Chapter Eleven
"That's close enough." I stirred slightly at Jasper's heated whisper, hating the fact that I'd been woken up. I whimpered, taking a waking breath and rubbing my nose a little with my fingers, as my hair was tickling it.
"Aw," Emmett sighed, "You woke her up."
Frowning a little, I opened my eyes, and I noticed how I laid. Somehow, I'd been cocooned in the blanket, but Esme held me in her arms. Safely laying across her lap. I looked up at her briefly, wondering how long she'd been holding me.
She'd been able to move me without me waking up, which hadn't happened in awhile. I didn't mind this. I recognized her arms holding me the second I was conscious, so I never got worried.
I was sort of curled, my arms tucked to my chest in the blanket. It didn't bother me, but I had to turn to look back at those watching me. Jasper was closest, but he wasn't watching me. He was watching Mikah.
As much as I wanted to say it was over, though, I'd dreamed about my mom while I slept. It wasn't so bad, considering what else I could have dreamed about, but it still bothered me.
"Uh-oh." Emmett muttered, "I know that look." I rolled forward again. Hiding my face in the blanket for a moment.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Esme asked, but it didn't surprise me that she'd noticed.
Seeing my mom again had obviously upset me more than I wanted to admit, but I couldn't help admitting it now. I understood, but I didn't want to. I wanted to keep hating her. I wanted to hate her for what I was put through because of her. I wanted to hate her for everything I had to do for her. I wanted to hate her, because I was the one that took care of her all that time, and it wasn't fair.
I hated the way it still hurt, and I hated the way I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Being let down that badly for so long was something I'd probably never get over.
While I dreamed, I also figured out what bothered me so much about the baby. I figured out why I hated him so much. It wasn't just that he was Jack's son. It wasn't knowing exactly how that baby was made, as much as that grossed me out.
It was that I'd been replaced. As soon as possible, she'd replaced me. Just like my dad had. That was a tough thing to come to terms with.
Taking a breath, I looked back again at everyone standing there, and sat up on Esme's lap. Fixing my shirt as I did so, as it started choking me.
"You okay, shorty?" Emmett asked.
"Yeah." I replied, "Just not used to being stared at while I'm asleep." He smirked. He knew by the way I joked that I was okay. I took the opportunity to stretch a little. After being so curled up, it felt nice.
I smiled a little as I saw Mikah, and he returned it. They'd let him inside again, but apparently, Jasper didn't like Mikah this close. Hardly arms length, but it was enough to make Jasper uncomfortable.
"Whatever Eddy did to that song," Emmett muttered, "He needs to do it again."
"It's apparently something he's been thinking about for awhile." Jasper replied.
"It was gorgeous." Esme spoke up as she smoothed my hair in the back, "Easily one of his best, in my opinion."
"Only because he wrote it for shorty." Emmett laughed a little.
"Not only." She corrected, "But I do think it was sweet of him to do that for her."
I chose to stay sitting right where I was. I was comfortable here.
"I still need to thank him." I mumbled, giving a glance around, "He likes to disappear before I can do that." It was at that moment that I realized how long I'd slept. It was dark outside now, darkness replacing the daylight that had been there when I'd fallen asleep.
I wasn't exactly complaining. I hadn't expected to see Mikah so soon. I thought I'd have to wait a little while before he'd be ready to come back here.
"How are you feeling?" Esme asked, and I knew why she'd ask.
"I'm okay." I mumbled, looking down.
"You dreamed, though." Emmett said, "Didn't you?"
"Yeah." I replied, "But not about anything important. That song probably won't work again, though."
"You don't know that." Esme reasoned, "I think it's worth another try." I lightly rubbed my eyes for a second, before looking around.
"Where's Carlisle?" I wanted to ask him how the talk with Alyssa's dad went. I never got to that.
"He's in New York." She replied, "Apparently, Alyssa running away like that was enough to convince Grant to take the money." I smiled. That was good news. I liked good news. Especially now.
"He'll be back tomorrow after he has a chance to talk with him a little more." She went on, "Oddly enough, nobody can seem to find Sean."
Mikah, standing a bit away, whistled innocently and looked away.
"That's where you went?" Jasper asked him.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." He smiled a little. I couldn't help laughing, knowing full well what he did.
"Mikah." Jasper sighed, obviously not approving.
"I left him alive." Mikah admitted, "He just might have trouble remembering things for the rest of his life. I think I might have rearranged the inside of his head, when I used it to rearrange that brick wall, but he was alive when I left him."
"Like you wouldn't do the same thing." Emmett added toward Jasper, "I have."
"I didn't do that with my mom." Mikah went on, "Because I knew I wouldn't leave her alive." I winced a little, "Kicking them out like that? What kind of a person does that?" I looked down. It seemed a little selfish of me to be so preoccupied with my own mom when theirs was so much worse.
"Alyssa says she wasn't surprised." I admitted, looking over at him.
"Me either, really." Mikah replied, "But it bothers me that I'm not surprised." I nodded. I could understand that.
"But Alyssa's okay now, right?" I asked, looking to Esme.
"Jon picked them up." She answered, "They're fine." I nodded again. With that discussion over with, I could let myself wake up a little more. I stretched again, but I was distracted momentarily by Alice suddenly appearing beside Jasper. Though it did startle me a bit, I recovered before I even made a noise.
Sitting still for a moment, I kept my eyes down and continued to think. Thinking back to my dream.
My mom didn't even try. She let him do whatever he wanted with me, and she didn't do a damn thing about it. To me, that was so much worse than all the years combined of being ignored by sleep. She knew I needed her help, but she never even tried. She just gave up. All those years, she could have tried again. I didn't care if he eventually found us. Anything would have been better than her just giving up.
It bothered me. I had questions. Ones I knew would probably never be answered.
"What's wrong?" Jasper asked, catching onto my emotion, and I shrugged a little as Esme's arms tightened around me.
What was so wrong with me? What had I done so wrong to her to no longer deserve what a loving mother could give me? Had I made her mad? Had I disappointed her so much, that she could no longer afford to love me? Was I just not worth saving? Did I do something, say something that told her I was no longer worthy?
"What is it, princess?" Mikah asked, and I couldn't even look at him this time.
I knew they were worried about me.
"Why is it so easy to replace me?" I asked quietly, and I knew I gained several gazes. Except for Mikah. He looked down.
"What do you mean?" Esme asked, and I hesitated.
"Why was it so easy for her to replace me?" I reworded the question, and I knew she understood now, given the way she smoothed my hair now.
"Oh, honey." She sighed sadly.
"Maybe I just wasn't good enough." I mumbled, "I tried. I did everything I could to make her love me, but I guess it wasn't enough. She just didn't want me."
"I know that's not true." Esme replied, "Why would she go through all she did just to talk to you if she hadn't wanted you?"
"Do you think she'll treat him better?" I asked, glancing up at her briefly, "Hunter?"
"I can't say." She admitted quietly.
"Probably." I mumbled, inspecting the bottom of my shirt. I sighed, "He's going to turn out exactly like Jack. I'm glad I'm not around for him to train on."
I was just thinking out loud. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Alice look to Jasper beside her. It wasn't a happy look, I noticed, as I looked her way. Something in that look told me I'd stepped on a subject they were hoping I wouldn't step on.
"What?"
"Don't worry about it, shorty." Emmett told me, "It's nothing." Him telling me that it was nothing automatically made it into something.
"I still say we should tell her." Alice murmured, shaking her head. Emmett looked to her, knowing that statement would ensure I wouldn't let it go.
"Tell me what?" I asked, sitting up.
"Oh boy." Emmett sighed, "Here we go."
Esme sighed as well, probably deeply disagreeing with Alice. Given the other looks to Alice, not many agreed with her. I was getting worried, though. Did this have anything to do with what I couldn't remember yet?
Alice sighed, "Let's just say-"
"Alice." Esme interrupted her firmly, and I knew she just really didn't want her to say anything. I glanced to her, my nervousness quickly rising.
"She deserves to know." Alice argued, "It's not fair. Honesty, remember?"
"It's not fair to freak her out, either." Emmett countered, "This is different. This isn't just some random little thing we can tell her. Telling her this would do more bad than good."
"I agree." Esme murmured.
Emmett went on, "What she-"
"Yes, what she doesn't know will hurt her." Alice told him, "The sooner she knows-"
"The sooner she knows, the more she's allowed to be afraid." Jasper was actually disagreeing with Alice, "We just got her pointed toward the right track. You don't know what this will do to her." The fact that Jasper disagreed with her worried me even more. That meant it had to be something bad. Something big.
"Just tell me." I murmured, "Please."
"Leandra, believe me." Jasper looked to me, "This is something you don't want to know." That just made me want to know it even more. I fidgeted a little nervously where I sat on Esme's lap.
