Sorry for the long wait. Chapter eleven is now up.
Walking amongst the butterflies
- Bocca Chiusa -
XX
Misaki managed to reach the common room just in time to catch the very start of the award ceremony. He hoped that Akihiko had kept his promise and not stayed at home as he would normally have done. He would definitely ask one of the nurses later if they had seen Akihiko's face on the TV later.
There were already people assembled in front of the TV, forcing him to remain at the very back of the room. It mattered little, however, since the volume had been cranked up for the elderly patients who were hard of hearing and he hardly needed to be close to the screen.
Placing his chair by the door, he could he the sounds of footsteps entering and leaving the room. The warm murmur of voices soothed him. He imagined that home must smell like this; coffee and biscuits and the faint scent of old books.
Among the footsteps that passed by outside the door, he recognised most as belonged to other patients. However, one set of footsteps truly surprised him, causing him to twist round in his chair as he heard them approach.
"Shigure-san?"
Shigure clapped a warm hand on his shoulder. "Evening! How are you feeling today?" he asked jovially.
"Fine, but I thought you would be attending the awards, Shigure-san," Misaki replied, trying not to let his confusion turn into worry.
Shigure took a seat besides him, leaning close to him to guard his words from being overheard, as if they were sharing some sort of secret. "I decided to send one of my representatives instead."
"Is that okay?"
"It's fine! Moreover, how are you coming with your..." he trailed away, leaving the silence to fill his unfinished sentence.
Misaki quickly caught on. He smiled nervously. What would he do if Shigure found out that he was worse than he had admitted? Would he still let him work? Or would that be the end? "Oh, don't worry; I'm sure I'll be released soon," he said, and hoped that it would not prove to be a lie.
As if sensing his thoughts, Shigure smiled and ruffled his hair. It felt slightly odd when Akihiko was not the one doing it but it was not wholly unpleasant either. However, Misaki was a little glad when Shigure removed his hand. It had felt slightly uncomfortable.
"Don't rush. There will always be a place for you at my company. Well, provided you don't lose your hands first!" Shigure laughed, oblivious to Misaki's feelings.
They began to listen to the presenter explaining the awards, reeling off a long list of people attending. Shigure glanced at the screen, but it did little to hold his attention. The boy sitting besides him was an unwitting distraction.
"Misaki-kun, I understand that you don't remember anything about the crash."
"Not much. The doctor says that's the root of the problem," Misaki shrugged, wondering why Shigure would bring that up now. Was he having second thoughts about letting him work for him?
However, his fears proved to be unfounded. When Shigure spoke again, he had lost that pensive tone. "Well, if it's any consolation, it turns out that the people inside the car you collided with were fine."
"There was a collision?" Misaki turned to his sharply.
"Didn't you know?"
"How did you know?"
"Well, I'm just trying to say, don't push yourself too hard," he insisted.
Misaki opened his mouth to reply, but whatever he was going to say was lost as the sound of clapping stole his attention. "Oh, it's starting!" he gripped the arm of Shigure's shirt in excitement. "Hey, is Usagi-san there? Can you see Usagi-san?"
"Y - Yeah, I see him alright," Shigure replied, unsure of first, but then the camera closed in on the audience and he cried in a more confident tone; "There he is!"
"That's good. I was wondering if he would go," Misaki beamed. So he did keep his promise after all. Somehow, it felt like a personal victory for him.
"You're such a sweet kid, Misaki-kun," Shigure looked at him with amusement.
A blush coloured Misaki's cheeks. "N – Not really! I – I just - "
"But, Misaki-kun really should think about himself more," he interjected with a smile. "I know that if it was me, I would be very angry and bitter towards the people who put me here."
The thought of hating anyone so much made him stiffen. True, Misaki had often wondered why such things had to happen to him but, he never really thought about blaming anyone. Maybe because he had been just a kid when it happened, but before he knew it, the fact that he could not see, that he could not walk, soon became something that was given. Just like the sky was blue, he never really questioned it after he grew used to it.
"I don't think anyone put me here. It's just an unlucky accident. These things happen, don't they?" he shrugged. He had told Akihiko the same thing, had he not? Some things just happened. There was no reason behind it. "Besides," he continued, "even if there was someone responsible, it doesn't really matter. I forgive them."
Shigure opened about to say something but the ceremony was in full swing and the opening concert suddenly crashed out of the speakers in a wave of brass trombones and fierce cellos, causing Misaki to gasp in surprise..
"I – It startled me," he blushed, embarrassed.
For the second time, Shigue tried to say something but while he fumbled with the right words, Misaki's attention had been stolen by the TV.
"This music..."
