Sorry for the long delay. Finally back home and partially settled. It's weird being back.


Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:

Once only known as "shell shock", a vague condition affecting war veterans, PTSD is now recognized as an anxiety disorder brought on by a traumatic event.

Currently PTSD affects an estimated 2.2% of the population (7.7 million) and 11-20% of veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars (300,000 people).

10% of women and 5% of men will develop PTSD in their lifetime.

7-8% of the population will experience PTSD at some point in their lifetime.

55-70% of the population will experience a traumatic event in their lifetime.

While there are effective treatments available, many people, especially veterans, do not seek or receive help for the condition.

The causes of PTSD begin with a traumatic event such as:

- An attack or assault

- A serious accident

- A natural disaster

- A terrorist attack

- Combat

- The death of a loved one

Not everyone who experiences a traumatic event will develop the disorder. PTSD is more likely to arise if:

- The person was directly exposed to the trauma as a victim or a witness.

- During the event, the person believed they or a loved one was in danger.

- The person had a severe reaction during the event, such as crying, shaking, vomiting, or feeling apart from their surroundings.

- The trauma is long-lasting or severe.

- The person experienced additional trauma early in life.

- The person felt helpless during a trauma.

- The person was seriously hurt during an event.

When we are exposed to danger, our body undergoes split second changes such as increased heartbeat and raised adrenaline levels, to help us cope. When you have PTSD, the response is changed or broken and can be triggered when there is no danger present.

Symptoms of PTSD:

- Anger

- Flashbacks

- Emotionally numb

- Insomnia

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Nightmares

- Violent outbursts

- Poor memory

- Frightening thoughts

- Feeling tense or "on edge"

- Avoiding things related to the experience

- Guilt

Symptoms can be triggered by people, places and things related to the trauma.

Symptoms can appear days, weeks, months or years after the traumatic event. Over time, these symptoms can lead to:

- Unemployment

- Drug and alcohol abuse

- Alienation from friends and family

- Homelessness

- Violence against self and others

PTSD, Alcohol, and Drug Abuse:

While alcohol and drug use by active members of the military has gone down over the past 30 years, studies suggest that it may be rising among veterans with PTSD.

Up to 80% of Vietnam veterans seeking PTSD treatment abuse alcohol.

Adolescents with PTSD are 4 times more likely than adolescents without PTSD to experience alcohol abuse or dependence. They are 6 times more likely to experience marijuana abuse or dependence and 9 times more likely to experience hard drug abuse or dependence.

PTSD and the Military:

10% of all Gulf War veterans suffer from PTSD.

11-20% of all veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars.

30% of all Vietnam veterans.

Before PTSD was recognized as an anxiety disorder, 24% of Korean War and 37% of World War II soldiers who saw direct combat were discharged for psychiatric reasons.

Combat is not the only cause of PTSD.

55% of women in the military have reported sexual harassment while serving and 23% have reported sexual assault.

38% of men in the military have experienced sexual harassment while serving.

PTSD is more likely to develop if a service member killed or believed they killed someone else, than if they felt their own life was at risk.

PTSD has been noted in every American war, but it was only recognized as a distinct disorder in the 1980's.

Studies report that as many as two-thirds of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans suffering from PTSD may not be receiving treatment.

Some veterans may be denied care for their condition, while others do not seek treatment because:

- They fear it will lead colleagues or bosses to lose respect for them or lose confidence in them.

- They fear it will hurt their careers.

- They are concerned about the side effects of medication.

- They are concerned about the cost and effectiveness of therapy.

Treatment Options for PTSD:

- Counseling and psychotherapy

- Prescription drugs (for some symptoms)

- Exposure therapy (re-imagining events in a safe environment)

- Group therapy


People are glad to see her.

But it's not a "hey, I'm glad you're back from vacation or college". No, it's more of a "I'm glad to see you're alive, let's drink to that".

So Jane gulps down every free drink she gets from the people who keep thanking her for her service at the local bar, and then she orders some more to keep the grimace of a smile on her face as she thanks them for their support. They clasp her hand and heartily embrace her like a hero, and Jane flinches every time someone sneaks up on her or yells her name. She ends up dragging Maura to a decently sized corner and just sits there with her eyes closed; Maura curled up under her arm and Maura's hand squeezing her knee, anchoring her.

They ask her all sorts of questions, what Afghanistan was like, how the "Afghanis" acted, like they weren't real people as well, but just foreign attractions at a zoo that civilians oohhed and ahhed over while being simultaneously frightened but intrigued. Jane's not surprised at the level of ignorance that civilians show when talking about the war.

They always talk about how the president this, this political party that, how the war is dumb but they support her. Jane wants to sneer about the fact that she doesn't care about their opinions, because she didn't go overseas for the president or because she believed in the war, but because of the group of people who were at her side every time she rolled out that gate in Afghanistan.

Instead, she just washes down her retorts with another mouthful of her drink, and doesn't bother smiling so Maura smiles politely for her instead.

People ask if she's killed anyone and Jane manages to brush the variations of the question off until she hears some college students mockingly ask her again a couple tables over.

She carefully sets her drink down, ignoring the pleading look in Maura's eyes, and walks over to their table. A hush settles when people see her get up and stop in front of the college students. They stare up at her with contempt, but Jane catches the fear in the eyes. She hasn't forgotten how intimidating she looks when she's trying. Jane makes sure everyone can hear her when she begins to speak.