I looked to Alice. She returned my gaze, and I could see how much she wanted to tell me, but with Carlisle's firm no, she wouldn't.
"And besides." Emmett murmured, "We can fix the problem before she even has to know about it. Especially now that you can see the fucker." That I understood. It was about Jack. That was the subject they were hoping I wouldn't step on.
"This is about Jack." I pointed out, "Something's different."
"New subject." Emmett immediately said, confirming my worries, "We should get a puppy. Do you want a puppy, shorty?"
"No." I muttered, frowning a little.
"We're not getting a puppy." Esme sighed.
Alice shook her head, "You can't just throw animals at her when you don't want to face a subject, Emmett."
"It's bad, isn't it?" I whimpered, "I'm gonna die."
"No you're not." I was told by three others at once. Including Alice, so that made it a little more believable.
"Once we have the time to devote to him," Jasper told me, "The problem is going to be solved."
"What problem?" I asked, looking around.
"That's okay." Emmett grumbled sarcastically when Esme sighed, "Go ahead and tell her. It's not like she needs to sleep. Ever again."
"We're not going to tell her." Esme finally said, and Alice sighed this time, looking at her as Rosalie descended the stairs, "Alice, you haven't seen her like that yet. The last thing we need is for her to act on an impulsive decision."
Mikah pursed his lips, looking down again. He knew what it was.
"Mikah?" I muttered.
"Yes?" He replied, glancing up.
"You know, don't you?"
"I know." He confirmed, "But I won't tell you. Sorry, princess, but they're right. It'll do you no good to know."
Alice huffed, obviously disagreeing. I huffed as well, knowing this was going to bother me.
"Could this be what I had that vision of?" I asked. I at least wanted that answer. Alice tensed, looking up. Like she hadn't thought of that yet, and I'd just pointed it out.
"Do you think?" She asked, looking up at Jasper.
"I think it's possible." He murmured, "We won't know until she remembers whatever it is."
"Then I really hope she doesn't." Emmett muttered. I sighed, looking down again. I wasn't going to get my answer, but that didn't surprise me. I looked over at Mikah.
"Sorry you had to be dragged back here so soon."
He smiled a little, "I'd rather be here. You know that."
"It won't be easy to watch me." I warned him.
"That's nothing new." He countered, "And yes. I know the rules."
"Good." Jasper said, "Keep them in mind."
"Scout's honor." Mikah replied, looking over at him.
I was quiet from there, leaning against Esme. She didn't seem to mind letting me stay there, for which I was grateful.
Carlisle hadn't taken long to get back home. It wasn't even ten in the morning yet before he was back. I stood up from my place at the counter, attempting to eat, and immediately hugged him.
"Thank you." I told him, "For helping them like this." He chuckled a little, returning the hug.
"You're quite welcome, Leandra." He replied. I looked up at him.
"How was she?"
"She and the others were just fine." He answered, "Pretty excited, actually. I highly suggested less sugar for breakfast." That sounded like her.
"You gave them a house." I reasoned, "A way to stay together. I don't think sugar had anything to do with it. Wouldn't you be that excited if you had to leave half of your family behind like that? I know I would."
"Excellent point." He admitted, nodding a little.
"You have been." I turned a little at Emmett's reminder in the doorway, "Remember when we first got back here from New York?"
"I remember." I smiled a little, finally letting go of Carlisle, "But that was different."
"Not really." He shook his head, "We were getting Eddy back. You just didn't know that yet."
"Then that doesn't count." I argued, "But that was nice. Like an added bonus."
"You haven't been that excited since." Emmett pointed out, "Maybe we should move away more often."
"No." I immediately barked, "No more moving." He laughed.
"We're going to have to eventually."
"Then no more moving without my say so." I muttered, sitting back down.
"Oh, boy." Emmett chuckled, "Maybe Mikah isn't such a good thing for her."
"What?" I asked, "Why?"
"Because when he's around, you get bossy." He said, "Must be something about knowing that you could tell him to do anything and he'd do it. That kind of responsibility is going to your head."
"What's so bad about her being a little bossy?" Esme asked, "I think it's a good thing."
"I agree." Carlisle replied. I had to test it, though.
"Mikah." I called.
"Princess." He called back from the living room.
"Do a back flip." An alarming thud from the floor in just the other room seconds later had Esme glancing worriedly into the living room, and me laughing as my seat jumped a little. It had my plate rattle and the water in my glass swashing back and forth, "Thank you."
"No problem."
"I rest my case." Emmett chuckled. I smiled a little, looking back down at my plate. Fixing its position in front of me.
"How about we don't tell him to do anything that will damage the house?" Esme laughed a little, but her concern was still evident.
"He'd fix the hole." I replied confidently.
"Ha!" I faintly heard Mikah's chuckle, smiling in response.
I looked over at Carlisle, "I wish I could have been there."
"You needed to rest." He replied.
"I know." I muttered, "But I still wish I could have been there. Just to see them."
"Maybe after all this is over I'll take you there again." Emmett spoke up, "You've been pretty good about everything. Except for the whole thinking Mikah was exiled thing-"
"I know." I repeated, looking down, "I couldn't help it, though."
We stayed there, and I eventually did eat. I made it through the day, nothing really special happening. I was still a little tired, but that didn't surprise me. My head really didn't start aching until after dinner. The hour or so before I decided to give sleeping an attempt, before my head could hurt too bad.
A decision I would quickly come to regret. I never put two-and-two together. I figured it was a normal headache, something all humans got once in awhile.
My dreams weren't tolerable anymore. They scared me again. Like I was dreaming about something I hadn't seen before, but I recognized it as if I'd seen it a million times.
I could see his eyes. Jack, his face right in front of mine.
The way he glared into my eyes, the way he always had was burned into my memory, but it was different this time. The words he said to me were different. I couldn't completely understand the words that he said, as I had the heavy, suffocating fog of sleep over my mind, but I knew they were different. His voice wasn't the same. Very similar, but somehow, drastically different.
It was darker, heavier. Something I'd never forget.
His hands held my head between them. Holding, squeezing painfully, pinning me and I was petrified. I sensed the danger through every part of me, just like I always did, and I couldn't look away. Fear stole my breath, and I felt seconds from either passing out, or throwing up. The crushing weight of both terror, and hopelessness speared me to the spot. There wasn't anyone to save me this time.
Just like so often before, I woke up panicking. Literally fighting free from the weight of sleep. A deep gasp just barely audible through the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. Followed immediately by the choking sob that escaped. The first of many.
It was worse now, because I knew something I didn't know before I fell asleep, or even while slept. I would see him again. How or when were things that dream hadn't answered, but I knew without a doubt in my mind anymore. Something that was happening now would lead him to find me.
Without a doubt, without a question or even attempt at hope, I knew for positive certainty that Jack wasn't done with me. He wasn't done. Not by a long-shot. The next time I saw him, I wouldn't get away again.
My breath stuck, like breathing glass in my throat. Even causing me pain with the attempts.
I wasn't upright more than ten seconds until there was someone with me. It was Esme. Clearly, she only thought I'd had a normal nightmare. That wasn't a normal nightmare. I knew the difference now.
However short, and very frighteningly vague it had been, that had been a vision. A vision of what was coming for me.
Outside, the rain dumped. Almost loudly hitting the window, which told me I hadn't been asleep that long. I ached. I hurt in the worst ways, knowing no matter what I did, he would find me. That hurt a great deal to realize.
I had to eventually move away from Esme's attempts to hug me. Just like I would have done with any one of them, and something I hadn't had to do in several weeks.
After a dream like that, any type of physical contact wasn't something I could tolerate. I didn't like feeling trapped in any way. I just needed to get back to myself before I'd want a hug or any other comforting gesture of the sort. I knew immediately. I could feel it. Figuratively, I'd once again just taken three steps back to my steps forward.
Beside me, Esme watched me falling to pieces. I looked to my hands, almost unable to believe how hard I shook, until I knotted them in my hair. I was drowning again, and there was nothing anyone could do now. Not now that I knew, and fully realized. I wasn't safe. I'd never be safe.
"Carlisle." Esme called, and I knew what was going to happen. Once again, I was going to be a fascination. Something to be watched. That hadn't happened in so long, but with my stomach in very tight, painful knots, I couldn't exactly complain.
With no control, every memory I had of Jack crept through my mind, making that vision worse, because I knew. There was no way Jack was human. He couldn't be. He never had been. If he could do this to me, without even being around me, he had to be pure evil. The things he had planned for me, however vague they had been in the dream, wasn't anything I wanted to see happen.
But even as I sat there, the dream I'd just woken from, everything but the main details faded as I forgot them. Everything but the fact that I'd see him again, the sound of his voice, the fear I felt. Every detail but those faded like smoke, but the details I could still recall were more than enough.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I was too broken, too small. I choked on my sobs this time, broken in the way that I cried. Anxious and desperate as I sat there, but again, there was nothing anyone could do to calm me down. Maybe Jasper, but that was different.
