Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself, then nobody will ever be happy with me.
+++o+++
I have seen him a couple of times around the bureau, during a political events. He has noticed me, but made no efforts to talk with me. Once he was assigned to facilitate a roundtable discussion that I was a part of. Before we started he excused himself for a moment. Shortly after a very bubbly girl named Sara came over and explained she was taking his place.
I guess my screaming at him in public while he was working finally did the trick.
I push thoughts of him away, there is no us. We all need to move on.
+o++o+
Over the last two weeks Jessica has taken me to a couple of James Wilton political activities. I am sure she is hoping we will hit it off. She had been joking at the previous rally about me "tapping that". She has much more ambitious goals for me!
She made sure to tell me that he is the youngest candidate, single and very wealthy. Did she mention single? Only a dozen times. I think she is already planning the wedding.
She has told me she is ready to live vicariously through me, but I know James and I are not going to happen. After James saw my horrible display with Tobias at the debate, he has been very polite when we have crossed paths. He is now professional and nothing more. I push those thoughts away, it is for the best.
I'm not enough.
Not enough for anyone.
+o++o+
As I step out of the shower and rush to get ready, I text Jess again to let her know I changed my mind about the party. Jessica and her husband invited me to join their group of friends at a late night political fundraiser. It is a cocktail party with a silent auction, and also a friendly competition for the different political candidates.
All proceeds from the event will be donated to a variety of charities that help children. It is an evening for everyone to put aside their differences in order to raise money and look beyond political issues.
I am pretty late by the time I arrive to the event. It is very crowded and part of me is tempted to turn around and go home. I remind myself that I need to get out of my seclusion and live a little. The drinks are flowing, the lights are low and the music is blasting. I can't see Jessica or her group of friends anywhere. So I decide to grab a glass of wine and walk around the silent auction to kill some time.
I keep scanning the crowd, but still no sign of Jessica. I look at my phone, the earlier text I sent her still shows as unread. Maybe her phone battery died? Which seems to happen to her a lot.
As I am waiting I decide to get a second glass of wine, the bartender is very generous with the serving. I smile at him sweetly. He tells me I have the most beautiful eyes and I feel my cheeks warm as I thank him for the compliment.
I pull out my wallet so I can pay and tip him, when suddenly a fifty-dollar bill is placed on the bar next to me. The bartender's eyes light up and he has a big smile, "Thank you, Mr. Wilton. Let me get your change, sir."
"Since you managed to pull a smile out of her, I am tipping you on her behalf. No change needed." James tells the bartender before turning his attention back to me.
My mouth falls open in shock, I didn't even see him come up. I am also surprised he is even talking to me, considering how reserved he has been the last two weeks.
"Hello, Tris. You look lovely this evening. Are you having a good time?" he asks me while staring into my eyes.
I take a large sip of my wine and nod shyly. I don't know why I am feeling so nervous, maybe because I am at a large party alone and drinking wine for the first time? I don't really know what the hell I am doing here.
Yeah, a great time. I decide to just smile and nod.
"Who are you here with? You shouldn't be wandering around alone, you are more than welcome to come and sit with me and my team. Even if you don't end up voting for me, tonight is about raising money for the kids." He says with a laugh.
I smile and tell him I am meeting friends, but I thank him for the glass of wine. He tells me to enjoy my evening and excuses himself to return to his party of friends with the large round of shots he just ordered. He offers me one before he goes.
I have never tried one of those either, he sees the apprehension on my face.
"I'll do mine with you. Only if you want to of course!"
I laugh and agree. James turns to the bartender and asks him to pour one more shot for me and to add it to his team's tab. The bartender hands me my shot and James takes his off of the tray he was carrying. We clink our glasses and he explains how to take a shot.
"Whatever you do, don't sip it! Just turn the shot glass upside-down and make sure you finish it immediately. Good luck, Tris!"
I do as he explained and I feel a warm tingly feeling almost immediately. I laugh and smile at him. He hands me back my wine glass, which I notice the bartender has topped off again. I am guessing that fifty-dollar bill was appreciated.