"What are you saying?" he finally managed to speak. "You really are a kid if you forgive something like that so easily," he laughed, albeit awkwardly, though Misaki appeared to not be listening.
"This music is giving me a headache," he muttered, leaning back into his wheelchair.
"Don't say things like 'forgive' so easily."
"I don't feel so good," he sighed and turned to Shigure, who had become lost in his own world. "Shigure-san?" he tugged at his sleeve.
Shigure hardly felt the pull at his arm. His thoughts had wrapped him in a cocoon and severed him from the world. "If you say you forgive someone without thinking about it, you'll regret it," he muttered, more to himself than to Misaki or anyone else.
"Shigure-san?" Misaki tugged his sleeve, more forcefully than the last time.
"Or your make the other person feel as if you're mocking them."
"Shigure-san!" he cried. Shigure suddenly looked up, startled. Misaki "I want to stay and listen to the awards, but I don't feel so good. Can you take me outside for some fresh air?"
As if he had not yet fully returned to the real world, Shigure stared at Misaki's face before finally giving a shaky reply of; "S – Sure," and wheeled him out of the room. He seemed unnerved that he had lost himself in front of the boy but, as he walked, he gradually came to his senses and his step grew longer and confident.
Shigure took him to the back of the hospital. The odd patient passed them by but the corridors were mostly empty. He opened the fire exit and wheeled Misaki onto the strip of gravel just before the car park.
Misaki wrinkled his nose at the smell of gasoline and patrol, but it was a faint smell even to him.
It was their first awkward silence together. Misaki was not sure what had triggered it; their conversation or his headache, but he would rather not have shared it with Shigure. The man was usually so amiable, that the silence unnerved him even more.
Shigure must have also felt the awkward tension between them for, after what seemed like an eternity, he cleared his throat and announced his desire for a drink, excusing himself for a moment.
With him go, Misaki began to wish that he was back in the common room where the low hum of voices could keep him from his thoughts. He wished that they had not turned up the volume, just that thunderous sound had split open his head. He would have a headache tomorrow too, probably.
Shigure had left the door open and faint threads of music managed to reach his ears. However, even the subdued notes no longer gave him any pleasure. It was as if someone was running static through his brain and, in the midst of the white noise, Shigure's voice floated back to him.
"Well, if it's any consolation, it turns out that the people inside the car you collided with were fine."
He had not even been aware of a second car. He had forgotten that as well. Had it been raining that night? Perhaps it was a cold, spring night such as this, with bitter air biting at his fingertips. Yes, he was sure that it had been a cold night back then as well.
Would that noise just stop? He was trying to concentrate and it was very distracting.
Misaki thought he would probably be sitting at the back. He always sat at the back and played with Takahiro. Why had his brother not been with them that night? Why had he been with his parents? Where exactly were they driving towards?
If only that noise would stop, he could surely remember.
Was it just his imagination or was it getting louder?
The score must have been reaching a crescendo for it crashed in a brass roar and the sounds similarly crashed against his brain. Misaki's body jerked as though the wave of sound had pushed him forward. He thought he was drowning, He wanted to be sick. He could not breathe. He was drowning!
When Shigure returned with two cold cans of juice, the path outside the fire exit was mysteriously empty.
XX
Ambulance lights flashed on and off in a blinding display. In the dead of night, the hospital teemed with life and action, but it seemed unnaturally bright; the walls were too white, the nurses too brisk, the patients that shuffled along the polished corridors moved lethargically in and out the racing trolleys of medical supplies.
Phones rang, people chattered, children ran around and were bid to bed; life whirled around them whilst the three remained in the lobby, inhaling instant coffee and the smell of baked goods in their own frozen time.
"Looks like your birthday is ruined," Akihiko muttered, reached for a cigarette, remembered where he was, and withdrew his hand.
Kusama-sensei smiled weakly. "No, it's quite alright. The fact that Misaki-kun is safe is more important," he shook his head sombrely. Cold drops of water clung to his hair, he looked as rugged and worn as Akihiko but, with an affection and warmth that seemed inexhaustible, he turned to Hiroki and caressed the side of his face. "Hiro-san, it's late. You should head back home, I probably won't get off until the morning," he whispered.
"This hospital makes you works such crappy hours," Hiroki grudgingly conceded. Maybe it was simply out of weariness that he allowed the light peck on the cheek, but the hospital had such a stifling atmosphere that his usual outburst of embarrassment would have been tactless.
"Hey, Akihiko," Hiroki, turning to him, put a hand on his hip.
"You should probably get some sleep," Akihiko spoke on a sigh so that his words came out breathless and weary.
Hiroki frowned at the wall. "You too; you look like hell," he threw him a towel. "Here, dry off before you catch a cold."