"Leandra." Esme sighed, taking my arm gently away from my hair. Pulling me to her, and I let her this time. I was ready now for the comforting gestures. I wasn't just ready for it, but I needed it. I needed her to help me hold on.
"It hurts." I almost bawled, my voice trembling and breaking.
I genuinely felt like I was falling apart again, after so much work had gone into putting me back together again. Somehow knowing I'd see him again, that I wasn't done yet, that it was starting all over, hurt even more and it scared me to know this kind of emotional pain was possible. This must have been what I was hiding from.
"Oh, Leandra." Esme sighed, "I can't imagine." She held me tighter, but I couldn't hold onto her in return. I didn't want anyone to tell me that it was all going to be fine, because it wasn't. It never was.
"I can't make it stop." I didn't know how to tell her. Would I tell her? Should I tell anyone that it hadn't just been a dream? Should I even bother?
Should I just go looking for him to get it out of the way? I knew at that thought I was losing my mind. Despite knowing what he planned for me this time wasn't anything good, or easy, I wanted to go find him? Knowing he'd be taking his time, that he was out for blood now scared me, scarring me further. I couldn't do it.
Though unintentionally, I'd undone everything. Falling to pieces yet again. Worse pieces than I was in before.
I wasn't calming down the longer I sat there. It was only getting worse. Sometimes, my cries made no sound. Other times, they were loud. Breathless, desperate. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.
My sobs were quiet again. Silent and breathless. I didn't want to take another breath. This worried Esme when that lasted longer than usual, "Leandra, breathe."
I had no choice but to do as she told me, straightening a little in the effort to take another breath. Which only made me more desperate, because I hated it. Every breath I took was now only bringing me closer to a very painful death.
This was different. This was different from all the other times. It was like the pain had just kept piling up during the last few weeks, and it chose now to fall over. Burying me under it. Like I hadn't been healing at all, but hiding behind a dam, and it had finally broken.
The weight of this was crushing, and I wasn't strong enough to lift it alone. I was stuck in a spot, in a figurative corner and I couldn't make myself crawl out of it.
Nobody knew yet why it was so bad so suddenly, and I didn't want to change that. With the newborns coming, they didn't need to know that there was no hope when it came to Jack.
They would be okay. I knew that, but I didn't want to potentially change that by telling them anything about my dream.
"What was it, Leandra?" Alice asked me, sitting beside Esme and I on the bed. I looked to her, gasping my way through aching sobs. Her expression softened, and I looked down at that point. I didn't want to see anything else.
"Leandra, please." She murmured, "This dream.. Did you remember something?" I didn't look up, or acknowledge that she'd spoken at all. I still trembled, but I was beginning to calm down. That was how I knew that Jasper had given in and helped me. I didn't even need to look up to know he was in the doorway.
I wanted to cry, though. That was the only way I knew how to ease the pain.
Soon enough, however, I was calm enough to slowly pull away from Esme, and lay back down. I couldn't say anything to them about what it had been. I kept telling myself that. Despite being soaked in a cold sweat and shivering, I could start to breathe again. I counted those breaths.
Alice wasn't letting it go this time, though. Sitting beside Esme on the bed, "Leandra. I need to know what it was you saw."
I didn't have an answer to that. I didn't know exactly what it was I saw.
"Jack." I sniffled, but that was as far as I could answer her. That was enough for her to glance up toward the door. Looking to someone standing there.
"He won't get to you." Mikah offered quietly, and though his confidence helped a little, I still couldn't help feeling vulnerable.
"And you best believe I'll be looking for him come Newborn Day." Emmett told me, and I frowned a little.
"Shouldn't you be paying attention to the newborns?" I asked quietly.
"Emmett." Edward spoke up, "I highly suggest you stop talking." Where had he come from? If he was here, did that mean Bella was too?
"Doesn't she know?" Alice asked.
"She never made the connection." He replied, "She didn't fully understand the things she saw, so the things you say only confuse her."
"Sooner or later she's going to figure it out." Alice pointed out, "Wouldn't it be better if we just tell her?"
Edward hesitated, sighing as he looked to Carlisle.
"Tell me what?" I asked hesitantly.
"Go ahead." Jasper muttered, "I'll handle it."
"Leandra," Carlisle spoke instead, "What all did you see?"
"I don't want you to worry." I admitted.
"Anything you saw we already know about, Leandra." Alice said, "It's okay to answer." That certainly helped.
"I-I.." I hesitated, "I just.. Saw that he wasn't done hunting me down, and he gets me, but.. It was different." By how calmly she nodded, I felt better about nodding. She spoke again.
"How different?"
"Completely." I replied, "But still the same."
"Focus." She told me, "I know you probably don't want to see whatever that dream showed you, but it's there for a reason. Every detail you can remember. You have the chance to pick it apart and that will help you understand." I frowned, but hesitantly did what she said. With my emotions so carefully controlled, I wasn't afraid.
I sighed, "I can't."
"Try harder." She pressed gently, "Your ability won't grow if you don't keep at it." I shook my head, but I tried again anyway.
I suddenly remembered what it was like looking into his eyes again. Like I'd forgotten it, and I suddenly recalled it. I flinched a little, shaking my head again. Taking a breath. I held that breath, and looked to Alice. She could easily see the hesitancy in my eyes. I wasn't so sure about this.
"There you go." She knew what had happened, "Don't lose it. Focus on it."
"I don't want to."
"I know you don't." She replied, "I know it scares you." I nodded a little, "But it's the only way. You already know what we know. You just won't let yourself focus enough to realize it. Try again."
Instead of arguing further, I did what she said. Instead of stashing that memory away for later, I looked at it again. Letting myself see it this time, I frowned as I looked at it closer this time.
Jack had been right there. So close to me, pinning me and holding my head in his hands. I could still feel what that felt like, and I knew that wasn't just a memory of the feeling. I could still feel his hands gripping me tight. Literally this time like concrete.
Staring into my eyes so close, my instinct was to look away, but I couldn't close my eyes. I was stuck there, frozen in my spot.
His eyes. The difference was in his eyes.
Not only did he hold so much more hate for me than I'd ever seen before in them, but they were no longer the solid blue stones they'd always become when he was angry at me. They were no longer ice. They were no longer blue. They weren't blue anymore, but..
"Alice." I whimpered, looking over at her. By the change in my emotion, she knew I knew. She knew I'd figured it out, "He was turned."
"Don't panic." Alice told me instantly, "Whatever you saw will change. I guarantee that." I could feel how bad I did want to panic, but I couldn't.
"All this did, shorty, is level the playing field." Emmett spoke up as well, "We have more experience hunting our kind than hunting a human, and we're more experienced at this life than he is."
"By far." Jasper added. I could feel how bad I wanted to freak out, but I could only look at them. He had a tight grip on my emotions, and he wasn't letting them go.
"He was hiding out in Seattle." Alice explained, "It was bound to happen sooner or later. Of course, this isn't ideal, but it also isn't the end of the world."
"I was hoping he'd be a snack," Emmett muttered, "But-"
"That means he'll come after you." I whimpered.
"No he won't." Edward told me, "And if he does, it'll be with the other newborns. He'll be just as easy to take out."
"He's not coming with the newborns." I murmured, "He won't come along with the other newborns."
"You're sure?" Alice asked, frowning a little, confused.
"He doesn't want to waste what he has now." I replied, "He thinks that'd be stupid." How quickly I seemed to know that surprised me a little.
"He's already thinking on his own?" Jasper frowned.
"The way she recalls it," Edward spoke, "It's instinct for him. It's instinct for him to avoid confrontation until he's ready to face it. I suppose that's one thing that only intensified when he was turned."
"Shit." Emmett sighed, "Ah, hell. It's not that big of a deal. We'll find him."
"She knew that from a vision?" Alice asked, surprised.
"She knows a lot more than that." Edward confirmed, "When she sees something, she knows all there is to know about the situation. Maybe this was an isolated case, but I don't think so, given how big her original vision was, but that many details at once is really hard for her to see.
"Even with as brief as that vision was, she struggles to see it all or understand it in the way it needs to be understood. All she gets is a small bit, glimpses really, but there's so much more to it. There is simply not enough room to sort everything out the way it needs to be sorted."
"You saw all that from me?" I was surprised myself.
"I only see what you show me." He replied, "Whether you realized it or not, you were doing a lot more than just remembering some dream. It's very fascinating."
"Wow." Emmett muttered, looking to me, "That's pretty awesome, shorty."
"Could be why it's taking her so long to recall the original one." Jasper pointed out, "If it's that detailed, pressuring her to remember it won't work."
"If it's already like this now," Alice spoke, looking to Carlisle, "Imagine what it'd be like if she was ever turned."
"I will be." I reminded her, "Seventeen, remember?"