James points to the direction his team is sitting, he reminds me I am welcome to join them. He assures me they are a nice group. I remind myself, James Wilton is not for me. I thank him and tell him to enjoy his evening. He smiles and walks off with his tray of shots.
+o++o+
With my wine glass now almost empty I make one last round through the party, there are so many people. I just can't find Jessica or anyone that is familiar. Oh, except Johanna and her team sitting towards the front of the stage area. My eyes immediately search out Tobias, he looks so handsome in his work suit and tie. Unlike most of his teammates who are dressed in more party-style clothes; I guess he is still wearing his suit from his work day.
Suddenly they announce that they are still waiting for one representative from Johanna Reyes's team to go up front and be part of a dance off. All the other contestants are ready and waiting. I notice every one of them is not only female, but all are very attractive.
There seems to me a little debate amongst Johanna's team as to who will be representing them. The event DJ jokingly reminds them it is for charity and they really should get their act together.
That is when I notice Christina. She is sitting with Johanna's team, she just had not been sitting next to Tobias. She is pushed towards the stage by two other girls who are laughing and seem almost unable to stand on their own they are so tipsy.
Before Christina walks to the front she does a little curtsy and the crowd cheers. She takes a large sip from her wine glass and hands it to Tobias, while whispering something in his ear. He smiles politely at her and nods his head, as though he is agreeing to something.
The DJ announces that the song will be Queen of Boredness by Kinny. Suddenly this amazing sensual beat is playing throughout the room. I had no idea Christina could move her body like that. She looks amazing, sexy and full of confidence as she begins a seductive dance while moving her figure to the beat. It is mesmerizing.
I hear a group of men standing next to me talk about her, "Holy shit, that chick who joined last…yeah, from Reyes's team - - she is amazing. I can only imagine what she is like in bed, look at her body move." Another mentions he is going to need a cold shower after watching her dance.
I bite my lip, I can't turn away. Christina is amazing.
Towards the end of the song she is neck and neck with another very good dancer that is from Wilton's team. The volume of the crowd's cheers, when prompted by the DJ determines the winner. When it is Christina's last chance to show her stuff she seductively moves off the stage and makes a beeline for Tobias who is sitting up front. She gives him a slow and sexy smile. The crowd cheering in anticipation.
Inhaling a sharp breath and clenching my jaw I watch her move in on him. She stands in front of Tobias as she moves her body as though they were alone in the bedroom. It is erotic and sensual. She looks hot. I see the way his eyes rake up and down her body. And then he has a huge confident smile on his face and nods appreciatively while looking around, the men in the audience are going crazy for him. Cheering him on for being graced with her sexiness.
The men next to me are now screaming things like "You lucky bastard!" and "I want to be you for five minutes…with her of course!"
I almost vomit right where I am standing when I see that he is staring at her with a sexy look on his face. Then Tobias actually licks his fucking lips while watching her dance.
To hell with them both!
The crowd goes crazy for Team Reyes and they win the dance off by a landslide. Christina jumps up and down happily, taking a break to down two shots that are handed to her by teammates. Before I even see his reaction to their little victory I turn and walk away. I feel sick. The room is spinning as I make a beeline for the exit. As soon as I step into the large hallway I take a few moments to lean against the wall in order to steady myself.
This is what hell must feel like. I am trapped in my own personal hell. I should have stayed home tonight, I should have moved to Providence and gotten the fuck away from Tobias and Christina and their sexy-relationship.
I close my eyes and breathe in and out, I finally make it to the restroom and begin to splash some water on my face. I just want to go home and sleep. I need to close my eyes and feel the peace that only sleep brings me. I am heartbroken. I am jealous.
I am pathetic.
As I am drying my hands, I hear the loud voices of girls that have entered the restroom lobby area. Before they even enter, I can tell they are all drunk.
"He'd be insane not to want you." One girl says loudly while another one giggles.
A third girl chirps, "I bet your sex life with Tobias is incredible."
And suddenly I am standing face to face with none other than Christina.
+o++o+ Chapter End +o++o+