He nodded gratefully and Hiroki made his reluctant exit, hailing for another taxi as soon as he reached the main road.
Leaving only the two of them standing in sombre silence, Akihiko eventually pulled away, heading towards Misaki's dark room without a word. As he left, he was sure he felt Kusama-sensei watching his path; the words of condolence left unspoken on the tip of his tongue.
XX
Akihiko moved as silently as he could, gliding into the room without turning on the lights. The curtains were drawn to shut out the stars and the light from the corridor seemed harsh and excessively bright. He manoeuvred himself toward his usual chair, pausing as the sleeve of his damp coat almost knocked something off of the cabinet.
In the gloomy darkness, Akihiko's fingers found the object and he picked it up, peering at it carefully. A butterfly. He had no idea that Misaki had still been making them although, thinking on it, it seemed reasonable when he had the promise of Shigure's company to work towards.
Taking it with him as he sat down, Akihiko ran his fingers over the smooth edges, which had already been baked into china. The silence pervaded for a stretch of indefinitely time, leaving him only with his dark thoughts for company.
"I remember," Misaki's hoarse voice suddenly rasped, shocking him.
"Misaki?" Akihiko tilted his head but the boy was hidden somewhere under a mass of sheets and blankets
"I remember the crash," he said, clearer this time. From under the covers, he emerged, heaving himself up into a sitting position with difficulty.
"Don't strain yourself!" Akihiko leant forward to support him, worry causing his heart to double its speed.
"Beethoven," Misaki continued, regardless. His eyes, normally bright though sightless, seemed glazed as far-away. He did not seem to be quite there at all; he existed somewhere else, in some other place and time, and was speaking in a hollow voice that seemed to echo through that distance.
"Father really liked classical music," he said slowly, drawing long, deep breaths as though he had to take great care in breathing. "Mother didn't like it so much, but she would listen to it if father did. He would always listen to classical in the car. Beethoven was his favourite, he knew all the symphonies and arrangements, he knew which orchestra was best for what and all the names of the conductors that could do a good Beethoven and the ones who couldn't and stuff like that.
"It was playing when we were in the car that time. It was late. Nii-chan was sick so he wasn't with us. We bought him this really nice book and a pen as a get well present and I wanted to get home quickly so I could give it to him before he was asleep so…so I asked them to speed up…and…"
His voice faltered. To talk about such things obviously pained him but, with his straining voice, he continued. Akihiko listened, half breathless, biting back the bitter taste of helplessness as he was forced to listen to such suffering retold with such weariness.
"And…and then. I don't know," Misaki shook his head hopelessly, his voice growing sharper and frantic as he pressed on.
"There was a screech and it was raining so the road was all wet and there was this huge screech like the sky was splitting open or something. I heard mother scream and father was swearing. I had never heard him swear before. And then something hit us. I think the car flipped over or something. Maybe a bit off it was torn off because I could feel a little rain leaking onto my face.
"I couldn't see anything. It was scary. My eyes were wide open but I couldn't see anything. I stretched out my hand for mother but when I did I felt this hot sticky liquid on my fingers. It smelt like iron and it was all hot and thick. I couldn't move. There was something trapping my legs and it really, really hurt. I wanted to die so that it would just stop hurting!"
"Misaki!"
"Then there was this sound. Over all the rain there was the sound of music playing the same track over and over again. Maybe the CD player was a little broken; it just played the same song over and over and over and I had to listen to it whilst some horrible sticky liquid seeped under my hand and something was crushing my legs and mother and father weren't saying anything even though I called for them so many times!"
"Misaki!"
"Then there were sirens and some strangers were lifting me somewhere but my legs were still hurting. I wanted to know where my parents were, but even if they said something all I heard hear was that stupid music playing over and over and over!" he cried, gripping his head as though it were splitting apart.
"Stop it!" Akihiko grabbed his wrists, anxiously trying to see his face, which was streaked with tears. "You don't have to remember if it hurts! You don't have to remember!"
Misaki shook his head fervently. Over and over, he shook his head. "It was my fault! If I didn't tell them to speed up! No, if I had just stayed at home instead of going with them then they - "
"It wasn't your fault!" he cried in desperation. "It wasn't your fault, Misaki! You don't have any reason to feel guilty!"
"I deserve it," Misaki shook his head, calmer this time, giving up on his battle with his tears, giving up his battle with Fate, with life. "I deserve everything that's happened to me."
Well, I know some people already guessed this and I've been throwing hints all over the place but I still have the urge to shout; 'It's a revelation!' in one of those cheesy commercial voices. Anyway, thanks for reviewing. I hope you enjoy the next chapter.