"That's if it hasn't changed." She pointed out.
"This is still the same, isn't it?" I asked, "Except for Jack." I looked down, "That's new."
"That's something you shouldn't bother to worry about, shorty." Emmett said, "It's not a problem."
"I can't help it." I admitted quietly, "He remembers me, and if he could do all the stuff before to get at me, what can he do now? He can actually hurt you now. I'm scared."
Even with Jasper's help, I knew that. I was scared. This new development was bigger than they were realizing. Although, I had to hand it to Jasper. I'd be inconsolably climbing the walls if he wasn't for his help.
"Right now, he's just focusing on him." Jasper told me, and I looked to him, "There's no way he can concentrate fully on anything but instincts yet. We have time." That helped, and I found that I agreed with him. I took a breath.
With a whimper, I hid my face back in the blanket. The sight of him so close to me bothered me. It scared me. Especially knowing my family was going to be so far away from me in just a few days.
"You'll have Mikah here, Leandra." Edward reminded me, "And Cole. You won't be alone for a second."
"It's not just me I'm worried about."
"I know." He replied, "But you don't have to worry about us. It'll be too easy with Jacob there."
"I don't like him." I frowned into the blanket, "I don't like that I have to trust them to help you. He was so mean when I met him."
"He'll do what it takes to protect the people around here." He assured me, "Which means helping us."
Despite the way I ached with worry, I had to go back to sleep. I couldn't stay awake like I wanted to. My head hurt too much to stay awake.
I felt like complete crap the next morning. I felt sick with emotion, and it wasn't easing. It had been a long time since I'd felt this bad. This was something I doubted even Mikah could help me with, but I wanted to try.
"Come on, shorty." Emmett offered before I even had to ask.
To my surprise, though, Jasper was already out there talking to him. He and Mikah stood further from the porch. Cole stood closer to the porch, and was the first one to see me, smiling as soon as I stepped outside. Emmett directly behind me.
"Hello, darling." Cole murmured, watching as I descended the first porch step, "I hear you're having a hard time."
"Please tell me it gets better." I whimpered, "Because I really can't see it."
His expression softened, and he gave a glance to Emmett.
"It gets better." Cole replied, "I promise. It'll get better."
"How do you know?" I had to ask, sitting on the step behind me.
"I'll personally see to it." He answered, "And I know I'm not the only one."
"But even after the newborns, it won't be over."
"I know." He replied, "But it won't take very long once we can focus on him. Someone, somewhere is bound to know wherever he hides."
I sighed, shivering a little as I hid my arms against my knees. It was cooler outside this morning, and damp.
"What are they talking about?" I asked, nodding toward Jasper and Mikah.
"Jasper is trying to intimidate Mikah into changing his mind about joining your family." Cole answered honestly, "Giving him a whole lot of strict rules, and a list of suitable punishments should he break those rules again."
"Oh." I muttered as if that was normal, "You'd think Jasper would learn."
"He figured he needed to give it one last good try." Emmett added, sitting next to me.
I sighed heavily as Alice suddenly landed to my other side.
"Nothing else." I immediately told her, "Thankfully."
"Why thankfully?"
"I'm mixed up as it is." I replied incredulously, "Do you- Okay. Well, I guess you would know what it's like, but.."
"I get it." She nodded, "But I wasn't going to ask about that. I just wanted to see how you're doing this morning."
I groaned, folding forward.
"Point taken." She replied, as if that was an answer.
"She doesn't look so good." Mikah approached.
"She's not." Alice replied, "This whole thing with Jack-"
"You don't know what he's like." I finally looked back up, "Even after all this, you never had to see him. It was bad enough when he was human, but now?"
"Leandra," Alice spoke, "Breathe." I didn't miss the glance she gave to Jasper.
"No," I insisted quietly, "You're not getting it. He can hurt you now. Don't you care about what that means? He knows you're the ones that's protected me this whole time. Before, it was me. It was just me he was after. Now it's you too. He knows. He remembers me."
"Let him remember you." Mikah told me, and I looked up at him, "Let him, but he will never see you again. Or your family. Not while I'm here." The determination in his tone made me hurt. It didn't comfort me like I needed it to.
"You can't make promises that you can't keep, Mikah." I said, "It just doesn't work that way." Beside me, Alice sighed and hugged me. I accepted that, reaching up and holding onto her arms around my shoulders.
"Let's just focus on one thing at a time, darling." Cole murmured, "Right now, that's the newborns in Seattle. Tonight, we'll all be going hunting. As I understand it, Edward will be the one staying with you tonight, but tomorrow morning, we'll take that shift."
I took a deep breath, giving a nod. He was giving firm direction. Not suggesting, but directing. Not quite telling me what to do, but close enough that I had no choice but to listen. This was different.
"All anyone is asking of you," Cole went on, "Your job, is to just stay in one piece long enough for this situation to be dealt with. Just hold on that long, until we can devote more attention on this. Can you do that?"
I whimpered, unsure.
"I'm still scared." I admitted.
"I'm not asking you not to be scared." He replied softly, "I know you are, and I can't blame you. All we're asking is to just hold on. Mikah and I will be here while the rest of your coven can't be, and trust me when I tell you that nothing will get by us."
I nodded again after a few seconds of hesitation. He nodded as well, looking over at Jasper.
"She'll be okay." Cole told him, "The last thing I want is you all to be worried about her while you're out there. I promise you she's in good hands."
"It's appreciated." Jasper sighed, "Thank you."
"Hear that, princess?" Mikah asked, "You're in good hands."
"I don't want to be in hands." I muttered, only gaining Alice's quiet laugh.
"See?" Emmett said, "I told you she's funny."
"I never doubted that." Alice replied, standing up and helping me stand up beside her, "You should have heard her version of where babies come from." Briefly, the memory of that day tried to bother me, but Emmett spoke up before it could.
"Oh, I've got to hear this." Emmett stood up last, looking to me. I just laughed a little, shaking my head. The moment had passed.
"Apparently," Alice answered for me, "They come from the store."
"Do they?" Emmett chuckled.
"I didn't want to tell Lily all that." I muttered in defense, "So I told her that they had to talk to the doctor to see how much they should have to pay for a baby, and all the waiting was on someone to deliver it to the hospital."
"Creative." Cole laughed as well.
"She bought it." I shrugged. I sighed, "I still don't know what that stupid thing looks like."
"That's your sister you're talking about." Alice reminded me.
"Not really." I said, "Just because we have the same dad doesn't mean it's my sister. Just like Lily. I don't know her."
"Then why'd you get so upset when you found out Jack had taken her?" Emmett asked.
I looked down, "I dunno. I'd have worried about anybody. Nobody deserves that."
"Yet they all deserve to die?"
"Dying is a lot better than whatever Jack would do to them." I murmured, "Trust me."
"Okay," Alice spoke, "And your opinion on Hunter?"
"People need to quit having stupid babies." I grumbled, turning back for the house after a second of thought. I got all of them to laugh at that, but they let me head back inside. I wasn't trying to be funny, though.
With a heavy sigh, I flopped back onto the couch. They didn't get it. I almost couldn't imagine it. How much worse things could be than they were before. I had to face that now. Tonight, they were going to leave me.
"Perk up." Alice told me the second I sat on the couch, following me into the house. Was she kidding?
"Right." I muttered, curling into my famous upright ball, "I'll get right on that."
"At least look a little less like your life is over." Alice replied, "Everything will be fine."
"What does that make now?" I asked, looking to her, "Not fine?" She obviously didn't know what to say to that.
"No." She finally said, "It's fine now too. I just mean-"
"I'm not falling for it this time." I sighed, drawing my knees up, "Save it."
"Shorty." Emmett murmured, leading Mikah and Jasper into the house, "Don't be mean." I closed my eyes. He was right. It wasn't Alice's fault.
"I'm sorry." I sighed, "I'm just.. Edgy, I guess."
"It's okay." Alice smiled, hugging me, "I'll forgive you after shopping next weekend."
I whined, curling tighter into my ball, "I can't think about that right now."
"You'll have fun." She assured me, "You'll see."
"Right now, I think I'd rather be eaten alive by weasels." I mumbled into my ball, and that got a chuckle from Emmett.
"Our little ray of sunshine." He laughed beside me, "Alice, I don't think trying to cheer her up is working."
She wasn't done trying, though.
"Well, if you don't want to go shopping, what do you want to do?"
"Drown myself in the bathtub." I answered, and she sighed. Hugging my curled ball into her side.
"Stop that." Mikah spoke up, obviously not liking this. I glanced at him before hiding my eyes again.
"This really doesn't suit you." She pointed out, "Come on. Cheer up." I honestly didn't care if it suited me or not. This was the way I was.
"I would if I could." I replied, "But that's pretty impossible right now."
