Chapter 11
EPOV – Drowning Sorrows
Time marches on regardless of our circumstances or the things happening around us. Three weeks had passed since Peter's tragic death and like everyone else I was feeling the guilt, pain, anger, sympathy, denial that such a loss brings about for anyone directly involved in such an event.
On Saturday Bella lost her fiancé, Rick and Grace lost their son and the rest of us lost a friend.
On Wednesday he was buried amid a beautiful tribute that made my guilt magnify tenfold as I sat beside the love of his life and wondered how I could not touch her; how I could not reach out and help her through such an agonizing time; how I could possibly keep my feelings in for her when all I wanted to do was protect her and take away every small hurt she was experiencing.
On Thursday Bella shut herself away from the world again, asking to be left alone to deal with her grief in the best way she could. No one agreed that this was what was best for her but no one was willing to push her into something different when we knew she had the daunting task of getting through Saturday ahead of her; the day she should have become Mrs Bella Woods.
Saturday dawned and everyone was on tenterhooks worrying about how she would handle the storm of feelings that would no doubt rear their ugly heads on this day. The only people who would find out firsthand were Rosalie and Alice because Bella kept herself sequestered in her apartment and room for the entirety of the day and they were the only ones she would open up to at all. When the group of us met up that night for a catch up session, Rosalie and Alice could only shake their heads in the negative and let us know that Bella was doing as best as she could under the circumstances. It didn't evade my attention that Rosalie and Alice were a little more clingy that night with their respective partners; that they were somehow trying to convey to their loved ones how much they truly meant and what their life would be like if they were no longer around. They knew they were the lucky ones.
Week two still found Bella closed off from the world and we were all becoming concerned for her well being. I knew that the girls were watching out for her and trying their best to get her to open up to them but nothing seemed to be helping; Bella was completely bogged down in her grief.
"It takes every threat under the sun for me to even get her to get out of bed to have a shower," Alice lamented " And I know she isn't eating the food I prepare for her ,even though she very skillfully finds a way for it to disappear. She's losing weight at such a high speed that I am worried there will be nothing left of her."
The thought of Bella's perfection being marred by her grief made me want to punch a hole in the wall in utter helplessness and anger. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Somehow she needed to get herself better.
Rosalie spoke and reinforced the words of her sister. "I've suggested getting out of the apartment even for just a short time but she refuses. She needs some sun, some air. She needs to remember what it is like to live. We can't let her keep going this way."
"What if one of the boys tries to get through to her? You know, a change of scene so to speak. You girls have been with her all of the time. Maybe if she gets a different perspective….." Angela shrugged her shoulders as if she wasn't sure if her suggestion made any sense.
"Somehow I don't think I would be any help," I muttered softly and Rosalie inclined her head in sympathetic agreement.
"Sorry I can't help either," Emmett murmured with regret. "I can't imagine Bella wants to be reminded, right now, that I was in the accident with Peter and that whilst he is dead I survived. It seems kind of harsh to be rubbing that in her face."
Rosalie quickly put her hand out to take Emmett's hand. "Bella would never think like that Emmett. She always asks how you are going. In fact she asks about all of you," She eyed us all pointedly. "She may be grieving but she has not forgotten her friends and she most definitely does not think ill about you. Emmett you have to believe me when I say that, yes, Bella is rightfully lost at this moment but when she comes out of this part she is going to need all of us and that includes you. Don't remove yourself from her because of some ill conceived idea that it should have been you that died in that car and not Peter," She forced his face towards her and leaned in so that anyone else at the table had to strain to hear her words. "Don't ever think like that. I can't even stand the thought."
Rosalie's hand crept up to the bald part of Emmett's head, that now sported a healing scar, and lightly grazed it with her fingertips. Emmett's eyes glazed over and he pulled her hand back down to his lips and kissed them in reassurance. He nodded slightly to let her know that he understood her concerns and would try harder to let go of his guilt. She thanked him with her eyes and turned back to our conversation.
"So, maybe Jasper?" Rosalie's question made Jasper startle slightly. He gazed at her unsurely. "You managed to get her to the funeral and she seemed to lean on you a lot that day. Maybe your connection as Peter's best friend will help her out of this hole she is in."
