A/N: Oh, thanks for amazing reviews guys! Notifications aren't working again, but you guys rock anyway. : )

Today's chapter gives us some more background on what they were like before she left, and what Tony was like after. The first part is kinda sad, but it ends on a happy note. The quote for this chapter is one of my favorites too.

Special thanks to dizzy – in – the – izzy, who helped me figure out how things are gonna work with this. We determined that chapters will be longer, though perhaps fewer, which is actually a great thing for all of us. Check out her fabulous new NCIS story, Hello, Apathy. It's quite intruiging.

Thanks!

Autumn


"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." --Stephen King


A pit of guilt had sunk into Tony's stomach since the moment he shot Commander Willis. He spoke to Mrs. Willis the next day, but she couldn't even look at him.

He went to the funeral a week later, standing behind the crowd at Arlington, peeking from behind the tree.

Everyone had left. Mrs. Willis was accompanied by what Tony guessed to be a combination of family and fellow Navy wives, holding her as she cried.

Her sad green eyes were burned into his heart that day, black tears running down her face as she clutched the flag that had hung nobly over her husband's casket.

When all had gone and Commander Willis was buried in his final resting place, Tony made his way to the fresh grave. In his hand he held a bouquet of flowers, just some he had picked up—he didn't know anything about what the appropriate flowers to bring would be, but they looked nice.

He didn't mind waiting all that time. He owed them all that much. He owed the Commander that much.

The echoes of Taps banged against Tony's heart with each step as he made his way to the grave. He wrung the glowers in his hands for a long moment before setting them on the ground.

"I'm so sorry." It was all he could say, all he could do. He couldn't help it, he couldn't do a thing. He had killed an innocent man with a family, with no reason to die and every reason to live. "I'm so sorry." And he would wipe away a tear and stand there silently for another hour, unable to speak again.

Tony went back to Willis' grave every couple of months since then, each time bringing flowers or a small American flag to place in his honor. He would say the same thing.

"I'm so sorry."

The trees above were taller now, their shade cooler. The guilt, the blame—it had not subsided. It had just grown quieter, but always present, always there, an unwelcome but deserved companion. He would sometimes sit down and lean against the tree nearest to it, watching the shadows change over the grave, watching them flicker, watching them move.

And he would just gaze.

And feel guilty.

Mostly the latter.


"You ever think about what your life woulda been like if you only stayed at NCIS for a little while?" Tony looked at Ziva curiously. They were on a coffee run on a day overflowing with paperwork, and the sky was nostalgic.

Ziva exhaled and bit her lip, thinking for a minute. "I never planned to stay at NCIS long. I needed a break from Mossad, from Eli, from that… that whole world after Ari died. I convinced Jenny and Eli to create a position for me at NCIS. I did not expect to stay as long as I did. But… yes, I have wondered."

"And what'd you think?"

"I think I would have been unhappy. Lonely."

"What, travelling the world, seeing all the sights, going on exotic missions?" he teased.

She smiled, though her eyes were a little distant. "It is a surprisingly lonely life. I could not trust anyone," she explained. "I had myself. I had my skills. I had my weapons. I had my secrets. Those things, I could trust. People… Not so much."

"Must've sucked."

"It did," she said. "It was an exciting adventure when I was young. I felt so much honor and duty to Israel that I did not fully see what Eli, what Mossad's priorities were. I was alone. I thought it would be that way forever. Until…"

"Until?" Tony prompted.

"Until I came to NCIS. Even when I was here at first, with Ari, it was a bit of a shock. I had never met anyone so devoted with such pure desires, not ever. It was amazing to see Gibbs, you, McGee, Abby, all so protective of one another, of Kate. And slowly…" she shrugged. "Slowly I felt like this was home."

Tony gave her a small smile. "It always, I don't know, it felt like you had always been here."

"It did," Ziva agreed.

"I'm glad you stayed," he said after a quiet moment, looking down at her with a rare, genuine smile.

She looked up at him and did the same, eyes sparkling. "Me too."

It had been nearly a year since Ziva came home from Somalia. Never had they been so honest nor so open with one another. He would smile so sincerely, and she would look at him with such pride. He was becoming the man she always knew he could be, and she was becoming the happiest she had ever been. They would hang out often, at work, outside of work, with McGee, with Abby, with Ducky, with a combination of the three or just on their own.

Those days were sweet, and they felt so right. Tony would tease her, and she would strike back, but it would always end in an amused grin or a round of laughter shared by both.

Those days were perfect.


Ziva walked down the familiar, worn wood steps tentatively. She eyed the older man working on his boat, sandpaper in his hand. It was a sight so comforting, and so terrifying. Her steps were utterly silent and her breathing did not make a sound.

"Figured you'd be by soon," Gibbs said, though his back was turned to her.

"How did you know I was here?" He turned and just looked at her for a very long moment. He wasn't going to tell her. Ziva sighed and made her way back down the stairs. "I do not know why I came. I just-I don't know, she said, leaning up against the wall the stairs provided. "I do not expect you to have forgiven me. Just-just know that."

Gibbs studied her face. "You should have come to me, Ziva."

"No one else needed to be involved, no one else needed to have their careers ruined, their lives changed forever. I did what I had to do," she said. And she fully believed it. He began sanding again, and she walked over to him, setting a hand on his boat where he was sanding, stopping him from continuing. "What would you have done for your partner? For Jenny?"

"Woulda gone to the ends of the earth," he said quietly.

"Tony did that for me. And every day, I wondered why, why would he do that, for me? He always had my back. It was my turn to have his."

Gibbs was silent for several moments before looking at her softly, seeing the girl she once was in her brown, hoping, pleading eyes. "Okay."

He drew her into a heartbreaking embrace, held her like she was his little girl.

And perhaps, she always was.


It was lunchtime when Tony called Ziva that Friday, and she was vaguely surprised to hear from him. She was giving him time. He needed it. She owed it to him.

"Hello?" she answered, setting her salad down on her desk.

"Hey," Tony replied, and Ziva smiled.

"Hey,"

"What's going on?" he asked casually.

"Lunch break."

"Oh good, I was hoping to catch you when you weren't busy."

"My students will be disappointed," she chuckled.

"Hm?"

"Nevermind. What's up?"

"Wow, when'd you pick up that colloquialism?" she could hear the grin in his voice.

"What is it, Tony?" she asked, though she smiled.

"I thought maybe we could do something tonight. I know it's short notice and if you have plans, I under--"

"That'd be great," she said.

He sighed, relieved. "Good."

"Any suggestions?"

"No, not really…"

"How about you come over? I'll make dinner, we can watch a movie or something." It'll be like old times—she didn't need to say it. They both knew it's what she meant.

"That sounds… That sounds great, Ziva."

"Come over at around six?"

"Only if I can help with the cooking."

"Tony, that is not necessary."

"Yep," he said.

"'Yep' what?"

"You're still stubborn," he replied lightly.

"Alright, fine. You'll bring the movie?"

"Of course."

They said their goodbyes and Ziva looked out the window at the falling autumn leaves. It felt like it had all those years ago.


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