"Nothing is impossible." She countered, "Come on. If you could do anything at all, or go anywhere at all, what or where would you want to do or go?"
I sighed, slightly annoyed, "I don't know. I don't think about stuff like that. I don't have time to think about stuff I want, or places I want to go." My voice got quieter, "I think about too much stuff already." I paused, "Okay, I want one thing, but I know it's impossible."
"What's that?" She asked, interested.
"I want everything to just stop." I said, closing my eyes, "I just want one day where I don't have to think about anything. Just.. Nothing. Where I don't have to be so scared.." I trailed off. She hugged me then.
"I will find some way to make things easier on you." She promised, pulling back, "I will." I sighed, nodding. I doubted it, but it didn't hurt to let her try. She stood up, and I watched as she looked to Jasper. He took the hint, and followed her from the room.
At what could only be described as a determined pace.
I sighed, shaking my head a little. Nothing could be done. It was just Emmett and I sitting there. Mikah hung back by the door, his arms crossed. He seemed really bothered now. I glanced over at him to see him watching me, but I couldn't do anything to make him worry less.
"Tell me, then." Mikah requested, and I looked over again, "What makes you so sure Jack is any match for any of us?"
"I know him." I replied, "That's what."
"You knew him." He corrected, "You don't know him now."
"I don't need to know him now." I countered, "If I would have known it'd go this far, I never would have ran away from that fucking house in the first place. I wish I never did."
"You don't mean that." Emmett muttered beside me. I stayed quiet, biting my lip. He was right, of course, but in a way, he was really very wrong. If I had known what it would lead to, all this trouble for the family, I never would have left. Just to save them from having to know what this was like.
Lowering my head again, I rested my forehead on my knees, "I'm so scared. I wish you could have seen what it was like. To see him that way."
"I wish you never never had to see him that way." Emmett muttered, hugging me into his side. I fidgeted a little, sighing deeply.
After a minute or two, Emmett spoke again, "Wanna watch a movie?" I sighed again.
"Make it a good one." I said, and he grinned.
"Any types you're against?" He asked, and I knew I should be suspicious that he had to ask, but I just shook my head.
"Anything that'll keep my attention." I told him, and he gave me a nod.
Emmett, still grinning to himself, chose a movie. I didn't care what it was at first, but it definitely held my attention.
As it turned out, I really should have cared, given how scary it was. More jumpy-scary, but that wasn't all. It wasn't about realistic things. It was about ghosts and things like that, but I had to ask.
About halfway through the movie, I looked over and up at Emmett.
"Can that sort of thing really happen?" I asked quietly.
"Don't tell me you're scared." He smirked.
"No." I muttered defensively, "I'm not scared. I'm just curious." I paused, looking to the TV again, "That's not real. It can't be."
"Of course it's not real, shorty." He told me, and I glanced up in time to see his smirk widen. I didn't like that. It unsettled me.
"I mean, you're real." I went on, "Why can't that be?"
"She's got a point." Mikah chuckled, still back by the door, "Answer that one."
"Okay," Emmett muttered, "I will say for sure that I've never seen anything like that." That was a little more believable.
"And how long is 'never'?" I asked.
"You mean, how long have I been a vampire?"
"I guess."
He laughed, "I've never seen anything like that in over seventy years."
"You're old." I frowned over at him.
"Well, thanks for that." He muttered, shoving me over gently.
"If she thinks you're old, I wonder what she'd say about Carlisle." Rose joined us for a moment, standing beside the couch.
"Why?" I asked, "How old is he?"
"Almost three hundred and fifty." Emmett answered.
"No." I immediately said, "There were people back then? Besides cavemen?" He laughed, Mikah joining him.
"Yes." Emmett replied, "But next time you see him, ask Carlisle if he owned a dinosaur as a pet. He'll really appreciate that."
"Don't tell her that." Mikah laughed, "That's not nice."
"I'm not going to ask him that, grandpa." I grumbled, only to gain a light tickle in response to the name. I squirmed away with a small laugh, "Doesn't it bother you to be so old?"
"Do I look that old?" He asked.
"No."
"Then I'm not bothered." He smiled a little, "Now watch your movie." Taking his advice, I gave him a look before looking back to the TV.
I did eventually have to admit to myself, though. This movie was seriously freaking me out, but distracting me quite effectively. Though the ending was nice, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Well, I figured. He'd done what I asked. He'd made it a good one. Mikah and Cole had already gone, leaving for their hunting trip just before the movie ended, but I wasn't as worried about them.
"We'll be going hunting tonight, Leandra." Esme informed me that afternoon and I looked to her, "Edward will be here, if you need anything." I nodded, letting her know I understood.
"Cole said that earlier." I replied, stabbing a lettuce leaf with my fork, "Have one for me."
"Bella will be here too." Alice added, "I would try not to need anything for a little while." Esme gave her a look.
"Ew." I muttered, "I won't." Alice smirked, "They won't even know I'm here. Hopefully I won't be freaking out too bad."
"We'll be gone all night." Esme continued, "And go straight to the clearing afterwards." I looked up.
"I won't see you before the fight?" I asked, disappointed. The debilitating worry about Jack suddenly moved to the back of my mind, this debilitating worry coming forward at the knowledge of exactly how close this fight was. I must have been in some kind of denial before. That denial had cleared now.
"I'm sorry, sweetie." She replied, "This is the easiest way."
"What if you don't come back?" I whined, "How is that easiest?"
"We'll come back." She assured me, "It'll be really simple, Leandra." I knew no amount of asking would keep them here. No amount of tears could make them stay.
"You have to." I mumbled, "You have to come back, okay?"
"We will." She assured again, reaching forward and smoothing my cheek in a very comforting gesture, "Please don't worry." I reached up, grabbing her hand and holding onto it with both of mine.
"I can't help it." I admitted, "I don't want to live with my dad, or with Heather. I want to stay here."
"We'll be fine, Leandra." Alice offered from the side, "I promise." I was on the very verge of panic, continuing to fearfully cling to Esme's hand.
"Don't go." I asked anyway.
Needless to say, I didn't get my way. They had to go, and I knew that, but that didn't stop me from begging. I wasn't okay with this. How could they be so calm about this? Of course, I cried. I was so sure I'd never see any of them again, completely freaking myself out. Once that denial was out of the way, I didn't care so much about Jack anymore.
There was no amount of assurance they could give me to make it better.
"Leandra," Alice tried again, "Remember how much you worried the first night you had to spend over at Heather's house?"
"Yeah." I mumbled.
"It'll be just like that." She replied, "Exactly like that. You'll stay here, maybe watch a movie or two, and go to sleep. We'll be back by noon, at the latest." When she put it like that, it was a little easier to handle. I didn't accept it, but I could handle it. I looked over as both Emmett and Edward entered the kitchen, where I still held Esme captive.
"How will Bella not know I'm here if I'm watching movies, though?" I asked, and she gave me a look. Edward chuckled.
"She can know you're here." She told me, "It's no big deal."
"If it helps," Emmett spoke up, "Just think of the fight tomorrow as an extension of the hunt tonight. We're out hunting. That's all we're doing, shorty."
I took a breath, but forced myself to nod.
From there, I considered ways to possibly make them stay. Maybe if I 'accidentally' hurt myself pretty bad, they wouldn't go? Jumping out a window sounded like a good idea. A lot less painful than getting myself hit by a car, but I wasn't brave enough to try anything like that.
I just really didn't want them to go.
It was hard for me to say goodbye to them that night. Knowing I wouldn't be seeing them until the next afternoon, after the fight.
"I feel sick." I admitted, hugging Carlisle, "Maybe you should stay."
"You'll be okay." He told me, no doubt knowing exactly what I was doing. I cursed myself for using the, 'I might throw up' tactic multiple times before.
"But what about you?" I asked, looking up at him. Refusing to let go of him yet, just the same way I'd trapped Esme earlier.
"We'll be just fine." He assured me, and before I could continue arguing, I was plucked up off my feet from behind. I yelped loudly, squeaking as I was swung around and held upside down. My head, closest to the floor, spun a little. I couldn't help laughing at the position, clinging tight to Emmett's arm.
"No more worrying." Emmett told me, tickling my sides and stomach with his free hand.
"Put me down!" I laughed, squirming.
"Not until you agree." He said, "I have to shake all the worry out of you." He bounced me a little, but held me securely.
"You're gonna drop me." I panted through my now nervous laughs, "Don't drop me."
"I'm not going to drop you." He replied, "Least of all on your head. Do you really think I'd damage you like that?" I kicked a little, struggling to right myself.
"Yes." I replied immediately, and he tickled me again. I fought, struggling harder with more laughs, "I'm getting dizzy."
That only made him spin around on the spot, making that dizziness worse. I squeezed my eyes shut, clinging tighter to his arm.
"You're gonna make me throw up." I warned, but the laughter was still clearly evident.
