"So Matilda Grace…." Adam scooped some warm water over her stomach and watched as she squirmed in his arms, her little arms and legs kicking wildly. The bath was full enough so that she was floating in the water, which she loved and he chuckled as she splashed so much that she spluttered a little when the water landed on her face. "It's a big day tomorrow for you and for Daddy." She smiled up at him and he waited for her to respond. "I know baby; Daddy's going to miss you too, so much."

Initially he would be excused from the late nights and weekend work but that couldn't last forever and nor did he want it to. It wasn't fair to everyone else in the team if he didn't pull his weight. He had no right to stay in Intelligence if he couldn't do his job however much he appreciated the effort they were all putting in for him and Matilda.

His mother would have her three days a week and his Dad and Stepmother had her for one and Amanda had cut back her work one day a week to take care of Matilda. Once she was a little older he would look for a Day Care centre or Nanny to help out but he wasn't ready to hand her over to strangers just yet.

Matilda snuggled into his arms for her last feed and when she drifted off to sleep he held onto her for a while. "I think your mom would be proud of both of us." He whispered. "We have done okay. I am not fucking you up too much am I?" Everyone kept telling him that he was doing a good job but in the back of his mind was always a nagging doubt that he could do better or that there was something else he should be doing. "I know she would be proud of you because you are a little superstar."

He still hated the nights; that was when he missed Kim the most. Once Matilda was asleep the place always seemed too quiet and empty. His mind would drift off and he could imagine them collapsing on the couch together at the end of a long day and laughing at how they were barely functioning as human beings and parents. He would fall sleep on the couch for as long as possible to avoid going to his empty bed and when he finally crawled into bed he would fall asleep clutching the wedding ring around his neck and worry about how he was going to make it through another day without her.

They had got married not long after they found out they were pregnant. It wasn't Kim who pushed for the wedding; it was Adam. He didn't like the thought of not being married to the mother of his child; it felt unnatural all of a sudden. When they talked about trying for a baby it didn't even cross his mind but once that test came back positive he needed to marry her. It had been a year since they finally agreed to put the whole Roman fiasco behind them and give it another go and they had decided to not think about getting married just yet, to focus on just putting their relationship back together and once they had done that they had just slipped comfortably into life. Obviously they had both done a lot of growing up and soul searching and learnt to communicate much better this time around.

It was planned in a rush and Adam had suddenly found himself in a flurry of wedding planning with a determined Platt leading the charge. She had no intention of letting him bail on this one. Kim was keen to get it over and done with before she was the 'side of a house'. They had one of the best days of their lives, their wedding day was perfect and he had never seen Kim look so happy or beautiful. He cherished those memories and her wedding ring around his neck. His ring was still securely on his finger and he had no intention of taking that off anytime soon, it kept her close. And Matilda; they were forever linked by her. The girl they made together.

Before he started back at work he did the one job he was dreading. He couldn't bear to walk into his room some days and open their closet. Seeing all her clothes still hanging untouched for months felt like he was being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. His mother offered to help but it was something he needed to get through by himself. It was going to hurt, he was going to cry and he didn't want anyone to see that. He pulled out every piece and let the memories crash over him in waves. The dress she wore when they celebrated their engagement, her work clothes and her gym gear, they all held different memories for him. Some still held the lingering smell of her perfume and he held them close and breathed it all in.

Matilda stirred and he sat on the floor amongst her stuff while he fed her and then worked through her jewellery, picking out pieces to give to her sister and Zoe and things he wanted to keep for Matilda. He also put something aside for Erin, to thank her for being Kim's friend and for being in Matilda's guardian angel when he couldn't.

It was a long day that left him emotionally battered and bruised. What he was noticing though was despite the moments that still hurt like nothing else he could pick himself up quicker and get back to living. It was another reason he was grateful that he had Matilda; he couldn't wallow in his grief for long because she needed him to be on his game. She needed him to be everything.