I felt sorry for Jasper as I watched the look of panic cross his face. Any other time I would have sprung to his defense and suggested another way of doing things but Rosalie was right; Bella had responded to Jasper and right now I would do anything to help that girl even if it meant forcing Jasper's hand. Luckily I didn't need to.
"Sure…..I guess. I am not sure what I can say or do to make her feel better but I am happy to try,"
Angela must have also felt sorry for him because she offered her assistance quickly. "Look, how about we give her until the end of the weekend. Most of us have to go back to work on Monday, right?"
Alice, Rosalie, Ben and Emmett showed their yeses with a quick nod to the head. Rosalie scowled at Emmett.
"What? I need to do something babe. I won't do any of the hard stuff, just the office, sitting behind my desk stuff. I promise. I am healing and working will help me do that quicker." Rosalie rolled her eyes at him and I wondered if there would be more discussions about this at a later point. I didn't envy Emmett with that battle.
I added my own nod to the general consensus and Alice looked at me in surprise. Obviously Jasper hadn't had time to relate my plans to Alice and probably not the others either. "How?" she questioned.
"My company has allowed me to do a kind of job exchange for the next month or so. I will be working in the New York offices and they have sent one of my colleagues over to Paris to do mine." I shrugged nonchalantly "What can I say? I have a little bit of clout with my company and they would prefer that I was working over here rather than taking an unlimited amount of time off so that I could stay with Jasper."
Alice's eyes widened and I could see the warmth of her gratitude shining within them before I looked back to Angela. I was more than a little embarrassed that she thought it was such a big deal that I would do anything for my brother. He meant the world to me.
"So as I was saying…..you guys will all be at work so it won't seem so strange to Bella if Jasper and I turn up on Monday to keep her company. We can try to get her out… or talking …or something."
"Seems like a good plan to me," Emmett agreed and we all hoped it was one that would work.
That had been over a week ago and we were now up to three weeks after the accident. Jasper and Angela had managed to get Bella to go on small sojourns out of the apartment but she still remained aloof and seeked solace whenever she could get it. I had not seen her since the funeral and had to rely on the reports of everyone else to know if she was alright or not. She was surviving but everyone was still worried about her. Tonight we were all hoping for a big break through with her and we were relying on Angela's previously postponed photo exhibition to be the thing to do it. Alice and Rosalie had convinced Bella that she should be there for Angela's big moment, knowing that Bella would not want to let her good friend down no matter how she was feeling herself.
My anxiety grew the closer it got to the time of the exhibition. I wasn't sure that it was a good idea for me to be there as well but Rosalie had scoffed at my idea of not attending and told me that we had to show a united front in order for Bella to get over this hump. According to Rose, Bella needed all of us and that included me. It was in direct opposition to the warning she had given to me weeks ago about staying away from her sister but I guess things had changed and with it, even Rosalie's belief that I would do more damage than good.
When Bella finally arrived, flanked by Alice and Rose, my eyes hungrily ran over her frame, trying to ascertain what kind of condition she was in. From my spot across the room I could see that she had indeed lost weight and that her face was a little too gaunt but she was still the women I was ridiculously attracted to and I accepted that knowledge with reluctance. I was going to hell for my involuntary reaction to her.
Emmett was the first of her friends to approach and take her into a bone crunching hug. Without pause she hugged him back fervently and they held each other for a couple of minutes. That embrace had to be healing for both of them surely? Emmett let her go and Jasper leant in to give her a quick peck on the cheek. I moved slowly towards them all as Angela thanked Bella for coming and I listened as Bella told Angela that she would never miss out on such an important moment in her career. The smile she gave Angela was sincere, even through the sadness.
I stood waiting for them to finish their conversation and soon Bella was looking straight at me.
"Hi Bella," I forced myself to smile at her.
"Hi Edward. It's good to see that you're getting better," She glanced down at my hands and I automatically placed them behind my back, not because I was embarrassed by their redness from the burns but because I suddenly had the urge to reach out and pull her to myself in a hug like everyone else was able to so casually do.
Angela interrupted our interaction by guiding Bella towards a waitress to grab a drink and then ushering her around the room to take a look at the photos on display. I discretely watched her as she showed genuine interest in what Angela had achieved. Jasper was with me and I distractedly answered his questions about what I could see in each of the photos Angela had taken.