"Agree." He told me, still spinning, "Agree to no more worrying, and I'll put you down. We'll be fine, shorty. You're not getting rid of us that easy."
"Fine!" I finally squeaked, "I'll try not to worry." Almost immediately, he plopped me lightly onto my back on the couch. I laid there for a few seconds, really unsure about moving.
"That's all we ask." Emmett chuckled, and I slapped his arm. His expression dropped in what looked like surprised sadness, "Ow. You hit me."
"You flipped me upside down." I accused right back.
"Because it was easy." He countered, dodging another hit.
As fun as that brief moment of roughhousing was, I was still sad.
"We'll be fine." He told me, seeing the change in my expression, "You'll get your rematch."
"Be careful." I plead quietly, struggling to keep my tears back as I stood back up.
"You have nothing to worry about." Esme assured me, hugging me, "I know it's hard for you, but please try not to worry about us. We'll be just fine." I returned her hug, whimpering. I was more scared about this than I would ever admit, but I knew they knew it anyway.
"Be good for Eddy." Emmett told me, "He's not the best babysitter in the world." Edward chuckled from his place in the chair.
"And you are?" Edward countered, and I found that amusing.
"I'll be sure to raise hell." I told Emmett, "Just like you do." He grinned.
"Good deal, shorty." He replied, patting my head lightly.
"The last thing we need is another Emmett." Edward chuckled as I sat back down next to him, watching the others leave. Esme and Carlisle hesitated by the door.
"She'll be alright." Edward assured them now.
"No I won't." I mumbled to myself.
Ignoring that, Edward spoke again, "I'll keep an eye on her."
I hated watching them leave, too. It was hard to stay quiet, and not come up with every tiny excuse to call them back. I almost did, but I kept it to a quiet whimper, watching the spot where they'd disappeared.
It hurt more than I cared to admit to watch them both leave. I knew that had more to do with the fear of abandonment, but a good amount of that was worry for their safety. I wanted them to come back more than anything.
"You're being very mature about this." Edward pointed out, and I just sighed. It wasn't by choice. He nodded, "I know, but very mature nonetheless."
"When does Bella get here?" I asked, and he smiled a little.
"In about an hour." He replied, and I nodded.
"I'll make sure I'm out of the way by then." I murmured, "Sorry you're stuck here with me." He looked over, smirking.
"Why?" He asked, confused.
"I know you two would probably want privacy." I reasoned quietly, "I won't bug you."
"Exactly what do you think is going to be going on?"
"Uh.." I muttered, glancing over. He found the answer in my mind, despite how I shied away from the thought.
"No." He said immediately, shaking his head, "Definitely not."
"Isn't that all guys do with their girlfriends?" I frowned, "That's all guys want, isn't it?"
"Not the right guys."
"And where are those?"
"It bothers me that you know about that." He admitted, his eyes on the TV.
"Everybody knows about that." I countered, "And I'm not stupid."
"I never said you were." He sighed, "But no. That won't be happening."
I shrugged a little, looking to the TV also. That did make me feel a little better. Uncomfortable, but a little better.
"And to answer your other question, they're all around you." I frowned a little, "If you want an example of a right guy, look around- Not literally." He chuckled as I did so, and I laughed a little also, "If you're ever wondering how a lady is supposed to be treated, take a look."
I understood what he was talking about then. How Emmett treated Rose, or Jasper treated Alice. They definitely didn't act like that was the only thing on their mind. Emmett did now and then, but that was just him showing off. I knew that, and that it made Rosalie feel better about herself.
"You're observant." Edward smiled a little.
"I've been told." I replied.
"No, there is more to a relationship than.. That." He told me, "It's about who you want to see beside you every moment you look."
"I'm ten." I reminded him and he chuckled, "Tone it down a bit."
"I suppose you do have a few years to learn, don't you?" He laughed, and I shrugged a little.
"If I even do at all." I said, "I don't ever want a boyfriend." He looked over, "I don't need one."
"I sincerely hope you change your mind one day." He told me, "What you're talking about sounds like a very lonely life. Believe me."
"So?" I shrugged again, "Maybe I'm supposed to be alone my whole life."
"Nobody is meant to be alone." He replied, "I firmly believe there is someone out there for you. If I could find mine, believe me, someone like you will find hers."
"Someone like me?" I asked, looking over, "What do you mean by that?"
"Someone who's seen nothing but the worst in people." He explained, not at all put off by my obvious offense, "Someone who deserves nothing but all the love and kindness in the world. Somebody out there will show you just how priceless you are. More than we ever can. They'll look beyond your non-existent flaws, and prove to you that you're worth it. They'll be patient, and they'll make you smile."
"Oh." Was all I said, looking back to the TV with a sigh, "Probably not." I couldn't help thinking, though, as much as I tried. Everything he had said fit Mikah perfectly.
Mikah had been patient, and kind. He knew about me, and he never treated me any differently. He hated it when I was down, no matter what it was about. He definitely made me smile. Proven by my small smile as I thought about him.
I hadn't even minded he was six years older than me. He was almost grown, and there I was. Still just a kid, but that didn't matter to me. The most important thing to me was spending time with him. With Mikah, I felt like he cared. Like I was important to him, too, even if it was just as a sister. He was my friend.
Maybe there was another reason that snow-globe he'd given me meant so much to me. The song, the words to it meant a lot to me.
"Maybe." Edward smiled a little.
"Stop it." I couldn't help laughing a little at his smile, "Emmett says it's just a crush."
"I think it's more than that." Edward replied, "But that's just my opinion. What do I know?"
"Well, either way, I'll stay out of your way." I hesitated for a moment, "That talk took a weird turn."
"My, you sure are amusing." He pointed out, chuckling, "Very entertaining."
"So I've heard." I repeated, laughing along with him, "If you spent longer than thirty seconds around me, you'd know it."
"That certainly came out of nowhere."
"I'm good at that." I replied, "How do I keep surprising you?"
"You don't always say what crosses your mind." He chuckled, "Sometimes, you think something, but say something completely different. It's the oddest thing."
"If I just said everything I thought about, I'd probably be in a whole lot of trouble." I muttered, "I swear. I might cry a lot, but I'm very stealthy. You won't even know I'm here. Well, you might, but Bella won't."
"Well, that's not very fair to you, is it?"
"Life isn't fair." I said, "I'm proof enough of that, and I'm pretty used to things not being fair. I'm in the way all the time, so I'll try not to be this time."
I sighed, leaning back with a huff.
"This sucks." I muttered, "I hate those stupid newborns."
"I can't help agreeing with you on that one." He replied, "I'd offer to take you with me, but I'm afraid it may be too cold for you, and I'll most likely be pretty distracted."
"Why not just stay here with Bella?" I knew of his plan to take her elsewhere during the fight, "Cole and Mikah will be here."
"It's a little complicated." He admitted, and I sighed. I knew that meant that he didn't want to get into the full explanation. Either that, or he was doubting my ability to understand, which I doubted.
"What do you think about Mikah?" I asked, looking over at him.
"It's difficult," He murmured, "But I do agree with Carlisle. All they want is to see you happy. Mikah makes you happy in a way nobody else does. As Emmett so gently put it, he speaks your language. Meaning, he understands you and you understand him. As much as we all want to keep you safe, I'm afraid removing Mikah from your life would cause more harm than good."
"And do you think I'm selfish?"
"You're not selfish." He frowned a little, looking over at me, "No. Leandra, you found something that makes you happy, and just because you refuse to let go of that, it doesn't make you selfish. If you're selfish for wanting Mikah around you, then I'm selfish for needing Bella. Do you think I'm being selfish?"
"No." I replied honestly.
"Then you aren't." He went on, "You're setting the worst kind of double-standards for yourself. I honestly wish you could see just how much you mean to everyone."
"I think I'm starting to get it." I muttered.
"It's a big decision to take on a newborn, Leandra." He told me, "You just can't know the amount of dedication it takes to keep one, and to take responsibility for one. The fact that Carlisle is willing to do so should say a lot about how much you mean to him specifically."
"I know." I sighed, looking down, "But I'm afraid."
"You don't have to be afraid of Carlisle." Edward murmured.
"I'm not afraid of him." I shook my head, "I'm afraid of letting myself get attached. I've never had anyone try to teach me the way he does. I've never had anyone treat me the way he does. Maybe I just don't know how to be what he thinks I can be. I'm afraid to try, because I know I don't deserve it, and I'll just let him down."
"You're afraid of disappointing him?"
"Not just him." I explained, "Everyone, but him most. All I know how to be is worthless. I don't know how to be worth something. I'm afraid of getting attached when I know he could change his mind about me at any time."
"Leandra," He sighed, "That isn't possible."
"Everyone keeps saying that." I sighed as well, "But it is. He's such a good person. He helps people when they need help. He cares about people. I'm the opposite of that. I hate them."