When Matilda woke early the next morning he was happy to have her in bed with him for an hour before he had to get up. From the moment he opened his eyes he knew this day was already going to be harder than he expected. Leaving Matilda and going back to work and back to the memories of her mother felt almost insurmountable. It was the place he met her and fell in love with her. They had flirted and danced around each other for months. He was engaged to Wendy at the time but the moment he met Kim he knew something wasn't right and when Wendy finally broke it off he felt guilty because all he felt was relief. He knew Kim was right for him; she fitted him best, she made him better. He was a better version of himself because of Kim. It obviously hadn't been all smooth sailing but he had loved her like no other.

When they broke up he never imagined anything hurting as much as that did but then again you don't imagine having to deal with death. The wedding vow of 'til death us do part was meant to mean years not months, they were supposed to grow old together and watch their children grow into adults. Within six months of being married he was a widow. When he had envisaged his future this was not something he ever imagined and he had no idea how he was supposed to manage it.

One thing he did do before he went back to work was sort out Matilda's future. He had mulled over it for weeks trying to imagine what Kim would want and what was best for her and it always came back to the same thing. They had been lucky, in one sense that they had so many people willing to step up and help but that was the easy part. He knew that she had so many people who would do anything for her, but would they be willing to take that on full time if the worse should happen?

Going back to work wasn't an option and he had no hesitation in that regard. He needed to keep living his life too but that didn't mean he didn't worry about Matilda. Both his parents had made sure that it was top of mind by trying to talk him out of starting back with Intelligence, that Matilda was his number one priority now and he had to do what was best for her. It was a slap in the face that they thought he wasn't thinking of her, everything he did now was for Matilda and she deserved him to be the best Dad he could be and to do that he needed to be happy and working in Intelligence made him happy.

Amanda's tears were not unexpected. "I know I am asking something huge of both of you and you don't have to answer right away, but I want to know if something happens to me that you will take care of Matilda."

"Adam, of course we will." She looked at Peter who was nodding without hesitation. They didn't need to even think about it. "But nothing is going to happen to you. I know it."

"I certainly hope so and I plan on walking her down the aisle one day but I just wanted to make sure. I know it would be what Kim would want too."

Clipping his star to his belt was comforting, he turned it over in his hand a few times before slipping it into it's familiar position on his hip, it was comforting and something he felt he was good at. He was good at being a cop. He didn't know if he was good at being a father but he was trying his best and he hoped his best was good enough. He knew he still had mountains to climb and going back to work was one of those mountains. They had no idea if he could make it work. Sure there were millions of single parents in the world and they all managed and he knew it was going to be hard and he actually liked being home with Matilda; it felt safe. He was leaving his safe place.

He turned his head when Matilda started babbling. She had really found her voice in the last week and she would often respond to Adam when he spoke and he was going to miss their chats during the day. He hoped that she would be up for a chat when he got home, they would have a lot to talk about. Right now however she was having a 'conversation' with her hands. "What's that?" he asked her as he picked her up off her floor rug and held her up in the air before bringing her down to kiss her nose. "You going to miss me too?"

Al was waiting for him, leaning against the trunk of his car and handed him a coffee when he arrived. "So, who cried more?"

"Me, obviously me. Matilda didn't care." They sat on the trunk for a few moments. Al watched him from the corner of his eye; they needed to make sure, for all their benefit that he was able to do this. If he couldn't, if he decided at any point that this wasn't for him anymore that was okay but they didn't want to find that out when it was too late.

"You ready?"

"It seems a little surreal to be honest but I think I need this. We both do."

"We've missed you. The place is quiet without you annoying the crap out of me. You keep me young." Adam fell silent, trying to psych himself up for the day ahead until Al patted him on the back. "Come on let's go."

"Well Well. Look who's back?" Platt peered over the tops of her glasses. "If it isn't my most annoying Intelligence Officer. How long before you start giving me grey hairs again?"