The night continued with someone always hovering around Bella and it made me happy to see small flashes of happiness peeking out from the sadness of her face. Maybe tonight would be a turning point for her. My hopes were later dashed when I noticed her standing alone away from the happy group who were all congratulating Angela and laughing about some of the times Angela had taken particular photos. She was staring at one photo as if she was looking right through it and I couldn't help but approach her.
"Angela has an amazing ability to capture the emotions in her photos, doesn't she?" Maybe if I distracted her that sad expression would leave and she could pretend she was feeling better again.
Bella turned her head and looked up at me through those dark eyelashes and nodded mutely. A few seconds followed of absolute silence as we stood there side by side looking at a picture that no longer held our attention. I had no idea what to say to her. Everything seemed either invasive or insincere. I lifted my glass up to my lips and my elbow accidently grazed Bella's arm which resulted in her gasping lowly. Before I could ask her if she was okay she was muttering.
"I can't do this. I have to get out of here. This is so wrong." She was about to flee from my side with horror stricken eyes and I quickly grabbed onto her arm so she couldn't escape.
"Bella," I pleaded for some kind of understanding of what I had done to undo all the hard work of tonight.
"Don't….don't touch me," The look of accusation in her eyes made me flinch and I immediately dropped my hand away from her arm.
"I'm sorry Bella." My contrition caused her to freeze and she groaned softly.
"No Edward. I should be saying sorry. This….." she waved her hand around "is way too hard. He should have been here too. It's too soon to be standing around laughing and making small chat with my friends. He's not here…..and…well…you are. And I just need to get out of here." She whispered the last words and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was her problem. I should have trusted my instincts when I thought I shouldn't have come.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?" My mouth was dry so the question came out gratingly. Her imploring eyes showed conflict and no words came out to deny what my question was asking. "Look Bella. I can leave. You need this. You need to be with your friends and try and move on with your life. This is your step….not mine. Please stay."
Without waiting for her response I left and quickly stalked out into the night air and as far away as Bella Swan as I could. The knowledge that I was causing her further turmoil made me feel sick to my stomach. It seemed that Rosalie's initial advice to stay away from Bella was going to have to be followed after all.
The following week dragged on slowly. I worked. I worried. I went to some counseling sessions with Jasper and then worried some more. Bella was never too far from my thoughts but I kept my promise to leave her alone. I didn't want to be the cause of her being uncomfortable. She needed her friends around her and if I was there she might feel the need to stay away. That wasn't going to happen because of me. No way.
Thursday night broke the monotony of my days by providing a friendly dinner and drinks with Jane at the Trinity. She was good company because she expected nothing from me. There was no expectation to flirt; there was no need to reveal parts of me I didn't want to. Jane was everything I needed tonight to help me alleviate the depression I could feel on the edges of my subconscious. I was not going to allow it to break through. I was here to help Jasper, not fall into my own form of self torture.
As the night progressed, Jane's brother Alec joined us and we continued our friendly banter and discussions about work. I excused myself to head to the bathroom but as I passed the bar I saw a sight that made me want to lash out at anything or anyone around me. Bella sat slumped on a stool, looking like she would fall off at any moment, and next to her James sat grinning as if he had just won the lotto. Whatever would possess her to be in the same company as that scumbag? She didn't want to be around me but when it came to the man who had so blatantly made it clear that he would take advantage of her any time they were together… well that was alright? I was seething as I made my way over to listen to their conversation.
"Bella. I think you have had enough to drink now. How about I take you home?" James suggested a slight sneer to his voice.
Over my dead body.
"Don't be a prude Mr .. whatever your name is…. I haven't had nearly enough yet." Bella looked at her glass cross eyed and took a great big swill of her drink. She shifted slightly on the stool and her body leant into James accidently. He reached up to put her back into her place.
No friggen way. Get your hands off her.
"Look you're obviously wanting to forget about things and I am more than willing to help you do that sweet cakes but here isn't actually the best place to do that." James ran his arm up Bella's arm in a sickening display of seduction. "I can help you forget."
I was literally going to rip his arms out of their sockets and shove them up his…..
"You can make me forget? Can you make me feel as well, cause that's what I really need." Bella's words slurred together but James and myself both understood what she was asking. Damn this could not be happening.
"Of course. I can make you feel anything you want baby."