"You'll learn."
"But what if I never do?" I asked, "What if I'm stuck this way? I don't ever want him to give up on me, but at the same time, I know he should. I think he's wasting his time."
"Carlisle has never given up on anything." He told me, "And I can honestly say that he wouldn't start with you. Is this why you refuse to trust him completely?" I nodded a little.
"I'm afraid of how much it'll hurt when he finally sees what I see in me." I muttered, "I want to trust him, but I can't."
"And all he wants is for you to see what he sees in you." He pointed out, "Give him an honest chance."
"And what if you're wrong?"
"But what if I'm right?" He'd turned it around, "I know I'm right. There is absolutely nobody better as a father figure than Carlisle." I didn't know how to reply, looking back down. From what I'd seen, he was right, but that didn't mean I wanted to set myself up for disappointment later on.
"You're guarded." He added, "You've been guarded since we met you. Even after everything Carlisle has done for you, you're still doubtful and afraid. Whether you're aware of it or not, you're afraid of him, purely because you've never come across as good of a man as he is. You're afraid of being hurt by him in all the ways Jack has hurt you."
"No." I denied instantly.
"The tone of your thoughts don't lie." He replied easily, "Nobody blames you, Leandra. Nobody blames you for your trust and abandonment issues, as they're understandable after growing up with Jack, but you are afraid of him. Just like you're afraid of me. You don't even realize it, but your instinct is to be afraid. To expect having to fight for your life, or to need to escape."
I winced, looking down. I absolutely hated that he was right. I wouldn't have said that I was afraid exactly, but slightly nervous. Hardly noticeable by now around my family.
"It's your instinct to be afraid, and to see every man as a potential threat to you," He added, "And we're no different. Bottom line, that's what it comes down to. I'm not saying that your reasons for choosing not to trust Carlisle are wrong. There's just more to it than that. You're only trying to protect yourself in every way possible, but I know it'll get a whole lot easier when you let yourself see Carlisle for who he is."
He'd certainly given me a whole lot to think about. Was I really afraid of everyone the way he said I was?
"You are." He confirmed quietly, "Emmett, Jasper, me. That fear is always there. Just not as strongly as you're used to."
It must have been a part of the whole subconscious thing that they explained to me the other day. Instinct came from there, so maybe I had no control over it.
"Exactly." He said, "And all we're trying to do is fix that instinct. Carlisle most of all, because of the role he plays in your life now. He's in charge of you, making him your official father, and that scares you." Maybe that was the reason why I still held a grudge against Carlisle for doing the same thing everyone else did, wanting to help my mom. Maybe that was why I held him accountable for that.
Edward went on, "The role he plays in your life now.. That tells that instinct that you need to be guarded. Expecting, anticipating. Waiting for him to prove that instinct right every second you're around him, but I can guarantee that you couldn't be more wrong. It'll just take time."
He didn't seem mad at me while explaining all this, but it bothered me to have this pointed out to me. I didn't want to be afraid of them. How fair was that to them? They'd done nothing to wrong me. Just the opposite. I'd known I hated all other men in general, but I never realized I still distrusted my family that way.
"It's involuntary." He assured me, "It's nothing you consciously choose to do. Next time Emmett picks you up or hugs you, pay attention to your reaction. Next time Carlisle or Jasper approaches you, pay attention to the way you tense."
"I guess I'm not as observant as people say, huh?" I mumbled quietly, keeping my eyes down on my hands rested in my lap.
"It's something we've all noticed." He replied, "It isn't just me. You want so bad to trust Carlisle, but that instinct is holding you back from building that trust, and it's killing you. You want to. You do, and we all see it."
"Everyone but me." I pointed out. I felt horrible, "How do I make it stop? It has to stop."
"Leandra, I'm not going to pretend to be the most educated when it comes to things like this." Edward replied, "But I can tell you this. Looking through your memories, your dreams and your thoughts, they tell me that you need to look closer at them."
"Why the hell would I want to do that?" I asked, shocked.
"Something about them is bothering you." He said, "Not just the fact that Jack did those horrible things. That's not all there is, and you need to figure out what else is there. Your dreams are very deep, Leandra. There is more there than you're willing to see. Something you're denying yourself to see.
"I can't say I blame you much, but until you discover what that something is, I think you're going to keep seeing these things and taking those steps back."
I knew he was right, of course. That's what bothered me the most about these dreams. There was always something there when I woke up, but I didn't know what that something was. Something that bothered me a lot about it, other than the obvious.
"How can I figure out what that is?" I asked, looking up at him.
"That's up to you." He admitted as he stood up, "I can't find the answer for you. I'm not that good. I only see what you show me." I smiled a little, nodding. He told me that all the time, "But I can tell you what kind of person Jack is."
That interested me.
"You're the only one who saw him." I recalled, and he nodded.
"This is true." He allowed, "And I admit, I got quite a lot from his thoughts in those thirty seconds, but I don't need knowledge of his thoughts to know what kind of person he is." I stayed quiet, curious, so he continued.
"You can compare Jack to a rattlesnake." He said, "Should he bite, the damage he does long outlasts his presence. You've noticed this." I nodded a little, looking down, "He's bitten you, Leandra. You have that poison in your blood, and no amount of covering it up will help you."
Hearing it put that way struck something with me. That was the hardest thing to hear.
"I know." I finally replied, "Believe me." I did know, but hearing it from him was different than hearing it all the time from myself.
"You can't run from it." He went on, "You can't fix it by holding back. Maybe looking closer at everything he's left you with will help you. The truth is, there is only so much we can do for you if you choose to ignore it." As if involuntarily proving his point, I really didn't want to talk about this anymore. I already knew I was hopeless. I didn't want to talk about it.
Obviously catching on, he sighed, "Bella and I will be gone early in the morning. You'll be alone after that. You're positive you'll be okay here?"
"I'll be okay." I replied, "Cole and Mikah will be here. I won't be really alone."
I had a lot to think about now. Keeping my mind busy as I hid away in my room that night. How must that have been for them to know I was still afraid of them? Involuntary or not, I still felt horrible. I didn't want to be afraid of them, even if I never noticed it. They had noticed it, and that was enough.
Maybe there were things I had noticed. The way my heart would sink just a little, but I always thought that was caused by being startled. The hugs. As much as I allowed them, and even returned them sometimes, I always broke them first.
Maybe there was a reason I only allowed Esme to hold me. Maybe I needed a replacement mom like her, but I refused to give Carlisle that kind of chance because the one father I'd grown up with had hurt me so bad. My mom was pretty much out of the way the entire time, so it was almost easy to give Esme a chance. Jack was always there, and Carlisle was trying to take that role. Carlisle's job was a lot harder.
I sobbed a little in frustration, rolling and covering my head with a pillow.
Carlisle was trying so hard, and I did know that, but I was afraid. I had to admit. Edward was right. It was about more than worrying about letting him down. It wasn't just me worrying about disappointing him. Like I'd never be good enough. I had no choice but to face that now.
If I was going to stay here, I had to change things. I couldn't keep hurting them by being afraid. I knew for a fact that they'd never hurt me in any of the ways Jack had. I had to convince my instincts of that, but how was I supposed to change the way my instincts felt?
Maybe being aware of it would be enough? This whole thing was a whole lot harder than I ever thought it would be in the beginning, but I had to think about it. Really think. By some miracle, I was still alive. I'd survived and endured so much. Why the hell was I going to waste that by being afraid of the same ones I owed my life to? Especially Carlisle. It was beyond stupid.
I needed to change that.
I jumped, startled awake hours later, surprised at having fallen asleep. One glance told me it was just Edward, so I sighed, laying back down.
"I'm sorry I startled you." He told me.
"It's not hard to do." I mumbled into my pillow. What time was it? I looked over, glancing to the clock. Too fucking early.
I heard him laugh quietly, "I just wanted you to know that we're going now."
"Are Mikah and Cole here?" I asked, looking up at him.
"They got here about an hour ago." He confirmed, "They're right outside, should you need anything." I nodded a little, "We'll all be back here before you know it."
"I already know it." I muttered, which was true, "I need another chance. I need another chance to stop being so selfish."
"Leandra, you're anything but." He replied, "And you'll get that chance. I promise you."
"You sound like Carlisle when you say that." I smiled a little and he smiled as well.
"Thank you." He gave me a nod, and I knew that was a pretty big compliment.
I watched him turn, leaving. I didn't hear another sound after he closed my door gently, but I didn't need to to know he was gone.
I didn't even try going back to sleep. It'd be pointless anyway, so I took my time brushing my teeth. Considering my next loose tooth hurt a little more and one poke loosened it even more with a bit of blood, I knew it wouldn't last another week. If Emmett wasn't here to yank it like I promised he could, I'd kill him.
I made sure to rinse my mouth thoroughly to get rid of the bit of blood that escaped with the loosening of my tooth. I didn't want to take any chances.