"It's good to see you too." He winked at her on his way up the stairs.

"Hey." She called out. "Don't think you are getting past me without some kind of photo ID."

"You know who I am." Adam paused with one foot on the bottom step and looked back over his shoulder at Platt.

"Not of you." She rolled her eyes. "Although I know you've always been more than a little happy with yourself. Matilda, unless she is starting to look a little too much like a Ruzek and if that's the case then keep walking."

He showed Platt a video of Matilda 'talking' that he had taken last night as she lay in his lap. "Happy now?"

"It'll do for now."

As a few more people started to wander through and started to welcome him back until Al tugged on his elbow. "We've got work to do." And they retreated upstairs. Ruzek hadn't said anything but Al had the feeling that this was going to get on his nerves very quickly. Feeling pitied had always been one of his biggest fears; he hated seeing that look in people's eyes. He didn't need it. People didn't need to remind him of what he had lost; he had felt it every minute of every day for the past three months. He carried it with him constantly, the ache in his chest and the overwhelming sense of loneliness he endured lying in bed at night and waking up alone each morning.

"Welcome back Bud." Jay slapped him on the back as came out of the locker room and passed him on the way to his desk. "Ready?"

"As I will ever be. I am kinda hoping something jumps off, just something easy so that I can stop worrying about not being at home and missing Matilda."

He ran up the stairs to his apartment at the end of the day. He had spoken to his mother half a dozen times throughout the day and Matilda was fine but he couldn't wait to see her. It was the longest he had been away from her in almost three months. Adam was disappointed that she was asleep when he got home. "How long has she been asleep?"

"Half hour." Janet had written down her whole day. Adam liked details, he felt in control with details. What time she slept, what time she was fed and all the other little details that a few months ago would have sent him running from the room. He had never been known for his organisational skills or his attention to detail.

"How was work?"

"It felt weird being back but it wasn't long before something jumped off and we were out the door and the day flew by after that. I certainly hit the ground running and I am shot to bits."

He grabbed a shower once his mother left and then bounced around anxiously waiting for her to wake. The first noise she made he was in there in a flash. "Ah my baby girl." He scooped her up and clutched her to his chest, breathing her in. "I missed you so much."

They lay down on the floor together and chatted away to each other. He smothered her with kisses, tickled her toes and did absolutely nothing other than 'hang with his girl' until she decided that enough was enough and then it was time for her bath and bed. After he fed her he was happy to lie on the couch with her asleep on his chest while he watched TV. The few hours he had spent with her weren't enough.

"We did it Darlin'." He kissed her cheek as he tucked her up into her bed. "Day one done and dusted."

By the end of the week he was exhausted. Work had been full on, and when he was there he busted his arse even taking reports home to get them done once Matilda was settled. He was determined to pull his weight. One thing that had been good was they were so busy that he didn't have much time to give into the memories of Kim at work. He avoided the locker room as much as possible and chose to use the back entrance in preference of going through the front foyer. Seeing the Patrol Officers coming and going was a little jarring especially when he saw Kim's partner, Julie with her new sidekick.

Matilda, in general slept pretty well at night. Usually when he hauled himself up off the couch around midnight he would give her a small dream feed and that tended to get her through until about 630am or 7am if he was lucky. Some nights it didn't work but in the main she was good and for that he was grateful.

Being a single parent was by far the hardest thing he had ever done. His day started somewhere around 6am so that he could have a shower and a coffee at least before Matilda woke and he fed her before he left for work. His mother looked after her at his place but he did drop her off at his father's place on the way in and Amanda would meet him at the District and take her home. That at least gave Platt and the others the chance to see her if they were around.

Most nights he got home somewhere between five or six. It took everything he had to be fully focussed at work and then switch off and give Matilda everything she needed and deserved when he was at home.

No one could ever accuse him of not trying his best. He was giving it everything he had.