Her response of okay only just registered in my mind as I went up behind Bella and stared down at the leech James. He had overstepped the mark when he chose to try and have his way with a drunk girl who was still grieving for her fiancé. No way was I putting up with that crap.
"What do you think you're doing?" I snarled at James who had the audacity to smirk at me over Bella's shoulder.
"Looking after our Bella here. Seems she needed a little company. Nothing for you to be concerned about."
Bella leant her head back and squinted up at me so that I was upside down to her gaze. Her eyes narrowed until she shook her head at me and then returned her attention to James who was smiling even wider now.
Did he not understand that I was about to fucking kill him?
"Just ignore him. He's always in my….he's always in my head." She took another swig of her drink and then closed her eyes tightly as she tapped her head in agitation. "Nothing gets rid of him…..even though he shouldn't be there." I moved away from her back and stood beside the two of them so that I could see what she was doing. I was confused. She opened her eyes and grinned at James. "Do you ever see things that aren't really there?" Bella had gripped James shoulder to steady herself as she leant in and whispered conspiratorially to him.
"I can't say I ever have Bella." He answered clearly amused by her ravings. I, however, was not and I was even more put out by the fact that she was allowing herself to be that close to someone I knew she abhorred.
"It's annoying," She giggled and then frowned at James. "Except how are you seeing my hallucination Mr….Mr. what's your name again?"
I'd had enough. "His name is James, Bella and he can see me because I am not a hallucination. It's Edward. I'm here." James chuckled at the look of surprise on Bella's face and I shoved him backwards so that he was no longer touching her. "What kind of sick person are you James. She is so drunk she isn't even aware that it's you she is talking to."
Bella pitched forwards and I grabbed her around the waist to stop her from falling completely off the seat. She took a deep breath and then relaxed into the crook of my arm so that her face was buried into my chest. How much had she had to drink? She was way beyond drunk.
"She seemed happy enough to be with me before you turned up," He was taunting me, thinking that we were being watched closely by the bartender now and that I wouldn't want to make a scene. He was wrong about that though. I would make a scene if I needed to do so in order to keep Bella safe from his sleazy advances. If he didn't back off right now I was going to pummel him like I had never done to anyone before. Bella chose that moment to lift her head and sigh. It reverberated against my neck, making me aware that I couldn't let her go without risking her completely collapsing. Smashing James into smithereens came second against the need to make sure Bella was okay. I tightened my hold on her and ignored my need to hurt James.
" I know who you are Edward." She rolled her eyes dramatically at me as she finally caught up on my previous words from five minutes ago. "Why is it that his face…" and she stopped for a moment to point at James' smug face "…is kind of blurry and non existent but your face…." Her fingers were now on my face clutching at my chin in a death grip so that her face was right in mine "…. your face is perfectly clear to me? Doesn't make any sense. It's all very, very wrong."
"Come on Bella. I'm going to take you home so that you can sleep this off," I spoke as gently as possible to her, even though I was extremely confused and angry inside. She tilted her head and searched my face as if she was uncertain of what I was saying.
"So it's alright for you to take her home but I am the big bad wolf for wanting to do the same thing for her," I chose to ignore James snide remark and asked the relieved bar tender for a glass of water and encouraged Bella to drink it. Only when she started to gulp the water down did I turn back to James.
"I have no intention of taking advantage of her state of mind and her drunkenness, James, unlike you."
"Sure, sure. You can't tell me that you wouldn't want her in that way. You've wanted her all along, even before Peter died. "
"Whatever. Don't put me in the same league as you James. I actually care what happens to Bella and right now the best thing for her is to get out of here, away from you."
"Yes and right into your bed hey Edward. We're not so different after all." James was a spiteful man who I wished I could bring down a notch or two but instead of showing him how much I disliked him I concentrated on pulling Bella up off the stool and allowed her to lean into my body heavily.
"Edward?" Bella spoke weakly.
"It's okay Bella. I've got you."
"I don't feel so good. I want to go home."
"No problem sweetheart. You will be fine I promise," I started walking towards the door but James reached up to stop me from moving. I snarled at him in exasperation, knowing he was going to take one last dig at me because he had missed out on what he had wanted all night.
"Is everything alright here," Alec and Jane had made their way over to me and Alec was asking the question.