It was just starting to lighten outside when I stepped out. That was against Jasper's rules, but I figured fuck it. I wasn't spending the next six or so hours alone, and I'd be happy enough with him coming back just to be mad at me for doing so.
I wasn't standing there longer than thirty seconds before Cole was beside me.
"Problem?" He asked me.
"I'm bored." I told him, sitting on the porch step, "Entertain me." He chuckled.
"I'm not sure I know how to entertain a human." He admitted, "What might you suggest, darling?"
"Uh.." I actually had no idea.
"Just talk to her." Mikah approached from the trees, "That usually works."
"Not too close." Cole reminded him.
"You know as well as I do that I know my limits." Mikah rolled his eyes a little, "I'm fine. I promise." Cole sighed, but didn't protest again. Approaching only a few steps closer, Mikah looked to me, "You okay? You bled a little bit just a bit ago."
"Loose tooth." I shrugged, "I tried to get rid of the scent."
"And you did a fairly good job." Cole replied, "But that doesn't mean we didn't notice it when it happened."
"Geez." I muttered, "You guys don't miss anything, do you?"
"I should hope not." Cole chuckled, "That could prove to be dangerous." His smile faded, "It's alright for you to be out here, but should we tell you to go back inside, I'll need you to do so without question."
I nodded a little.
"That's like asking her to explain advanced physics." Mikah muttered, "Without question? That's pretty impossible."
"Hey." I replied, "I can do it."
"Leandra," He said, "Go pick up that rock."
"Why?" I frowned. He gave Cole a look, indicating his point had been made.
"That's different." I argued, standing up, "If you tell me to get my ass back inside, I'll know why." I descended the steps and picked up the rock he'd nodded toward, "And besides. It's the tone you use when telling me to do something. Your tone matters just as much as what you say."
"I guess you're right." Mikah laughed a little, "But that's the wrong rock." I immediately looked down, frowning a little. Which one did he want me to pick up?
"I can't tell." I argued, "Here. You find it." With that, I launched the rock toward the trees as hard as I could. To my entertainment, he ran off and caught it before it could hit the ground.
"Cheater." I called, watching as he rolled it back to me with a grin. It clattered across the ground, tumbling to a stop against my shoe. Reaching down, I picked it back up and launched it in another direction. Only getting the same result.
With that, a never-ending game of fetch commenced. As the game led me further from the porch, Cole followed. Trailing along beside me, keeping an eye on us as we progressed.
"You don't have to follow." I laughed a little, looking over at Cole.
"I suppose I like to be cautious." He replied, "I was far too lenient on the night of that graduation party, and it nearly cost us this chance."
"That wasn't your fault."
"But it was." Cole corrected, "I never should have let Mikah out of my sight. I didn't think he'd be so reckless."
"You think he was reckless too?" I asked, launching the rock again.
"It's my job," He explained, "To keep an eye on him. From the moment I found him, I took on the responsibility of making sure he's okay. Which includes teaching him when certain risks cannot be taken."
"But he said himself that he was fine."
"You vastly underestimate the power you hold over him, darling." He pointed out, "The craving for human blood is something unrivaled to us. Absolutely nothing else is comparable. It outweighs any human addiction out there by at least a thousand fold, and is nearly irresistible to even the most practiced of our kind."
I swallowed nervously, pausing only long enough to pick up the rock that had been returned to me.
"Mikah knows his limits." Cole nodded, "He's gotten good at knowing, but something he has yet to experience, is what happens when that limit shifts."
"Shifts?" I asked, throwing the rock.
"It can change." He explained, "Certain times, it's easier to resist. Other times, that's not the case. It really can all depend on which way the wind is blowing that day. Anything can set him off, and that's why your family is so worried."
I sighed, shaking my head a little.
"I believe you." I said, "I mean, I'm not stupid. I know Mikah is dangerous. I know you're dangerous. I even know my family is dangerous. They're vampires." He nodded a little, "But I don't care."
He frowned a little, obviously confused.
"It doesn't matter to me that they're different than me." I explained, "I don't see it like that. I guess I never have." I threw the rock once more, listening to Mikah laugh as he had to jump to catch it. I looked up at Cole, "Maybe that's what makes me so different from other people. I can't see a difference."
"Don't you realize the threat we pose to you?"
"If you haven't noticed," I replied, "Half of all the humans out there pose a threat to me, and to me, they're more dangerous than you or my family are. Out of everything that can kill me, I'm not worried about my family or Mikah doing it."
He obviously still couldn't understand, "But-"
"Think about it this way." Mikah was suddenly walking along to my other side, "Out of all the humans out there that could have helped her, not one came through. Carlisle was the one that saved her that day in California. You saved her the other day. From her point of view, humans are very unreliable. Our kind has done her more good than they ever have."
"You shouldn't be so close to her." Cole sighed.
"I'll roll around on the carpet to get rid of his scent so close to me." I muttered, and Mikah chuckled.
"I suppose you're right, though." Cole ignored that, "I've just never met a human that seemed so immune to the instinct to fear our kind."
"I think it comes with the gift." I sighed, "That, and what Mikah said. I'm more afraid of you as a guy than as a vampire, I guess. At least that's what Edward said."
"That's understandable." Cole nodded, "Especially considering what all you've been through."
"You don't think that's weird?"
"Not at all." He shook his head, "We're all built with the ability to hold instincts. You are, I am. It's basic survival, coming from the time of the first humans. No humans would have survived without them."
"Really?" I asked, interested.
"Of course." He replied, "Had the first humans not learned, they never would have figured out that the animals around them could kill them. One probably saw another get killed, and learned to stay away from them. That human then went on to teach others, and those taught others, and so on. Survival is the most basic instinct out there, along with it, the instinct to protect children."
I'd heard of that one before.
"Instincts are powerful things," He went on, "And they are hard to change once they're in place. You were shown the horrible side to men." I looked down at the reminder, "Something that was never meant to happen. You were taught, trained to fear them, just as those first humans were taught to fear those animals. Being taught the way you were taught had a larger impact on your instincts than you're willing to admit. To you, it's your job to fear men. It's your instinct's way of keeping you safe."
"When you put it like that, it doesn't sound so weird." I admitted.
"It's not weird." He assured me.
"Not at all." Mikah agreed with him, "I'd be surprised if you didn't feel this way after how you've been treated."
"Do you think they hate me for it?"
"Have they treated you in a way that suggests they do?" Cole asked in return.
"No."
"Then no." He replied, "I don't think they hate you because of it. They understand as much as I do what's going on."
"I hope you're right." I sighed, looking down at the rock in my hands.
"Throw the rock." Mikah told me, and I paused, looking over at him. Without question, I threw it and he chuckled.
"See?" I said as he ran off after it, "I can do stuff without asking why." I watched him dive into the trees to catch the rock, only rustling the foliage a bit.
Sighing, I looked to Cole, "Are you going to miss Mikah?"
"Of course." He replied, "But I know here is where he'll be happiest. Being stuck on the outside, with no contact with anyone from his old life was killing him. I tried to explain to him that that's just how it had to be, but being pulled away from his siblings that way.. It was hurting him."
"Then I came along."
"Then you came along." He smiled, "And he changed. It wasn't that he forgot about his biological siblings. Not at all, but he found opportunity in you. An option, the ability to have just a small piece of his old life back."
"Why didn't he just show up sooner?"
"With the situation in Seattle," He explained, "I didn't want to push your family's patience. They were bound to be defensive, and a defensive coven is something you don't want to play with. Despite the fact that they had known Mikah, it was best to let them come to me." I nodded a little.
"I'm glad Carlisle did." I admitted, leaning down to lift the rock that had been returned to me. Mikah followed it back over to us, and I looked up at him.
"You and I both, darling." Cole replied.
"Go fetch." I muttered, throwing the rock again. Despite the look he gave me, Mikah did as I said. I couldn't help laughing a little.
I'd just wasted about an hour walking around with them, but I still had plenty more hours to go. Too many. As much as I didn't want to, I couldn't help wondering where my family was at that point. I was promised repeatedly that they'd be fine, but I couldn't help being terrified.
I honestly really hoped they knew how much I needed them to come back home.
"Leandra," I looked over at Mikah's sudden return, "Go back inside."
A/N: Uh-oh. :D
Not a whole lot happening here, but I liked it. :) I'm so sorry this took a lot longer than I thought it would to come out. I also apologize if this seems rushed and/or crowded. Currently dealing with family issues, and that took more of my attention.
THANK YOU! To my wonderful reviewers of chapter ten! THANK YOU! :D THANK YOU!
As for chapter Twelve, it may take a little while. I'm hoping not too long, though. :) There are a few different ways it can go, which I've had happen a lot in this story, oddly enough, but it's coming along. We'll see what happens.
Until Twelve, my friends! :D
