Mal knocked hard on Simon and Kaylee's door, trying to make himself heard. A muffled call floated up and Mal kicked the door inward.
"Doc, ain't seen you around." Mal greeted cheerfully. Andrew was lying on a mat, happily batting small beads that Simon was holding above him.
"No," Simon glanced up briefly before returning his gaze to his son, "Andrew won't settle, so I'm just, you know, keeping him busy."
"'m sure you'll find no shortage of volunteers to help with that if you wanted a break," Mal said pleasantly, "in fact, I'm offering. I figured you might be anxious to see your sister."
"I heard River was asleep," Simon said casually, not looking away from Andrew.
"Was not a moment ago," Mal smiled, "but she's up and about now an' asking after you. So how about I take this one off your hands for a while?"
"I don't…"
"C'mon doc, it can't hurt."
"But he's so happy at the moment," Simon smiled warmly at Andrew's excessively waving hands.
"I'll take good care of him," Mal sat down, taking the beads from Simon before he could protest, "go on, go see your sister."
"I…" Simon sighed, "Thanks Mal… I'll come back soon, I promise."
"No hurry," Mal looked up as Simon exited the room, noting the reluctance. He sighed, speaking his thoughts softly to Andrew.
"What's your Daddy scared of, huh? Has he told you?"
Andrew happily showed Mal how well he could use his vocal chords.
Simon went as slowly as he could, taking an excessively large amount of time to lift his feet up the stairs. He was planning to lose time crossing the kitchen too; maybe he'd get some water, find some food for Mal to feed Andrew… Simon was half planning how to avoid this, half planning what he'd say if he couldn't. He had no idea of what to do. Dread kept welling up in him; he knew that there would be one thing River would ask him. Why? Simon honestly didn't know how to answer that. He didn't know if he could without… Simon shook his head. He sighed as his feet found the even floor of the kitchen.
He was surprised to see Ben sitting there.
"Hi," Simon said. The boy looked up.
"Hi! Are you looking for River?" The boy asked enthusiastically.
"I… yeah, do you know where she is?"
"She's just gone back to bed," Ben said.
"Oh, well then I won't bother her," Simon felt relief flood through him.
"Are you sure? She really wouldn't mind, she's been wanting to see you. If you go down…"
"No, it's fine, thanks," Simon smiled, "I'll let her rest."
"Right…" Ben sighed, "Well, will you come back? I guess you're really busy, but she'll be really upset she missed you."
"I'll see how I go," Simon said. Ben beamed.
"Listen… I'm really sorry about yelling at you," The boy said, losing his vibrancy a bit. "I was scared, and I acted way too fast."
"It's fine," Simon smiled, "you're completely forgiven. Really I should be… thanking you. You got River out."
"Not soon enough," Ben sighed, "but yeah, we're out. That's what counts." He smiled slightly again.
"I've been meaning to ask you about that," Simon said, glancing up at Ben, "you said something like… uh, River couldn't have handled much more? Something along those lines?"
Ben paled a little. "Yeah… I said that."
"What did you mean?" Simon pushed. Ben sighed.
"I meant… " Ben hesitated, "How much of that question do you want answered?" he gave a weak laugh.
"Am I going to regret it if I say all?" Simon asked with equal humour. Ben gave another slightly apprehensive laugh.
"Probably," He sighed.
"I'd like to hear it anyway," Simon said quietly. Ben nodded.
"I figured." Ben paused. Sim watched the boy, letting him take his time.
"It's just…" Ben sighed, "I don't want you to think that I'm saying River's weak or anything. I mean she was always, always so strong. In herself, this is. She… was terrified; I know she was. She went through more than any of us. But she never let it show, no matter how much it hurt. River was still happy. She'd find something that would make her smile or to hold onto. She kept saying that we'd make it through, that we'd be okay…" Ben exhaled sharply and let his head drop into his hands a little; still free enough for Simon to hear him.
"A few months after she got there… it was like her body just gave out. She coded one time when they took her… didn't wake up for weeks and then… she kept getting weaker. I don't know what happened, because she was still happy, and herself… she just couldn't take the abuse. Do you know what I mean?"
Ben swallowed.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Simon sighed. His head was grinding; the guilt increasing tenfold "she couldn't handle it." Ben nodded.
"I don't like to think about it," he sighed, "She's okay now, we're out. I'm trying to remember to focus on that."
"Good idea," Simon sighed. "Thankyou for telling me… I'm guessing it would have been hard."
"its fine," Ben smiled, "you're her brother, I'd want to know too."
"I'd better get back," Simon said hesitantly, but Ben seemed to find this reasonable.
"I'll speak to you later then," he said, "Will you try and come back? River will be mad she missed you."
"I'll see," Simon said again. Ben nodded.
Simon carefully walked out of the kitchen, tyring not to look back. His face was pale and his head still pounded with the words. He was feeling quite sick; and wished not for the first time in the last two days that his sister had never come onto Serenity.