"Fine but I need to get my friend here home and I can't deal with this slime ball in the way that I want."
Bella hiccupped slightly and faced Alec and Jane. "Who are you two….or three… or four? Gosh there are hundreds of you. Do I know you? You know life sucks, right? Because my fiancé's dead and that guy there is kind of sleazy and this guy here should not have any kind of impact but….hell, he does anyway and now I have to go home with him…..and that guy there seems to think that I am just going to…."
Jane's eyes flicked over Bella with sympathy. "You go and look after her Edward. Alec and I can entertain the slime ball."
My relief was palpable. There was now a clear path for us to get out of here. One last bit of advice had to be delivered.
"James I've told you this before but you didn't heed the warning. Stay away from Bella or else next time I will make sure my hands are free and I will make you regret not listening. Jane, be careful with this one; he isn't any kind of decent person."
I didn't wait for his answer and knew without a doubt that Alec was having a few words of his own to say to him. I knew that James would be sorted and I could concentrate entirely on the girl in my arms.
Bella fell asleep in the cab drive back to her apartment and I took the opportunity to study her. She was pale and the dark circles under her eyes told me that she hadn't been sleeping well. She whimpered softly in her sleep and I clutched her more tightly to reassure her that she wasn't alone. Even in her drunken, less than perfect state she was beautiful. I dipped my hand into the small bag she had slung across her shoulder and pulled out her keys, knowing she was in no condition to be doing it herself. The apartment was in complete darkness when I carried her through the door. Alice and Jasper had left earlier today for a long weekend in California so that Jasper could make some arrangements about his extended leave. Tomorrow he would be assessed by the military psychologist to determine where his future was heading. Bella had apparently used the opportunity of not having her sister at home to hit the bottle something fierce. I made straight for the kitchen to see if I could find something that would somewhat relieve the monster hangover she would no doubt have tomorrow when she woke up.
"You smell good," Bella sighed into my chest and I froze with her words.
"Um…. thanks," I gently placed her feet onto the ground but didn't relinquish my hold on her. I used one free hand to grab a glass and turned the tap on to fill it up. "Here, sit down for a moment."
She drunkenly sat down and put her head into the circle of her arms that were now lying on the table. I could hear her labored breathing as I fished around in her cupboards.
"Edward?"
"Hmmm."
"What's going on?" She sounded so groggy and uncertain.
"You were at the Trinity and had a bit too much to drink so I've brought you back home," I explained patiently.
"No. What's going on between us? You know, with all the sparkly crap and stuff, the whole tingly down to my toes whenever you are near garbage that only belongs in those unrealistic romance books that teenagers and hard done by wives read. The electricity…..the awareness? What is going on with that?"
It's our body's way of saying that we're meant to be together?
Don't go there Edward. Too much. Too drunk. Too wrong.
"Um. I am not so sure…. well what I mean is….."
Bella lunged out of her seat and instantly tripped over her own feet so that I was forced to reach out and halt her fall. The sparkly crap she was talking about- definitely there.
"Why do I want to kiss you so badly?" Her whispered words, combined with the darkening of her eyes were nearly my undoing but then I remembered where we were and the condition she was in.
"Probably because you are drunk," I tried to ignore her hand that was now making its way to the back of my head as if she could tangle her fingers through my hair and pull me down to her level, but it just felt so incredibly good. "Bella, you need to stop because this isn't what you really want. It's the drink talking and the loneliness. I could be anyone and you would still be asking that question."
"Really because I kind of feel quite in control at the moment and I am pretty sure I know exactly who you are," Her lips were only centimeters away from mine and I could feel her breath mingling with my own. I was becoming desperate for a way to stop her from pressing those lips to mine because I had a lot of doubt in my own control if she got any closer to me.
Must resist…not imagining those full lips against mine….not thinking about the taste of her…no not at all.
"Yeah well you weren't so in control half an hour ago when you were about to go home with James and do god knows what with the man you profess to hate." The words were harsh but they had the desired effect and Bella froze as if I had slapped her.
"W…what?"
"James. You know. Peter's scumbag cousin. You were this close to actually allowing all his dreams to come true and have his way with you. Sad thing is Bella that you didn't even realize who he was."
"No. No way. There is absolutely no way I would go anywhere with that piece of…." Bella suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh god I think….. I think I am going to be sick."