"Does your mother prefer anal or oral sex? Because that's basically how appropriate that question is. If you don't get your ass kicked or ignored, you'll get one of three answers."

Jane ticks each one off on her hand. Their eyes flicker back and forth between her hands and her face. They see the scar peeking out the neck of her shirt.

"One – the veteran you're asking will say no and they'll think less of themselves for not falling into your misinformed and naïve definition of a veteran as someone who should have killed another human being in order to be a 'real soldier'."

"Two – they actually have killed someone and by asking them that question, you're bringing up memories that they've been trying to forget or trying to resolve the guilt of having killed someone in order to save their battle buddy next to them."

"Or three – you get the guy who actually enjoyed their job and the exhilarating feeling of ending someone else's life and they just regret that they couldn't get that one knife kill."

When she smiles, it's not really a smile, it's more of a flash of her teeth and for a second, her face changes into something wolfish and unrecognizable and then disappears. But when everyone in that bar looked at Jane, they didn't see the innocence of someone who'd never killed – they just weren't sure which of the last two she was.

"Which one do you think I am?"

The look on her face could have been feigned, but when Maura quietly asks her later, Jane just shrugs. She's not quite sure herself.

War is something you can leave, but it never really leaves you, Jane realizes. She's home, but she isn't really back. She always has Afghanistan to think about.


There's a mountain of pamphlets and booklets and packets on the table in front of her and Maura even brought her laptop to the kitchen to show Jane the research she's been doing.

Neither of them have actually come out and actually said what's wrong, and Jane instantly becomes defensive whenever someone mentions PTSD. Maura's not sure what it really is, the stigma, or Jane thinking that it'll go away on its own. Maura notices and she carefully shelves it in her mind and she takes note of every little symptom and behavior Jane exhibits and she remembers. Jane is in the throes of PTSD, but she clings onto her denial so tightly, Maura occasionally catches glimpses the moon-shaped indents on the palms of Jane's hands.

Maura sits in front of Jane and slowly explains all the Veterans Administration's benefits and treatments. She learns that the first thing she can do is learn more about PTSD and how it is affecting Jane. Maura talks about the VA and therapy and group therapy, family therapy, group meetings, the medication she could expect.

Jane tries, she really does. She focuses on Maura's lips and her hands shuffling the papers on the table and the scrolling on the laptop, but eventually, her focus fades in and out. She zones out and she jolts back a couple seconds later, but sometimes it takes longer than a couple seconds and Maura notices the blank look on her face and then Jane has to reassure her that she's listening.

Nowadays, lying comes too easily. 'I'm fine' falls from her lips more frequently than 'I love you'.

Maura's voice seems to be muffled, Jane knows she's speaking clearly, but it's as if her head's been dunked underwater and Jane's not sure if she's drowning or if she's been like this the whole time, but she just tricked herself into thinking that she's been warily treading water. Jane listens to Maura drone on and on and she wonders how long it's been, and occasionally she'll catch a few specific words that'll make her bristle. She's not really hearing Maura ,no, it's like a low murmur, a constant buzzing, kind of distorted and indistinct.

Jane knows she's lucky to have Maura. Maura's so sweet and patient and understanding and Jane is damaged and ugly and angry all the damn time. Sometimes she can't eat, sometimes (all the time) she'll drink enough alcohol in a week that would supply the entire city Boston for a month, and sometimes she's afraid to go to bed in case she gets waken up by images of dead bodies and nightmares, but when she does fall asleep she'll wake up with her heart racing a million miles a minute and all she can do is cry. Jane had never been the sort of person to cry easily, but now she cries all the time. She sleeps with her pistol wedged in between the mattress and the bed frame, the grip sticking out for easy access.

Afghanistan was easy and she'd rather be back in Afghanistan. All she had to worry about was getting blown up or shot and there was no stupid bullshit like worrying whether the butcher had your free range chicken breasts or whether the bank had closed early. Overseas, she lived two hours out because in Afghanistan, sometimes only two hours was the guarantee and sometimes even two hours wasn't guaranteed. She's so emotionally present-focused, it's like being stuck in a loop over and over again, a broken record that no one could fix and she didn't know where the problem's coming from.

She knows she's fucked up, she does, even if she pretends that she isn't. Jane's just trying not to put it all on Maura because her sweet, beautiful girlfriend is trying to do everything she can to help her and all Jane can do is get angry and pick fights and throw and hit things. She almost hits Maura one day, and she's so ashamed and terrified of herself and what she could do that she locks herself in the workout room and comes out 6 hours later, hands bloody, the heavy bag ripped off its chain, all cried out and begging Maura for forgiveness. Jane doesn't know what she would do if she physically laid hands on Maura, but she knows she wouldn't forgive herself.

It would be so easy for Jane to die for Maura because she loves her. Living for Maura, which is what she wants, is so much harder. It's even harder because Maura is so smart and she doesn't need anyone to rescue her, which is what Jane is best at, rescuing those in need. It's all she knows how to do and she does it really well. Jane questions whether Maura needs her at all and she knows Maura could do so much better.

If there was a hero to this story, Maura would be it. Maura's gentle and loving and everything Jane doesn't deserve.


"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
Bertrand Russell