Thinking quickly I grabbed her body and twisted it so that she was leaning over the kitchen sink. I held her hair back from her face as she let out a huge proportion of what she had been drinking tonight. I could hear her quiet sobs in between the heaving and I felt bad that I had been so brutal in relating to her what she had done. I rubbed her back to try and make up for my part in making her feel ill. Finally her heaves became small shudders and she seemed like she had purged all that she could. I passed her a towel to wipe her face with and when she turned to face me again she could hardly look at me.
"I can't….. I can't believe I let that pig of a man anywhere near me. God Peter would be so disappointed in me." Her whole stance was dejected and the protective part of me came out to offer her his assistance.
"Don't think about it. You're safe now and Peter would understand that you went a little overboard because you are missing him."
Bella rubbed her face and I suggested that her bed was probably the best place for her right now. She agreed sluggishly and I guided her to her room. Flicking the light on I led Bella over to her bed which she instantly fell on, taking me with her when she wouldn't let go of me. I scampered away from her as quickly as possible so that I didn't have to have another silent argument between my brain and my body about right and wrong. Bella looked at me through half closed eyes and sighed petulantly. I could tell that she was not going to move again so I set about taking off her shoes.
"I should be a married woman by now, you know."
The second shoe came off. "I know,"
"I wouldn't have been a good wife." Bella flung one arm across her eyes as if she was trying to block out the world.
"Of course you would have been."
She lifted her arm slightly and squinted up at me. "Nu uh. Peter deserved better than me. I am so not a good person."
I stared at her in mute denial of what she was saying. I watched as the rising and falling of her chest began to even out and I realized that I needed to speak before she fell entirely asleep.
"What do you mean you're not a good person?"
Silence followed my question and I thought she must have succumbed to sleep so I was surprised when she suddenly spoke again, even though her tone and inflection told me she was not really with it.
"Because he's dead…. And I loved him so much…but I had….have….. these thoughts and feelings that I shouldn't… and he knew…..and I can never make up for it now and….."
"Bella. I am pretty sure that what you're describing is normal for someone who has lost someone close to them. You can't beat yourself up about it."
"You don't understand," I literally had to put my ear right up to her mouth as she spoke because she had curled in on herself and her voice had become even more sluggish, if that was even possible. " He deserved better than the way I loved him….way, way better. I didn't love him the right way."
Silence, except for her breathing. Mine didn't count because I was holding my breath.
She told James that I was always in her head.
She told me that I was the one she could see clearly.
She just whispered that she didn't love him the right way?
And shoot. What was that even supposed to mean?
I wasn't sure what I was meant to do. I had already cleaned up the kitchen, and in particular had disinfected the sink. There was no way Bella was going to cope with doing that kind of thing in the morning and it at least gave me a small sense that I was helping her. I had thrown away an empty bottle of vodka that Bella must have consumed before she even left this evening. It was no wonder she was so unable to discern who she was with and what she was doing when I first encountered her in the bar. She had definitely been on a mission and thankfully it hadn't ended with her at James' place. She would never have forgiven herself for that one.
And I would have had to make him pay….I so desperately wanted to make him pay.
Now I was standing at Bella's bedroom door wondering what my next move should be. I really couldn't leave her alone and it was pretty much too late to be ringing up Rosalie to come over and take care of her. Rosalie wouldn't care; I had already worked out that these sisters would do anything for one another but still it was….
"Edward?"
That one word was like a magnet for me to move straight to her side. Without thought I knelt down by the bed and reached for her hand.
"I'm here Bella. You're fine. Go back to sleep."
Her brown eyes widened as if she wasn't actually expecting me to be there. Her fingers tightened around mine. I wished I was in a position where I could smooth her hair back and whisper words of comfort whilst holding her but it wasn't something I could readily do, so I refrained.
"I'm sorry," She croaked and I wondered what exactly she was apologizing for. For being drunk? For throwing up? For letting James too close? For making me love her?
"Shush Bella. You will feel better in the morning. There's nothing to be sorry for." I stood up with the intention of giving her some privacy by moving into the lounge room but she clung to my hand with sudden determination.
"Don't leave me alone. Please Edward. I can't be alone. Stay."
And against my better judgment I did what she asked because really ….how could I do anything else?
